Envisioning Hope (15 page)

"Don't
say that," Oliver muttered.

I'd
had enough of this charade my mom, my dad, and even Libby kept going on about.
I had even started to believe in the idea that maybe, just maybe, everything
could eventually go back to normal and I would hopefully find some type of
happiness.

My
happiness was in a park, on a blanket, eating finger foods that I supposedly
made.

"I
can't stay in this place," I whispered this time. "I have nothing
here anymore. My heart is gone, my spirit is broken…I can't even fight for some
type of life anymore because the one I wanted was the life that was ripped away
from me–"

"Goddammnit!
Don't say it again!" His deep tone interrupted me and I could actually
feel the air around us change. It was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
His gravelly voice billowed through me, deep and demanding. He meant what he
said and he wanted me to know it. I heard him draw in a deep breath as if he
was pushing down his anger. I couldn't imagine why he would be angry about my
life, I was a stranger to him.

I
heard him laugh a bit before he spoke.

"You
have no idea, do you?"

I
was confused by his words, no idea about what? I'm sure my expression
interpreted exactly what my thoughts were.

"You
don't. You have no idea the beauty I see when I look at you, Hope." The
air between us became heavy, but neither of us said a word. I sat there, caught
off guard by what Oliver had just confessed.  I could hear his voice whispering
to himself as though he was fighting some internal battle that he wanted me to
know no part of. His voice was now behind me, so I turned my body as to follow
his movements.

"You
have strength that goes beyond this world… it almost seems like a super power.
To overcome what you have gone through and, deep down, still fight… and don't
say you don't. I get to see it daily, Hope. Every time I open that door and see
you take a drink of water or brush your teeth, I see it. Day after day, you get
up, put your clothes on, and, even if you fight me, you still do what needs to
be done to be who you want to be. The courage you show is mind blowing."
As Oliver continued knocking me off kilter with his words, I could hear him
draw closer to me. "Never have I met anyone like you…the way your face
beams with excitement when you've accomplished something you didn't think you
could. Seeing the memories come back to you in a wave of emotions…don't think I
can't see them, they are written all over your face," he said as he
chuckled.

"I'm
not brave," I whispered as I heard him drop down next to me. "Why do
you do that?" Oliver breathed against my face. "Why do you push away
the good and suck up the bad? Look at you…"  I sniffed up what was left of
my pity party and decided to put myself back on the defense since he obviously
had an issue with me.

"Oh,
I see me, Ollie…I see who I am and what I've become! I don't want to be this
person anymore!"  I yelled, saying the thoughts that had been trapped deep
inside of me all this time. It was almost therapeutic getting it out into the
open.

"Bullshit!
You're a coward! The person I know would think about the people that cared for
her before herself!" he yelled back without gentleness or thought.  "And,
as hard as she fights, she wouldn't be giving up this easy." His breath
was hot and fast as it blew against me. I could feel his body close to mine as
I got up on my knees to bring myself to a power stance.

"They're
better off without me," I stated.

"They're
miserable without you," he snapped back.

We
sat there for minutes not saying a word, our breaths intermingling between us.
I didn't need to see him to know that he had his feelings completely exposed. I
felt Oliver's hand come up and gently, almost lovingly, touch the side of my
face. "That's the first time you've called me Ollie," he whispered.
Even though I didn't want to admit it, his touch cleared my mind of all the
chaos that had happened since the accident. The pushing away of my family…of
Libby, all my fights with him; for just a moment, I felt free of all the bad.

I
sat back down when he quickly drew back his hand and I couldn't feel him in
front of me anymore. Thrown off by what was happening, I was hoping that maybe
he had left me alone. I reached out my hands quickly to see if they would hit
anything. There was nothing there. I relaxed my body and leaned back.

Then,
I spoke through the darkness to no one.

"I
see pain…every second of every day is filled with black and the agony of
knowing I won't get to see my child's face ever again. This darkness…" I
pointed to my eyes, "is the daily reminder that I will never be able to
see that piece of jasmine you held up in front of me or relive the memories
that the scent brings back to me."

I
picked up my head and raised it up to the sun. I felt the rays heat my face, my
tears evaporating before they had a chance to run down the sides of my face.

"I
had to push them away, all of them. Just hearing my mom and dad's voices made
my insides scream because
they
were a part of Charlie and Sawyer."
I plucked a blade of grass from where I was sitting and ran it up sideways
between my fingers, feeling the razor sharp edges slide against my skin. "When
my mom would come by to see me, she'd always talk about what she would be doing
in her garden, how the weather was beautiful, and all I would hear was how
Sawyer had gotten so big since the last time she had seen him or how Charlie
did a great job fixing something that needed to be repaired at their house."

I
shook my head from side to side. "It was for the best that I made them go
away."

His
voice surprised me but then I felt a feeling I hadn't experienced in a while…
loyalty. Oliver didn't leave me even though I wanted him gone, he didn't let me
push him away.

"And
whose best interest did you have in mind, Hope?"

I
didn't have to think about that answer. I knew who I was thinking about when it
came to having to deal with a blind adult. It was time for mom and dad to be
together and live their lives. They had raised their child, they didn't need to
deal with an almost child-like adult.

"Theirs!"
I exclaimed as though that would make my point valid.

