Falling Into Grace (3 page)

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” I smile and he smiles back.

Ella follows shortly after. She runs to me quickly and jumps into my arms.

“Mommy, you look pretty today.”
I do?

“Thank you, baby! Do you want breakfast, lovey? I’m making waffles.” They both look so happy today. I pour the batter into the waffle iron and close the lid. Excitement twinkles in their eyes as I get the chocolate syrup out of the fridge. I mix them both a glass of chocolate milk and place it on the table in front of them. I see the light flash green and the waffles are done. I make them each a plate and watch as they inhale their food. We finish up breakfast, and they go back upstairs to get dressed. They are back, before I finish cleaning up.

“We brushed our teeth already, hot mama,” Hunter says, giggling.

“Oh, you did, did you? Let me see.” They both open their mouths, showing off that they actually did a good job. To show my approval, I nod and laugh. They are my world. I would not have been able to move on if it weren’t for them. I look them over to make sure they are all ready. Backpacks are already on their backs, shoes are on, and their faces are clean.

“OK, let’s move it out the door.” I drop them off at school and become a robot. I head into work with nothing on my mind. I sit down in my office and check my messages.

“You look good today, Hannah.” I look up, and it’s Michele, my boss in the doorway.

“Thanks. I did something with myself today. It’s been awhile. I thought it would lift my spirits,” I confess.

“Well, it agrees with you. You look like yourself again. If you need anything, I’m here.” I have heard that every day for the last three months.

I took five months off after Chase died. I couldn’t bear to see the world after it crashed down around me. It feels good to be back in the land of the living again. Slowly and steadily, I have begun to feel again.

“Oh, Hannah, I had to do emergency heart surgery early this morning; could you check on my patient for me? I have to go. I’m late for a parent-teacher conference.” Dr. Michele Mitchell is one of the top cardiovascular surgeons in the state. I’m her physician’s assistant.

“Sure, no problem.”

“I told the patient’s family about you and that you would be monitoring her today. Thanks, Hannah. You’re the best.” She gives me her big smile, then disappears out of sight. When I finish checking messages, I make my way down to ICU to see our patient. I say good morning to the staff, then sit down and go through the chart. Victoria Grace, sixty-one and widowed. I feel the pain and swallow. I read on and collect the info I need. I wonder if her family is still here, and yes, they are. Three men sit around her, making a fuss. She rolls her eyes and stops when they meet my eyes. I recognize the sadness, and I think she might too.

“Mrs. Grace, I’m Hannah Redman, Dr. Mitchell’s PA. I will be monitoring you today. How are you feeling?” I ask as I walk over and take her hand.

“I would be better if they would leave. They are the reason I am here. They drive me crazy.” She is fire. I love the attitude right away.
I’m going to like her
, I think to myself.

“Gentleman, could you please give me a moment with Mrs. Grace?”

As they leave, she sticks her tongue out at them. I almost laugh.

“Now, how are you feeling? Are you in pain?” I read her monitors and everything looks perfect. She is one strong woman.

“I feel as good as I can for just having my chest cracked open. I just want to get out of here. My sons are driving me nuts.” Her voice strains, and I can tell she is tired.

“Do you want me to tell them you need rest?” I ask, tempting her. “They can wait in the waiting room and give you a few hours.”

“If you could do that, I would give you my firstborn.” She has a sweet look in her eyes. I feel like she is reading me, like she can see the matching pain in my eyes.

“No problem, Mrs. Grace. I will make sure they leave you alone for a while so you can rest.”

“Please call me Tori. Mrs. Grace is my mother-in-law,” she snorts, looking uncomfortable.

“OK, Tori. Get some rest and I will be back later to check on you.” I walk out of the room and head into the waiting room. The three men stand as soon as I walk in the door. They are all well dressed in black tuxes. They must have been at an event last night when all of this happened.

“Is my mother going to be all right?” the first one asks. He is the tallest. He has to be at least six foot four. Their builds are all the same. They have wide shoulders, long arms and legs, and beautiful blue eyes.

“Yes, she is doing great, but she needs her rest.”

“Aiden,” one says, and the one who just spoke turns his head.

“Let’s all go back home and shower and change, and we can come back later.”

