Every One Of Me (30 page)

I was telling the truth when I said I wasn't going to give
up, but saying the words and actually trying not to give up was harder than I
thought it would be. She didn't react when I told her I loved her, but I had a
feeling those words hadn't been spoken to her in a long time.

Trevor had come by shortly after I had walked in the door,
confirming that Benny had told him everything and sent him over to keep an eye
on me. He left five minutes later when I asked him what he would be doing if
Benny told him she didn't want him in her life.

He slumped down on the barstool he was sitting at and shook
his head. "I'm sorry, man. I can't imagine what that did to you."

"Then get out."

He left, but called an hour later to make sure I wasn't
doing anything stupid. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, but didn't have
anything to drink and had no desire to leave the house because I knew I would
head straight for Tess and
Jessi
would rip me apart all over again. If
it wasn't for that short moment where she looked like she wanted to comfort me,
I would have probably stopped at the liquor store on the way home. I needed to
keep my head on. I needed to make a plan.

The knock at the door pulled me out of my thoughts and I
looked around at my living room. I had thrown anything I could get my hands on
across the room. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to break, but the mess I had
made was enough to tell anyone I wasn't in a good mood.

Another knock, more insistent this time.

"Go away, Trevor!"

I laid my head on the back of the couch and threw my arm
over my face.
How was I going to convince --

"It's Tess."

Her voice was muffled through the door, but I could tell it
was her and my heart slammed against my chest. I ran to the door, flipped the
deadbolt, and tore it open. The look on her face told me that she knew. I never
talked to Benny about whether or not Tess should know what Jessi had said, but
apparently, she would have disagreed with me.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie," she whispered and a tear
spilled over onto her cheek before I could pull her into my arms.

"Don't. I'll figure something out. Don't lose hope,
sweetheart."

I dragged her inside and pulled her onto my lap as I sat on
the couch again. She came willingly and melted into my chest reminding me that
I was exactly where I wanted to be and no one was going to change that.

"B-but what if she g-goes and sleeps with
someone?" She was sobbing and having a hard time taking in a good breath
to calm herself down.

I wanted to tell her not to worry about that, but that would
be completely hypocritical. It was what I was worried about, too. So instead of
talking, I just held her. Pulled her down closer into my chest and wrapped my
arms tightly around her. When her tears finally subsided, I cupped her face in
my hands and wiped the last drops away with my fingers. Her lips looked so soft
and her chocolate caramel eyes were wide with fear.

I couldn't let her see how absolutely clueless I felt. I
promised her that I would take care of her and I would be damned if I broke
that promise, so I tried to lighten the mood.

"What? You think that after seeing
me
she would
want some other loser?"

She smiled, sadly, but enough to wipe the devastation off of
her beautiful face. "I'm glad one of us is thinking clearly."

I kissed her forehead and tucked her head under my chin as I
muttered, "We'll figure something out."

She nodded and relaxed against me. She trusted me so
completely and that was something to hold on to.

"Let's get some of your stuff together to bring here,
then we can stop by Dr. Geoffrey's on the way back. See what he thinks."

She hesitated, but nodded in agreement.

We would figure something out.

"First things first," she said quietly, then
crushed her lips to mine.

***

Tessa

At first, I had decided to go back to Boston. After
switching back and finding myself sitting at the table with Benny and Mom
looking like someone had died, and finding out that Charlie had left shortly
before, and what Jessi had said, going back to Boston was the only way to
protect the people I loved from being hurt by me. Physical or not.

Mom was completely against it and said if I left, she would
never speak to me again. We both knew better, but it made her feel like she got
in the last word. Benny didn't say
anything
until I was getting ready to
go to Charlie's.

"Don't just disappear this time, T."

I was fixing my hair in my bathroom and met her hard stare
in the mirror. She stood against the doorframe with her arms folded across her
chest.

"Disappearing will burn the only bridges you have still
standing. Don't do it again. You'll regret it for the rest of your miserable
life," she said firmly. "And it
will
be miserable."

I bowed my head and held onto the counter, my nerves tensing
at the thought of telling Charlie that he was going to have to let me go again.
"If I tell him, he won't let me go, Benny."

"Yeah. That's why I'm telling you not to disappear.
Talk to him. You need to go back, get some more help? Fine. He needs some kind
of closure or reassurance that this isn't the end." She shook her head and
looked up at the ceiling in exasperation. "You'll lose him forever,
T."

"And what if I stay, huh? What if I stay and Jessi ends
up sleeping with some other guy? Then what, Benny? It will be worse." I
took a deep breath and looked into her big blue eyes, pleading with me to pull
my head out of my ass and see what she saw. "Worse for both of us, but
Charlie would be devastated. I can't do that to him."

"So running away and not giving it a chance is the
answer?"

"I'm not running away, I'm making a decision that's
best for everyone."

"You're making a decision that's
easiest
for
you
!"

"It's
not fucking easy!
" I screamed, my
hands shaking as I pushed away from the counter. "It's the hardest
decision I've ever made! You think that
I
think leaving him is going to
make everything all hunky dory? It's not. Just being away from him for the last
little while has torn me up inside, but I don't have a choice. At least, not
one that will end well for both of us. I'm making the choice that will end well
for
him.
"

"And why would you do that?" she whispered.

"Because I can only live with myself if
he
is
happy. And he will be. Eventually."

She stepped toward me, just inches in front of me, grabbed
my upper arms and held me in place, obviously resisting the urge to shake me.
Her eyes were misty and she didn't look like the carefree, do-it-yourself Benny
I had come to know. She looked hurt.

