Envisioning Hope (17 page)

"You
want me to leave?" Glenn asked back.

"Isn't
that what I said? Do you have a hearing problem?!" I was on fire now. How
dare he bring up the worst tragedy that has ever happened to me as though it
was yesterday's news.

"Oh,
are you mad?" Glenn asked, his voice never raising. "Did I offend
you?" he finished.

"Hell
yes, I'm mad!" I exclaimed. I was livid and he wasn't even bothered by my
attitude which made me even more livid.  "And, yes, you did offend me. You
don't approach a stranger asking them about their family that has passed on
like it's no big deal."

"Why?"

That
was all Glenn said. That question took me over the edge. I didn't realize at
any time in my life that a one worded question would be the reasoning for my
demise, but I had a feeling it was going to be.

"You
have got to be fucking kidding me!" I screamed.

Suddenly,
silence overtook the room. There was nothing. I couldn't hear anything aside
from the beating of my heart that felt like it was going to come out of my
chest and my breath that was coming and going at the same speed. I looked
around the room to see if I could hear any noise, maybe just a shuffle of his
foot, there was nothing.

My
lungs were working double time, bringing in air just as fast as I let it go. I
moved around the room. I hated the silence, I never felt as impaired as I did
when it was silent. I walked quickly past the table thinking I would run into
Glenn. I continued to walk straight, then turned around and headed just as fast
back toward the door.

"Turn
on the sound!" I screamed as I planted my hands over my ears, trying to
bring the sound into my head so it didn't feel so empty.

"You
feel that?" Glenn's soft, rough voice hit my senses and I felt relief. I
turned around quickly as I blew out a breath. "I asked you if you feel
that." Glenn kept talking as he walked. I was confused, did I feel what? I
didn't know what he was talking about but his footsteps were heavy as they
headed in my direction.

"I
don't feel anything, Glenn. Why wouldn't you answer me when I called for
someone?" I asked, desperate to hear his voice just so I could hear some
type of noise.  "Yes, you do. I can hear it in your voice," Glenn's
tone sounded deeper and louder and closer. "Glenn, I don't know what your–"
His words and actions cut me off because I wasn't expecting the shocker that
came next.

Suddenly,
Glenn was almost in my face. My heart was pounding harder than it had ever
beat, my breaths still following that same rhythm. His words rang in my ears
and would continue to do so for the rest of my life.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Hope. That feeling right there,
the air being brought into you and then leaving, that heart beating so loud I
can hear it from where I'm standing. That's life! That's what I'm talking
about! That's survival running thick in your veins, girl! And, let me tell you
what, you're damn lucky to have had another shot to feel that feeling again!"

Glenn
continued as my body froze. He wrapped his hands around my shoulders. "You
not talkin' about your family is shit! You think that you're the only one who
lost that day? Let me tell you about a little thing called loved ones. That
husband of yours had a family…had a momma and a daddy whether they're alive or
not. Reckon' he had brothers, maybe a sister. With the way that you treated me when
I first walked in, could tell y'all had to have tons of friends. That little
one of yours…you don't think he had aunties, uncles, grannies, papas? You think
they like having to mourn alone in their own thoughts? Let me tell you somethin',
little girl, you are
not
the only one who lost someone that day!"

I
could feel my eyes burning as the tears begged to be shed, but I held my breath
so that they stayed right where they were. If it was the last thing I did, this
man would not see me cry. "You don't know what I lost." Until I
fought this emotion back, that was as good as a fight as he was going to get. "Don't
tell me what I've lost, little girl. You can't lose something you never had."

His
words ripped me in two. This man had never suffered the loss of a loved one
because he never had one. He never had to deal with the pain of never seeing
your child again because he wasn't a father. I couldn't believe that I let this
speech get to me this way. I took a deep breath and let it out. His time for
talking was over.

"You're
going to come in here and lecture me on how to deal with losing a husband and
child when you've never even had a family?" I bit out in a tone that was
full of malice. The nerve of this man!

"Never
said that, darlin'. Said you couldn't lose what you never had." Now I was
back to being confused and still pissed as I heard his feet shuffle around the
cold, hard, concrete floor. Suddenly, the squeaking of the chair's legs
scratched against the concrete as he pulled it back to sit down. I crossed my
arms and stood stiff, waiting for another fight to begin as he set on telling
his tale.

"Used
to be a truck driver, couldn't tell it now but back then girls thought I was
the pick of the litter. Used to drive all the time, didn't have anyone at home
so I filled my time with seeing God's country while hitchin' up and delivering
all I could." I dropped my arms and relaxed my stance a bit as he
continued on.  "One time, drivin' through Cheyanne, I stopped at a small
truck stop. It was snowin' so bad, you couldn't see the hand in front of your
face, ‘bout damn near froze runnin' in from the truck to the store." Glenn
became quiet and I imagined him shaking his head. You could hear pure emotion
with the next words that came out of his mouth. "Best night of my life
walkin' into that store. Little red-headed girl, pretty as you ever saw, stood
behind the register. God…she took my breath away.

"I
made a path that included that truck stop from wherever I was going to where I
needed to be. We eventually talked… told me her name was Daisy. Sweetest name I
ever heard. To this day, I can't even look at one of them flowers. Months
passed, I found myself going back there even if I didn't need to. Things
progressed between us. It got pretty hot and heavy with us, I ain't gonna lie,
emotions ran deep for me and it felt damn good when I made her mine one night
at the local motel."

He
didn't have to say it, I could hear the pain in his voice that that memory
brought him. I couldn't tell if it was a good pain or a bad pain, so I
continued to listen to his story.

