Fears and Scars (9 page)

Her hips rise, and she presses herself against my face. “Oh, please, Ryan,” she pleads, pulling at my hair. My cock pulses from the sound of my name on her lips. She writhes and pants as I feast on her for long moments. My tongue laps at her and circles her nub. I could worship her for hours, but I’m greedy for her pleasure so I press two fingers into her wet entrance and suck her swollen clit in a rhythm that I know will bring her to the brink almost instantly.

A primitive triumph fills my chest making my cock harden to painful proportions when I see pleasure flare throughout Liz’s body. She comes with a sharp keening, her thighs trembling as I keep work her harder, slipping my fingers in and out of her to milk every last drop of her climax.

After her breathing starts to calm, I kiss her thighs, her stomach, her breasts as her fingers run through my hair. Careful to keep my weight on my elbows, I lick, suck, and nip my way down her neck to her collarbone, the hardness of my erection throbs painfully against her belly as we kiss.

“Ryan,” she whispers, and our eyes tangle. Her unique eyes are focused on mine, and I stop breathing for a moment because Elizabeth looks at me as if she see all the way inside me and what she sees there awes her. She looks at me like I’m everything she’s ever dreamed of.

Warmth spreads through my chest, holding my heart in a tight grip.

No one has ever looked at me like that.

“My Liz.” My words are barely a whisper.

This is what I wanted to show her: that no matter what’s happening in our lives, no matter how much our bodies are consumed by pursuing primal pleasure, searching for long-awaited release, the connection we have, the love we share is always there. It’s in our every move, every breath, every kiss, and every sound that leaves our lips. The feeling is so intense it pours out of us.

A ghost of a smile forms on her lips, and I know she feels it too. Always.

God, I don’t know what I did to deserve such happiness.

“Love me, Ryan,” my fiancée murmurs, her eyes bright with passion.

I position my cock at her entrance. A growl escapes me when I bury the head of my dick in her wetness. “So damn tight.” My voice sounds so low and throaty; I barely recognize it.

I watch Liz’s face as I slide in farther, slowly allowing her to adjust to my size until I’m seated balls-deep. “I can hardly fit, and it feels so fucking good.”

I rear back, almost coming out of her completely, and then drive forward again, filling her with each thrust of my hips as my hand pressed her thighs against my body.

It’s such an extraordinary feeling: her body cradling my cock.

My lips worship her neck as my hands roam her skin.

“Ryan, more,” Liz pants as her hips rise up to meet mine. Her hands skate down my back, exploring until they come to my ass. She grips it as I move inside her, sliding in and out in a smooth rhythm, her moans grow louder and louder. It’s so fucking perfect.

I struggle to hold back the wild and hungry beast inside me. It feels like I might actually die if I don’t fuck her like I mean it. My forehead drops to hers, and I kiss her softly to remind her how much I love her before I lose all sense and reason. Then I roll us to the side and start fucking her hard with her leg over my hip, burying myself repeatedly in her velvet pussy. Her breasts shift with each movement, and I lick at her hardened nipples, first one and then the other.

She claws at my back and mutters, “Just like that. Oh, God, yes. Ryan …” Her words are winded and frantic, and then her muscles tighten around me, squeezing as she drops her head back and cries out beneath me. She isn’t shy about letting me know how good it feels when the purest of pleasures course through her body.

I join her moments later, pressing my lips to her neck and groaning out her name as my climax jolts through me, a million tiny lightning bolts dancing behind my eyelids.

When our breathing slows and the pleasure settles to a pleasant hum, I raise myself up on my right hand to look down at her. She gazes up at me and smiles a lazy, sated smile. I smile back and brush her damp hair from her forehead.

“I don’t ever want to leave the warmth of your body.”

We kiss lazily as I stroke her cheek with my thumb.

“Thank you for reminding me.”

“Reminding you what?”

“That when we have sex, our hearts are always in the mix. That our hearts are speaking through our fingertips, lips, and bodies. Right?”

I roll us over, taking her with me. Her hair falls around us like a golden curtain. Liz giggles, and I kiss her cheek tenderly before answering, “Yeah. It’s been like that from the very start, and it’ll always be like that, sweetheart.”

“
D
avid
, I’m very grateful you told me the truth about my parents. I really am. And I hate to tell you this, but I can’t see you anymore,” I say thinking it’s best to skip the formalities and get right to the point.

