Fake Boyfriend (33 page)

"Thank
you, Lucinda." William nods, ushering us all to the dining room.
Ruxin and I sit next to each other with Cindy across from us and
William and Susan at each end of the table.  Butternut squash
soup is the first course and its brought out to us. We eat in
silence looking around the table and avoiding eye contact. The
awkward silence as we all struggle to think of something to say is
uncomfortable. Well it seems uncomfortable to all of us but Ruxin
who is eating his soup, perfectly content.

William
clears his throat and I look down the table at him. "I never
like assuming anything. So, I have to ask. Are the two really back
together? Eva?"

"We're-"

"Like I
said earlier, we were never broken up. That was just gossip because
Eva left London." Ruxin speaks up.

"I wasn't
listening to the gossip, I was told." William replies, sternly.
Williams distaste for Ruxin has never been displayed, but I fear
that its starting to. My eyes meet Williams inquiring ones and he
lifts an eyebrow.

"We're
trying to work it out." I state simply, not wanting to talk about
anything with Susan and Cindy at the table.

"You're
not wearing your engagement ring." Susan observes, looking at my
bare left hand.

"No, I'm
not." I state. Not explaining any further.

"Well, is
the wedding off?" Cindy questions, sounding irritated with my lack
of explanation.

I'm about
to say, 'Yes'. When Ruxin responds before I can, "No, the wedding
is still going to happen. Although, it won't be as soon as I would
have hoped. Eva, wants to wait seven months."

I can
feel my cheeks warming, not from embarrassment but anger. We
haven't even talked about it again. He's assuming our earlier
agreement still stands. Does it? I'm not sure it does. He's the one
that made the deal then changed his mind.

"Or
longer. Maybe a year or two." I add, refusing to look at
Ruxin.

Sensing
Ruxin's mood change before he says anything, I shift in my
seat. "I'm not waiting longer then seven months." He states,
leaning towards me.

"So,
don't." I shrug. If he doesn't want to wait he can find anyone
else. Same argument, different day.

"We
agreed." He states, clearly unhappy with my response.

"We did.
Then you went behind my back and planned the wedding anyway. The
agreement is over." I say, not wanting to sound harsh but
failing.

"I don't
understand why you're pushing back the date. Are you punishing me
for going behind your back, or are you doing it because you don't
know if you want to marry me anymore?" He questions.

I start
thinking about what he's asking, am I doing this out of punishment?
Or do I want to know for sure that he's going to change? That he
won't disregard my feelings or opinions again. He say's he won't,
that he can be better. Do I believe him? Can someone like Ruxin
really change? Is that even the issue?

I look up
at him, meeting his hard eyes. We stare at each other and I see
he's hurt by my confusion. He stands up slowly and I watch him
as he leaves the room. I get out of my seat following
after him. I catch up to him at the door. "Ruxin?"

"I'm
leaving. I'm going back to London." He says, coldly.

"Okay." I
say, cautiously. "Why?"

"There's
nothing keeping me here. I understand that I messed up, but I
didn't think it would change your opinion of me or that you'd love
me less."

"I don't
love you less, Ruxin. I just want to be sure you won't ever do that
to me again. You can't walk all over me, I won't let you." I say,
firmly.

"That was
never my intention, Angel." He replies, sadly. His fingers brush my
cheek. "I just wanted you to be mine, forever."

I nod to
him, understanding his reasoning. However, I still need time. I
won't be rushed into anything else.

"You know
I came here thinking I could never let you go. That no matter what
we'd be together. I realize now how stupid I was thinking that.
It's not up to me, I may never let you go, but holding on to you
won't keep you with me. You deserve so much more then I can
comprehend or give. Goodbye, Eva." He says, walking out the door
and closing it silently behind him. I stand there, watching the
door as my heart breaks again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruxin Novak

Three weeks late
r

I turn
off my computer screen, done with work for the day. I've been back
from London for five days and I'm already feeling the choking
sensation from the media coverage. I've gone so far as to cut out
all public appearances, which has only added fuel to the media
fire. I've assigned Dave and two other security men to protect Eva
against any hassles with the paparazzi. I know she's doing exactly
what I'm doing and staying at her apartment. Everyone wants to know
what happened with our relationship and both of us aren't talking
or confirming any rumors.

I had
hoped I could be enough for, Eva. I hoped she would get to know me
and that she would come to understand me. She did know me in many
ways, more so then anyone else. However, you can't pick and choose
what qualities you want in a lover and ignore the rest. In the end,
my insecurities lead me and my controlling nature to
self-destruction and I did the only thing I could do for the women
I love. I walked away.

I thought
waking away from Eva would be hard. I was wrong, it wasn't. I love
her too much to keep her, I'm simply not good enough. I thought it
would hurt. I was wrong it was so much more then being hurt. It
was a piercing pain, more painful then anything I've ever
experienced. I thought the pain would lessen. I was wrong, again.
The pain has gotten worse.

I lean
back in my office chair looking at the twin Tiffany boxes in front
of me. I can't stomach the thought of our wedding rings being
returned, but I don't have the balls to open the boxes either. I
miss her everyday, all day. I don't think there's a time that she
leaves my thoughts.

My phone
rings and I pick up the receiver. "Novak."

"Why
don't you come for dinner tonight?" My mom voice, asks.
"I'm working late tonight." I lie easily. I don't want company,
even that of my family. It will only serve to remind me of my
failure with Eva.

"Ruxin,
you can't isolate yourself like this. Its not healthy." She states,
sadly.

