Fearless (20 page)

“Me? What do you mean? I’m the sorry son of a bitch who’s never here.” I’d caught an endless wave of grief about it from Jimmy in the past.

“Listen, here’s my idea; winter is right around the corner and you know winter in New York is cold as a witch’s tit, not to mention depressing. The last thing we want for Mom is for her to go through the gloomy, depressed time of year. Why doesn’t she come with you, at least for a little while, until you leave for Europe or wherever you are going? ”

I blinked, frozen in thought for a moment. I could feel Jimmy’s pleading eyes on me. Damn, I had just lined up my training schedule.

“My racing...”

“It would only be for a month or so, until she adjusts to everything.” I chewed my lower lip. I’d feel like such an ass if I said no.

“Look, that place has kept her sheltered, protected her against the reality of daily life. You don’t want her to have a relapse and get all depressed in an apartment by herself or something. She can’t just go out and not have any support from family.”

“I guess I just assumed she would stay with you and Sarah.”

“I can’t give Mom the attention she needs with a newborn around. I can take a little time off from work but that’s going toward the baby, not Mom. I think Sarah deserves that. I’d feel like I was cheating her if I weren’t focused on her and the baby one hundred percent. You know what I’m saying? Besides, we don’t have the room. That one extra bedroom you guys are staying in is the baby’s room.”

“So what are you suggesting?”

“Why don’t you take Mom to California? Kenny has an extra bedroom doesn’t he? She can stay there. Three or four weeks tops. Let her get some California sun. Look at the wonders it’s done for you. You are a freaking saint now.”

My mind whirled with different scenarios, how this could work. I tipped my glass to drain another couple ounces of beer, as if that would help me think.

I set the glass down and said, “That’s a lot of responsibility. She tried to commit suicide, what if she tries again?”

“The doctors put her on medication and there’s no way he would release her if that were the case.”

I nodded and took in a deep breath. “It all sounds good, but things will be hectic when I go back, with the transplant, and Kenny is in chemo. I hope I can give her enough attention.”

Jimmy reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder. The look in his eyes was soft and reassuring. “Listen bro, she just wants a little love. Trust me. She feels bad about failing you. If you can show her you don’t hold it against her, that would mean so much to her.”

My eyes were glued to my beer glass. My throat tightened with guilty emotions. I loved my mom. I realized that it was her depression that made her seem distant, all those years. But I had one particular childhood memory I held onto, of her gentle times. I’d play it over in my mind, every once in a while, so as not to forget. I was only a kid, not tall enough to meet her eyes. She’d lean down and kiss me on the top of my head and pull me into a hug. With her hand cupping the back of my head, I’d bury my face into her soft shirt and wallow in the bliss of motherly love. I couldn’t let her down now. I swallowed more beer to wash away the lump in my throat.

“Shit. Here I was, thinking I abandoned
her
.”

“You didn’t abandon her. You’re young, you have your career, and no one ever blamed you for anything, man. She’s damn proud of you, Jesse. Her depression…it’s nobody’s fault. That’s what her doctor explained to me. Don’t play the blame game. That’ll get you nowhere but knee deep in a steaming pile of shit.”

I chuckled. “What the fuck, you’re right, Jimmy. Mom and I could spend a little healing time together. And Kenny actually does have an extra bedroom for her.” I slapped my hand, palm down on the table top. “Let’s do it.”

Jimmy damn near looked like he was going to cry and said, “I can’t tell you how much I freaking love you, right now, for getting your act together, Jesse. Looking across this table I see my brother again. I don’t know what happened, but you better stick with this girl, cause she’s gold.”

“She’s a damn angel. I promise I’m not going to fuck things up like before.”

Chapter 21

Jesse

My heart was racing. Sweaty palms gripped the wheel of the rental car. I watched the familiar houses and buildings pass by as Niki and I drove to the care facility to talk to Mom. I filled Niki in on the plan Jimmy proposed yesterday and she agreed. I glanced over at her as I nosed the car into a parking space. I needed her eyes right now, to steady me. I took a breath and relaxed. I sat for what seemed like an eternity, with my hands still glued to the wheel.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

“You can, baby. You’re stronger than you think. She needs you in her corner.” Her soothing words relaxed me a little.