"Eventually, Tess?" Her voice broke on my name and
I held my breath. This wasn't the norm. She didn't get emotional, ever.
"Eventually doesn't happen in real life. It doesn't happen in fairytales
and it doesn't happen in romance books. Eventually means 'the end'. And
eventually,
you'll see that taking that choice from him… it will be the biggest mistake
you ever made."

For once, I hadn't started crying after having a heart to
heart with my best friend. The look on her faced terrified me. "So… let it
happen? The same thing you've been telling me since I came back."

"No, T. You can't
let
it happen anymore. You
need to
make
it happen. Take control of your life."

I shook my head and started to remind her that I had no
control over the alters and that I never would, it just couldn't happen, but
she continued to speak before I could get a word out.

"You don't have control right now?
Take it
! You
know exactly what you need to do. Accept it, embrace it."

"I already have."

"No you haven't. If you already had, we wouldn't be
having this conversation and you wouldn't be leaving the only man you've ever
loved just because some French broad got in the way." She released me and
took a step back, running her hand through the mess of blonde curls on top of
her head. Her eyes flickered with the mischief she was known for. "The
Tessa Marshall I know can keep a bitch in line if she poses a threat. Plus,
Liddy and Cam got your back."

The corners of my lips twitched, fighting a smile that I
knew would push through, eventually.

"Now, before you dive back into that head maze of
yours, I have an idea," she said with a smile. "You may not like it,
but just hear me out."

Now, I was sitting on Charlie's lap, kissing him like my
life depended on it, which it did. So far, he had been incredible in taking
things into his own hands and finding ways to be with me. Now, I needed him to
take it a little farther because the problem wasn't Jessi. The problem was
Charlie. I know he would do anything for me, but this was a long shot. A long
shot for both of us, but I had come to accept that this was the only way for
both of us to be happy. I shifted on his lap and he groaned and moved my legs
to either side of him so I was straddling him.

"Tess, baby, I need to make love to you," he
breathed against my mouth, gripping my hips and pressing himself against me.

"Promise me something first," I replied on a
groan, breaking the kiss and resting my forehead against his.

He looked into my eyes, the beautiful green of his, dark and
glazed. Right where I needed him.

"Anything," he moaned.

***

"How do you expect me to do that, Tess? It doesn't
really feel right."

I kissed him softly and held his head between my hands so he
couldn't turn away from me and break eye contact. He needed to know how
important this was to me.

After my chat with Benny and a quick stop at Dr. Geoffrey's
to confirm that this was a plausible idea, I felt like the only choices I had
were to leave or do this, and since I didn't really want to leave Charlie, this
was the option I went with.

"But Tess--"

I covered his mouth with my finger and he let out a sigh.
Tracing the lines of his face with my index finger, I locked into memory every
tiny scar - including the newest one that was healing nicely above his eyebrow
- every shape, and the feel of his skin under my fingertips.

"I know it's crazy of me to even be okay with it let
alone ask you to do this," I said softly, following the path my finger was
making, and watching his eyes slowly close in pleasure at my touch. "But
it's still me, right?"

I let my fingertip linger on his bottom lip and his tongue
darted out to taste me and pull it in for a kiss. His hand on my hips
contracted and I knew he understood what I was asking.

"I had wanted to talk to you about this before, but
never had the balls to ask what you thought. Plus, it just seemed like an
impossibility. How could I do it and still feel loyal to you?"

"I know deep in my heart that you would never be
unfaithful to me, Charlie." I kissed his parted lips and pressed my
forehead to his, gripping my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.
"But they need
your
love just as much as you need
theirs
.
And it is still me. Like you have always said. Just… a different side of me
that shows up in a… not so conventional way."

I smiled at him, attempting to ease the idea in a way that
would make it more amusing than ludicrous. He grinned at me, but it was
cautious. And why wouldn't it be? I had just asked my boyfriend to try to love
each individual alter the way he loves me, but not just that, I had asked him
to make love to each one when the opportunity arose. He had told me that he
already loved them in his own way, because they were me. I had asked him to try
and love each one for
her
.

Was I sick and twisted? No.

Was I slightly crazy? Maybe, but I had to be.

"And what if they don't want to? What if they freak out
and end up leaving because they think I forced myself on them or used
them?"

Good questions, but questions I had the answers to, thanks
to Benny.

"If they love you, wanting to won't be a problem. It
will take time for them to realize that you truly love them, if that is
something you will be able to accomplish. I know it's crazy, Charlie, but it's
the only way that all of them will be on board." I took a deep breath and
steeled myself to give him the ultimatum. It was cruel and manipulative, but it
was the only way.

"If they freak out and end up leaving, then it will be
for the best. Before I came over, my plan was to go back to Boston."

He stiffened and gripped me tighter, his eyes going wild and
his expression turning into something that I never wanted to see on his face.
Hopelessness.

"Baby, I'm not going anywhere. Not unless we both agree
on it," I said firmly.

He relaxed and looked down at the front of my shirt. I saw
his lips twitch, fighting back a smile, before he could hide it from me.

"What's so funny?"

He looked back up at me, smiling so brightly, I was sure the
strength of it was brighter than the sun. "Not funny. Just… that's the
first time you have called me anything other than my name. Baby."

I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion for a moment before he
sat up straight and kissed me quick and hard.

"I
really
, really like it."

I was stunned into silence. Had he been in the same
conversation with me? Of all the things to focus on,
that
was what he
heard.

"I know you won't leave, Tess. I won't let you. So I'm
not worried about that." He raised a hand and tucked a lock of hair behind
my ear, still grinning. "I'm just glad you didn't disappear again."

I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. It felt good to
be on the same page and it felt good to have a plan. He still hadn't exactly
agreed to it, but I was open to suggestions.