Envisioning Hope (16 page)

That's
where Glenn would come in.

"Glenn,
I wanted to ask you… I have a client, a friend of mine, who I think you could
really help out."

Glenn's
look went from shock to puzzled. Still standing at the door, I decided that if
I was going to do this, I was going to do it right. I took a breath and let it
out.

"Can
I come in?"

"Sure,
sure…apologize about that, Ollie. Don't get many that come a'visitin' so my
manners are a bit out of sort."

I
could smell the alcohol on his breath as he spoke and thought to myself that
maybe this was a huge mistake.

Looking
around his apartment, I made a mental note to go through my closet and find
some old household items and bring them over to him ASAP. I kind of felt bad
for the guy. The dingy white walls were bare and over in the corner sat an old
recliner that looked as if he picked it up out of a trash dumpster. Opposite,
was a small black and white television that gave off more static than program
propped up on a pile of old newspapers..

"Come
in…come in. Take a seat," Glenn insisted as he pulled a folding lawn chair
from the corner. I smiled and thanked him as he handed it to me. I pulled it
apart and set it down. "Don't have nothin' cold to drink, got some whisky
though…you up for some?" I smiled a friendly smile as I held up my hand to
decline. "I won't take up too much of your time, Glenn. I just wanted to
see if you would help me out. I wouldn't normally ask, but this one is…"
My heart was pounding at the thought of losing Hope but I had to face the
reality that maybe she was already gone. "She's slipping away from me,"
I whispered the last part as I turned my gaze down at my hands. Glenn didn't
speak so I picked my head up to look in his direction. His face was pale and
his eyes were emotionless as they stared off behind me. I couldn't read where
his thoughts were and I had come to the conclusion that I had made a terrible
mistake.

"Glenn,
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot, I just thought…"

"What
do you need me to do?" he asked in a caring manner. I calmed myself down
enough so I could tell him what my idea was. "Just talk to her…show her
that there is good still in this world. I've said it until I am blue in the
face, I think she thinks I'm lying," I joked just to break the tension in
the room, but I could tell he knew I was serious.

Glenn's
posture changed, he didn't look relaxed anymore. His eyebrows drew together and
he looked at me as if he was trying to read me.

"Given
up on life, has she?" he asked as if really concerned. When I put the
pieces of the puzzle together, I had a feeling he truly was.

"Yeah,
Glenn…I think she really has," I said, not holding back the truth. He sat
there for a moment not saying a word.

"Not
gonna lie to you, Glenn…I think maybe you two share something in common."
I looked around the room, taking in what this man had called a home. White
walls, paint peeling off, old pictures of what used to be a hint of a life
taped up on the walls. You could hear the water pipes above as they moaned,
informing us that the plumbing in this building was shit and that someone was
running water. A small electric hot plate sat over in the corner of the kitchen
and still looked brand new which told me it hadn't been used much. This wasn't
a home, it was a place to lay his head and maybe take a shower once and a while
so that he was able to go out in public to get what he needed…the same exact
way Hope was acting.

They
had given up on life. They had both loved and lost.

Suddenly,
Glenn bowed his head and I took this moment to say what I needed to say. "Glenn,
I can't tell you that I know what you're going through, buddy. I'm not gonna
feed you that line. What I will tell you is that I care for the woman…care
about her a lot, man. If I don't bring her back, I'm gonna be in the same spot
you're in. Now, I'm no shrink, but this isn't good. Look at you, man. It's
time."

Glenn's
head rose up and I could see the water building in his eyes. I wasn't done, so
I continued with what I had to say. I was desperate and I wasn't about to hold
back now.  "It's time, Glenn. Time to start healing, you pulling away from
everyone, from life, is not going to make it go by any easier or faster. You
sitting here, thinking about your daughter or drinking away a memory of a love
that was lost, that you had no control over, is not the way to regain control
of a life you wanted to have. I‘ve watched you, night after night, try to drink
this hurt away and it's not working, buddy. I'm sorry to tell you that, but it's
not bringing her or your daughter back." Hearing him sniff, I knew he was
coming to the realization of what I was saying. "Here's your chance to
make it right, to start life new, Glenn."

"It's
too late for me, Ollie," Glenn whispered.

"It's
never too late, Glenn," I demanded.

I
looked around again, attempting to get some type of control of this
conversation. I pictured Hope. Her courage, her strength was what I fell in
love with and I was going to use that as what kept me going. I had to fight for
her. That day when she was asking for me suddenly popped back into my thoughts
and I was filled with what seemed like hope.

Maybe
she did care for me. It may not be what I felt for her, but if it was just a
spark of anything, it was a start.

I
closed my eyes and pictured her that day out in the garden; the look on her
face when I ran the jasmine under her nose. The look on her face as she
realized what it was branded itself into my heart. I wanted to give that to her
every day of her life.

But,
would she allow me to?

I
let those thoughts go as I brought my attention back to Glenn who was now
staring at the picture of his daughter taped up above the small television.

"Never
met her, but she holds my heart, Ollie," Glenn whispered. By the sound of
his voice it was clear that he was trying to hold back tears.

"I
know," I silently replied. I couldn't argue with that.

I
didn't know the love a father felt for a child because I wasn't one, but I
could imagine. Suddenly, my thoughts filled with Hope pregnant with my child.
Her beautiful smile, bright and cheery just for me, as she ran her hand over
her ever growing belly, showing my child how much love she feels for her.
Flashes of my daughter growing up looking like her mother revealed themselves
to me; her first dance, her wedding… my heart felt as though it would burst.