“You’re right; you’re right, absolutely right. I’m not the little kid brother anymore. I need to man up and be there for Mom.”

Once inside the care facility, a friendly yet mundane looking woman showed us to my mom’s room. The interior of the facility was sterile and institutional, but not as bad as I had thought. I got the creeps anyway, though, picturing my mom in here for much longer.

“Hey, Mom.” She was sitting in an overstuffed brown chair, much like one you would find in a family room, reading a book. At least the chair looked cozy; it didn’t matter that it clashed with the other dormitory style furniture.

“Jesse! Oh my God! I can’t believe my eyes.”

I was relieved to see her eyes were bright and she smiled easily. She stood up and I gave her a big hug. “Mom, this is my girlfriend, Niki. She’s from L.A. …but don’t hold that against her.”

“Oh Jesse, funny as always. Nice to meet you, Niki.” She smiled and gave me an inquisitive look.

“So nice to meet you too, Mrs. Morrison.” Niki said.

“Oh, call me Emily, sweetie. Sit down. I’m sorry the only place to sit is on the bed.” She took her seat in the large chair.

I cleared my throat and jumped right in. “So, Mom, I hear you get to come home.”

“Yes, it looks like I’m being released to the ‘normal’ people.” She gave a little laugh. “How about that, I’m suddenly normal.” She raised her eyebrows and Niki and I smiled.

“I talked to Jimmy about it and he suggested you and I take a vacation.”

“Vacation? What are you talking about?”

“You know he has the baby coming, and I would love to spend some time with you before my motorcycle training starts. And Niki needs to get back to fashion school in L.A., so I want you to come stay with me for a few weeks. A little California sunshine would do you a world of good.”

“Oh Jesse, I can’t do that. That’s all the way across the country! I’m not the type to go off all willy nilly and travel like that. I don’t want to impose on you and your girlfriend. Besides, where would I stay?”

“You’d stay with me, at Kenny’s, he has an extra room.”

She gasped and said, “No, I can’t stay with Kenny. You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“Why not?”

She looked down to her lap and twisted her fingers together. “It doesn’t matter, but I just can’t.”

“Listen, Mom, Kenny’s hardly going to be there. He will be in the hospital for his cancer treatment.”

Her head snapped up in surprise, her eyes wide. “What? Cancer?”

“Jimmy didn’t tell you?”

“No. Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Oh shit, this wasn’t good. I needed to do some damage control, pronto. But maybe I could use it to my advantage.

“He has leukemia and he’s very sick and he might not make it more than a month. Don’t you want to go with me and see him one more time?”

Niki smiled and I felt her elbow in my side. My mom sat for a minute with an empty look in her eyes.

“Mom, are you there?”

She scratched her head and pushed her hair out of her eyes. “Oh, my. I just…this is so much to take in. Just give me a moment to think.”

I stepped over in front of her chair and bent down on one knee, laying a hand on hers. I looked her in the eyes. “Mom, I would love to spend some time with you. Will you please come to California with me?”

“But what about Jimmy? I thought…”

“Mom, Sarah’s about to have her baby…I want you to come.”

She took a deep breath, looked up at the ceiling, and after a few more moments of silence, exhaled and said, “Alright. I’ll come.” She forced a smile as I stood up. “I have nowhere else to go. May as well come and be the meddlesome mother in your life in California.”

“Good. We leave on Friday. Do you need us to help you pack?”

“Do I look like I’m seventy years old? I can pack my own bags.”

“Okay, okay. I was just offering.”

I gave her a peck on the cheek and we all said good-bye. Niki and I left her standing in the door of her room, her hand touching her mouth, looking happy, yet bewildered.

“See you Friday morning.”

Chapter 22

Jesse

The jerk from the turbulence jolted Niki, sitting next to me. She pulled off her headphones. “Wow, you think it’s going to be like this all the way to LA?”

“This is nothing. You should have seen the turbulence I once experienced on my way to Paris.”

“Yeah, you keep mentioning that. What kind of turbulence was it?”

“Well, nothing like this, that’s for sure,” I grinned. “So are you sure I didn’t scare you away yet. I mean, that was some hectic trip, with the baby and all.”

