Fears and Scars (5 page)

“
T
he shareholders aren’t
happy with our decision to sell two hotels in Europe,” my brother informs me on a Saturday morning.

We’ve been video chatting for two hours now, discussing business and the next steps in opening my architectural company. I must admit, I like working long-distance. Maybe because I don’t have to go to the office every day, or because my brother took a huge part of my previous workload on his shoulders. Either way, I’m one very happy man.

“They hate that I’m the acting CEO and secretly think you lost your mind when you appointed me and moved to Russia. Your frequent video conferences with a cat on your lap don’t help, bro, but who the hell cares, right? You hold the controlling shares, so the choice’s basically only yours.”

“You still think it’s a good decision?” I’m not asking him to be polite. I really value Mark’s professional opinion these days. Seeing him run a corporation so effortlessly these past four months as if he’s done it his whole life … Well, he could give even me a run for my money in the business world.

“Yeah, man. I’m sure we’re making the right move. Looks like the new project in the Caribbean is going to be a success. Plus, I found investors in Beijing ready to work with us, so I’m all good here.” Excitement is evident on Mark’s face and in his voice.

It’s a miracle how my little brother has matured since the summer. He’s been working almost non-stop as the acting CEO of Price Corp, always at the office, always full of new ideas. Seeing him thriving on work is so much better than watching him get his thrills through the sexual conquests he’s known for.

“That’s good. Very good.”

“After the sale, you’ll have more than enough money to get started on your dream. Just email me your final decision on the location when you have time, and I’ll have the list of possible office buildings by Tuesday.”

“Fine by me.”

“Ryan? Bro, why am I more excited about this than you are? It’s your dream, right?”

“Right,” I answer dryly.

I’m excited. I really am. What I’m not admitting to anyone is that I also may be a bit scared about this new venture. I know I’ll succeed—I’ve been running corporations ten times larger for years, but this is going to be completely different—I’ll have my own hands-on projects and doing it all while long-distance. Constant trips back and forth between New York and Moscow don’t appeal to me. And it has nothing to do with my dislike for traveling but with my inability to be far away from the woman I love. I don’t want to be across the ocean from Liz. It’s as simple as that. Then again, we live in a modern age. People do all kind of things online. Running a new company shouldn’t be a challenge.

“Then what’s the fucking matter with you?”

“Stop swearing every two seconds,” I bark. “I’m perfectly fine.”

“My grumpy brother talking business on weekend equals problems with his girl. Where is my sis? Is she working on a Saturday?”

Since Mark and Liz met in France and got drunk together, they’ve been close. They talk on the phone frequently, and the three of us video chat regularly on weekends. Plus, he visits Moscow every few months.

“No. Nina just came back from L.A. so they’re having some girl time.”

“Doesn’t sound bad.”

It doesn’t. I smile remembering how ecstatic Liz was this morning to see her best friend who spent the past month with her father.

“What’s the problem then?” Mark asks.

“No problem. Liz is just … I don’t know.” The desire to shut him out is there, but we’re making progress on being closer, so I push myself to admit what’s on my mind. “She doesn’t want to hear or talk about her brother. She also missed an appointment with her grief counselor, so I’m a bit concerned.”

“Ryan, of course finding out she’s adopted shook her to her core. She’s lived her whole life thinking her parents were, well … were her birth parents. Just be patient with her.”

Patience isn’t my strong suit. But I understand this information came out of nowhere, and Liz wasn’t prepared to take it in.

I raise an eyebrow at him. “So you’re saying I should give her time?” I clarify.

“I think you should, but not too much time. Don’t wait until what’s inside her brews into an out-of-control storm.”

Several months ago, if someone told me I would hear something wise like this from the rough-looking man completely covered in tattoos I see on the screen of my iPad, I would have never believed it. Pride for my little brother fills my chest.

“Wow. You been seeing a shrink?”

“Very funny.” Mark smirks. “In fact, last night I indulged myself with a possible publicist candidate for you.”

