Every Soul (12 page)

“How are you feeling about doing this?” she asks.

“I really just wanna get it done with.”

“If it’s easier, I can take the pictures for you,” she offers reaching down and intertwining our hands.

Glancing down for a brief moment, I stare at our hands, the gesture catching me off guard. “It’s okay, we’ll do it together,” I respond and squeeze her fingers.

For the rest of the ride, we sit in silence. Our hands rest comfortably on my lap and I thank God Arion came with me. Anxiety fills my body, thinking about what we’re about to do. Finally we pull up to the house. It looks just like I remember and is still for sale. I’ve been here once, and it took everything I had, just to drive by, so I know getting out and walking around is going to be hard. Looking at the house as I put the car in park, I try to make sense of why it happened here. I’m baffled.

“Is this it?” she asks.

“Uh-huh.”

“Why did she come here?”

“I wonder the same thing every day. Other than the fact that it’s vacant, I have no idea.”

“Jesus, Bain, I can’t imagine what she must’ve gone through in her mind.”

“Me neither.” Her words give me a flash of Kinsey and I envision her pulling into the garage after breaking into the house. Using the new garden hose she’d just purchased and…I can’t go there.

“Ready?” she asks.

“I guess.” She opens her door and I take a deep breath then do the same. I flip the hood up on my hoodie and hop out of the car. Arion is at my side before I can look and see where she is.

“Wanna take one from here of the front of the house?” she asks.

I take out my cell phone and snap the picture, getting the full view of the entire house.
Just move fast.
It’s tall and modern with dark wood wrapped around it. We proceed to walk around. The garage is opposite us and I don’t think I can bring myself to go all the way around or to take any pictures of it.

I continue snapping pictures as quick as I can, neither of us saying a word, just completing the task that we came here to do. We make fast work of the job and suddenly without warning we move around to the garage – I freeze. “What?” she asks.

“I…I don’t think…”

“It’s fine, I understand. Do you want me to finish?” she asks.

“Sure, just take whatever else you think, I’ll be in the car.” I respond, walking away with my head hung low. I feel bad for leaving her, but my breathing is heavy and in that moment, my world spirals out of control. I know I’ve seen it before, but for some reason, today, standing in front of that garage, it hits me hard. This is where she killed herself. That is the place where she took her last breath. Once I’m sitting in my car, I rest my head back and close my eyes.

Small breaths are a struggle, but I push them out. I have to. I do my best to stay calm. I don’t want to freak out in front of Arion. In that moment, the only thing I know to do is to pop a few pills, but I don’t want to in front of her, so I seize the opportunity while I’m alone, opening my console and grabbing a few Xanax, relishing in the flavor on my tongue.

Arion gets in and gives me a slight smile, then holds my hand. I can’t sit here in front of this house for another second.

“Jesus, I can’t wait for you to be home,” I tell Bain as I leave school and drive back to the house.

“I know. I miss being there, too. Especially mom’s cooking and just being able to relax.”

“You don’t get a lot of that anymore, do you?”

“Are you kidding me? I’m about to join the NBA, Kins; things here are insane. Every game is flooded with NBA scouts and reporters. Our coach pushes us to play every game like it’s our last.”

“Well, I know all the hard work is going to pay off. I can’t wait to see you get drafted and to come to all your games. You know I’m going to be your number one fan.”

“I know and I’m grateful for your support. Listen, I don’t have long before practice, but I wanted to call you after I got your text. What’s up?”

“Well, I wanted to get Mom a really nice gift, but I’m confused about what she’d like. I mean, what do you buy the woman who has everything?”

“Did you ask Dad?”

I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, he said ‘ask your brother.’”

“Of course he did. What about a weekend getaway for the two of them, like to Napa or something?”

“That’s a great idea! Mom’s always saying how she misses California. Maybe she could visit Aunt Patti when she’s there, too?” I tell Bain.

“It sounds like a great idea to me. Why don’t you look into booking it and let me know if you want to bounce any more ideas around? I gotta run though, we have practice.”

I hang up with my brother, just before telling him about my date with Anthony tonight. I don’t know what I was thinking. Bain’s so protective over me; he would never understand why I am going out with a teacher. Pulling up to the house, my dad is in the garage.

I head towards him rather than going inside. “Hey, kid,” he says, with a smile from ear to ear.

“Hey, Dad. What are you doing?”

“Just cleaning out the car before I head out of town.”

“Where are you going?”

“Philly.”

“Nice, at least you can drive.”

“That’s the truth.”

“Where’s mom?”

“She went to have drinks with some of the girls.”

“Oh good. So I just talked to Bain about what to get her and he gave me the best idea ever. You still have her birthday week off of work right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I can’t tell you, silly. This is for both of you guys.”

“Kinsey, you know I hate surprises,” he says in a firm tone.

“As do I and you always make me deal with them.” I walk off with my dad begging for more details, but I ignore him.

“So you’re dating him,” Aubrey accuses me.

“Hell no. Why would you even say that?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you haven’t been home much this past week.”

I glare at her. “Aubrey, I was gone for the weekend. That’s far from a week. We’ve just chilled together.”