“He is so adorable, but huge. I can’t believe he came out of...you know...Sarah.”

“I know.” Jesus Christ. “I’m so glad I’m a guy. I mean, oh my God...”

“Yeah, yeah, I get the picture, Jesse. Trust me, if men were the ones to give birth, I’m pretty sure we would be extinct by now. You guys can’t handle the pain.”

I didn’t answer. She was spot on. Men can take the pain of a punch to the face, kicks and bruises from a fight, or even a gunshot wound. But when it comes to internal organs, like a stomach ache or earache, we turn into whining little crybabies.

By the time the plane landed in LAX, I had managed to put all my doubts and worries behind me. The plan for Mom to come to Santa Monica was going like clockwork. There was a little turbulence on the plane but, overall, the flight gave Niki and me a long time to talk with my mom and for the two of them to really get to know each other.

Once we reached Kenny’s house, Mom seemed a little nervous, but Kenny was already checked into his hospital room for his bone marrow transplant procedure and the house was empty. She walked in the door and looked around his living room like she was Alice and had just fallen down the rabbit hole.

My part in the procedure would only require that I go into the hospital on the day of the transplant, to make my donation. Shit, it sounded like I was going to drop off old clothes at the Goodwill. I tried to think of it that way, since the idea of a big ass needle sucking shit out of my pelvic bone kind of turned my stomach. Niki offered to drive me and hold my hand through the entire ordeal, like I was a pussy and couldn’t stand the pain. I had been through worse pain riding Motocross. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted her with me all the time. Hell, I wanted her to be with me when I brushed my teeth or went for a haircut. Okay, I hardly ever get my hair cut, though I should. I just don’t give a shit and Niki seems to like my hair long.

But the doctors had assured me that I wouldn’t feel any pain and could leave the hospital that same day. Doctors are sneaky bastards though, they always promise no pain, then squeeze your balls or some shit like that.

I told Mom that Kenny would probably be in the hospital for weeks so she could take it easy and not worry about what to say to him after all this time. She suggested going to see him, but then changed her mind. I understood. Said she had to prepare herself first, so I let it go at that. She would tell me when she felt ready, no rush. I was just glad to have her around.

~*~*~*~

The roll-up garage door was strung with a brightly colored banner that welcomed Kenny home the day he was released from the hospital. He was pretty weak and slept a lot, but my mom was happy as a clam playing nursemaid to him in his waking moments. I wasn’t sure if they’d had much time to talk.

Almost every minute of my day was spent at Rookies, where Chase and I handled all the usual daily duties of running a business. Niki was a sweetheart and even came in after her classes to pitch in for a couple hours. Though I truly appreciated her efforts, I hoped her visits were more of an excuse to see me than anything else.

She even made Kenny a gag gift that she gave him before he went for his procedure. It was a fancy designer hospital gown she made for him to wear instead of those horrible rags with two strings they give people to wear. I don’t think he really wore the damn thing but I thought it was a brilliant business idea.

Everyone came to the party; Chase, Kat and a few old friends of Kenny’s from here in the Santa Monica area. It wasn’t the exact day he was released from the hospital, because we had to wait until he felt well enough to handle the excitement. The patio was decorated with colorful balloons and Niki had ordered a really nice cake from the bakery, decorated for the occasion. We had wanted to have the party at Rookies but Kenny hadn’t felt ready for that yet.

 Kat had brought her guitar and, as the sun was setting and the party died down, we sat around the family room listening to her play and sing a couple of her songs.

Niki was snuggled next to me on the couch, my arms around her, and half-finished plates of cake were left on the coffee table. Niki wiggled her shoulder against me, giving me a nudge, and glanced at my mom as she stood up to carry a dirty plate to the kitchen.

Niki whispered in my ear, “Babe, maybe you should go check on your mom. She seems a little sad.”

I heard the clatter of plates in the sink and stretched my neck up to look over the top of the couch. I saw her disappear into her bedroom but she didn’t shut the door.

“Go. I’ll clean up here.”

I nodded and released Niki from my arms.

I poked my head into her room. “Mom, are you okay?”