Fantasy Attraction (Hidden Secrets) (19 page)

“Love you too Sweetie.  Be careful and call and let me know that you are okay.”

After hanging up the phone, I wrote a letter to Carson and walked back into the room and placed it on my pillow.  Standing beside the bed, I watched him sleep.  Reaching out, I ran a hand over his face and pressed a soft kiss to his head.

“I love you, Carson.  Please forgive me for this.”  I whispered.

Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other and leave the house.  I knew there was going to be a lot of stops to make in order to get it all out of my account.  Closing the door behind me making sure it was locked, I ran from the house and out of the gate before Carson woke up and stopped me.

My heart shattered in my chest as his house disappeared from view.

God, please let him forgive me.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

~CARSON~

Here I am pacing back and forth, unable to keep still.  Nothing has come up.  No one has called.  She has not come back home.  It has been one
very
long week. My temper is non-existent.  No one wants to be around me and who can blame them.  Hell, I didn’t want to be around myself right now. I don’t know when the last time I ate was or slept for that matter.  Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her.

When I woke up that first morning, I reached out to her side of the bed looking for her.  When I found her spot empty, I shot up in the bed.  I tried to not fall asleep last night.  Something told me she was running.  Something said that whatever she was going through she didn’t want me involved.  That hurt me more than anything.  I flopped back on the bed and my arm hit something on her pillow.  Honestly, I was afraid to look at it.  I was afraid she was going to tell me she didn’t love me and that it was over and to leave her alone.  Lifting the paper up, I began to read the note.

Dearest Love,

I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to do this and not tell you everything, but I can’t.  I have to take care of this on my own.  I will not be responsible for more hurt coming your family’s way.  Carson, I love you.  Please do not doubt that.  It is because I love you that I am doing this.  Remember when I told you that my mom left a lot of baggage on me. 
Well, I’m taking care of the dangerous baggage now.

With this baggage gone and out of the way, I won’t have to run anymore.  I will finally be free.  If I don’t take care of this…I ha
ve two options; stay and you get hurt or run away and hurt you and myself.  I couldn’t let either happen.  So I will be leaving, but I will be coming back.

I can almost hear her mumbling hopefully after saying she will be coming back.  It made me chuckle a little.

I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for this.  There was no other option for me.  If I would have told you, you would have wanted to get involved and I can’t have that happening.

I love you.  I will be home soon.  As I sign this letter, I pray that you will still want me when I return.

Love,

Your
Angel

Over the course of this week, I can’t even remember how many times I have read that note.  I
had immediately ran to Jason with the letter and tried to get him to track her phone, but it did no good.  She didn’t have her phone with her.  My one way to find her and she left it behind, I was going out of my mind.  All sorts of different scenarios as to what is happening to her have crossed my mind.  Each one was making me angrier than the last.

Day Two
of her being gone had me kicked out of the gym and suspended for a week because I got into it with Tommy again.  Tommy picked the wrong day to smart off and I laid him out on the floor fast. Let him make another bitch ass comment about me or my girl and see what happens.  I am so sick of his attitude.  Hell, I didn’t even know what his issue with me was, but whatever it was he hated me.

Day Three
of her being away left me feeling empty.  The anger was starting to pass and the sadness was creeping in.  In just the almost three months we’ve been together (I’m including the two months of talking), I got used to hearing her voice and now sharing a bed with her.  My house was empty without her in it.

Day Four
had my family at my house yelling at me for acting like this.  Hell, they even yelled at me for letting her go off like she did.  I wasn’t the only one that has gotten attached to having her around.  My family loved her too.  They were all pissed that I would just let her disappear like that.  If I could have stayed awake that night, it might be a completely different story.  Though part of me wonders if I would have been able to talk her out of it even then.

Day Five
left me working out far too much and pulling a muscle in my leg.  It was an injury that I could have stopped if I cared to stop myself.  I wasn’t eating or drinking much of anything lately and then overdoing the workout on already strained muscles.  I just didn’t care right now.

Day Six and Seven
were my mopping days.  They were the only days my parents allowed me to be left alone and stay at home.  I kept checking my phone and security cameras and nothing. There was a physical pain in my chest.  I just want my girl back. 

Where the hell was she?

So here I sit eight days after she left in the middle of the night pacing my living room.  I missed her so damn much.  With every fiber of my being, I ached for her.  My family was insisting I go to some damn cookout they were having.  They weren’t allowing me to sit around anymore.  They threatened to drag me out of the house physically if I didn’t show up at the park as scheduled.  My dad and brothers dragging me out of the house didn’t sound like anything I wanted to experience so unfortunately I had no choice, but to leave the house.

Just as I was getting ready to leave, my phone rings and my brother informs me that the cookout was canceled due to the rain.  I walked out on my porch, I stared down toward my gate and just willed her to show up.  That first night when she came over after her attack, I see her running to me. 
I looked up into the rain and let it fall on my face.  As I stood in the rain, I prayed it’d wash this all away and she’d walk up the drive safely to me.  As long as I was in the rain, every seed of doubt that she wasn’t coming back washed away with each drop of water.

A
roar was dying to come out.  I turned and made my way back inside.  Stripping out of my wet clothes, I stepped into the shower. The roar escaped from deep within me, I placed my hands on the wall for support as I felt myself crumbling inside. It was a roar that shook me to the core. For the first time in eight days, I just let it all go. Hanging my head down between my outstretched arms, I let the shower rain over me.  I was hoping that with it, it would take the pain, but that was never going to happen.  The pain was burned into me.  It would only be relieved one way and that little voice in the back of my head started screaming that she wasn’t coming back.

