Falling In (24 page)

This is ridiculous
.
I’m
being ridiculous.
I just need to put on some big girl panties and walk out this door.

With a deep breath, I place my hand on the knob and turn, feeling the warm air hit my face as I step through the doorway. I know he’s not outside before I even glance over to his house. The connection isn’t there. It’s as if we’re out of range, too far away to feel each other. I sit on the steps and bring my knees to my chest, close my eyes, and just concentrate on breathing while the sun begins to calm my frazzled nerves.

Until I hear it.

The opening and slamming of a door. My eyes instantly go to him. My body comes alive: my heart speeds up and my skin prickles and heats, while my newly calmed breathing turns haggard. My eyes are locked on him like an expert sniper. And I know he can feel it, from the way his body tensed once he stepped through that door, to the clenching of his hands and tick of his jaw. But still, our connection doesn’t mean shit if he won’t even look my way, no matter how much I try to will it to happen.

The bus pulls up between our houses, breaking my gaze for the first time since he came outside. Our kids are the last to come off, Dyl first, then Cady and Ben behind him. Dylan comes running up to me.

“Hey Mom, can Ben come over for a little while?” he asks, as Ben and Cady give me hopeful looks.

“Umm—”

I look over at Jake and finally meet his eyes. The playfulness that is usually there has been replaced with anger in its purest form. He shakes his head slightly before returning his eyes elsewhere—anywhere but on me.

I release a sigh before answering my puppy dog-faced children. “Not today, okay? But maybe tomorrow.” Doubtful, but I’m not going to tell my kids that.

After a chorus of “Ah mans,” they make their way inside, Cady lingering a bit with Ben before he turns and runs to Jake. I stand there like an idiot looking at him, hoping, waiting for him to look at me before he goes back inside. Well, the phrase ‘be careful what you wish for’ definitely comes to mind, because he did look back at me—but it was so cold, it froze me on the spot, sending chills down my body. If looks could kill is right on. That one look felt like a vicious stab to the heart. I think I may have even stopped breathing for a moment. I was still standing there long after he went inside. Until Cole pulled up. I turn my body to face his truck, watching him climb out and take each step that brings him closer to where I’m standing.

He stops right in front of me. I can feel the tears welling up, right on the edge of falling, of releasing every fucked up emotion I’ve felt all day.

Cole must see it, because his eyes soften. “Evie,” he says on a sigh, hopelessly and maybe a little exasperated.

A single tear falls down my cheek, but before another can fall, I’m pulled into his warm and safe arms.
My protector
. He squeezes me tightly, like he’s afraid I’ll bolt away at any moment. But right now, I don’t think I ever will. Ever
could
. He feels like home. And right now, after the twisted day I’ve had, I just want to forget everything that has happened between Jake and I and just go home. “
Let’s go inside, okay
?” he whispers into my hair.

“Okay.”

***

Jake

Jesus Christ, I need to punch something again
.

But that’s not going to happen with Ben in the next room, drinking chocolate milk.

Fuuuuuck
, I was not ready to see her. And to see that wounded look on her face, her timid and scared, beautiful fucking face…

No
.

She
doesn’t get to be upset.
She
doesn’t get to look like I just kicked her fucking puppy.
I
get to look like that. I wasn’t the one that fucked her boyfriend thirty fucking minutes after fooling around with someone else. Fooling around with
me
. God, and I was going to tell her I loved her today.
I’m such an idiot. A fucking lovesick-pussy-ass-idiot.

I yank on my hair again, probably pulling some of it out from how many times I’ve done the same thing in the last few hours. Ever since I saw her. I can’t get the image out of my mind. It’s like it’s seared into my retinas. That body—that perfect, naked body, laid out on the table for all to see. Open for the taking.
Only, I wasn’t the one taking.
I stood there and watched him touch every part of her. Like those perky little breasts that I’ve been dreaming of caressing. I almost did a few hours ago, until
he
fucked everything up. I
knew
I shouldn’t have left earlier. If I hadn’t, he would’ve most likely caught us together, which means we finally could’ve had it out. Get it all out in the open.

I would’ve claimed my love.

Jesus, I sound like fucking Colin Firth right now
.
Whatever
. She would’ve been forced to make a choice, or he would’ve flipped out. But either way, she quite possibly could’ve been in my arms—or bed—at this very moment, and what happened between them would not have happened. She’d be mine.

Maybe
.

Anything is better than what’s happening right now. I’m sitting on the couch with my eyes closed and my fists clenched like I’m about to jump up and pop someone. Basically the same position I’ve been in since—well, you know.

I really need to start boxing again.

Fuck
. It doesn’t even matter if my eyes are open or closed. All I see is her with
him
. Trailing down her curvy body, spreading her legs when he gets to her sweet spot. And hot damn, did it look sweet. I bet it tasted like vanilla cupcakes. Exactly how she smells. And that look…that look of pure ecstasy when she came. Her face was flushed with the perfect shade of pink, and she had this small smile that just radiated total fulfillment. She’d never looked so beautiful. But it wasn’t for me. It wasn’t
with
me. It was by sheer force of will that I left before I saw what was coming next. That would be a whole other kind of torture. I don’t think I could take watching him claim what should be mine. It’s bad enough to imagine it, to assume that it’s happening. I do not need to see it. I start rubbing the area over my heart. Something I’ve also been doing since ‘the incident.’ I’m having some weird form of heartburn or something.

Whatever it is, it fucking hurts.

“Uncle Jake?” I look up to find Ben staring at me with a concerned look on his face.
Shit.
“Are you okay? You look weird.” he says, walking over and sitting right in front of me on the coffee table.

