Falling In (27 page)

              I step away and let him say goodnight to Cady as I do the same with Dyl. Once he’s tucked in and ready for Cole, I cautiously walk down the stairs and over to the couch to wait for my version of judgment day.

              I close my eyes and listen to his boots hit each step, taking slow, measured breaths as I feel him coming closer to me, closer to saying everything I have feared hearing.

              “Evie.”

              I shake my head, not ready to face this.

              “Evie, look at me.” He says more forcefully. I open my eyes on command and meet his hurt ones.

              “Cole—”

              “
Don’t
. Don’t insult me with your sympathy. Just tell me the fucking truth. Tell me everything. I need to know.”

              I look down and shake my head back and forth again, terrified to say what he wants to hear, knowing it will change everything between us. It will break him.

              “Evie.”

              “We didn’t sleep together. I mean, we napped together, but we didn’t have sex, I swear.”

              “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

              “No. I just needed you to know that.”

              “Did you kiss him?”

              “Yes.”

              “Just once?”

              I shake my head, not willing to tell him just how many times Jake and I have kissed.

              “What is it?”

              I look up to him with confusion written all over my face. “What is what?”

              “What is this thing with him? Is it an affair? A crush? Or—are you in love with him?” his voice breaks at the end of the question.

              “I don’t know.” My answer comes out as barely a whisper.

              “I can’t fucking believe this. What the hell happened?”

              He starts to pace back and forth, running his hand through his short blond hair that I’m just now realizing is shorter than it was earlier.
Did he cut his hair today?
I shake the random thought from my mind and focus on Cole.

              “I don’t know,” I repeat.

              “Fuck, Evie. Is that all you have to say? I’m all in here. I’ve
always
been all in. And Jesus, I thought you were, too.”

              “I was. I mean, I am. I just—I don’t know, Cole.”

              “You don’t know what? You don’t know if you want this—
us
? God damn it, I’m such a fucking pussy.”

              “What? Cole, no.”

              “I fucking knew it, Evie. I
knew
. You think I didn’t see the way you looked at him? I may be a pussy, but I’m not a fucking idiot. I have eyes. I saw the hidden smiles and the fucking ‘accidental’ touches. I knew. I fucking knew, and I didn’t say a word, because I was too God damn scared. And hopeful. Hoping it was all in my head. But it wasn’t, was it?” He stops pacing and sits down on the chair in front of me, putting his head into his hands. “Did you let him touch you?” He looks up at me with desperation in his eyes. My heart breaks all over again.

              “Not in the way you’re thinking.”

              “Is this my fault?”

              “What? No.”

              “How could it not be? I never gave you a choice, Evie. I’ve been in your life for as long as you can remember. I’m all you know. But maybe—maybe I’m not all you want.”

              “Don’t say that or even think it, Cole. This isn’t your fault. You’re amazing. You’ve been amazing. Always.”

              “Then what the hell happened, Evie? Why do I feel like I’m going to lose you?” he asks, completely and utterly defeated.

              I don’t know how I’ve held it in tonight. Maybe because I cried for hours already. But that one question, plus the desolate look on his face sends me over the edge. Tears begin to stream down my face as I make my way to him. Sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of him, I pull him into me.

              “I’m so sorry, Cole. I swear, I didn’t mean for this to happen. It just—did.”

              “I can’t, Evie.” He pulls away from me and gets up off the chair, walking around the table. “I can’t do this.”

              “What are you saying?” I ask, my eyes searching his face for clues. Something to tell me what’s going on in his head.

              “You obviously have shit you have to figure out. But I can’t be here while you do it. Not with him next door. I can’t. I won’t.”

              “So, what, that’s it? You’re just leaving me?” I stand up, ready to do something. What that is, I’m not sure, but I know I can’t just let him leave me.
Not yet.
Not without knowing what the hell I want.

              “For a while, yeah. I called my parents while I was out. You know tomorrow is the last day of school, so I’ll just pick the kids up again and we’ll stay with them.” I sit right back down, that burst of strength suddenly sucked right out of me.

              Cole is leaving me.

              He’s taking the kids with him.

              “For how long?” I ask, not hiding the quivering in my voice.

              “I don’t know, Evie. For as long as it takes.”

              All I can do is nod. That’s all I have the right to do.
I
did this.
I
caused this.

              “Look, I’m gonna go take a shower and bring some things downstairs. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

              “You don’t have to do that.”

              “Yeah, I do.”

              “Fine.” I turn my head away from him, not wanting him to see the fresh set of tears that are falling down. Once I hear him walk upstairs and head to our room, I let the sob that I was holding back out of its cage as I wrap my arms around myself, needing the support—even if it’s my own.

              I only allow myself to cry for a few minutes before I go to the linen closet and grab a sheet, pillow, and a blanket for Cole. I make him a decent bed on the couch.
It’s the least I can do, right?
I sit down on it and close my eyes, waiting to hear those familiar steps walk down the stairs. About twenty minutes later, I finally do. I open my eyes and watch him carry down his clothes for tomorrow and an overnight bag, presumably packed for however long this will take.

              “You didn’t have to make my bed.”

              “Yes, I did.”

              “Thank you.”