"Maybe
next week, mother. Right, now I can't do it." I state, knowing
she'll understand.

"Promise
me next week."

"Mother-"
I start to refuse.

"Promise
me or I'm bringing everyone over to your place." She warns,
seriously.

"I
promise." I reply, giving in. I know my mother well and she always
delivers on a threat. She is silent for a few seconds which gets me
instantly suspicious. "What did you do?"

"Oh,
Ruxin. I didn't do anything." She responds, but I hear her
nervousness.

"Mother."
I warn.

"Okay,
fine. You know I can never keep anyth-"

"Mom!"

"I called
Eva." She spits out quickly. With my free hand I squeeze the bridge
of my nose. Why did she have to say her name? Thinking of her name
doesn't hurt as much as hearing it out loud. "I called her because
I think she is having a hard time too. Every time I see her on the
television she looks so sad and I think she's lost
weight."

I don't
respond. I have seen the talk show clips discussing our
relationship. I know she's lost weight and looks as though she
hasn't slept in days. Not all of it has to do with me, I know its
the media as well. She's unhappy with everything, that much is
obvious, I wish they'd just leave her be. Maybe if I offered to pay
for her to vacation somewhere private and isolated she'd accept?
I'll look at properties to buy that I can send her to. What am I
doing? She won't want anything from me. She's probably wishing she
never met me.

Eva
Thorpe

I hate
Ruxin Novak. Its been weeks. I know he doesn't want to be with me
and wait for me to make up my mind about him, but does he have to
look so perfect. He doesn't look hurt or upset about anything.
Meanwhile, I'm missing him so much I get physically sick. Every
time I see him on the television or hear his name my stomach flips.
I have lost over 9 pounds in three weeks, I'm seeing the doctor
tomorrow hoping to get an strong anti-nausea
prescription.

I haven't
left the apartment for the past week. After showing up to work
with a white face and shacking body, Esmeralda advised me to stay
home until the press dies down. I don't want her business to be
affected by Ruxin's and my break up, so I've stayed home
choosing to wallow in my misery.

I don't
know how much longer I can stay in New York. I know
Ruxin won't be calling me anytime soon and I don't blame
him. I couldn't explain to the man I love that I do love him. I
wasn't intending to punish him for what he did, but in a way I
was. My lack of trust in him was too strong.

Top of
Form

Bottom
of Form

I have
never felt doubted by Ruxin or made to feel like he didn't know or
accept me. Its like he always knew me, like he'd memorized
every part of me. Yet, I never gotten to know all of him.
I don't think I tried very hard. I even fought
myself on trying to understand him. I constantly doubted his
feelings for me and made him insecure. When his insecurities made
him doubt our relationship he acted out of love, he didn't
want to lose me. Yet, I made him pay for that too.

I didn't
just doubt Ruxin, I doubted myself and our whole relationship.
I didn't take anything at face value and was afraid to look deeper.
I let fear of moving forward and building a loving relationship
with him interfere and I know why. I witnessed first hand
what my mother went through with my father. She loved once and
only once. As much as I loved her I didn't want to make the
same mistake. I didn't want to lose like she did. I didn't
want to give my heart to a man only to have it ripped out and
stomped on. Its like I was looking for faults, I was waiting for us
to fail.

Even
after three weeks I find myself picking up the phone to apologize,
to tell him I love him but my pride won't let me. He told me
before he left that I deserve more but he was wrong, he is the one
that deserves more. He gave all of himself good and bad and I used
it against him like a weapon, afraid to lose myself and my heart to
him.

He'll
find someone better someone not jaded by the thought of love. Even
if it kills me I wont go back to him. I won't call him, all I've
done is hurt him and make him feel inferior and question himself.
What kind of love is that?

I wipe
away the tears spilling down my cheeks. I don't think I know how to
love without reservation. Yet, my heart races thinking about him
and deep in my soul I know I will never love anyone else but him.
No matter how hard I fought it, I'm doing exactly what my mother
did. At least she was smart enough to give all of herself, to love
and be loved once. I cheated myself and Ruxin.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eva
Thorpe

I'm feel
like i've been waiting hours to see the doctor, in reality its only
been ten minutes. The looks I'm getting are from curious men and
women is annoying. Not that I blame them I am surrounded my
three bulky men glaring back at them. I have to say, Dave has
become increasingly like a mother hen since i've gotten
sick. The bouts of nausea come and go at all times of the day
leaving me to think the stress of the press and Ruxin and I
breaking up is doing more damage then I thought. The other
two men Ruxin sent to protect me don't know the severity of my
nausea, since Dave is the only one I let in my
apartment.

I've
decided to postpone my plans to leave New York
until after I talk to Ruxin. I need to tell him I love him and that
I didn't mean the things I did or said. He has my heart, there's
not reason to fight it anymore.

"Eva
Thorpe." A woman calls from an open doorway and I walk towards
her. When I notice her looking behind me I turn to see
all three men behind me.

"Guys, I can take it from here."

"I'll go
in." Dave says, causing Robert to shake is head in
disagreement.

"No, I'll
go." Robert states.

"Boys,
all three of you. Stay here. I'll be out in a minute." I say,
ending the argument. "Sorry." I apologize to the nurse.

"That's
okay. This way." She smiles. I follow her until she stops and
tells me to step onto the scale. I
step up on the black square and watch as
she mores the weights, noting in my head i lost another
pound.

"Alright,
this way Miss Thorpe. Room 4." She opens the door and i walk in
putting my purse on the bench. "The doctor will be right
in."