There’s no need to drag it out. He needs to leave Moscow. After yesterday’s disastrous run-in at the hotel, he’s been calling and texting me non-stop trying to apologize.

Of course Ryan wasn’t thrilled when I told him I was going to meet David for one last lunch. I may or may not have taken a page from Nina’s book and resorted to giving Ryan some oral pleasure in the shower this morning to coerce him into letting me go without a fight.

David puts the coffee cup down and looks me in the eye. “I’m truly sorry about what I said at the hotel, Ellie. I was completely out of line.”
Yes, you were, buddy.
“But I know it’s not you talking. He forbid you to see me. That’s ridiculous.”

The desire to slap him again is huge, but I like the food at this little café too much to make a scene here.

“He has a name, David. And Ryan didn’t forbid me from doing anything. I worked hard to build what I have here, and since your arrival, you’ve been trying to ruin everything. That’s not how you treat your friends.”

“That’s what you think? I wasn’t trying to ruin anything for you. I’m sorry if I …” He shakes his head. “Ellie, you said goodbye to me a long time ago. The truth is, all these years I had this illusion about us. Cut me some slack.”

His voice has a hint of anger and bitterness behind it that makes my stomach knot. It wasn’t my fault he held onto some fantasy about us, and I shouldn’t feel bad. But I do.

“Losing you is the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

“No it’s not, David. It shouldn’t be. I’m sorry for hurting you …” I trail not knowing how to end my thought. I hate that he’s suffering because of me, but there’s nothing I can do.

“I get it,” he says, his voice low and full of emotion. “You can’t make yourself love someone. I just wish it was a deserving man who got everything I’ve ever wanted. I know you see this hidden light or whatever in Price, but I know better. I’m not blindsided with lust or feelings. I see things as they are. And I can’t understand why
him
. Why’re you always forgiving
him
everything?”

His remarks make me defensive. The pain I feel for my old friend mixes with anger at him diminishing the value of the man I love. Ryan deserves me. In fact, he deserves so much more than the crying, grieving, damaged goods that I am.

I grit my teeth and let out a long breath through my nose. “I never asked you to like him, David. I wanted you in my life, but being unable to be civil with my future husband is kind of a deal breaker.”

“I’m trying to open your eyes. I only ever lied to you once, and you haven’t forgiven me.”

Is he for real?

“You cheated on me, David.” My words come out in a hiss, “I found out my classmate’s sister was pregnant with your child the day before our wedding!”

“She lied. It wasn’t mine.”

“That doesn’t change—”

“I know,” he snaps, slamming his fist down the table. People from nearby tables turn their heads in our direction with looks of curious concern. David is quick to apologize. “Sorry. I know it doesn’t change anything. Getting drunk that night … and what I did. It was awful, but it was one stupid mistake. So, why have you forgiven him?”

“Are you for real?” He hit my last nerve. Ignoring his pained expression, I ask him, “How can you compare what you did with Ryan’s hesitation to tell me about my adoption? He wasn’t a selfish dick like you. He just wanted to protect me.”

David flinches from my biting words.

“You can’t even imagine how many things he’s still hiding from you. Did he tell how blackmailing people is his hobby? Did you know his father died from a suspicious, sudden heart attack? How do you know your precious fiancé wasn’t involved?”

“This is ridiculous.” I cut my gaze over to our waiter, who is hovering nearby. I quickly signal to him to bring our check.

Why am I even wasting my time explaining myself? I don’t owe David anything. I wanted to say goodbye and part on pleasant terms, but it looks like friendship isn’t something we can pursue in the future.

“He lied to you about the house, Ellie. He bought the house you sold using one of his companies’ names and never told you about it. I found out this morning. Just imagine how many lies he’s feeding you every day.”

Everything stops.

“My parents’ house? Ryan bought my parents’ house?” I ask, completely dumbfound.

“He did. Pretty sure he’ll have another noble explanation for that one. Wanted it to be a surprise, thought you’d want to have it.” David pauses when the check arrives. As soon as we’re alone again, he continues. “It’s your life, and it’s your choice who you decide to be with. Just … don’t give your trust so easily, Ellie. I beg you.”

I nod on autopilot, tons of questions swirling in my head. Did Ryan really buy the house? The most terrifying thing is that I’m almost certain he did. It sounds like something Ryan would do. How haven’t I thought of that sooner?

“I’m leaving tomorrow. I already booked a plane ticket.”

