Fantasyland 03 Fantastical (40 page)

But I was dying. Dying inside, I could feel
it.

Slowly, I walked through the bathroom,
opened the door then walked out the door, through the bedroom and
into my living room. I heard the murmuring voices and stopped,
leaning against the wall to hold myself up. Then I listened.

“I’m worried,” Mom whispered.

“Me too,” Phoebe whispered back. “It gets
worse every day.”

“Is she taking her vitamins?” Dad asked as
if vitamins would help with
this
.

“I don’t know. She picked up the
prescription the doctor gave her when he confirmed her pregnancy. I
took her to get them myself. But I don’t know if she’s taking
them.” Mom said.

“One of us should stay with her all the
time,” Dad stated. “Make sure she’s taking her vitamins. Make sure
she’s sleeping. Make sure she’s eating.”

“Agreed,” Phoebe said instantly. “I can move
in, sleep here at night.”

“I can take the days,” Mom added.

“We’ll do weekends, Phoebe, give you a
break,” Dad told my friend and I closed my eyes again.

I couldn’t endure another weekend without
Tor. I didn’t know if I could endure another second without him
much less another whole week.

“She has that other Cora’s money, Phoebe,”
Dad went on. “But Dara and I saved twenty-five grand for Cora’s
wedding. You, Harold and Marlene find someone who knows something,
who can help and they won’t do it without getting paid, you need
it, you add that, you hear?”

I opened my eyes.

My Dad. God, he was such a great, freaking
guy.

And twenty-five grand for my wedding? That
was way cool and that would have given me a kickass wedding, what
he knew I always wanted.

Yeah, my Dad was a great, freaking guy.

“Yeah, Forrest,” Phoebe whispered.

There was silence then from Mom, her voice
dripping with concern, “If she’s going through this, what’s Tor
going through?”

I twisted my neck to press my cheek against
the wall.

The very thought of that hurt too because I
knew he was experiencing the same thing. My mighty warrior prince,
struck low with this hideous pain. No one could endure this, no
one, not even him.

And certainly not me.

“She told me she holds half his soul and
he’s feeling the same as she is,” Phoebe answered my Mom.

“God, that man, I can’t imagine –” Mom
whispered.

“Don’t,” my father cut in. “Only imagine a
solution to this problem. Phoebe and her friends will find a way.
Negative thinking never helped anything.”

“You’re right, my love,” Mom whispered.

“I know, my love,” Dad whispered back.

My love.

I could take no more.

I forced myself forward and stopped in the
kitchen doorway, seeing three pairs of startled eyes turn to me,
eyes that were set in haggard, worried faces.

“You should be lying down,” Mom ordered,
bustling forward.

“I need some alone time,” I told her.

“Sweetie, you can have it, go to your room
and –” Mom began.

“I need you guys to leave,” I announced, her
eyes got big and her torso shifted back.

“Cora, sweetie, that’s not –”

“I know you’re worried about me, I heard you
talking and even if I didn’t, it’s impossible to miss. And okay,
you want to watch over me, that’s cool. But give me an hour. Just
an hour. I just need to rest and clear my head and not think of you
in here whispering or worrying. I just need to be alone and quiet
for an hour. Then you can come back. Can you give me that?”

“We can be quiet here, sweetheart,” Dad said
softly.

“It’s not the same, Dad,” I replied.

“Cora, you’re not too –” Phoebe began and
that was when I lost it.

I’d been holding it together, holding it by
a thread, holding onto that thread for two weeks, living for two,
long weeks with the constant feeling that thread was going to slip
from my fingers. And, just then, I lost hold of that thread. It
wasn’t nice, it wasn’t good but that was when I lost it.

“
I know what I am, all right?
” I
shouted, shut my eyes against the worry on their faces and nodded
my head sharply once. I opened my eyes and looked at them. “I’m
hurting and I’m sorry and none of this is in anyone’s control and
you’re all dragged into it and you’re worried about me and you’re
giving up time and energy and it’s making me feel guilty on top of
everything else and I just need to be
free
of that. Just for
an hour.”

“You didn’t do anything to feel guilty for,
honey,” Mom said quietly and I looked at her.