              Again, I can only nod, worried that I will break down again if I say another word. I walk over to where he’s standing, and I know I shouldn’t say anything more, but I need him to know.

              “I do love you, Cole.”

              “I know.” He says after a loud sigh. “Goodnight, Evie.”

              “Goodnight.”

              Once I reach our room, I throw my phone onto the bed, run to the bathroom, and throw up. But having not eaten much today, it’s really just liquid. After the dry heaving subsides, I lie down on the bathroom floor, the cold tile cooling me down and easing my upset stomach. I’m not sure how long I stay there, but at some point I get up and brush my teeth before crawling into bed. The bed feels chilly and completely void without Cole. I’m exhausted, but I know there is no chance in hell I’ll be able to sleep. I stretch my arms out, patting the bed in search of my phone. I find it after maneuvering my body in an awkward, bendy position. I have a couple of missed text messages.

                          
 
Jake: Hey, are you ok?

                            Jake: Evangeline?

                            Jake: Text or call me when you can ok? I saw Cole’s truck in the                                                         driveway. I just wanna know if you’re ok.

            
 
The last one was sent only thirty minutes ago. My fingers hover over the keys, indecision plaguing me. But in the end, I’m weak and needy, and I’ll be the first to admit it. The phone only rings twice before he picks up.

              “Hey, I’ve been worried about you all night. Are you okay?” I smile at his sincerity.

              “Not really.”

              “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little happy this is out in the open. But even so, I fucking hate to know that you’re hurting. The despair in your voice is killing me right now. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

              I sigh and close my eyes, willing them to not shed any more tears. “He’s leaving. He’s taking the kids to his parents’ house, and they’re all going to stay there for however long it takes.”

              “How long it takes for what?”

              “For me to figure out what I want.”

              “Oh.” He sighs loudly into the phone. “What do you want?”

              “I don’t know, Jake.”

              “I want to see you.” He says, and I’ve never heard such truer words. It makes me smile again.

              “I want to see you, too.”

              “I’m gonna come over tomorrow, okay?”

              “Okay.”

              “Good. Now try to get some sleep. You’ve had a rough day.”

              “As tired as I am, I just don’t think I can. Not after tonight.”

              “What if I stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep? I could even read you a story.”

              “What kind of story?”

              “Well, I just started reading
The Sorcerer’s Stone
to Ben. I have it right next to me.”

              “Harry Potter? Um, yes, please!”

              It took about twenty minutes of wonderful wizardry read by that smooth and deep voice of Jake’s for me to fall fast asleep.

***

The creakiness of my door opening and shutting rouses me from sleep. I groggily turn toward the direction of the noise and gasp. Cole is standing against the door, shirtless and breathing heavily.

              “Cole, what are you doing in here?” I whisper, and glance at the clock on the nightstand. “It’s one o’clock in the morning.” I turn back to watch him slowly move closer to me. My heart speeds up with each step he takes. “Cole.” I breathe out as he stops at the side of the bed, looking down at me with so many emotions in his eyes—hatred, love, disappointment, desire. They are all on display, and as much as I want to look away, I don’t. I can’t. I don’t deserve to. I need to see what I am doing to the man I love.

              “I can’t leave.”

              I sit up instantly at those words. “What? You’re staying?” He shakes his head, and the little hope I just had dissolves as quickly as it came.

              “I can’t leave without reminding you of what we have,” he says before kneeling down, capturing my mouth with a desperation that has never been there before this moment. I wrap my arm around his neck, pulling him on top of me as his tongue explores my mouth greedily. I run my free hand down his bare chest, feeling every ridge and angle, trying to ease the tension I feel in his muscles, but it seems to only make it worse. His irritation is seeping out of him with every movement.

              Suddenly, he snatches my hands from his body and pins them above my head, gripping them tightly in one hand. Normally this would turn me on, but right now it just feels wrong. His mouth travels down my neck, nipping and sucking, as one hand begins to fondle my right breast, tugging my nipple a little too roughly. My body is reacting to his touch, but my mind is screaming at me to stop this before it goes too far.

              “Cole.” I whisper harshly, trying to get my hands free. He ignores me as I squirm adamantly from his touch. “Stop, Cole!” I say louder, finally garnering his attention. He rips his mouth from my body, panting heavily and when he meets my eyes I see exactly what I thought I would find: anger. After he releases my hands, I push him off me and scoot up the bed, rubbing my sore wrists.

              “Why the hell did you say stop?”

              “This doesn’t feel right.” Once those words leave my mouth he jumps off the bed, his face crimson red with fury.

              “This doesn’t feel
right
? Why, because of your fucking boyfriend?”

              “What? No. This has nothing to do with him.”

              “Bullshit. God, I can’t fucking believe you right now.”

              “Cole.” I say, easing out of bed. Taking a few calming breaths, I walk over to him with hesitation. He doesn’t even look at me when I touch his hand, gently putting it into mine. “It didn’t feel right because I could feel your anger with every touch, and your disgust whenever I tried to touch you. I’m feeling it right now as I hold your hand—it’s like I’m a disease or something that you can’t get further away from. I don’t want to be with you like that. I can’t. And you shouldn’t want to, either. There was no love there, Cole. It was just gone.”