"Where
do I need to be?" Glenn said out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting him to
accept my offer. In fact, I was expecting him to throw punches with how
truthful I had been with him.  I didn't let my guard down yet. With this next
truth, I may have to eat my own words.

"Gotta
ask, Glenn. You gonna be sober?"

I
only slightly winced when I finished. I waited to feel the burn from his fist
meeting my face, but it never came. I opened my eyes as I looked over to Glenn.
His eyes filled up once again with tears.

"Lady
means a lot to ya?" I heard his question but my voice wouldn't come to me.
Hope didn't just mean something to me, she meant everything to me. Never in my
life did I think it was possible to care about someone so much that you were
willing to do anything and everything in your power to save them. I wanted
nothing more than to wrap my arms around her so that she never felt anything
like this again.

It
was my turn to feel the burning in my throat and to have my eyes coat over with
a mist of tears. Instead of answering, I just shook my head.

"Okay
then…don't make me ask you again, boy. Where am I meetin' you?"

Chapter 15

Three
weeks.

It
had been three weeks since I had heard from Oliver. I sat in my corner thinking
on every word I had said to him that made him go away. Guilt filled me, I didn't
mean to be cruel but he had to know that I was not a good thing and he should
spend his time on people that actually needed him.

You
do need him.

I
heard that voice in the back of my head but I pushed it down. I didn't need
him, I needed to be with my husband and child.

You
want to be with him.

"No!"
I yelled out as loud as I could. I grasped ahold of my hair, hoping the pain
would make those thoughts stop. Quickly, I got up and went directly to the
television, turning the knob to make the sound louder. Walking over to the
radio, I reached down, pushing the button as the volume increased as well. I
went back to the wall and slid down, pulling my knees to my chest as I laid my
cheek against my knee.

My
mind was spinning. I set my thoughts on Charlie and suddenly they were filled
with Oliver. All this time I had spent with Oliver, I was beginning to feel
like I was found again. Now that he wasn't coming, I felt as lost as I did the
day I did lose everything. But, it wasn't right for me to feel this way about
someone that wasn't Charlie. I was never supposed to think about anyone else.
That was my torment for having to live without them.

That
was when I heard it, the turn of the lock. I held my breath. I picked up the
scent of his cologne before I heard his voice and a wave of calmness washed
over me.

"Ollie,"
I breathed.

There
was no response. I pushed up against the wall as I pulled myself to a standing
position. I kept my emotions hidden but felt the relief build inside of me.

"I'm
not staying. I just wanted to tell you that someone is here to talk to you. You
don't have to say a word, just listen to what he has to say."

I
didn't let him finish, I needed to get out what I've needed to say.

"Oliver,
we need to talk."

"No…not
now. I want you to listen. After, we'll talk. He's not a doctor and he isn't
here for any type of test, so don't throw anything at him and let him say what
he has to say. "

I
didn't say anything, I just stared in the direction of his voice, wishing I
could hear some type of emotion in his tone. There was nothing. I relaxed my
stance and nodded once. I heard his feet shuffle to the door as another pair
shuffled in slower.

I
sat back down and waited to hear someone's voice. I heard the footsteps walk
past me, slow and staggered. Finally, I heard him clear his throat as he began
to speak.

"I
was told it was okay to call you Hope. Do you have an issue with that?"
The man's voice was rough and his southern twang told me he was born and raised
somewhere close to here.

"It's
fine," I responded, making sure it was in a strong tone.

He
never replied. I counted his footsteps and measured him to be in the middle of
the room when the footfalls stopped.

"Don't
know if what I have to say matters, but I told Ollie I'd come talk to ya
anyway."

His
tone was shaky, he was nervous. He probably didn't do this often, speaking to
strangers that is. I thought I'd be nice and help him out.

"What's
your name?" I asked

"Oh
yeah, you might wanna know that, right?" he joked, nervously. "Name's
Glenn, Glenn Harbroke."

I
didn't get up, I stayed planted in my corner as I replied, "Nice to meet
you, Glenn."

"Heard
you lost your family," Glenn said just as plainly as he said his name. I
felt a bit insulted. He should be asking me about my family with a little bit
of sensitivity and reverence. This wasn't a dog we were talking about, this was
my family.

"I
don't talk about my family," I replied in a voice that also said not to
push me.

"Why
wouldn't you talk about your family?"

"I
didn't say I didn't talk about my family," I defended, hoping that would
put an end to this conversation.

"Yes,
you did. You just said, ‘I don't talk about my family'," Glenn retorted.

"Okay
then, let me clarify. I don't talk about my family with you or with anyone I
don't want to talk about my family with. There…does that answer your question?"

"Then,
again, why wouldn't you talk about your family?"

I'd
had enough. Oliver asked if I would listen to this man talk, I didn't agree to
answer questions. I wasn't in a therapy session. I got up from the corner and
started toward Glenn's voice.
"Look, I don't want to talk to you about my family. I don't like to
mention my family. I told Ollie I would listen to you speak. If you're not
going to speak, I am going to ask you to leave."

"Also
heard you can't see, that true?"

Was
this guy for real? I couldn't believe the nerve of him! I didn't know who he
thought he was but this subject was not going to be discussed.

"Who
are you? The angel of misfortune?" I asked as I made my way across the
room. "Are you gonna bring up every bad thing that's ever happened to me?"

"You
think I need to?" Glenn responded, which just pissed me off even more. "No,
I don't think you need to. What I think you need to do is get whatever shit you
brought in here and get the hell outta my room before I call security!" I
yelled at him.