“Oh.” I’m so shocked I can’t even react to this information.

Am I glad David is leaving? I’m definitely relieved. I’m so over his ‘noble’ revelations.

For a moment, he watches my face and clears his throat. “I screwed up your life enough as it is, and me being here … well, we can’t be friends anymore, can we, Ellie?”

I cut my eyes toward him. It stinks that nothing right ever came from his good intentions. I swallow hard and blow out a long breath. “I don’t know, David. I honestly don’t know.”

His face falls like a house of cards. And the pain I see in his eyes echoes in my chest. No matter how selfish he’s been lately, and despite the fact that I’m starting to realize he’s been taking advantage of my unhealthy desire to please Mom and Dad since he came to Moscow, David’s been my friend for fifteen years, and it isn’t easy to see him hurt.

He smiles sadly at me from across the table and stands up. I expect him to leave when he gathers his coat and tosses some bills on the table, but he stops and takes my hand in his. “No matter what, please remember I’ll always love you. If you need anything, I’ll always be there.”

“Goodbye, David.” I manage through the lump in my throat, my voice a whisper.

“Goodbye, my Ellie.” David’s voice is strong when he lets go of my hand. Then, without another word or backward glance, he walks out the door. As my eyes follow his retreating form, I wish him all the best and hope this time he’s said his final good-bye to ‘his Ellie’—the girl who only exists in his memories.

I order another cup of coffee needing some time to make sense of everything.

From the moment I met Ryan four months ago, my feelings for him have been overwhelming. Everything between us has been so intense. It still is. Maybe David is right, and I only see the good.

No. I know my fiancé can be a bossy and stubborn ass, but I call him on it every time. I know he has jealousy issues and no concept of boundaries from time to time, and his feelings toward me can border on obsession sometimes. I may have a love/hate relationship with his domineering and possessive sides, but I know how to deal with all of this.

There’s no way I want to think of Ryan as deceitful or dishonest. That’s not the person he is. The Ryan I know is nothing but good. But then again, how many times does he have to lie to me before I see it? See that he’s toying with my life, playing the cards he considers right?

W
hen I arrive
at our suite half an hour later, I barely manage to take my coat off before Ryan backs me up against the wall, slides his hands into my hair, and crashes his mouth onto mine.

His tongue parts my lips and slides into my mouth as he grips me by the back of my neck. His mouth is demanding and rough as his taste floods me. Damn. I feel the kiss in my toes.

As I try to catch my breath, he presses his body against mine and sucks his way down the length of my neck.

“I missed you,” he whispers into my skin.

“You lied to me,” I whisper back.

My words make him stop and look at me, his searing eyes still hooded with lust.

I place my hands flat on his solid, naked chest and push him back. “David told me the truth.”

Ryan’s eyes search mine for a moment, and then he releases me and takes a step back. “What truth?”

“That you bought my house. The one I thought I sold to some happy family,” I answer without trying to mask the disappointment that I’m sure can be read in every line on my face.

Ryan mutters a curse and runs his hand through his wet hair. He looks like he’s just showered. His hair is slicked back, and he’s wearing grey jeans that hang loosely on his waist. I can see the band of his Calvin Klein underwear sticking out of his jeans.

“Did you really lie to me all this time? Why?” I demand a bit harsher than necessary, ignoring his delicious muscles on display.

Ryan doesn’t answer right away, his throat working as he swallows. “Liz, I knew you needed the money and you wouldn’t take it from me.”

So, it’s true. He did it. He also flat-out lied to me repeatedly for months.

“So, it was okay to just trick me into something you wanted?” I whisper through the ache his admission has carved in my chest.

“Baby, it wasn’t like that.” His voice holds an edge as if he realizes it was exactly like that. Ryan is used to manipulating people. I just thought I wasn’t one of them.

“Explain then.”

“Back in France you were so upset when you talked about selling the house, and I thought it was a good idea.”

That’s his explanation? “A good idea to lie to me?”

“No. Of course, not. I saw your decision was based on the financial side of things rather than your willingness to say goodbye.”

It’s true that money was the first factor in making that decision, but I also was ready. I didn’t want to hold on to the past. And I didn’t want Ryan to swoop in and make a decision for me. A huge decision that was mine to make.

“It was my decision, Ryan. And my right to do what I thought was best. Hell, I even asked for your advice.”

“Liz …” He struggles to find the right words. “I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“You weren’t. Lying is never the right thing.”

