Facade (16 page)

No one knew about the words that live in my head, begging to spill on paper. About
The Count
or the bruises or the cries from Mom that will never find their way out of the maze inside my mind. They didn’t know that there were times I needed to disappear… to run before the loneliness inside me threatened to fucking eat me alive. Even the people in my life now, Colt and Cheyenne, they only know the Adrian I want them to. It’s crazy how being alone with people can sometimes feel emptier than being alone on your own.

But now this girl is here. She’s beside me as my hands tighten on the steering wheel, because I don’t know what else to do with them. After I called my sister, didn’t speak, and then hung up when she said my name, Delaney’s seeing me run. That’s one of the many things that are mine. That I keep locked inside me because they’re weak and I don’t want anyone to see how fucking weak I really am.

I don’t want her or anyone else to see those parts of me… but I’m also glad she’s here. There are a million and one different reasons I don’t want to dissect that, but it’s hard to turn off my brain sometimes. “I’m not going to have to worry about your brother putting a fucking APB out on us or something, am I?” Talking is better than thinking. I have more control over what comes out of my mouth than what goes on inside my head.

The little ghost laughs. “Honestly? Maybe. No, he won’t go to the cops. Can’t since I’m eighteen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks he can hunt me down himself.”

I think about Angel and what I would have done if she took off with some guy. I can’t blame him. “That’s cool…”

Another laugh. She’s nervous. Not scared, I don’t think, but unsure.

“If you say so. He has this hero complex. Maddy thinks he has to take responsibility for everything—or at least me. Ever since…”

Her words die off. Sadness bleeds into her features, her eyes looking down. I don’t like to see the look there. She’s too fucking beautiful to be so tortured.

“He lets you call him that?
Maddy
?”

My question seems to chase some of the sadness away. It feels good, being a bodyguard against her ghosts. I’m shocked when her hand smacks my arm.

“Don’t even!” she says. “There’s nothing wrong with calling him that, though I know he agrees with you on that one. Didn’t your sister—I mean, if you have one—didn’t she ever have a nickname for you?”

The question brings back the past I try too hard to forget.

“What were you thinking, Shakespeare?! You are supposed to get out of here. That’s why I took you in—so you could have a life!”

“I know. I fucked up. Don’t you think I know that?”

I don’t know why a memory of Angel being mad at me is what I pull out. Hell, it’s one of the only times I think Angel ever really got mad at me. My brain shuts down before I go any deeper into that train of thought.

“Nah,” I tell Laney. “I only have one sister and we weren’t really that close.” The words sting my tongue, making me feel like shit because she’s the only person in my life besides Ash who ever loved me.

“Oh.” She looks at me, the sadness creeping in again. “That’s too bad… I don’t know what I would do without Maddox. I bet your sister feels the same way about you.”

The way she says it, the sureness in her voice makes me want to believe her, but I can’t. Not when I’ve done nothing but fuck things up and cause pain. “Maybe once, Little Ghost, but not anymore.”

I flinch slightly when she reaches over and grabs the hand I let fall from the steering wheel. She holds it lightly at first, and then with strength. I’ve never held hands with a girl in my life. It’s not really my thing but I let her hold mine. Eventually, I even squeeze back.

* * *

We drive until around six, until my life feels far enough behind me to muffle the voices inside.

It’s already dark outside and the temperatures are dropping. “Wanna find a room?” I ask her. It’s not what I usually do. Usually I drive, sleep in my car or stay up all night, but I won’t do that with her. She deserves to be in a bed somewhere tonight.

“Sure.”

I don’t even know the name of the town sitting off the freeway. It’s here when I need it, so I take the next exit. “What about food? You need to eat?” I probably should have thought of that earlier, but I’m not used to being with anyone else on these little trips.

“It’s the only cure I’ve found to quiet my stomach growling.”

I laugh. “Smart-ass. You should have told me you were hungry. I would have stopped.”

In the dark, I see her head turn toward me, then back to the window. “It felt good to drive. I didn’t want to stop either.”

