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I then set about rounding up Nathan, Vincent and Brett to see if we could find a way of finishing this shoot. I was rudely interrupted in my quest by the appearance of Simon. And, my dear, what a frightful appearance – death without so much as a cursory warm-up. Despite David’s express order to the contrary he has decided to assume command. This is not good news. He called an immediate
conference of war and launched an assault on all present. He screamed that while we partied in the sun he had been delirious with an unspecified tropical fever. It was, he claimed, only the attentions of the hotel doctor that had prevented death. I’m sure I heard Vincent mumble, “More’s the fucking pity,” but I let it pass.

Horne subsided enough to allow Brett to present his and Vincent’s revised script. This was a masterpiece of improvisation under pressure. They had pared it down to a simple and elegant twohander between our remaining brace of LOVEbirds. Hilarious, clever and (music to the ears of an embattled producer) shoot-able in just one day. Nathan, who’d merely glowered until now, cheered up enormously. Simon, need I add, did not share our enthusiasm and pissed all over it. (Pardon my French, but my frustration is getting the better of me.) He flounced off saying that as usual he would have to write it himself. On his exit he spied la Trump at the bar and made a bee line. Her new bodyguard (courtesy of hotel security) nearly ripped arm from shoulder.

As I said, Simon’s re-emergence was not good news.

You may ask what our client thinks of the rewrite. With his press debut tomorrow and a marriage to save tonight he is way beyond worrying about his advertising. We could shoot the next Bond movie and I don’t imagine he’d notice.

There is good news. It’s Karaoke Night in the Lagoon Bar. After a pink-gin gargle my larynx will be primed for my duet with Simon – Donny and Marie’s “Morning Side of the Mountain.”

Yours resigned to her fate,

Mel

	[email protected] 1/12/00, 4:53pm (8:53pm local)
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	LOVE

Do me a favour and inform David that we are out of the mire apropos Ivana Trump. I mustered all my charm and did a number on her. She was eating out of my hand.

I ask no thanks – just tell him to worry no longer.

I would inform him myself only I am up to my neck in a mess of
Brett, Vince and Nathan’s making. Their incompetence means I now have to rewrite the script from scratch.

Thank Heaven I am here.

Have a root through the files for some scripts I penned for the abortive Safeway pitch. (Last June?) When you find them, fax them immediately.

I think with a little judicious tinkering one of them will fit the LOVE bill just perfectly.

Do not ask me to explain.

The mind of the lateral thinker is a complex beast!

	Susi Judge-Davis, 1/12/00, 4:58pm
to:	David Crutton
cc:
re:	LOVE

Simon has just asked me to pass on the excellent news that he has smoothed over the Ivana Trump situation. He’s sorry he couldn’t tell you himself but as usual he’s inundated with work – Susi

	Harriet Greenbaum – 1/12/00, 5:10pm
to:	David Crutton
cc:
re:	LOVE

Sorry about the delay in getting back to you. I have stepped out of my video-conference with Jim and have only just found Zoë’s Post-it telling me to see you. It was a useful meeting – it’s a pity you couldn’t join us. I’ll be right up. I have a report from Mel. I’ve yet to read it but I’ll print it out and we can go through it together.

	[email protected] 1/12/00, 5:27pm
to:	[email protected]
cc:
re:	LOVE

I’ve been through your report with David. Well done on at least getting the charges dropped. As far as I know Pinki is looking at Freedom ideas as I write. I will brief her immediately on the “change of direction.” As for Simon strutting his stuff, I think David wants to take care of that one himself. It would be an idea if you faxed me Brett and Vince’s revised script, so we can have an opinion at this end. And as for what will be in the papers tomorrow, there is little more you can do out there. Try not to worry and we’ll handle the damage limitation as best we can.

Focus on getting in a good shooting day tomorrow, though quite what you’ll film is subject to conjecture at the moment. Keep your e-mail open, order cocoa and prepare for a long night. We will advise.

Keep smiling. It’s only a job after all. And if it’s any consolation, I’ve got my own problems here. David is being very touchy with me for having the temerity to hold a meeting with Weissmuller, the One True God, all by myself.

	David Crutton – 1/12/00, 5:28pm
to:	Zoë Clarke
cc:
re:	are you totally fucking brain-dead?

Why didn’t you tell me that Harriet’s undisturbable meeting earlier was with Jim Weissmuller? You will have the following tattooed on your forehead in reverse letters so that it is clearly legible every time you look in a mirror:

NOBODY EVER TALKS TO WEISSMULLER WITHOUT DAVID’S KNOWLEDGE.

This is what you might call a golden rule.

	David Crutton – 1/12/00, 5:33pm
to:	Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re:	LOVE

Fantastic news, Susi. Tell Simon he’s a star and I don’t know where I’d be without him. I know that his modesty prevented him from telling me himself of his coup with the Trump woman. I’m glad you let me know, otherwise I’d have fallen for that devious old trout Melinda’s line that it was all her own work. And tell him that I’m pleased he’s rescuing the LOVE script. Ask him to fax me Brett and Vince’s feeble effort, along with his own. I’m in need of light relief and it could provide useful ammo if and when we come to “let them go.”

	[email protected] 1/12/00, 5:36pm (12:36pm local)
to:	[email protected] [email protected] [email protected]
cc:
re:	Coke

My unreserved respect and admiration to all three of you – not only for an outstanding Coca-Cola campaign that will surely put us in pole for the pitch, but also for finding two incredible talents in Harriet Greenbaum and Pinki Fallon to lead the agency’s effort. I have spent a delightful and instructive hour in video-conference with them. I am sure that you are reassured to know that should the unthinkable happen and the three of you were to step under one of your famous red buses, you have such worthy replacements in the wings.