There goes my pride for him.

“God, you don’t change, do you?”

“What? Her resume wasn’t as impressive as her oral skills. She didn’t get the position, so consoling her became my responsibility. You won’t work with her, don’t worry.”

I shoot him an annoyed frown. “I’m going to ask you one more time, don’t mix business with pleasure. It won’t end well. Hire only male assistants for me if you have to. You aren’t into dudes too, are you?”

He grins like a Cheshire cat. “I’m not, but I might give it a try just to piss you off.”

“Mark,” I warn him.

Seeing my stern expression, he raises his hands. “Just kidding, bro. I need pussy. Plus, I’m totally against gender discrimination. When we surround ourselves with women, the world gets better.”

“I’m hiring a recruitment agency,” I inform him and put a reminder in my phone just to be sure.

“Come on. You’re just pissy because your girl is seeing her ex.”

A torrent brews under my skin at the mere mention of David Young. I told Mark about Young’s arrival and that he told Liz the truth about her parents, but I never mentioned their lunches.

“I talked to Liz the other day and she said she was returning from lunch with Young.”

“Yeah. They’ve had lunch three times this week.” I try to sound unaffected when I’m anything but.

“It bothers you?”

I grit my teeth. “Of course it bothers me. I bet the fucker’s begging her to take him back.”

“Well, Liz isn’t going to do that. The girl’s crazy about you, so no need to worry.”

His words bring me a bit of much-needed relief.

“I’m surprised you haven’t tied her to bed or beaten the ex to death,” he adds.

“I
am
civilized. Believe me, there’s nothing I want more than to kill him. Liz says they’re just having friendly conversations. And even though she invited me to join, I don’t like it one bit, Mark. I can’t forbid her to see him, can I? He cheated on her just before their wedding, and now he’s acting like her white knight ‘cause he told her the truth about her parents.”

“Dude, I know you can act like a jealous caveman when it comes to Liz, but I’m on your side. The guy’s a prick. If you need help chasing him back to Seattle, just say the word.”

“Thank you.” I give him a genuine smile, grateful for his support. “Go have some fun with people who don’t work for us, and I’m going to call my girl.”

“Bye, Ry.”

Mark disconnects the call, but before I can speed dial Liz, I hear her voice.

“Nice to know how you really feel about David.”

Shit. How long has she been standing there?

“Forbid me? Really?” She glares at me with fire shooting from her hazel eyes.

“I haven’t exactly hidden that I think he’s a scumbag, Liz.” Rising from the couch, I ask her, “How long were you standing there?”

“Long enough. If you hadn’t been so engrossed in slinging mud at David, you might have heard me come in.”

Is she pissed ‘cause I bad-mouthed her ex? Really?

“I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. And why are you defending him?”

“I’m not defending anyone, Ryan. I just hate when you hide your feelings from me.” The disappointment in her tone both astounds and annoys me.

“So I can’t ask you not to see him, but I can’t even be disappointed when you do?”

“That isn’t what I meant,” she replies.

“Then what? I should be glad my woman sees her ex-fiancé on a daily basis? Excuse me if I’m not.”

“I just didn’t know it bothered you so much. I told him I’m marrying you, Ryan. I told him I loved
you
.”

“He’s still here, which means he didn’t get the message. Maybe you weren’t very convincing.”

Liz sucks in a shaky breath, and I see I’ve gone too far.

“You know what, Ryan? You don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t talk to, but if I knew you didn’t like it I would have considered your feelings. Stop being a jerk and let’s discuss this like adults.”

Then I ask something that’s been bothering me since Young arrived. I know asking her something like this is wrong, but I have to.

“Would you tell him to leave if I asked?”

“I …”

She hesitates. She fucking hesitates.

What does she have to think about?

“He betrayed you, and you’re choosing him over me?” The hurt and exasperation in my voice surprises me, and I snap my mouth shut.