“Yeah, kid, I’m fine. I just have heartburn or something.” I try to sound convincing, but I’m not sure it worked. I hope like hell it did, though.

“Your heart hurts?”

“What? No. I mean—well, yeah. Sort of, I guess.”

He doesn’t say anything for a minute. Just looks like he’s contemplating something. What, I have no idea.

“Is it because of Miss Evie?”

“What?” I think my eyes just bulged out of my head.
What. The. Hell?

“Miss Evie, you know Cady and Dyl’s mom? I don’t know. It’s just, um—you guys are always smiling at each other. And I saw you hugging and holding hands once. You look like me when I look at Cady.”

“And how’s that?”

“Like you love her.”

He just shrugs like it’s no big deal.
Damn, is this kid seven or twenty-seven?
I forget how perceptive he is. He’s quiet, but he sees everything. It’s always the quiet ones you’ve gotta keep an eye on.
Shit
. I’ve got no one else to talk to, might as well use the one person that’s here for me, regardless if he’s a second grader.

“Yeah. That sounds about right.”

“But she’s with Cady’s dad.”

“Yep, that would be the problem.”

He pauses again before bestowing an answer on my poor, dumb-ass self.

“Does she love you back?”

Now it’s my turn to shrug. “I think so. Sometimes. But honestly, I don’t really know.”

“That is a problem.”

“You’re telling me, kid.”

Again he goes silent, and actually taps his finger to his lips while he works this all out in his head.
Or at least I’m hoping that’s what he’s doing.
Yeah, I’m a great uncle. Depending on my seven-year old nephew to sort out my love life.

“I think you need to go over to their house when Mr. Cole isn’t home and tell her you love her.”

“Yeah, I tried that earlier. It didn’t work out so well.”

“Do you love her?”

“Yes.”

“Then you try again and again until it works. But if it doesn’t, I’m sure we can find another mom for you.” He pats me on the shoulder after he gets up.
A pity pat
. Then he sits down next to me and turns on the TV, changing it to
Disney XD
. So, for the next hour, we watch
The Ultimate Spiderman
while I think about what Ben said.

Maybe this little dude is right
. I just need to keep trying, because in the end, I fucking love that girl.
And that’s all that matters, right?

Of course, that’s all good and well until that damn image of Cole going down on her pops right back into my head.

And now I’m pissed off all over again.

Fuck.

I’m so fucked.

***

Evangeline

Well, it’s looking like tonight will be another glorious sleepless night. I’m lying on my side, facing Cole, watching his chest rise and fall and thanking goddess he’s asleep. Tonight was awkward, at best. The unsaid words just lingered around us, the tension so thick I had to leave the room every twenty minutes, fearing that I would choke or worse, breakdown and speak what I am sure he already knows. At this point, we’re both just waiting with bated breath for one of us to pull the cord. Of course we put on a great show for the kids. I’m positive that they don’t suspect anything is wrong. I hope not, at least.

Once they went to bed, Cole graded papers on the couch while I watched TV, or in this case, just stared vacantly at the screen for two hours before falling asleep. I woke up to Cole carrying me upstairs. For those few minutes, it felt like how things used to be, how they should be. I nestled into his chest, feeling the familiar warmth and comfort before he broke the connection, placing me gently on the bed. I pretended to still be asleep, not ready to hash things out, nor see the disappointment that lurks behind those sky blue eyes. It took him about ten minutes to fall asleep, which surprised me, but from the bearlike snoring that is coming from his mouth, he most likely took a Melatonin pill. Guess he was afraid of not sleeping as well.
Wish I would’ve thought of that
.

I run my tongue over my teeth, feeling grimy from not brushing them or washing my face. I stealthily ease out of the bed and tiptoe into the bathroom. After doing my business and feeling somewhat less wrong, I decide to snag a pill myself, because honestly, I don’t see how I’m ever going to fall asleep. Not with the damn movie reel playing incessantly in my head of Jake completely ignoring me and looking like he didn’t want to have anything to do with me.
Ever
. Or the way his body just went stiff as a corpse when he sensed me. How our connection was still there, yes, but it somehow felt—off. Distorted. It was like he was trying his damnedest to cut himself free, but he just didn’t have the right tools for the job.

But can I blame him?
I’m almost positive he saw Cole and I having sex no more than thirty minutes after we were making out like a pair of horny teenagers. I’d be fucking pissed, too. It hurts my heart just thinking about it.
No, I don’t want to think about this anymore.
I just want to sleep and wake up to a new day, ‘cause this one fucking sucked. And hopefully tomorrow I can get him to at least acknowledge me, if not use words. I’ll even take yelling—which I suspect will eventually happen. Anything is better than silence.

I make my way back to bed and curl into a ball underneath the blanket, wrapping my arms around my knees, pulling them in close, needing to feel that security that I crave so much at this moment. The pill hits me pretty quickly, the price of being so damn petite. The last thing I remember seeing before drifting off to the welcome nothingness was Jake’s eyes, still green and bright, but completely devoid of any emotion. Just blank. And staring right at me.

***

I wake up to my kids nudging my shoulder, telling me they’re going to be late for school. I shoot up out of bed and look at my bedside clock.

Shit.

We’ve got twenty minutes until the bus comes. Cole didn’t wake me before he left, and I somehow slept through my backup alarm. Thank goddess the kids woke up without me. I tell them to go grab something to wear while I scrounge for another pair of yoga leggings and tank, sans bra.
Ain’t nobody got time for that
. I quickly braid my hair to the side and scramble downstairs, running to the kitchen to make their lunches. It’s times like these when I wish they would eat school lunch. But to be honest, I don’t blame them for not wanting to.