"After
our night together, things went back to the way they were. I would come by, we
would talk, but I could tell something was different in Daisy. She wasn't the
outgoing girl she was when I first met her. Weeks turned into a few months and
I tried calling the store, but Daisy was never there. Finally, I went back. I
asked the lady that was now working there about her, told her I was an old
friend, all I got was that she was on vacation for a week or two. I left and dropped
back by again the next month. No Daisy. All I got was some excuse about her
having to go home, something about a sick momma." As Glenn continued you
could hear the hurt that was building up inside of him. How this man had the
strength to continue to tell the story was beyond me. I didn't say anything,
letting him finish his story. "Came back a couple weeks later, found out
she didn't work there anymore. ‘Bout broke me in two seeing as that little girl
done went off and didn't let me know what was going on. But, I kept on. Years
went by… met my wife, married her…"

Sadness
grew in his tone. I heard him adjust his chair, which meant he was
uncomfortable. He didn't want to say that marrying his wife was a mistake, but
his voice told me he knew deep down it was. "Tried to do the right thing,
tried for years to have a family, found out later it wasn't possible. Something
‘bout my wife, she wasn't able to carry a child. Still, I stayed ‘cause I did
love her in a way. It wasn't a love like I felt for Daisy, but that was a
onetime chance. More time slipped away and so did the relationship with my
wife, but I was stupid and allowed it to happen. That was my mistake, she knew
I couldn't love her the way she deserved to be loved."

"Then,
one day, just like today…or any other normal day, I came home from work and did
my normal, everyday routine of walking out to check the mail…" Glenn
stopped talking and slid his chair as though he was attempting to get
comfortable again. Then, I heard his feet move close to me. In a small, rough
voice, he asked, "May I?"  I nodded and waited to see what I had
given him permission for when I felt him gently turn my hand over and place
something in the palm of my hand. I tilted my head down as I ran my other hand
over it. My fingers detailed the torn and tattered paper that had been taped
several times. It felt like a small photograph, which I could expected to be of
Daisy.

"There's
a letter that goes with that picture. Keep it right next to that photograph you
hold in your hand, along with the best words I think I have ever heard in my
life. She told me I had a daughter," he said, choked up. "Don't know
how Daisy found me, didn't really care. She told me I had a daughter." His
voice changed. He was so proud of the words that left his mouth. "At the
time Daisy wrote this, the baby was two and she had married a man that took her
on pregnant. He had been good to both of them."

"Of
course, I went inside and immediately wrote back, asking if I could see them
both. I mailed it off then went back inside to tell my wife about what was
going on. Again, my stupidity. I never thought of how that would make my wife
feel. It drove a wedge in between us even further. She started going out, I
knew she was seeing other men, I was just really to the point that I didn't
care anymore. Deep down, I wanted Daisy to write back telling me that she would
leave her husband and we would be a family together."

Just
as fast as he handed me the picture, it was gone. Glenn grabbed it away from me
as I heard him fold it back up and place it back in the place where he kept it.

"Guess
Daisy and I had two different thoughts on the matter." Agony could be
heard throughout all of him as he continued on.

"Still,
to this day, I have never met my daughter."

"Jesus…"
I responded in shock.

"Believed
in him all my life, gave up on him long ago. Think he's got better things to
deal with then little ole me," Glenn shot back almost instantly.

"That's
what I'm saying to you, little girl… don't miss out. I don't know what you're
going through, or what you've been through, but don't waste it sitting in here
while you have people who would bleed to make you happy."

Suddenly,
Glenn was close again, close enough to be in my space.

"Honey,
you may think you have tomorrow to fix what you should've fixed yesterday but
you and I both know that sometimes life has a sense of humor. Don't let it
catch you in a practical joke. Don't make your daddy yearn for his baby. What
you're feeling right now for your child is nothing compared to what your daddy
is feeling for his baby girl who is still alive but can't be reached in her
time of need. You are ripping that man apart, I can promise you that. Take it
from someone who knows. I know what it's like to give up. I've lived it, Hope.
Drink just to get through the morning and drink even more to get through the
night. Don't follow in my footsteps. Yes, you have some setbacks, but you're
young. And, with the way you fight…shit, they're tiny speed bumps on your
highway, 'lil girl."

Glenn
stopped talking and not a sound was to be heard. It was then I realized I
couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I bowed my head and sat there silently as
the tears fell for my sweet baby that I had the pleasure of holding every day
for eight months of my life. Tears for my loving husband who I had the
privilege of calling my husband for the most wonderful five years I could
imagine. Tears because they were both disappearing from my thoughts and
becoming even dimmer in my dreams.

"I'm
so scared, Glenn," I cried. And, I was. I was terrified. Not about
continuing on, but about losing their memories. Life went on, every day meant
one day further from the day I lost my heart and soul.

"No
one said this was going to be easy, honey. This life ain't about easy, it's
about separating those who can handle their shit and those who can't. I don't
know ‘bout you, but I'm just about to the point where I can handle my shit,"
Glenn said in a joking manner, but I could tell he was dead serious. It had
taken him that long to be able to handle getting up, getting dressed, and
dealing with life. This was not reassurance for me. I didn't want to spend
fifty years getting over Charlie and Sawyer. Hell, I didn't want to live that
long without them.

"What
do I do, Glenn?" I asked desperately. I wanted the answer I was looking
for. I wanted this pain to go away and I wanted my family back. I missed my mom
and dad and I missed my best friend. I needed my family back.

I
needed
my
family back.

"First
off, you make things right with your momma and daddy. It's okay to mourn with
them. You need to mourn with them, let them take some of this from you. Share
your times, good or bad. It don't matter, it was times and that's what matters.
Laugh…cry…get mad…throw shit…just do it with them."