"You
think they're out traveling the world, drinking it up and enjoying life? Think
they party it up every weekend like they
should
be doing?" His
voice started to become thicker as he gritted the last part through his teeth. "No,
they're at home worrying over their daughter who has kicked them out of her
life for no apparent reason. Drenched in worry and guilt, their lives have come
to a halt because of
you
having their best interest in mind. You think
you're sad over losing your child?" My body filled with anger as he
brought up Sawyer. How dare he go there! I went to speak, but he didn't let me.
"Their child is lost, but not gone. Try imaging that type of pain!"
Oliver's voice became almost explosive as to drown mine out.

He
changed direction again, so he must've been pacing back and forth. This time
his voice was back in front of me.

"You're
thinking of their well-being? That's a crock of shit!"

Suddenly,
I was the one who was up against him, poking my finger into his chest. "Don't
you ever bring up my son! You don't know anything about having a child and then
having it ripped away from you! I am a grown woman, I don't own them anything
and they sure as shit don't need to waste their time on someone who doesn't
want them around! As a matter of fact, why don't you go join them? Go! Get the
fuck outta here! I don't want you here!"

I
started to walk over the grass, I could feel it as I stomped away from him. I
didn't know if I was going in the right direction and didn't really care, I
just knew I needed to get as far away from him as I could.

Swinging
my arms back and forth out in front of me, I walked cautiously so as not to run
into anything or fall down and make an ass out of myself. Finally, I took a
step out and felt concrete under my foot. This was the parking lot. I continued
walking as straight as I could, swinging my arms out side to side.

"You're
going the wrong way," I heard Oliver's voice some ways away. It was
gentler now, but there was no way in hell I would turn around and prove to him
that I couldn't do a normal thing like walking to a destination.

"If
it's away from you, then no I'm not!" I yelled back as I kept trekking.  "Let
me help you. You're heading away from the building. Turn completely around and
walk straight.

I
hated that I had to depend on someone and I hated it even more that it was him.
I mentally agreed to allow him to help me back into the building and that would
be it. I would make sure that I didn't have to deal with him again. I could
hear his footsteps crunching the grass as he made his way to me, then the sound
of footfalls on concrete. He was getting closer, I backed away. He grabbed my
hand quickly and held it tightly, as though he didn't want me to pull away.

"I'm
sorry I brought up your son and you're right, I don't know what it's like to
have lost a child. I also agree, you are an adult and you can choose who you
want or don't want in your life, but just because you push someone away, doesn't
mean they push you away. Honey, people are hurting for you because you are
special to them and they want to help you out of love, not out of pity. You
have made this about shame, but maybe, just maybe, if you would open your eyes
and see what you still have in your life, you'd realize that those people think
your life is worth it…me included. "

I
didn't know what to say to that. As a matter of fact, I couldn't say anything.
I was selfish. This was about not having what was mine anymore. My mom had my
dad and she was happy and so in love, just like I was with Charlie. Libby had
Bobby and, last I'd heard, they'd been given a baby and were their own little
happy family. Yet, here I was, no husband, no baby…hell, I couldn't even look
around me.

Yeah,
I deserved something and I chose selfishness.

"Yeah?
You want me to open my eyes and realize what I have around me? Maybe I don't
want to. Maybe I'd rather not see what's around me…have you ever thought of
that? Maybe I don't want to see how happy, happy, joyous, joyous everyone
around me is!" I spat out. The words were slipping out of my mouth
drenched in nothing but jealousy and hatred for the people who cared the most
about me. How sick was that on my part?

I
turned to start walking back to the hospital when I heard Oliver whisper words
that stopped me in my tracks and sliced through me so hard, I gripped my
eyelids and gritted my teeth as to hold back the tears.

"Kind
of ironic that someone with the name Hope doesn't have one ounce of it left in
her body."

He
was right, I didn't. Not one drop. I knew that my life would never be good
again and that nothing would work out. I knew I would never get a happy ending.

I
didn't want it.

I
didn't say anything, I just pulled myself together quietly and breathed a sigh
of relief when I felt the breeze of the air-conditioned hallway fall across my
face. Walking several feet in, Oliver's voice caught me off guard as he called
for a nurse. We continued walking as I heard a nurse approach us. Oliver asked
if she'd be kind enough to take me back to my room. I wasn't going to argue,
that would mean I didn't have to deal with him any longer. I held my body in a
defensive stance, ready for Oliver's next statement on how I would regret
everything that I was deciding on, but nothing came out of his mouth. I felt
his hand let go of mine as he set it in the nurse's and continued to remain
silent.

Then,
I heard his footsteps walk away from me and something in me broke for good.

Chapter 14

Three
Weeks Later

My
eyes went back and forth between the paper and the numbers above the door.
Having gotten the information from the yellow pages site online, I wasn't sure
whether it was correct. I looked around me. The bums on the street corner in
front of the trashcan set on fire as they warmed their hands had my senses on
edge. This wasn't the best of neighborhoods even though it was only four blocks
over from mine. I opened the door and headed up the stairs that led to the
apartment door. I looked at my watch, seven thirty-nine. I knocked.

I
checked the bar first and, surprisingly, he wasn't there. I could hear his
footsteps on the old, wooden floor as he approached. With the turn of the lock
and several latches being undone, Glenn stood in front of me with a look of
shock on his face.

"Ollie…everything
okay?"

I
looked down at the paper in my hands again and suddenly thought to myself that
this was a
very
bad idea.

"Uh…uh…"

I
couldn't make any words come out of my mouth. I wasn't sure how he would
respond to my request, but with the weeks that had passed, I just knew it was
worth a shot.

I
had to take a break from Hope. I couldn't look at her…her beauty, everything
she had to offer, and see that all she saw was pain and impossibility. I had to
get her to see, but I didn't know how to go about doing that.