Envisioning Hope (20 page)

"I
was, you know," Charlie said as I turned my head to look at him, admiring
the same picture. "I never knew more joy than I did when I was with you,"
he finished. I closed my eyes knowing that I felt the same exact way he did.

"I
don't know how to do this, Charlie."

"You
are absolutely right, Hope. Something has to change," he said after I
thought that very thought. Charlie was reading my mind, answering the questions
that I had instead of telling me what he needed to tell me.

However,
he didn't have to tell me, I knew exactly what he was going to say.

I
beamed a smile from ear to ear as tears welled up inside of me, I knew deep
down what was coming next.

"I'm
not coming anymore, Hope."

The
smile left my face immediately. My body tensed and I felt panic wash over me.
This was really it. I started to doubt that I could do this without the two of
them.

"You
have a new life to begin. You can do it. I've watched you do it so far and you're
a survivor, Hope…then and now.

I
took a step closer to him as he took one back.

"I'm
scared, Charlie. I'm so scared."

I
was hoping he would change his mind, but in my heart, I knew that wasn't an
option.

"Why
do you think I sent him to you?"

Him…what
was he talking about? I'm sure my face revealed my confusion.

"What
are you saying, Charlie?"

I
felt the tears as they rolled down my cheeks. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to
him or Sawyer, I wanted more time.

"More
time just means more hardship, babe. Sawyers moved on, he's happy where he is
and he's with me. That man is good for you, Hope. I handpicked him myself."

That's
when it hit me, he was talking about Ollie. He picked him out for me? I couldn't
deal with this, it was all so strange. At this moment, I didn't want to let
Charlie go.

"No!
You're good for me!" I pleaded through my tears.

Was
this what he wanted, me down on my knees begging for him not to leave me?
Because if it was, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I didn't care what it cost me, I
wanted him with me... I needed him. This couldn't be it.

"Babe,
look at us. I see you in your dreams, you're in a hospital. None of this is
good for you. I want you to be happy, honey, and when you're with him…I haven't
seen you that happy since before the accident. You deserve to feel that
feeling. We love you and nothing will ever change that. We will always be with
you, Hope, but it's time for you to let us go. Oliver is there to take my
place. Trust me, it took me some time to make sure, but he's everything that
you need. Go, babe. Live."

The
tears were streaming down my face and they couldn't be stopped. I couldn't
survive without the two of them, but, deep down, I knew that they needed to go
where they were happy and together. I was the selfish one keeping them here. I
couldn't talk, all I could do was nod my head. Slowly, Charlie walked over to
me and pulled my face up so he could look into my eyes. I was a blubbering
mess, but he smiled and wiped away the tears that covered my cheeks.

"Thank
you for all that you gave me, wife."

I
couldn't stop the tears from coming as I ran my hand over his jaw. His skin was
cool to the touch but his eyes still burned directly into my soul as I said my
final goodbye.

"Thank
you for all that you gave me, husband."

And,
with that said, Charlie lowered his head down to lay a kiss against my lips. I
closed my eyes…

And
woke up to nothing.

Chapter 19

One
Month Later

I
hadn't heard from Ollie…

A
month had passed and still no word from him. It was killing me. Every day I
would get up and get dressed, anticipating an arrival that never came. And,
each day it hurt a little more as the thought that I would never hear from him
again echoed through my mind.

Questions
on what happened, what I may have done, bombarded my mind and I couldn't come
up with an answer that would make this hurt leave.

I
stood in front of the sink as I ran the toothbrush through my mouth just as I
did every morning in the monotonous routine called somewhat of a life. I was
doing well with my counseling and ready to transfer to the outpatient program
where I would attempt to live at home with my parents. I planned on finishing
out the week here and then I would be gone.

Gone
to start life over again… by myself.

I
rinsed my toothbrush off, stuck it back in its container like I always did, and
counted my steps to the door. Pushing it open, I felt for the railing on the
wall that led down the hallway I had become accustomed to walking down daily. My
counting took my mind off of the one man that seemed to overwhelm my thoughts.
I made it to the nurses station and smiled as I heard the nurses say hello and
good morning. They talked to me now that I was coming out of my shell and wasn't
so violent. I could see their way of thinking, I even came down here and
apologized for my behavior. They all hugged me and we cried together. I felt
that I owed them some happiness for all the hell I gave them.

I
continued to walk, counting down the hallway steps and running my hand down the
wall. A familiar scent overwhelmed my senses and I stopped where I was.

It
was cologne.

I
knew that cologne. I snuggled close against a neck that was bathed in that
cologne.

It
was Ollie.

I
didn't know whether to stay where I was or run as quickly as I could to my room
to make sure he was really here. I decided on neither. I finished my walk, but
at a brisker pace. As I approached my door, the scent became heavier. He was in
my room. I took a breath as I came to the door and said a quick "I got
this" as I opened it up.

I
walked in and stopped. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing here.
Truthfully, I was kind of scared to find out. I took it upon myself to let him
know I knew he was here.

"Hi,"
I said in a soft tone. I held my breath until I could hear his voice. I didn't
have to wait too long.

"Hey,"
Ollie replied.

Tension
seemed to grow around us and for the life of me, I didn't know why. I had spent
over a year with this man, why would I be nervous around him?

"I
didn't think you wouldn't come back," I confessed.

"Figured
you needed some time with your family," Ollie immediately replied. I
nodded as anger built up inside of me. Why anger, I had no idea.

