Elusive Love (14 page)

“Something we should’ve done a long time ago,” he responded.

I took a step back and looked up at him in surprise. He was gazing at me with such intensity that I stopped breathing. He didn’t look as if he hated the sight of me—no, not at all. His gaze told me everything I needed to know.

He wanted me, too.

“What did you just say?” she whispered, a look of disbelief on her delicate face.

“You heard me,” I said, not looking away from her.

Nothing in this world could have caused me to tear my gaze away. If I did, I feared she would disappear—or worse, I would wake up and realize this had been nothing more than a dream.

“I don’t understand,” she said. “This wasn’t supposed to go like this.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She shook her head. “I thought—no, I hoped that I would come here and realize I had only imagined the way I felt about you. Then, I could go home and forget all the craziness I’d felt today.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.” Even I heard the coldness of my words. I winced. “I really didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”

“No, you really did,” she said, but she wasn’t upset.

“You hoped that I would squash any advance you made toward me, that I’d tell you that whatever you thought you felt wasn’t real. You never expected me to kiss you back. I’m sure the thought of me caring about you the way you care about me never even crossed your mind, did it?”

She shook her head, her face a mask of shock. The thought that I could care for her the way she cared for me
really
hadn’t crossed her mind at all.

“You’re so broken, Caley. I don’t know how you can’t see it. Joey broke you. All these years, the fighting and the turmoil made you think that you weren’t worthy of love or affection.” I took a deep breath and exhaled through my nose, trying to calm myself so that I could continue.

But she spoke up before I had the chance, “It wasn’t Joey’s fault, not completely. The way you just described me…I’ve felt that way since long before Joey entered my life.”

She chuckled, but the sound was humorless. It was a sound that made me want to reach out and touch her.

“He was the only person who ever showed me an ounce of attention. Because of him, I felt wanted. I was tired of being alone, so I clung to him. I thought he was the only man who would ever notice me, and I was right. In all these years, no one has ever paid me a bit of attention.”

“You’re wrong,” I said, “I wanted you so long ago when we were just kids in school. My attraction wasn’t instantaneous. It grew over time as I watched you, spoke with you, and learned exactly who you were. You’re a beautiful person inside and out, Caley. I just wish you could see it. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone around you sees you.”

My words seemed to shock her into silence. She just stood there, staring at me, as if my words were incomprehensible to her.

“You wanted me? Even then?” Her voice was timid, almost as if she had been afraid to speak the words out loud.

“Of course I wanted you,” I said.

“Why didn’t you…” She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.

But I knew exactly what she had wanted to ask.

“Why didn’t I tell you? Because I knew you were with Joey. And when my feelings started to grow to the point where I felt like maybe I should tell you, you deserted me. I knew then that you didn’t have a clue about how I felt. I also knew you couldn’t feel the same way, or you never would have walked away.

“That night, when you sent me that message, I almost didn’t respond. I was over you by then, and I knew exactly what would happen if we were around each other. And look, I was right. Only now, we’re so much deeper this time. I’m not the only one feeling something.”

She clutched her hands together, wringing them over and over again, as she tried to digest my words. I stayed silent, giving her time to sort through the mess we were both facing. She moved suddenly, walking over to the couch and sitting down. I didn’t follow, fearing that I would drive her away if I moved too close.

I couldn’t understand how things had changed so drastically in the last few hours. Something had triggered this, but I was afraid to ask what.

Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined the scene playing out before me would be a reality. Only a few hours before, I had finally admitted that to myself. I’d made a promise in my car that I would walk away from her.

Good God, Caley was
married
—unhappily married, but still married. She had a husband and a child. There was no room in her life for an obstacle such as myself. I was a friend, a confidant, but that was it.

Or so I’d thought.

“I thought I was losing my mind this afternoon,” she finally said.

“Why?”

“Because I saw that girl, Danielle, kissing you today in the movie theater parking lot, and I nearly went mad with jealousy and rage. It took me a moment to even realize that I shouldn’t have felt that way. It consumed me though. That was when I finally figured out that there was something here, something that shouldn’t be.”

“Shouldn’t be?” I asked. “There are lots of things in this world that shouldn’t be, Caley, yet they are. Shouldn’t and couldn’t are two very different things.”

“I know,” she said softly. “I would give anything to go back in time and forget everything from this afternoon and now. I’d thought things were bad before…but I’d had no idea what bad could really be.”

“Caring for me is bad?”

She hesitated. “Yes and no. You’re a good person, and you deserve someone who cares for you, but it shouldn’t be me. I’m married. The way I feel about you is wrong. It’s despicable.”

“You can’t help how you feel. Trust me,” I muttered.

“I know, but it doesn’t erase the guilt.”

I sighed, suddenly exhausted. “So, what happens now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are we going to pretend none of this happened, or…” Now, I was the one who couldn’t finish a sentence. I couldn’t ask her if she’d choose me instead of Joey and the life she knew.

“I can’t pretend this isn’t happening,” she said. Sadness filled her expression. “The way I care about you surpasses the way I care about Joey. I haven’t loved him in the right way in a very long time…maybe never.”