Aiden stands his ground. “Someone has to stay in case anything changes. John, call Sam and have him drive you and Shane home. I’m going to stay. I’ll go later when you come back. I don’t want to leave her like this.” Aiden is the oldest and it shows. He is protective and loving. He reminds me a bit of Hunter.

“OK, Mr. Grace, but if you’re going to stay, can you stay out here for about an hour? Your mother has fallen asleep, and she needs her sleep to get better.” I feel like I’m talking to a child.

“Yes, ma’am,” he says, slightly shocking me.
Ma’am
?

I extend my hand. “It’s Hannah. Nice to meet you.” He extends his giant hand and wraps it around mine. “If you need anything, please have the nurse page me. I will be back in about an hour.”

“Thank you,” all three say in unison.

“You’re welcome.” I nod and leave the room. They are all so good-looking. Good family genes. I smile as I walk away.

I make my rounds and find myself back in my office, where I stare at the picture on my desk. Chase looks so good. He has a grin on his face that I know all too well. I miss him and I feel the hurt once again. I stay staring at his picture for a while. After my picture gazing, I get up and head to Mrs. Grace’s room; it has been over an hour, and I said I would be back. When I walk past the waiting room, I see Aiden isn’t there. I hope he isn’t bothering her. In her room, I see she is sound asleep. Aiden is at her side, holding her hand. I start to back away, letting them have their moment, but my eyes meet Aiden’s; I look down.

“Thank God she is OK,” he says. “She had us all worried last night.” I look back at him, meeting his gaze. His eyes are fixed on me; I feel like I can’t move in his stare.

“She is a strong woman, and she is doing better than expected.” I see the hope in his eyes. I try to comfort him as much as possible. “All signs point to a full recovery.” It is true; she is doing incredibly well for just having open-heart surgery. “They are going to move her down to another room later on today.”

“Thank you, Hannah,” he says. I like the way it rolls off his tongue. For a split moment, I realize that I think he is cute. I blush and walk out of the room. One of the nurses runs over as she sees me leaving. It’s Jane. She is sweet and young, maybe twenty-two.

“Hey, Jane, what’s up?” I ask, looking at her. She is all disheveled.

“Have you met Mrs. Grace’s sons? They are gorgeous. I couldn’t even talk, they are so good-looking.” Her face blushes to a bright pink and I instantly look away.

“Yes, I guess they are good-looking, but I haven’t noticed.” I smile, and she can tell it is a total lie.

“Very funny, Hannah. I wish I had a poker face like you. Nothing makes you flustered.” We both laugh. I’m slowly getting all the feelings back, although laughter is still forced. Hunter and Ella can make me laugh, but it’s only because I can see Chase in their eyes.

Dr. Mitchell is making her way over to us. I glance at my watch and notice it’s about four o’ clock.

“How is Mrs. Grace?” she asks as she sifts through charts.

“She is doing great. Her sons were driving her up the wall making a fuss over her. I got them to leave for a bit and she slept. She looks like she feels better.” Michele looks up.

“So you got to meet her sons?” One eyebrow goes up, inspecting me as I stand at the doorway.

“Yes, I made them leave the room, then told them they have to let her rest.” She looks at me, proud.

“What did they have to say about that?” she prods.

“Nothing, two left and one stayed.” I turn, ready to leave.

“Which one stayed?” she asks, teasing.

“Aiden.” I smile.

“Oh, so you’re on a first-name basis with him?” I turn to her before I leave.

“Dr. Mitchell, I have great bedside manners.” I grin and walk away. I am getting my sense of humor back as well today.

“Have a good night, Hannah. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I go back into my office and get my purse.

I am heading out when I see the two other brothers walking back in. They stop me as I walk past them.

“Hannah,” one of them says. I stop and smile. It is John, and I can’t remember the other one’s name.

“I’m Shane Grace, Victoria Grace’s son. This is my brother, John.” Yes, Shane. I remember now.

“Yes, I remember,” I lie.

“How is my mother doing?” John is the shy one, I can tell. He looks down, then at his brother.

“She is doing very well. She is a strong woman. Go up and see her.” I try to reassure him she will be fine.

“Thank you. I appreciate everything you and Dr. Mitchell have done.” Shane’s hand is strong around mine, as he shakes my hand.

“I had nothing to do with the surgery; it was all Dr. Mitchell.” I nod at him and they walk off into the hospital.