Questions
came to my mind and I didn't want to fight with him for fear he would leave,
but I had come to grips with being left behind by one man, if this one was
going to walk out, I may as well find out why.

"You
spent a year with me every day, rain or shine, ass kicking or no ass kicking,
and yet, you didn't think to at least come say goodbye to me?"

Ollie
was standing in front of me. I could feel his eyes staring at me and I found
myself grabbing his hand in mine. Rubbing the soft skin on the back of his
hand, I said, "Tell me what you see, Ollie."

It
wasn't a question. I needed to hear what he saw when he looked at me. He didn't
even have to think about his answer.

"I
see the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. A woman who is filled
with so much love it's seeping out of her but is scared to give one ounce of it
away. A love that is as enticing as it is addictive. Your strength can't even
been contained within your tiny body so you keep it up like a shield, guarding
you from all the things that you feel might harm you. I know that you played
the noise loud enough to drown out the silence because there's nothing more
terrifying than being alone, left in the dark, not knowing if anyone would even
care enough to give you a second thought. I know because I deal with it every
time I walk out of this room. Your intelligence amazes me. The face you would
make when you realized you can conquer a difficult situation plays over and
over again in my head. The cute expression that you'd get when you solved a
problem and overcome a challenge is indescribable, Hope."

Ollie
stopped talking for a moment as he lifted my hands and placed them on my
cheeks, covering them with his own. "See this face? There's nothing in
this world that makes me want to live more than looking at this face. I didn't
mean to, but at some point during all of this I fell in love with you and I can't
picture myself being without you."

I
couldn't feel my body. My head was trying to wrap itself around what Oliver had
just said and, still, I couldn't take it all in. I stayed where I was, my face
in our hands, and thought back to the time where I had felt him in the same
position we were in at this very moment. I thought back to just this morning
and the feeling of being lost again because I hadn't seen him.

I
removed my hands from under his and placed them up around his neck, bringing
him down as I pressed my lips gently against his. His lips were soft as they
wrapped around my lower lip. I pulled him in closer, allowing his body heat to
penetrate the coldness of my once hollow shell.

Oliver's
hands wrapped around the side of my head as he deepened the kiss. I grabbed his
top lip between mine and my body became heated. I felt him open just slightly
as his tongue gently swiped against my lower lip, tasting me. I followed the
same action nervously, but also excitedly.

Oliver
pulled back suddenly. His breathing was rapid, as was mine. I took a step
closer to him to show him that I was fine with what we were doing when he
stopped me. "I didn't want this to happen now. You're mourning and I'm an
idiot for saying what I said to you. I'm so sorry." His tone was nervous
and he spoke as though he was having trouble finding his words. I pushed
forward again as I reached for his hand.

"For
weeks you haven't come and I felt like I was lost in the dark again. Then, you
came back. You came back, Ollie."

I
ran my hand through the back of his long hair, feeling the strands brush
against the back of my fingers. I remembered how calming that felt and bit back
the fear of where this was leading,  allowing my senses to take over.

"Don't
ever be sorry for saying what you feel."

I
heard him chuckle as he walked away from me. I could tell he was hesitant, he
was worried I was still not in my right frame of mind. But, I wanted nothing
more at this very moment than to be here with him.

"Line
of encouragement?" Ollie said, attempting to break the tension in the
room. I smiled a small smile. "I had a great teacher," I responded as
I walked in the direction of his voice. I didn't have to walk far since he met
me halfway. I put my hands on his face, taking in his expression, trying to get
a read on how he was feeling. I ran the tips of my fingers over his lips and
felt them pull up into a smile. "It's the student who makes the teacher,"
he said quickly as he lowered his face down to kiss me again.

As
our lips connected, I pulled him closer. I lowered my hands to his arms so I
could run my hands over his skin. His warmth was pulling me to him, but I was
afraid it wasn't going to be enough. Ollie's mouth covered mine as he kissed me
tenderly. Our hands roamed over each other's bodies, experimenting with each
other's boundaries and enjoying every minute of it. I could feel his hand
tugging at the bottom of my blouse and I followed suit as I tugged his shirt
out of the top of his jeans.

I
placed my cool hands against the skin of his bare back and heard him let out a
small moan. I didn't know if it was a good moan or a bad one, but he didn't
pull away so I continued on. I brought my hands around to the front. Feeling
for his shirt's buttons, I started at the top. It didn't take him long to
become impatient and pull the shirt off himself. We broke the kiss just long
enough for him to remove my shirt up over my head.

I
ran my fingers over him quickly, just long enough to feel a true and healthy
male body. Coming back around front, I found the top button of his jeans.
Suddenly, he stopped.

"Wait,
wait, wait…"

"No…I'm
fine," I replied. Oliver ran his hand over the top of my head, pushing my
hair away from my face as he spoke.

"If
we're going to do this, I want to do this right," he whispered against my
lips. His scent infiltrated my senses and a feeling of stillness passed over
me. I nodded nervously, not knowing what to expect. I had to put my trust in
him and I hadn't had trust in someone since…

I
cleared my mind at the thought.

I
heard the sound of a zipper and the whoosh of jeans being pulled off. My
imagination was whirling with images. I had learned over the months that my
thoughts were now going to be my best friend and I was fully depending on them
now.

Oliver
grabbed my hand and started walking. "I'm just leading you to the bed,"
he revealed as we passed the small table. Finally, we stopped and I pictured us
standing right in front of the bed. "I'm going to take your jeans off."
He was narrating our first time. I didn't want this to be a lesson. I trusted
that he wasn't going to hurt me and I wanted him to do what came natural.