His eyes meet mine and offer a million silent apologies. His Adam’s apple bobs as he visibly debates his next words. “I had no other choice, Liz.”

I stand there looking at the man I’m desperately in love with and remember all the lies he ever told me—the job he offered me that didn’t exist, the private investigator he hired to follow me in Paris, the letters to my parents he read without my permission, the truth he hid about the adoption. I have no right to be angry at him for something I’d already forgiven him for, but I am. I so am. All his lies are too much. My imagination paints a thousand more secrets he’s hiding.

“Of course you had a choice. Can’t you see that you constantly lying to me is wrong on so many levels?” My voice is full of the desperation that has invaded every cell of my body.

“I wanted to tell you the truth, but I couldn’t. I had to lie. How can you not see that I had to?”

“Had to lie? Are you for real?”

“Yes. I had to lie. I’m a weak man when it comes to you. The mere thought of hurting you brings me to my knees. So if you’re angry with me because I love you, then I can’t do anything about it. When there comes a day when I don’t care how my words affect you, that will be our end, Liz. I’m sure that day will never come. I’ll always protect you no matter the cost.”

“So, you’re saying you’re going to continue lying and hiding things from me? I’m not your toy.”

“How do you expect me to be completely honest with you when there are things we can’t discuss? Why don’t you want to acknowledge you have a brother?”

“God, Ryan, not this again.” He’s been pushing me to talk about Jacob for days even though I don’t want to talk about him. Not yet. I need time to figure it all out. “Your pushiness has no bounds! I asked you to leave him alone.”

“Your brother. You can’t even say those words.” His firm statement angers me.

“My half-brother. The one I’ve never seen. Happy?”

“Mark’s my half-brother, and it’s solely your decision not to see Jacob.”

“Our situations are completely different, Ryan. Don’t compare Mark to Jacob. You were raised together. I thought I was the only child for twenty-two years. What do you expect me to do?”

“To acknowledge that you have a brother, to talk about him with me.”

“You want me to talk about him? All right! What do you want me to say? That I’m happy he exists? That I want to meet him? Well, I’m not
you
, and I won’t lie. Jacob was raised by a woman who abandoned me, gave me away and never looked back. I was lucky my parents turned out to be the best parents in the world, but things might have turned out differently. I’m so angry she had another baby only six years later and kept him. I’m jealous and mad, even though I realize she was in an entirely different situation. If I decide I want to get to know Jacob, how do you imagine it will end? He probably wants nothing to do with me, just like his mother. So no, I don’t want talk about him. That’s how I feel. Happy?”

I’m breathing hard when I finish my speech, surprising both Ryan and myself with the truth. God, what a horrible person I am for feeling like that.

Ryan moves toward me, but I hold my hands to block him.

“Liz, he’d be a fool not to want to know you better.”

The unmasked sympathy in his eyes makes me cringe. I don’t deserve pity for being an awful human being.

“Ryan, that’s the last I want to hear of Jacob. I’m not ready, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be. Plus, he isn’t the issue here.”

“I am,” he states the obvious.

“Your constant lying is,” I clarify. “It’s a deal breaker. I get why you hid the truth about my parents, but what about the house? Why did you buy it? I was ready to sell. I made the decision. I even mourned it.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing, Liz.”

It feels like all my arguments are useless. I concentrate on my hands when I tell him, “Ana texted me and asked if I could go into work for a few hours. She needs my help. Plus, I need some time to think.”

When Ryan takes a step toward me, leans forward and cradles my face in his hands, I close my eyes. His palms are so large and warm. Always craving intimacy with him, I let myself have this moment of tenderness.

“I get that I screwed up, and I get that you need time to forgive me. I just don't understand why you’re running from me.”

When I open my eyes and meet his gaze, I can’t contain my truth. “Because you consume me, okay? Can’t you see that I can’t think straight when you’re around?”

“For me it’s quite the opposite,” he says softly, “I feel like I think clearly only when you’re with me. I’m so fucking glad you consume me, and I don’t fight it, baby. I bathe in it.”

His words hit my chest with such force it’s hard to breathe. If we keep this up, his words, his touches, and the desperation in his eyes will disarm me. My attraction to this man will scramble my sense of self-preservation.

“Ryan,” I plead, “Just give me some time. I have to go. I’ll be back soon.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, right?” he asks when I’m almost out of the door.

“Sometimes what you’re doing is too much.”