When I get home, the kids are at the table eating dinner; my mom helps me out on the days I work. I now work three days a week. This week I chose to cluster them together to get it over with, and the kids have nothing going on this week, so I can. They are all smiles as I walk into the kitchen.

“Did you guys have a good day at school today?” I ask, playfully running my fingers along the top of Hunter’s head.

“Yeah, I guess,” he says, looking down.

“What’s wrong, baby?” I get the feeling of hurt again.

“Nothing ice cream won’t fix, Mommy.” He looks up, happy again.

How can I say no to this face? I have been having a lot of trouble saying no to them since Chase has been gone. I have taken the role of both mother and father. It’s been hard; I never realized how much I needed him. My mom stays, and we all have ice cream. When we finish, my mom says good-bye to the kids, and I walk her to the door.

“Sweetheart, you look good today,” she says as she tucks a few strands of my hair behind one ear.

“It wasn’t that bad today, Mom.” I look down and sigh.

“I guess each day is different.” She kisses my cheek, then walks out the door.

The night goes fast. I clean up dinner while the kids watch TV, and then it’s bath time and bedtime. We sit in Ella’s room while I read to them. When I finish, I tuck Ella in and follow Hunter into his room. I pick him up and squeeze him tight. We go back and forth about who loves whom more. I let him win, but I know my love is greater.

I find myself in Chase’s office. He set up the treadmill for me after I had the kids. I would go in there once the kids were asleep and run while he worked. It was fun; he would tease me about the way I ran, and I would make fun of him about the way he typed. We would always end up on the floor together, wrapped in each other’s arms after powerful lovemaking. I stand and gaze at the floor. I need
to run. I get my sneakers on and start. I run until I can’t anymore and think I just might sleep tonight. After my long run I shower and try to relax. For a while I sit on the big chair in my room, staring at my bed. I need to sleep, but I know I’m not going to. Finally I give up and get in bed.

CHAPTER FIVE

I
lie on my back, thinking,
I need to stop this. I don’t want to go there
. Suddenly I’m there.

October 2012

I made it home and walked into the house. I never got to clean, and I’m sure everyone will be coming through the doors any minute. When I stress, I clean. I go right into the bathroom off the kitchen and start to clean. Once I’m done there, I go into the den and finish what I started. I move back into the kitchen to collect the garbage. Cleaning calms me, even though it looks like I’m in a frenzy running around. I take the garbage out, and when I come in, I collapse onto the floor and weep.
What the hell am I going to say to Ella and Hunter
? I wonder.
How do I explain this? What am I going to say?
I hear Kevin in the office talking to someone. Suddenly I hear a car pull up. It’s the kids. I stand up quickly, knowing I can’t be like this when they come in the door. I need to be strong. I need to be OK. I need to do this for them. If I fall apart, they will too. I gather all the strength I have left and wait for them to come in. I see the door open, and in run my two beautiful kids.

“Mommy, Mommy,” they yell. I put my arms out and pick up both of them. I needed this, needed them around me. I smell their hair. It’s the scent of lavender. We split, and they run into the kitchen. Ella spots Kevin first.

“Uncle Kevin,” she screams as she runs and jumps into his arms.

He needs them as well. I can see him hug her extra tight before putting her down. He does the same with Hunter.

“Where is Daddy?” Hunter asks, looking behind Kevin. He thinks Chase is hiding because he always does.

“Daddy, where are you?” Hunter and Ella split up and start the hunt. This breaks my heart, and the pain lunges deep in my chest. I start to gasp for air.

“Guys, Daddy isn’t home. Come in here.” I don’t recognize my voice, and I don’t think they do either, because within seconds they are by my side. I bring them into the den, and we all sit down on the couch. They know something is up because they both pile on my lap.
Breathe
, I tell myself. How the hell can I tear their little delicate world to pieces?

I breathe again. “Mommy loves you very much. You know this, right? “They both nod at me.

“Well, Daddy…” My voice cracks. Tears swell up in my eyes. “Daddy had to go to heaven today; he was asked to be an angel.” They both look at me in shock. I know they understand the whole heaven thing. Hunter is interested in God and where he was born and Christmas.
Christmas
, I think, and the pain gets worse. They are still looking at me, so I talk again.