When she left, she not only took herself out of the door to my house, but she took my heart…my world with her.  She was my everything and now here I stand with nothing.  When we started talking about her past, I thought for sure she wasn’t going to push me away anymore.  For the first time, I thought that we were both going to get our happily ever after.

God, I love her so much!

Stepping out of the shower, I grabbed a towel and I avoided the mirrors at all cost.  Walking into my walk-in closet I grabbed out so
me sweat pants and I slipped them on.  I stood there a moment and saw the empty section.  I had made room for her belongings.  Hell, I did more than that; I opened up myself to her…letting her in my soul.  For what?  For her to walk out playing the martyr, saying she’ll be right back, but eight days have passed and nothing has happened.  I’m still sitting here torn apart from the inside out.

Entering the living room, I was just about to flop in my chair and stare out the windows like I always do when the buzzer to my gate broke through my thoughts.  I froze.
 

Oh God, could it finally be her?  Has my
Angel flown back to me?

Bypassing the intercom, I ran outside.  It was only now that
I cursed my drive being so long.  I rounded the bend and the gate came into view.  Stopping in my frantic run when I saw who waited for me on the other side of the gate.

“What are you doing here?” I sneered.

“I came to check on you.”

“
Well, you shouldn’t have.  Get the fuck away from my house.” I snapped.

Turning I started to move back up to my
house; my steps just as heavy as my heart and moving just as slowly.

“I could help you forget her, you know?”

Without turning around I yelled, “No you couldn’t.  You don’t compare to her and never will. Now get your trashy ass off my property.”

There was no mistaking she called me an asshole and threw some threats out there, but I just didn’t care anymore.  She was pissing me off.  Every time I
turn around, I have seen her.  She hurt my Angel.  There was no sympathy for her.  She was after something.  I just haven’t figured out what.

Slamming my door behind me, I knew better than to get excited about the intercom buzzer.  She wasn’t coming back.
It has been eight days.  There has been no contact and she hasn’t shown up.  Why would she show up now?  Shaking my head, I had to hold on.  She was my forever girl.  I can’t give up hope so easily.  I just wish I knew where she was.

Day Nine
, I woke up with a terrible pain in my back.  Sleeping on the couch really was not helping my not being able to sleep, but I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the bed.  It was just too empty without her.  Every time I looked at the bed, I remembered all the times we made love and all the mornings I woke up with her in my arms.  It was just too much to handle.

Making my way down to my gym, I moved slower.  It was like my life was slowly being pulled from me the longer she was gone.  In just three months, Colleen had really gotten under my skin and into my soul.  There was no one else, but
her.  Believe me, I have been down to the bar a few times, thinking I will just fuck her out of my head, heart and soul.  All I ended up doing was getting myself wasted and my brother having to come get me to bring me and truck home.

There was no one out there for me, but Colleen.  I began to punch the bag in my gym.  This bag has seen so much aggression from me over the course of time, but today I just have no fight in me.  My world was falling apart and with it I was falling.  Hell at this point I wouldn’t even shelter myself from falling debris. Why bother?

I wanted so badly to be angry with her.  Part of me even wanted to hate her for what she has done, but I couldn’t.  If roles were reversed I think I would have done the same thing to save her.

“But I could defend myself and wasn’t still recovering from an attack,” I yelled as I punched the bag with more anger.

I hit with my right then my left. I brought up my knee, keep pushing, this energy coming from deep within.  The anger of not knowing what was happening and that she went into this alone.  The anger at what could be happening to her to keep her away this long.  The hurt that she didn’t trust me enough to help her.

“Why didn’t you trust me,” I panted as I rested my hands on my knees.

“She did trust you.”

I whirled around to find
Kayla, standing at the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you.  She did trust you.”

“No, Kay, she didn’t.  If she had trusted me she would have let me help her.  She would have told me what the hell was going on!  Instead, she makes love to me the night before knowing she was going to crawl out of that bed and leave me.  How in the hell is that trusting me!”

“She let you in Carson.  Just because she didn’t want you to fight her battle does not mean she doesn’t trust you.  She wants to keep you safe.  She doesn’t want you or the rest of us hurt and I will
not
let you think bad of her just because you’re hurting.  I can almost bet you that she is hurting just as much as you.  I bet she misses you just as much.”

I fell down to my knees and Kayla hurried to my side.  “I miss her so damn much.  What if she’s hurt?
  What if whoever this was she went to has kil…What if she’s de…”  I couldn’t finish my sentence.

“No you can’t think like that.  You have to keep up faith for her, for yourself.  Believe she will be back, Carson.  Don’t give up on her.  Don’t think like that.  Those thoughts will eat you alive.”

The past nine days wore on me and as my sister hugged me, I had nothing left in me.  Exhaustion was leaving me weak and unstable.  How was I supposed to keep fighting for her here if I didn’t even know if she was fighting for me there or wherever she was?

“Curry, I hate seeing you like this.  Let it all out though
, cry if you need to.  I’m here for you.”

We spent the rest of the day talking about Colleen, but mostly other things.  It was good to hang out with my sister and just laugh. The last time we had done that was far too many years ago. It was nice seeing Kayla happy and smiling.  I knew Jason was to thank for that.

Day Ten,
it was a little easier to wake up this morning.  I slept in our bed for the first time.  Kayla was right.  I needed to relish the memories not try and stop them from coming.  For lunch, I made my way to the park for the family picnic.  My heart still ached and I had to force a smile, but I had to stay strong for Colleen, wherever she was.

My heart began to question if she was ever coming back as the day went on. My positive attitude was falling as I watched Kayla and Jason together and my mom and dad.  Even a couple of my brothers had brought dates with them.

Is she ever going to come back or am I just wasting my damn time?