Fallen (10 page)

I didn’t mind her doing my hair but I was nervous for her to be around Kai. Tiffany was beautiful in my eyes. I couldn’t help but to glance at her creamy chocolate skin and her perfectly petite 5’4 thick frame, that I know she often would catch me peeking at. No more than a size 6 her waist line complimented by her C cup breast made her the perfect image of a video vixen, even more then that she was a sassy firecracker with a big smile. Her attitude was something that al men would love; confident, hood and stil a little sweet. I gave her props in the way she carried herself. I would listen to her tel me al the crazy stories from her past 25 years of living while doing my hair which usualy consisted of men, fights, and partying. I would laugh and try to give her some direction but we had a mutual respect for having fun and being young.

“Girl, how come you and Kai don’t ever go out?” Tiffany twirled the flat irons around.

“We do.” I said.

“No, I mean like to the club. You would have a bal.”

“I’ve gone out with you, I never thought Kai would want to go to a club.”

“I don’t see why not. I think going to the club with your book is sexy. Y’al should come out with me, tel Kai to hook me up.”

I decided to take her up on her advice, although I thought Kai would be uncomfortable going to a club with me. Truth was, I was uncomfortable with being seen with Kai at the fear of running into Jason, that encounter would be more than embarrassing. Bumping into my son at a party ful of young men and women would make him grow more distant from me than he already had. Kai insisted that whatever club we went to that it wouldn’t be a place that Jason would party at. I trusted Kai and went along with his decisions.

It had been so long since I had gone to a club that I must’ve raided my closet about twenty times before finding an outfit to wear. The one thing I did not want to do was be dated. Memories of the old man in the club doing the funky chicken in the middle of the dance floor haunted my imagination.
I’m not doing the funky chicken for nobody
! I laughed at my own siliness and settled on a simple black spaghetti strap dress. You could never go wrong with black and as long as my shoes and my bag were hot I had nothing to worry about.

I knew my body was looking good in my dress but when Kai saw me doled up for the occasion he confirmed it by letting me know I looked
bad.
Not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good! An old school hip hop classic chimed in my head pleased to hear those words.

We swalowed a couple shots of vodka and headed out. Kai invited one of his friends to join us for the night so I invited Tiffany. Trey was a nice guy and I thought he and Tiffany would make a cute couple. As soon as he met they hit it off and I was pleased with my match making. They joked and laughed like they were already familiar with each other, they were too cute. I hoped Tiff would give me the inside scoop on him the next time she did my hair. He was a handsome guy, light brown skin, tal, with hazel eyes, a curly top and a strong build with a beard like Kai’s. Any woman would be attracted to him

When we arrived at the club I was ready to party. We had been drinking in the car and I smoked a little weed on the way over, ready to have a good time. Kai had settled on the weed and the shots but offered me some ecstasy to take. He had always told me that taking an E pil at a club would give me the ultimate experience so I decided that it was the perfect time to experiment. Tiffany and I each took one while the boys watched and waited for us to digest. I was already lit so one more item to add to my high didn’t make a difference to me.

The line was packed and filed with young females in freak ‘em dresses and bely shirts. Thank god the crowd was mainly white, it took away from the pressure that I would’ve felt at a hip hop club. Even better was the fact that Kai knew the bouncer. We walked directly to the front of the line and went straight through the velvet rope. Kai didn’t even have to pay the man. I wondered if he knew Kai for seling pils, but it I wouldn’t dare ask. However they were affiliated got us into the club.

I was taken back at first by the loud music. The speakers were stacked tal and the bass was booming. Kai paid the lady for us and Trey took on the responsibility of paying for him and Tiffany. We walked into the large building and my eyes were fixated on the high ceilings and bright lights. Laser and strobe lights circled the club as random sprays of a watery mist cooled down the air. The room was one big open space. People were everywhere dancing and partying. Tiffany fel right into place overly excited to be there and I couldn’t help but to fal into the good vibrations also. We blended into the crowd and Kai was right, the club was the perfect place to take the pil. My senses were heightened. I wondered if this was how the hippies felt at Woodstock. This was a
party
! I had come to celebrate life.

