Envisioning Hope (5 page)

Suddenly,
I was overwhelmed with panic. This couldn't be happening. None of it. This was
a nightmare that I needed to wake up from…now! I couldn't get up and run away
because I couldn't see where I was. My body was sluggish and the thought that
maybe I was being drugged crossed my mind. I felt as though I was losing my
mind.

"You
were involved in a collision. From the ER trauma surgeon's report, a semi ran a
red light hitting your side of the vehicle. Sometime during impact you
sustained extreme head trauma that caused the retinas to detach from both of
your eyes."

What
was he saying… was he saying…was I blind?

I
lowered my head in confusion. There was no way in hell that I could even wrap
my mind around what I was hearing. No, this wasn't happening.

He
was lying!

"Shut
up!" I screamed. I raised my hands up to my eyes, I needed my eyes to
work. I rubbed my fists against them as though that was going to make it all
better. I opened my eyes up to a still void world.

"Mrs.
Saxton, I would recommend not doing–"

"Turn
on the light," I whispered.

There
was no response.

"Turn
on the lights!" I screamed as I turned my head, looking for the man that
was just here. My breathing was fast, but my heart rate was faster. My head
felt dizzy but I was not about to admit defeat. As soon as the lights were
turned on, they would see that my eyes were fine.

"Mrs.
Saxton, the lights are on," I heard the doctor say next to my ear.

Panic
overcame me once more.

I
began pulling at the material that covered my lower extremities and screamed.

"No…No…No!"

I
had to get out of here. The lights just weren't bright enough in here, I needed
to be outside. The sun would be bright enough to prove them wrong. I needed to
leave. I felt up my arm, tubing was taped to the back of my hand. I began to
pull at the tape.

"Uh
uh…not happening, Mrs. Saxton," the doctor said as I felt his cold hand
grasp my hand. I pulled away violently.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" I frantically cried.

"Nurse,
get me ten cc's of Diazepam stat!"

I
heard the trampling again but didn't bother with ending my rant. Why wouldn't
he just allow me to go outside? Sunlight would be the only way I could prove to
him that he was wrong.

"Let
me out of here!" I flailed my arms around. I couldn't live like this. The
blackness was so dark it did more than scare me shitless, it terrified me.

Suddenly,
several pairs of arms grabbed me, pushing me back. I didn't know what was going
on, but I wasn't giving up. I was going to fight until I couldn't fight
anymore.

"Stop…what
are you doing? Let me up…let me go!"

"Mrs.
Saxton, I need you to be still for just for a moment." This was a new voice.
It was female but much rougher than the other's.

"Screw
you! I need you to let me up!" I spat back at her. I didn't know who the
hell she thought she was, but she wasn't going to talk to me like a child. I
pushed against the hands that held me down, but the more I pushed, the harder
they restrained me.

"I
don't know who the hell you–"

I
didn't feel the stick but I could hear my words become slow and garbled.

"That's
it, Mrs. Saxton. Let it go."

I
couldn't feel anything anymore. I wanted to fight the helplessness, but I
couldn't focus on who I needed to battle with.  I couldn't give into the
darkness I was already bathing in it. The sounds around me became jumbled. I
tried to turn my head to the sides to hear what was being said, but I couldn't
comprehend what their sentences meant. The last thought that consumed my mind
before I finally gave into whatever they had given me was where were my husband
and son?

*
* *

My
eyes fluttered open, yet there was still nothing to look at. I heard a moan
leave my mouth but didn't try to move. My body felt heavy, as though something
was sitting on top of me. I let out a gasp.

"You're
fine, Mrs. Saxton…you've been restrained."

I
heard the rough voiced nurse again. I tried to pick up my hand but it was
instantly halted and I heard the rattle of the side bar that was attached to
the bed.

"Undo
my hands," I slurred.

Immediately
the nurse replied, "I can't do that until the doctor comes in to speak
with you."

"Get
him in here then…now. I'm uncomfortable and I need to use the restroom."

This
time, she didn't reply. Silence fell on the room once again. I raised my head,
attempting to survey a room that I still couldn't see. I was now plunged into a
world of nothing. No color, no sense of beauty. I would never again look upon my
son's face as he grew up to become a man, or revel in the knowledge that he
grew to be an exact copy of his father. I would never see it for myself. I only
had my memories to remind me of what he looked like.

The
sounds of their voices drifting toward me brought me back to my reality.

"Ah,
Mrs. Saxton, I see you have decided to join us again This time in a better
frame of mind?" I ignored his smartass remark and asked the one question I
needed answered first.

"Where
are Charlie and Sawyer?"

"Let's
talk about you right now," he quickly shot back.

I
didn't want to discuss my circumstances right now, I wanted to hold my son in
my arms, to know that he and my husband were alright.

"I
want to know where my husband and son are, then we can deal with…with…"

I
couldn't even bring myself to say the words.  That one word meant that my
eyesight was gone and I was admitting defeat.

I
felt the teardrop fall to my cheek and instinctively moved to swipe it away. My
motion halted once more and the now familiar clinking of the bed rail sounded.

"We're
going to do everything we can to get your sight back for you."

The
doctor's voice told me that he knew what was on my mind, but I had to push
those thoughts away. I didn't have time for self-pity, I needed answers and I
needed them fast.

"Doctor?"
I asked as I turned my head around the room, seeing if I could pinpoint his
location in the room.