Liz’s furrowed brows soften as she assesses me. “I’m not choosing him. Not in the least. He was my best friend once, and I …” She looks away and gnaws on her lip. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

Just fucking perfect.

The pain Liz is causing me right now, mixed with my rage at Young makes me crazy. Anger flows through my veins. I want to kill the asshole more than ever for being a part of her past, for barging into her life again—into our life—and ruining the first peace I’ve found. The possibility she may still want him makes me want to tear apart everything around me.

“What about me? My friendship isn’t enough?” I don’t mean to say that, but the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

“God, not everything is about you, Ryan. It’s about me. I need it.”

I bury my face in my hands and turn my back to her because all I hear is
‘I need him.'

Her voice is soft when she tells me, “You’re supposed to trust me. You know I love you.”

She loves me, but she needs another man. How am I supposed to be okay with that? How am I supposed to understand it?

Restless, I head to the mini bar in the corner of the living room and pour myself a glass of something strong, hoping it will calm me down. I slug back a mouthful of scotch and grit my teeth.

I almost quit this habit because Liz hates the smell and taste of alcohol. I care for her enough to let anything and everything that is a discomfort to her go without question or hesitation, but she doesn’t have the same consideration for me. She doesn’t care enough to say goodbye to the man who betrayed her.

It stings. No, it hurts like hell.

My focus turns to the burn in my throat instead of the pain in my chest. “I suggest you go spend more time with whoever you want or need,” I say, concentrating on the glass in my hand. I’m glad my voice sounds hard and resolute.

“Ryan, I didn’t mean to hurt you. We need to talk, to discuss this together.” She walks close to me and rests her hand on my arm, almost breaking my resolve. “I came home early to spend time with you. Let’s forget this stupid fight. This past week has been so busy that we’ve barely had any quality time together.”

Yeah, because you spent that time with your ex.

I stay silent and immobile, knowing anything I might say will make things even worse. I need time and space to figure out how to deal with Young myself.

My father taught that me there is only one way to deal with something in my way—get rid of it. My private investigator already found dirt on the Young’s. I know the real reason they moved to Seattle. I can threaten to destroy their family business. It’s highly unlikely that David would like the whole world to know his father has a gambling addiction and a history of embezzling money from the trust accounts of his clients. Who would trust such a lawyer?

“Ryan, please.” Liz’s soft voice breaks me from my dark thoughts.

What would she think if she knew what I just thought? She’d be horrified. She’d run.

“Just leave me alone,” I tell her and take another gulp of scotch.

“You’re going to push me away? Very mature.”

I clench my jaw until it aches to keep myself from begging her to stay.

Her quick, retreating steps stop when she is almost in the hallway. “Well, there goes all your efforts to persuade me that this suite is as much my home as it’s yours.”

Her words make me snap, and the glass in my hand goes flying against the wall. The bottles and other glasses from the mini bar join it. I almost don’t hear Liz slam the door behind her over the sound of breaking glass. Almost.

“Fuck!” My fist goes into the closest wall.

I’ve done everything I could. I proposed, slid the ring on her finger, cherished her every second of every day, loved her with everything I am, never making demands, never asking her to obey me outside of our bedroom, but she wouldn’t answer when I asked her to fucking stay away from the piece of shit who cheated on her.

So much for being everything she needs.

“
Y
ou sure
you don’t want some tea?” Nina asks me from the kitchen. My best friend is huge comfort-drink-believer.

“I don’t. Stop fussing and just listen to me.” I pace in the small living room. There isn’t much space to go back and forth, so I’m circling the couch, two chairs, and a small coffee table.

As soon as I left Ryan’s suite, I came to the apartment, lucky to find Nina home. When I met her at the airport this morning, she was exhausted from the long flight so we cut our girl time short. I rushed back to the hotel happy to spend more time with Ryan only to find him telling Mark things he’s been hiding from me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Ryan is comfortable sharing his feelings with his brother these days, but why was I excluded from this? I thought Ryan and I were past hiding things from each other. I hated seeing Ryan’s old coping mechanism resurface.