I kissed Kai over and over and he let me. It felt extraordinary to be able to be openly affectionate with him. My high had taken over and I wanted to have sex with him right there on the dance floor! I continued to move and move slightly off beat. The kind of music that was being played didn’t cal for rhythm so I was actualy right on the beat. The DJ kept pumping and I kept moving. Trey dipped off to the bathroom but Tiffany didn’t even notice, she was one with the music. Swaying side to side grooving to the music Tiffany danced her way over to me and grinded against me.

“Go head girl shake it.” She said.

Usualy I would’ve been against this behavior. In al the years I had known Porscha, she would’ve never came so close to me. But we were at a
party
. I alowed her to dance with me just how I would see the white girls do on reality shows. I actualy invited it, Tiffany was a good dancer. This generation was different than mine so I knew that this was just a simple dance. The E had me comfortable pressed up against her body. I could feel her dress rising which she failed to fix it. Kai couldn’t keep his eyes off of us. The more he starred the more I wanted his attention.

“I think Kai is trying to get a show.” I said.

“Give your man what he wants,” She smiled, “It’s just dancing.” I let her grab my breast and hoped that it would turn him on, and it did.

“What y’al doing?” Kai said.

I grinned. “Jealous?”

“A little,” he smirked, “you know those are mine, come here.” Kai broke us up and held me close to him.

When Trey returned we broke off into couples fading into the crowd. Kai excused himself to get me some water and Tiffany took back her place. This time Trey watched us grind on each other’s bodies. After feeling overheated and exhausted I left Tiffany with Trey to look for the bathroom. On my search I spotted Kai leaving the VIP section which I assumed was where he made his sels.

He walked to the bar to get my water and found his way back to Trey and Tiff. After leaving the bathroom I was ready to go home. I was hot and horny and over the club experience.

“Kai I’m ready to go.” I puled on his jeans.

“Okay no problem.”

“Now” I smiled and slurred.

“Trey we out, y’al good?”

“Yea, we can catch a cab.” Trey said with no problem.

It was a long ride home for us. I couldn’t keep my hands off Kai who was trying to focus on the road. I tooted on a blunt in the car not wanting my high to wear off before we made it to the bedroom. Kai fed me hard candy on the way home in order to keep my mouth wet. I roled it around my mouth with my tongue trying to savor the sweet taste as long as possible. Kai had introduced me to a new feeling that I would never forget.

The summer had flown by and the end was almost near. I hadn’t seen my boys in a longtime, partly because I wasn’t alowed in the house and partly because I couldn’t face them. Wel Jay gave me the okay to meet Jalal at the house and take him to get a few things for school so I was extra excited to get off of work for the weekend. Having to be told what I could and couldn’t do with my own son’s made me feel like a deadbeat parent. This must be what it was like to get visitation rights. I wondered if having a lack of control is what makes deadbeat parents give up. Yes you messed up and maybe you didn’t come around as much as possible but when you are ready to step up should it be on the other person’s terms only? I wasn’t sure of the right answer. But I wasn’t going to let my ego stop me from hanging out with Jalal just to argue with Jay. Plus Jalal was old enough to make his own decisions. If it weren’t for the fact that he was ignoring me and that I would have to come to the house, I wouldn’t of spoke to Jay about it at al. I text him and told him I would be there after work and even though he didn’t respond I knew none of my boys turn down freebies. So as soon as I got off of work I zoomed over to the house to see my family. Jay was stil at the shop and Jason’s car wasn’t parked out front, which was a relief to me because I knew that our first encounter would be an awkward one.

Kahliyah was sitting on the front steps talking on her cel phone chatting away. Loud and ghetto as usual she was a reminder of the life I had left behind, but not a negative one. The grass and hedges were neatly trimmed and the walk way was nice and clear. A dream like feeling overcame me as I got out the car and walked up the walk way. So many times I had a vision of the fight Jay and I had; ways that I could have made things different and things that I could’ve said.