"I'm
here…"

I
was startled by his soft reply. For some reason, I wasn't expecting it. I
turned my head in the direction of his voice. At that moment, it dawned on me.
Maybe I didn't want to know about Charlie and Sawyer. They say that no news is
good news. If I was now blind from the accident, maybe they were too…or worse.

I
was not going to say it. I was not even going to think that word. I survived
and Sawyer was strapped in, facing the back like all the books I read said to
do. I just knew he survived. I remembered watching Charlie put on his seatbelt.
It's proven that most people involved in car accidents who wore their seatbelts
lived to tell others their dark tale. They were fine, probably in the next
room. I felt the restraints fall from my wrist as I asked, "When can I see
my family?"

"Mrs.
Saxton…I really don't think that's a good idea right now."

My
hands immediately went to my face. I began to feel around for cuts, stitches,
anything that would make me look horrendous enough for him not to allow me to
see my family. I felt over my cheek…nothing. I moved up, feeling the soft, thin
skin of my eyelids. It was like nothing was wrong... until I went to open my
eyes.

"Mrs.
Saxton, there is nothing wrong with your appearance. I just think you've had
enough for one day. Maybe you should–"

"Where
the hell is my family!" I yelled over him, interrupting his opinion on
what I could or could not handle.

"I'm
sorry, Mrs. Saxton, but they didn't make it," Doctor McEwen whispered
softly.

Those
words rang through my ears so loudly, I didn't even realize I was screaming
until I felt several arms holding me down. Not long after, I felt a small pinch
in my arm from a needle entering my skin. Suddenly, the weight of this whole
situation hit me with full force and my screams hollowed out, my voice becoming
hoarse.

My
family was dead.

Memories
of my past flashed through my mind. I could see the first time I rode a bike.
The day my parents gave me my first car. Charlie and my first date…our
wedding…Sawyer's birth, the feel of his skin against my breast as I nursed him
for the first time,  my son playing in the bathtub as though it was the
greatest adventure of all time. The smell of his soft hair as it rubbed against
my nose. The wave of emotion I felt knowing this was my son, my creation, as I
would dip down and breathe in his baby scent.

Everything
that I had ever held dear in my life imploded inside of me, fading away as
though it never happened. Along with it, the will to fight.

To
breathe.

To
live.

My
son. Charlie. The loves of my life… they were both gone.

I
had nothing left.

I
didn't need to close my eyes, they were already closed. The only way I knew that
the sedative was taking affect was by the sound of my screams continuing to
grow softer and softer.

Chapter 5

One
Year Later

I
poured myself a cup of coffee. There was something about the black, thick syrup
that didn't look appealing to me at all but this was going to be a requirement
for the workload I had scheduled this morning.

"Sheldon,
in my office in ten!"

Mr.
Cooper screaming across the office could not be a good thing. I looked at my
watch as I dumped a heap of powdered milk into the Styrofoam cup full of black
goo that was now the color of mud. I knew I was going to regret throwing this
down the back of my throat in about twenty minutes.

"Sure
thing, boss," I mumbled softly as I turned around to head back to my
office. Just as I was about to head in, Mr. Cooper expressed his feelings on
how I was not moving fast enough.

"What
didn't you understand about now, Sheldon?!"

I
looked back down at my watch again. "Sir, you said ten minutes," I
retorted in my own defense. Popping his head back out into the hallway, Cooper's
eyes were bulging. That was my sign not to push him this morning.

"Coming,"
I responded to his silent death threat.

"I
think this is considered employee cruelty," I muttered to myself as I
walked down to his office.

As
I entered, I saw that he had made himself comfortable in his large leather
chair. His desk planner was lying professionally across the large glass desktop
and all of the new intake files were alphabetized in the standup organizer that
sat proudly on the corner of his desk.

I
made a mental note to take the next few hours to arrange my desk so that it
resembled his. Plus, now I knew that holder was for more than just storing
unwanted mail.

"Come
in, take a seat." Mr. Cooper flung his hand out as he brought his cup up
to his lips, taking a small sip of the steaming java.

"Morning,
sir."

I
could hear the effects of a sleepless night still visible in my throaty morning
voice.

Sitting
his chair to the upright position, he reached into his standing organizer and
pulled out a file. "I have a case that has been brought to my attention
and I think it would be right up your alley."

Mr.
Cooper tossed the folder to the edge of the desk as I sat up, intrigued to
discover what his perception of what I would find appealing consisted of.

Opening
the file, my eyes went directly to the picture. There, in the black and white
mug-shot styled photo, was a woman. I noticed right away from the appearance of
her sunken in, barely opened eyes, she was blind.

I
stared at the photo. The woman was a mess. Her hair was knotted to the point
that it stood straight out. I could see that the top of her non-collared
hospital robe held large, splotched stains which translated to me that she was
unwilling to take proper care of herself. Most of my cases had disabilities,
but they were self-sufficient. This woman was quite the opposite. Her face was
grimaced and there was no smile on her lips.

"Husband
and eight month old son were killed in a car accident. She's been hospitalized
in the county ward since being released from the hospital a year and a half
ago. Aside from being blind, she's quite competent to live a full life. She's
made the choice to stay there. Ran her family off, her best friend stopped
coming to see her… she doesn't have contact with anyone anymore. That's where
you come in, Sheldon."

I
raised my head, pulling my brows together in confusion as I tossed the file
back at him without saying a word. He didn't say a word either; we just sat
there and looked at each other.