Every You, Every Me (15 page)

“I’m not doing anything.”
I’m in the photos.
“Look—how can I have taken the photos? I’m in them.”

“Well, maybe she took them.”

And I knew which
she
he meant. Not the mystery girl.

You.

I could barely look at him.

“You think we did this together?” I asked.

“Jack,”
Katie cautioned.

He wouldn’t relent. “I think you’re just as bad as she is. No—maybe even worse. Because she took it all out on herself. You’re taking it out on other people. That’s definitely worse.

“I don’t know what I did to you to make you do this, Evan. Is it jealousy? Did you want to be the boyfriend? Did you hate that you couldn’t have her all to yourself? I’d almost understand that. But why now, Evan? Why bring it all up now? Does it really kill you so bad that I’m not miserable and pathetic like you? Is it really so bad that I’m getting over it and you’re not?”

“I didn’t do it.”

“And what about the other ones you put in my locker? I saw you that morning. How do you explain that?”

“I wanted you to see them. She left them on the train tracks and I—”

“Oh, yeah—you didn’t want me missing out. Maybe I’m the pathetic one, because I actually believed that.”

It’s not me. It’s not. It’s not.

“Evan,” Katie said, calmer. “We just want to know why you did it.”

“No one believes me,” you said. “No one ever believes me.”

Jack leaned down again to me. I tried to look away, but he grabbed my chin, forced me to look at him.

I don’t want to be the center of attention.

“You might think you were doing some kind of revenge,” he said, “but let me tell you—she would hate you for it. She never would have done this to any of us. Even at her worst.”

I don’t want to be the center of anything.

The second bell rang, marking the start of homeroom. I stayed slumped against the tree, pain radiating throughout my body.

“I’m through with you,” Jack said. “Do you understand? Completely through.”

I nodded, but he wasn’t even looking. He was already walking away.

“You need help,” Katie said, and the tone of her voice made it unclear whether or not she was offering it herself.

“I didn’t do it,” I said. “That’s what she wants you to think.”

“She’s gone, Evan.”

But I wasn’t talking about you.

I was talking about your avenger.

20A

I had to find her. My only way out was to find her.

20B

It’s you. You deserve this. There is a reason this is happening to you.

20C

I didn’t go to homeroom. I didn’t go to class.

I walked through the halls.

Looking for her.

20D

“You’re not going to find me,” you said. “You’ll never find me.”

No. Not
said.
Not past tense.

You were saying it now.

20E

If she submitted that photo to the literary magazine as a way of trapping me If she broke into my locker If she could follow me so closely … she had to be somewhere in this school.

if if if if

“Only thing is, she doesn’t exist.”

Stop it, Jack. You don’t know.

20F

During first period, I went to my own locker.

There was something waiting for me.

“Who are you?
” I screamed.
are you doing this to me?
WHY
are you doing this to me?

There was no
response
note, no time to meet her, no hint at where to go.

20G

If it had been you, people would have noticed. People would all be talking about you coming back.

20H

I checked my email.

     
this is it.

     
this is what it feels like to be helpless.

20I

I peered into every classroom. I didn’t care which teachers saw me.

You deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve this.

“Take my picture,” you said.

So I lined up the old camera.

“Is there film in this?” I asked.

Fiona found me between third and fourth periods.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I said. How could I begin to tell her?

“Evan—” She put her hand on my shoulder. Or tried to.

I ducked away. “It’s nothing, Fiona.”

I am not the center of attention.

“You can’t …”

“What, Fiona? What can’t I do?”

“You can’t do this alone.”

“You know what?” I said. “I’ve been doing it alone ever since they took Ariel away.”

away    gone      exiled      over

“What do you mean?” Fiona asked, too much concern in her voice. I couldn’t take it.

“I don’t have to explain!” I shouted, pulling away from her.

I am not the center of anything.

20J

The avenger had to eat lunch, and since there was only one hallway leading to the cafeteria, I stationed myself there for all the lunch periods. She had been at school this morning to put the photo in Jack’s locker. She had to be here now.

People noticed me sitting in the hallway. I had a book open, to pretend to be studying. But really I was studying them. All the patterns that you found incomprehensible. All the patterns that overwhelmed you. You thought they spelled the Truth. And I’d believed you,
far longer than I should have
.

Red shirt. Blue shirt. White shirt. Black shirt.

First lunch period came: nothing.

Blue shirt. White shirt. Black shirt. Black shirt. Blue shirt.

Second lunch period came: When I saw Jack, Katie, and Fiona, I looked down, hoped they didn’t see me. The only person who said hello was Charlie, and I figured Katie hadn’t told him anything.

Pink shirt. White shirt. Yellow and green stripes. Black shirt. Black shirt.

Third lunch period. I was hungry. This was my last chance, and I hadn’t seen her yet. Still, I had to eat. I went into the cafeteria and it was so strange—I’d always had second lunch, so it was like they had taken all the people I knew from the cafeteria and switched them with strangers. All the wrong faces were at all the right tables. I scanned around, acting like I was looking for a place to sit, but really looking for her.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I know she exists. Like I exist. Like Ariel exists somewhere.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I finished my lunch.

Nothing.

Put my tray away.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Went back into the hallway.

Looked at all the people leaving.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And then

21

There she was.

It had to be her.

21A

She was walking alone. But there were too many people around. I couldn’t just stop her with all these people around.

I was sure it was her.

It had to be her.

I followed her away from the cafeteria. To her locker, in a corridor far from mine, far from Jack’s. She put down her backpack. She was spinning the combination.

I didn’t know what I was going to say. I walked right up to her. She turned to look at me.

It was her. It had to be her.

“It’s you,” I said.

“Excuse me?” she replied. She didn’t look exactly the same, but she looked the same enough. She was chewing gum. She didn’t seem to know me.

“You’re the one who’s been sending us the photos,” I said.

She looked at me like she didn’t know what I was talking about.

“I think you have the wrong girl,” she said. She opened her locker.

“Why are you doing it?” I asked.

She looked back at me, annoyed.

“Doing what?”

“The photos.”

“
What
photos?”

She doesn’t know.

She knows.

“Stop it,” I said. “I know who you are.”

It has to be her.

“Look, freak,” she said, getting mad now, “I have to go to class. I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else. Because I have no idea what you’re saying.”

It’s her, right?

“Ariel,” I said.

She shook her head. “I’m afraid I’m not Ariel. Sorry.”

She was taking a book from her locker. She was closing the locker. She was going to go. She was going to vanish again.

“No—stop,” I said.

It has to be her.

“Are you crazy?”

A girl in the cafeteria. “You must be crazy, too.”

I didn’t know what I was doing. But I felt I needed to do it.

I grabbed her backpack and started to run.

22

“Hey!” she yelled.

I ran.

“I don’t need your help!” you screamed.

I ran.

“You’re against me! Both of you—you’re against me.”

I passed Jack and Katie talking in the hall.

“I’ll kill myself. I swear, I’ll kill myself,” you threatened.

I was sure she was running after me.

“We’re not going to leave you alone,” I said.

She had to be running after me.

I am not the center of anything.

I imagined all the cameras taking pictures of me. Capturing me as I ran. Capturing me, but not catching me.

I imagined her behind the camera, smiling.

Out of the school.

Out into the air.

“That’s the question, isn’t it?” you said one night. “Does death bring freedom, or is it the end of freedom?”

Right into the woods.

Farther.

Farther.

Back to where it happened.

Back.

Back.

Hearing them behind me.

Running out of breath.