“I know that Mom but that doesn’t make me
feel any less guilty,” I returned, she bit her lip and I sucked in
another painful breath and snatched back that thread, holding onto
it for dear life.

Then I said gently, “I’m sorry. I love you
guys. I loved you before you went all out to help me, to help Tor,
worrying about me. I’ll
always
love you, no matter what
happens. But can I just have an hour to try to forget? Can I just
have an hour alone? And then we can all go back to worrying.”

And, for me, go back to the pain… though the
pain never left.

Ever.

They all stared at me.

“Just an hour,” I whispered. “Please?”

Mom looked at Dad. Dad looked at Mom. Phoebe
studied me.

Then Dad’s eyes came to me. “Fine,
sweetheart, one hour. Just one.”

I slouched against the doorjamb such was my
relief. “Thanks, Dad.”

He came forward, wrapped a hand around the
back of my head, pulled me to him and kissed my forehead. Mom came
forward, squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. Phoebe came forward
and gave me a tight hug.

Then they left and they did this without me
leaving the doorway.

After I heard the door close, I stared for a
long time at my kitchen which was still full of Tor’s food. I was
taking my vitamins (of course I was, forcing them down for the
baby) and I had been eating. I wasn’t hungry but I was pregnant so
I was eating for our child. But Tor bought so fucking much
food…

I closed my eyes against the memory. Then I
moved to the couch, laid down, grabbed the remote, turned on my
stereo and did what I’d done what had to be a million times since
he was torn away from me.

I played “Crash into Me” which was already
queued up and ready to go.

When it was done, I played it again.

And when it was done, I played it again.

And again.

“Baby,” I whispered to the ceiling, the
tears streaming out the sides of my eyes, down my temples,
drenching my hair, “come back to me. Find some way to come back to
me. I swear, swear,
swear,
if you come back to me, I won’t
ever vex you again. Never again. I won’t be overly friendly to
people who are common and I won’t save half-dead birds and I won’t
sneak apples to Salem in the stables… or to
all
the horses
in the stables though I don’t think you knew I did that… and I
won’t rumple children’s hair. I’ll be the perfect princess. I’ll be
your perfect princess. I’ll live every second doing everything I
can to make you feel nothing but happiness, to make you want to do
nothing but smile your beautiful, beautiful smile. I swear. I
swear,
” I forced through my blocked throat
.
“Just
come back… honey, come back and crash into me.”

My throat clogged, there came a loud banging
at my door and I jumped.

Jeez, that couldn’t have been an hour.

Heaving a sigh, I rolled off the couch,
moved to the door and looked out the peephole.

Oh my God!

My heart flew into my throat, I unlocked the
door, threw it open and flung myself in Tor’s arms.

“Baby,” I whispered, my arms around his
shoulders, my face in his neck, my body pressing into his as I felt
his hands, his big, strong fingers close around my hips. “Honey, oh
God, I missed you. God, baby,” I moaned in his throat.

“Cora?” his beautiful voice sounded, I
pulled my face from his neck, moved my hands to either side of his
head and then pulled him to me, pressing my mouth to his, I slid my
tongue inside and I kissed him. Burrowing deep into his body,
holding onto his head tight, I kissed him with everything I
had.

His arms closed around me, he shuffled me
into the apartment while still kissing me and I vaguely felt and
heard him close the door with his foot.

I slid my hands to his neck and pulled away,
looking into his gorgeous, light blue eyes.

“Let’s go to bed. Right now. Hurry, I need
you, honey. Like our first time, just like then, I need you
now,
” I whispered frantically, wanting him,
needing
to be connected to him, as close as I could get. I was moving
backwards, trying to take him with me but his body locked and he
held firm.

Then he spoke.

“Jesus, babe, what’s got into you? Two weeks
ago you blow me off and now you’re all over me. What the fuck?”

I yanked out of his arms, took two steps
back, my eyes scanning his face.

No scar.

Not Tor.

Noc.

I closed my eyes and dropped my head so my
face was in my hands.

Not Tor.

Noc.

Bloody hell! I was going to start crying
again.

I was right. I started crying again. The
tears came back, the pain came back and my shoulders started
heaving, wracked with my sobs.