“Well, it sure as hell feels like there’s more going on here.”

I get off the couch to refill my water bottle, honestly wanting to ignore her. “You can deny all you want, but let me ask you this. Why’s this guy so different? I haven’t seen you act like this since Nate.”

“He’s no different than Brady or anyone else. But he’s been through some really fucked up shit, so I’ve been trying to be there for him, and in the process he’s turned out to be a really good friend.”

“You just met him.”

“What’s that matter?”

“Is he your friend or do you fuck?”

“Seriously, Aubrey, what’s your fucking problem? Yeah, we fuck, you know that’s how I am. He’s also a friend. Is that a bad thing?”

She shakes her head, “No, it’s not, I’m just worried about you and trying to figure out why he’s got your head so twisted.”

“Dude, I appreciate your concern, but…” I trail off and decide to head out for a run rather than start an argument with her. She’s only trying to understand things. Plus, I feel Nate pulling me to our spot. Maybe if I go there, I’ll get some answers on how to handle all of this. I know arguing with Aubrey isn’t going to help anything.

I appreciate her concern, I really do, but I need to figure out what’s inside my own head, myself.

“I’m gonna go for a run. Can we talk later?”

“Of course. I don’t want you to be mad at me. I just care about you.”

“I know and I appreciate that. I’ll be back soon.” I give her a hug, then head into my room, putting on a tight pair of black leggings, a hoodie, and my running shoes. Aubrey’s not in the living room when I leave, so I grab my cell phone and bolt. The air is crisp and the sky is gray. It looks like we might get some rain today. I know running in this weather will burn my lungs, but it’ll also take the pain away. We live just a few blocks from the beach and within a few minutes, the pavement beneath my feet changes to sand. I make my way down towards the water, the familiar sound soothing me. The waves are light, but still crash against the shore. My legs pick up speed, taking me on the long journey to my final destination – my spot with Nate. The place where he asked me to marry him, we never had that dream come true as he was deployed quicker than we expected.

For some reason, it’s hard to clear my mind today. Normally a good run is just what I need, but instead, all I hear are Bain and Aubrey’s voices swirling in my head.
So you’re dating him? Christ, you’re beautiful.

I don’t even know how to comprehend these two statements. They have my mind on a tilt and spinning in a way I’ve never experienced. Then automatically, all my stress washes away the moment my phone rings and I see it’s Bain calling. For some reason, he has that effect on me. I inhale deeply, trying to calm my breathing, but it’s useless. Breathlessly, I answer, “Hey you.”

“Hey to you. How are you?”

“I’m all right.”

“What’s wrong? You sound out of breath.”

“I’m out on a run.”

“Arion, are you kidding me?”

“What?” I ask confused.

“There’s a goddamn storm on the way.”

I realize then that it’s starting to get nasty outside. The wind around me howls and there are no other people out. “It’s not that bad,” I respond, looking into the gray sky.

“The fuck it’s not. Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”

“No, Bain, it’s fine, I can run back home.”

“Where the FUCK are you?” he yells. “Goddammit, Arion!”

“Ashbury Park,” I quickly respond, not liking his tone.

“Fuck, that’s far from your house.”

“No, it’s not, Bain. I don’t know why you’re freaking out, it’s not even raining.”

“Because it’s going to be pouring frozen rain soon and it’s windy as fuck. Where exactly are you? It won’t take me long.”

I explain to him where I am and within minutes, he arrives. Before I can open the passenger door, he leans over and opens it for me. He looks hot as fuck, dressed in a black t-shirt, his arms bulging through the material. He’s wearing dark jeans and has a soft beanie covering his hair.

“Are you all right?”

I nod my head and buckle my seatbelt. “Thank you for coming to get me.”

He turns the heat up and says, “Of course. I was in the area, so it’s no big deal.”

I can’t help, but smirk at him. “What were you doing in this area?”

He shakes his head and I don’t push the question, because inside, I’m happy that he’s here. It was starting to get cold outside and really windy, even if I want to act like it wasn’t. It’s just starting to rain outside, so if I would have made it to Nate’s and my spot, then I would have been drenched. Plus, the cold and wet run home would have been no fun.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“My house. Is that okay?”

“Yeah.” His place is perfect and I know he can clear my mind.

Bain doesn’t say much on the drive and neither do I. He knows our arrangement and clearly we are both in need of the distraction. But in the pit of my stomach, I feel like we are pushing those limits. Yes, we know the rules. Which in all honesty, when I’m around Bain, I wish I didn’t have, but sadly…I do. My past fucked me. With the rules, he should have picked me up solely to fuck, but I can sense there’s more going on with him. He’s keeping something from me and that’s why he was close to my house.

We pull up to his home and he parks in the garage. Then we head inside and the warmth engulfs me. I almost shiver with how good it feels to have my entire body warmed.

“Are you still cold?” he asks, wrapping his arms around me.

Looking into his eyes, there is genuine concern etched across his face. “I’m better now, thank you.”

“Good. Will you please not run again when it’s that crazy out?”

I nod my head and follow Bain’s lead as he walks us to the couch. We sit facing each other. He places his face in his hands and I know right then that something is truly bothering him.