There’s a strange sort of magic to her voice, that finds all the cracks, all the slivers in my armor and works its way through. I want her out, want to get her out of my system any way I can. To purge until she’s gone if I have to, but… fuck if I don’t like having her in there too. If I don’t want to binge on her until there’s nothing else there because the storm inside me doesn’t feel as fierce when that magic in her voice speaks to me.

I probably should, but I don’t reply to what she said. “Where do you want to eat? I’m not sure how many options there are.” A few places are scattered around, a Denny’s, pizza, China House, and a few local places. “There’s probably more if we drive around, but I wouldn’t want to be blamed for starving you all day.”

I wink and then remember she can’t see me. Christ. What the hell is wrong with me?

“We could just find our room, if you want. It looks cold outside. I’m sure we can order something.”

I want nothing more than to get her to a hotel. Want to finish what we started the other night. I tell myself it’s because ever since I met her, I haven’t touched another girl. My fingers itch to explore her body. My tongue wants to taste her again. I tell myself it has nothing to do with it being her. I need it to be true.

“You know I still want you, right? That if we’re going to be alone in a room all night, I’m going to want to do more than taste you this time.” Sex is one of the few things in my life I’m completely honest about. I can pretend to be a good guy, pretend I’m not going to want her, since I know that’s all I’ll give her, but we both know who I am. Or she knows as best as she can.

I stop at a red light, the glow enough so we can see each other. It’s one of the few times I can’t really make out what she’s thinking. There’s a lot going on behind those shadowed eyes of hers, but I don’t know what it is. Or maybe I don’t want to know.

“If… if I didn’t want you, too, I wouldn’t be here.” Her chin juts out and damned if I’m not proud of her. Innocence radiates from Delaney. She tries to hide it under a mask, but it’s always there, peeking out from behind her words and reminding me how different we are. But just now, she owned what she said. It turns me on, turns me inside out in a way I don’t want to think about.

“Good to know.” This time when I wink at her, she can see me. A honk comes from behind me and I pull away, pretending she’s not fucking with my head.

It doesn’t take us long to find a hotel. It’s not the best place, but it’s also not a piece of shit either.

We get out of the car and grab our bags. When we get inside, Delaney says, “I need to run to the rest room real quick. Here…” She starts to dig in her purse.

“I got it, Little Ghost. You’re here because of me.” Before she can reply to that, I walk up to the counter. The guy working there can’t be much older than Delaney. Probably eighteen, maybe nineteen if he’s lucky. Not that at twenty-two I’m that much older than either of them, but I think the little ghost and I have seen a lot more than this kid probably has. I eye him as he watches her walk away. I know her jeans are hugging her ass because I saw them earlier. I get why he’s staring, but he needs to stop.

“Something interesting, man?” Not that it’s any of my business.

“My bad.” He doesn’t look at me when he asks about the room.

I open my mouth to tell him a single king room, but then all sorts of thoughts that aren’t usually in my head start to slip in. She isn’t like other girls and I don’t want to push her, no matter what I said earlier. And what if she needs space or something like that?

“Just gimme two queens.” I give him my card and get it back with the keys a few seconds later. I turn around to see Delaney sitting next to a little girl in the lobby. She’s helping her tie her shoe, while the mom is corralling another kid.

Ashton would have been about this little girl’s age. As soon as I think about it, I see his brown eyes and think about the shirt in my bag that I usually keep under my pillow. Red clouds my vision. Blood. So much fucking blood. Suddenly I’m pissed. Or maybe it’s hurt that’s clawing its way into my chest. I don’t know, but whatever it is, I want to evict it. I’m so fucking tired of feeling this way, but should I have a choice?

Ashton didn’t have one…

I watch Delaney smile at the girl. Watch as the mom says thank you and Delaney replies. And when she turns to look at me, the feeling in my chest multiplies. It’s like she has her heart in her hand and it’s broken. She’s holding it out and showing me all the little pieces. Or maybe it’s my heart. Just another thing I don’t know. The only thing that’s clear is she looks sad, like she can read my emotions and somehow knows I’m wrecked. It feels good to have someone see it, to have someone really get something in me, but I want to hide it from her too. Hide it because I can’t handle the idea of anyone knowing.