“Cora, fuckin’ hell, what –?” Noc asked
softly, his arms sliding around me but I tore away from him, moving
quickly back two more steps, lifting a hand.

“Stay away from me!” I yelled and his face
switched instantly from concern to anger.

“What’s with the multiple personalities,
babe?” he asked, crossing his arms on his chest.

I stared at him. God, except for the scar
and the words he used, he was the same. The absolute same. Every
inch of him, down to his voice.

Pain sliced anew, shredding me inside. I
couldn’t take it, I couldn’t endure him being there.

“Get out,” I whispered.

“See, that’s not gonna happen,” he told me,
dropped his arms, took a step toward me, I took a step back and he
stopped and put his hands to his hips. “You got somethin’ to tell
me?” he asked.

“No,” I replied honestly, “I don’t have
anything to tell you.”

“Nothin’ about an appointment with an
obstetrician and fillin’ a prescription for prenatal vitamins?” he
prompted, his jaw hard, his eyes glittering angry.

Oh shit.

He went on, “Babe, I used protection but
shit happens and I gotta know if the kid you’re carrying is
mine.”

“It isn’t,” I said swiftly.

“That’s interesting since I know you haven’t
been with anyone else but me.”

Oh
shit.

“Well, you’re wrong, I have,” I
returned.

“Hard to do when I got your ass under
surveillance,” he told me and my mouth dropped open. “You’re eight
weeks pregnant and I know some other guy was around a couple weeks
ago but other than that, it was you, your shopping, your takeaway,
your games, your crazy-assed driving that nearly killed pedestrians
every time you got behind the fuckin’ wheel… and
me
.”

“You had me under surveillance?” I
whispered.

“Clue in, Cora, I’m a cop. Jesus, fuck, are
you that dumb?” he asked. “Christ, you found my fuckin’ badge,
looked right at it, held it in your hand for fuck’s sake, lookin’
at it like you’d never seen anything like that in your life. I was
comin’ out of the bathroom and I saw you. You put it right back
where you found it, diggin’ through my clothes, I might add, and
after, you didn’t change a thing. We were together for weeks after
that and you didn’t change one fuckin’ thing. Freaked me out,
didn’t know your game, didn’t expect to
be
at your place
with my badge but you jumped me and I had no choice but to roll
with it. And in the end it worked for me. No offense, babe, but you
aren’t too bright unless you’re countin’ cards so I figured, what
the fuck?”

Oh boy. Cora would do that because she’d
actually never seen anything like a badge in her life.

My back went straight and I informed him. “I
know you’re a cop.”

He jerked his chin up and his eyes went
hard. “So, you actually
aren’t
too bright and thought you
were playin’ me,” he decided then leaned in, his face carved from
stone. “Advice. You gotta get better at the game.” I stared at him
and he went on, “Like, say, that kiss you gave me before you booted
my ass out or, better, the one you just gave me.
That’s
bein’ better at the game.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked.
“Doesn’t this interfere with your investigation?”

“I brought down the games a week ago, babe.
My guess is, you sensed that shit was goin’ down since you packed
my stuff and stopped goin’ to the games. I thought you were history
and, sorry to say, I wasn’t too broken up about it. That was until
continued surveillance on you gave me the info you were goin’ to an
OB/GYN and gettin’ pregnancy vitamins. Unfortunately that meant I
had to come back.”

“Why were you continuing to watch me?”

“Because you like the game, Cora, you like
the money, you like the clothes and shoes and all that shit.” He
threw an arm out toward my bedroom. “You like it better, thinkin’
you’re fuckin’ someone over, counting cards. You get off on it. In
fact, I reckon it’s the only thing you get off on. You got off on
it so much, you didn’t even care you were fuckin’ a cop. You led me
to one racket; it’s in your blood, you need your fix, need it so
much you made me and, still, you didn’t stop so I knew you’d find
another game so we stayed on you.”

Oh. That made sense. It was annoying but it
made sense.

Then a thought hit me. “Is it normal
operating procedure to sleep with people you’re investigating?”

He crossed his arms on his chest and his
eyes moved the length of me from top-to-toe and back again. “Babe,
you were all over me. You’re hot. I thought
it
would be hot.
It was not. But it went that way, you thought you had me by the
balls and I had to go the way it went.”