I had pictured the house to be a cluttered mess and my husband begging me to come back after realizing it was just one big mistake. Whether or not
I
was going to take him back was always the mystery. Yes some crazy little dream I had concocted in my head, but dreams can easily be turned into reality. I was actualy kind of happy to see Kahliyah. The memory of my old life put a glow on my face for the moment.

She Jumped up and gave me a hug screaming, “Mom you look great!” as she embraced me.

Usualy I would’ve been turned off by those words but I hugged her back and gave into a quick conversation about her summer and my 25lb weight loss. She looked cute today in a long pink strapless summer dress and her hair in a tight bun.

“You look nice Kahliyah.”

“Thanks mom,” she smiled, “I had a slight style change.”

“Glad to see that. Is my son upstairs?”

“Yea, I’m not sure what he’s doing, but he’s upstairs.”

I made my way into the house I was stunned to see everything was exactly how I left it. For some reason I expected things to be completely out of order. But instead, the house was clean no dishes in the sink or anything. They weren’t missing me at al. Feelings of shame overcame me as I realized how easily I made it to be replaced. I wasn’t the best housekeeper, but I kept my house tidy. Yet, these monstrous men who always gave me a hard time with keeping the house in order, were maintaining just fine with me gone.

I looked over a pile of mail with my name on it but nothing important was there. Once Jay drained the account I took my name off al of the bils so there was nothing but junk mail. I looked around for Jalal but he wasn’t anywhere on the first floor. Slowly creeping up the steps I made my way to Jalal’s room not sure what reaction to expect from him. He took things a little harder than Jamir, Jalal wasn’t as forgiving. I was apprehensive towards his response to me being in the house. He never responded to me so in actuality I hadn’t a clue if he realy wanted to be around me.

Growing up Jalal had a very hot and cold type of personality. There were a few times that I caught the cold end of the stick but Jay, being the main disciplinarian, caught it al the time. Jalal could go weeks without speaking to you or being around you as if you never existed. No matter how much you tried to beat it out of him or punish him for his attitude and coldness, he would not break. We learned to just live with it and to accept it as a part of his coping process. Even as a child unlike most kids, Jalal didn’t fight with you one minute and play with you the next. We would tease his brothers about how Ja would shout them out over a game of Connect 4 for a week. What can I say my child could hold a grudge.

My son was sitting on the edge of the bed listening to the radio. Sounds of rapper Jay-z’s first album Reasonable Doubt flowed smoothly out of the radio. The music was reminiscent of Jay in our early 20s. Jay used to play the cd on repeat until I knew every word against my own wil! Jalal was introduced to the music at a young age and loved the classic beats. I knew he must’ve been high because this was lay back and relax kind of music to a blunt. I was stil a little buzzed from the weed I had had earlier and hoped that the lingering smel in the room was fuming from off of him and not me.

Jalal’s strong back was bent over almost as if he was that old Greek statue I saw in art museums as child, he looked like man. A grin took over my face. I knocked on the doorway entrance before I stepped in hoping he would give his approval but he never turned around to acknowledge me. Not sure if a hug was what he wanted, I hesitated to give my son the huge embrace that was warming up inside me.

“Hey Ja! You ready?” My announcement was loud and cheery hoping it would invite him in but it didn’t work.

Jalal’s presence was very cold. He made no movement, eye contact or anything resembling body language. Placing his hands under his chin from the side I could see his face shifted to being stern and in deep thought.

“I’m not going mom.”

Anxious and ready to head to the mal I disregarded everything he was saying and told him to come on, I had lots of money to spend on him and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. The Jalal I knew would’ve jumped up at that answer but this Jalal didn’t care about my words. I wasn’t talking to my little boy anymore I was talking to myself, because I didn’t realize that this was a young man before my eyes.

I stood and waited for a moment as I saw tears form in my son’s eyes. At this point I was just confused because I knew I had done wrong but I was trying to make him feel a little better. I didn’t expect this emotional breakdown today, I wasn’t prepared.