“Got the room?” Slowly she walks toward me. Instead of replying, I hold up the key cards and head back outside to take the stairs to our room. We’re silent as we make our way upstairs. I hold the door open for her as she walks in, letting it close behind us.

“Two beds?” She sets her bag down.

The urge to smile tries to fight its way through. “It’s all they had.” We both know it’s a bullshit lie.

She turns around to look at me. “I’m going to take a shower.”

It’s her way of giving me space. This girl is fucking incredible. “Thanks. What do you want to eat? I’ll go get it and come back.”

We decide on pizza. I jump in the car and head to the restaurant I saw on the way in. The whole time I’m thinking about her. I see her with the little girl, but that’s only a second of it. I think about how she just let me off the hook. People give me shit about being psychic, but it’s her who’s the reader. At least when it comes to me. No one else would have known I wanted space like that.

While I’m waiting for the food, I don’t know what makes me do it, but I pull my cell out of my pocket and call Colt. We don’t do conversations for no reason, so when he picks up, the first thing he says is, “I’m with my girl. I’m not partying tonight.”

“I’m not even in town, man.”

“Where is he?” Cheyenne asks, which tells me she’s sitting close enough to Colt to hear everything I’m saying.

Fuck. Why the hell did I call him? “I don’t know. Some town a few hours away… with Delaney.”

There’s a rustling sound like Colt’s covering the phone with his hand. I hear him tell Cheyenne, “I’ll be right back, Tiny Dancer.” More moving around and then the sound of a door closing. Maybe I’m not as unreadable as I thought because Colt knows I wouldn’t want to talk around Cheyenne. Not that I have anything to really say, but still, he knows.

“I remember sitting around that little fucking table in your kitchen not too long ago when you told me I was different with Chey. I thought you were fucking crazy. Or maybe I didn’t and I was just too big of a pussy to admit it, but you still told me.”

“Is this where you pretend to return the favor? I’m not you, man. I can’t.” I shut my words down there, not willing to go any farther. What am I supposed to say? That I run away from everyone because I can’t handle shit? That I let a helpless little boy die because I only think of myself? Not going to happen.

“Fuck that. It doesn’t matter. You think I was the type to fall for someone before Chey? No matter how much you might want to, you can’t control that.”

Yes, I can.

“The fact that you’re away with her now… hell, the fact that you’re calling me about this proves it.”

Can I?

“Listen, bro, I’m standing outside freezing my balls off while I’m talking to you. Then I’m going to turn around and walk back into my apartment. I’m going to crawl into bed with a beautiful fucking woman. I’m going to make love to her and then I’m going to talk to her and she’ll make me laugh and then we’ll probably get into an argument and then we’ll do it again. When the worst shit in my life was happening, I had that girl with me. She never left me even though I probably didn’t deserve her. I’ve never had something like that and let me tell you, it’s fucking incredible. Way better than that other shit. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Delaney, but don’t be a pussy. Don’t fuck it up before it has a chance to happen.” The line goes dead. Not that I’m surprised. That’s Colt.

I twist my phone around in my hand as I think about what he said. For once, I want to do it. Just let go and not in the helpless, I-don’t-give-a-shit way, but forget the past, even if it’s only for a little while.

She dropped everything to come with me. She took care of my hand and kissed my eye and talks to me and has read my words. She’s gorgeous. And I left her in the room, naked and under the spray of a shower while I pretend to mentally check out, like I always do. When really, my mind is always,
always
going. Even if it’s for this night I want some peace.

They call our order. I grab it and speed my ass back to the room. I needed space this weekend, to clear my head, and I have the chance for even more than that sitting in the room waiting for me. I’m not talking about sex either. That night in the car and then in her room, I definitely enjoyed her body, but it was the first time in a long time I’ve really talked to anyone.

I want to talk to someone. No, not just someone—I want to talk to
her
.

Not about Ashton or Angel. I can’t go there, but fuck if I don’t want to open my mouth and say something. Tonight I’m going to wear someone else’s life and try to make myself believe things are different.