“Oh,” I said, unsure of what else to say.

She continued as if she hadn’t heard me, “And the sad part is that he was trying to make amends and start over today. That was why we were at the theater when I saw you. He’d brought me there as a surprise date. I’d expected this weekend to be full of shouting and anger, but instead, he’d decided to start over with me. How can I start over with him, knowing what I know now? There’s no way that I could. Things were over with him a long time ago, long before Amelia came along. I was just too blind to see it.”

“You said you couldn’t leave him because of her. Is that still true?” I asked.

“I think…that this changes everything. How can I stay with him, knowing I don’t truly care for him? Amelia will know the truth, and Joey will, too. She’ll grow up thinking that’s the way things are supposed to be. I thought showing her that she had both parents together with her was the right thing, but now, I don’t know.”

“I think the right thing is whatever makes you happy,” I told her, “I’m not saying you should leave him and come running to me. I just think your marriage is slowly killing you. Your unhappiness is clear to everyone around you, and once Amelia is older, she’ll see it, too. That won’t be good for her.”

“I know.” Her eyes filled with tears. “If I leave him, it’s going to rip apart every part of my life and his, too. Amelia is so young. She’ll never remember us being together.”

I frowned. “Maybe that’s a good thing. Do you really want her to remember the constant sadness and the fighting?”

“No, of course not. I just keep hoping that things will get better and stay that way.”

“How long have you been waiting for that to happen?” I asked, hoping to be the voice of reason.

“For forever—or at least, it feels like it’s been that long,” she admitted.

“Exactly. It isn’t going to get better, Caley. If it were going to change, it would have by now. But you’re miserable, trapped in a life that you despise. And if you’re this unhappy, I bet Joey feels the same way.”

That seemed to rattle her. “You think?”

I nodded. “I do.”

“I’m so scared, Ethan. You have no idea how scared I am. If I leave him, everything will change.” She paused. “You’re the reason I’ve realized how I felt about him, but I…I can’t think about you right now. I have to focus on separating myself from Joey and standing on my own two feet. I hope you can understand that.”

“Of course. I would never expect anything from you right now. Maybe once things settle, we can talk about us, but for now, we can carry on the way we’ve always been—as friends. I’ll be here for you, no matter what.” I walked over and pulled her to her feet. “You’re very important to me. I hope you realize that.”

I wrapped my arms around her, tightly hugging her. I breathed in deeply, memorizing the scent of her skin, fearing I wouldn’t be near enough to do so again for a long time. Part of me hated the fact that she was pushing me away, but I understood. I couldn’t force myself on her when she had so many other things pulling her apart.

She pulled away, not meeting my gaze. “Can I ask for one more favor?”

“As far as I know, you’ve yet to ask me for a favor tonight.” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

Her gaze remained on the floor, her lips set in a deep frown. “I’ve asked more of you tonight than anyone ever should. But can I spend the night here, on your couch? I don’t think I can go home and face Joey just yet. I need time to make my final decision. I can’t do that with him near me.”

The thought of her spending the night in my house, so close yet so far away, was like a punch in the stomach. It would be pure agony to have her near me and not be able to be with her, but there was no way I could send her away.

“Of course you can stay,” I said, “I have an extra set of sheets and a blanket in the closet. You can sleep on the couch, or if you’d prefer, you can have my bed, and I’ll take the couch.”

The thought of her in my bed, surrounded by my sheets with her head resting against my pillow, caused my body to respond in the worst way. I mentally shook my head. I couldn’t think about sex right now. Caley needed me, as a friend, and I wouldn’t let her down.

She frowned. “The couch is fine, Ethan. I don’t expect you to give up your bed for me.”

“I’d give up just about anything for you,” I said, my mouth moving before my brain could catch up. As soon as the words had left my mouth, I instantly regretted them.

Caley gave me a weak smile, clearly pretending that she hadn’t heard my stupid confession. “Thank you.”

“I’ll, uh, go get those sheets,” I said stupidly.

I turned and walked to my bedroom where the sheets and blanket were stored inside my closet. I dug them out and grabbed a pillow off my bed before returning to the living room. Caley was standing where I’d left her. She turned her attention back to me. I gave her a small smile before walking to the couch. I spread out the sheet and blanket, finishing off her makeshift bed with the stolen pillow.

“Do you want something to sleep in?” I asked.

She shook her head. “No, my clothes are fine.”

“Okay.” I shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to say. “Well, I guess I’ll leave you alone. If you need something, just let me know. I’ll be in my room.”

“Thanks, Ethan…for everything,” she whispered.

Once I was in my bedroom with the door closed, I sat down on the end of my bed and put my head in my hands.

Tonight had been unexpected, to say the least. Caley showing up, realizing that she cared about me in a way I’d only fantasized about, had been more than shocking. But the worst part was knowing how she felt and being unable to act on it. It made things so much harder for not only myself, but for her as well.

I knew one thing for certain. I didn’t envy her or the situation she now found herself in.

I glanced at my bedroom door, the one thing separating me from her. Knowing she was only a room away was going to drive me nuts all night. I knew with complete certainty that sleep wouldn’t come easily tonight, if it came at all.