“I still can’t believe he pushed me away after months of begging me to move in with him. He didn’t even want to listen to what I had to say.” I cry out when I bump my knee on the edge of the couch. “There is no space to pace in this room!”

Nina comes in carrying two cups despite my earlier protests and puts them on the coffee table. “You need to calm down, sweets. I’ve never seen you so riled up.”

I face her, still rubbing my knee. “Have you heard a word I’ve told you?”

“Of course I did. You were five feet away and screaming. From what I got, you’re fuming because fancy suit doesn’t want you to keep seeing your ex?”

“Of course not,” I protest. “I’m angry because Ryan didn’t tell me he wasn’t comfortable with me seeing David and that he thinks he can
forbid
me from seeing him,” I clarify. “He can’t make decisions for me. I’m not his property, Nina.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

Her wary look only fuels my exasperation. I need confirmation from my friend that Ryan is an ass, not listen to someone defending him.

“I can’t believe you’re on his side,” I snap.

Nina is
my
best friend, for heaven’s sake. She’s supposed to be siding with me.

“Calm down, Liza. I’m not on his side. Come here.” She pats the spot on the couch next to where she sits cross-legged.

When I ignore her suggestion, she asks, “Did he ask you not to see David?”

“Not exactly. Well, he did hypothetically. I already told you what happened three or four times. I love Ryan with everything I am, but I’m my own person. I should make such decisions myself.”

How dare Ryan ask me to tell David to leave?

Of course, I would. Without hesitation. Without question.

My feelings for Ryan are so strong, so consuming, I would cross one of my oldest friends out of my life. I’d toss overboard everything that stood in the way of Ryan and me being together, and it scares the living shit out of me while frustrating me like hell. Deep down I know I’m angry at myself. Despite my love for Ryan, I want to stay my own person.

Am I losing myself in my feelings for him?

I’m probably not, but I’ve been lost in grief for so long that I’m afraid to lose clear perspective again.

“From what you’ve told me, I see you got upset because Ryan told Mark that it bothered him that you were seeing your cheating ex when he should have been telling
you
.”

“Why does everyone keep reminding me about David’s cheating?”

“Because you’re being unreasonable, Liza. You’re hurting a man who loves you to pieces because of someone who betrayed you. I don’t get it. I know the decision is yours to make. But don’t forget you’re in a relationship, and your choices influence Ryan. I’m in no way encouraging you to choose everything based on his likes or dislikes, and I’m not saying you should lose your identity or anything. No. I’m just asking you to take his opinion into consideration. It’s just … hell, maybe you don’t see it yourself, but you’re blossoming with this man. Every time I’ve seen you in the last four months, you’re happy. Really happy, Liza. I may even be sick from that silly, radiant smile constantly plastered on your pretty face. It’s nauseating, sweets, but I don’t want you to lose it. You were sad for a long time.”

Nina’s words are like water to the lava churning inside me. They cool my temper and make me sink into the couch.

“Your Ryan sure has an authoritarian vibe, but from what I’ve seen and what you’ve told me, he isn’t a controlling man. Every time I see you two together, God, Liza, he worships the ground you walk on. Am I wrong?” Nina asks me, her eyes searching mine.

I exhale and shake my head. She isn’t wrong.

“Just think. How would you feel if he had lunches with his ex, the woman he’d intended to marry once upon a time? Would you be thrilled?”

“Not at all.” I would be hurt, devastated. I would think million stupid, awful things. I would believe he didn’t love me anymore. “God, Nina, I’m so stupid sometimes. I’ve lived through a lot, shouldn’t I be like super mature?”

“You’re mature, but you can be stubborn.”

That I can. And Ryan is the same. We both can be pig-headed.

“Price is an ass for hurting you, but I’m on his side when it comes to this David dude.” Nina’s words are pointed and her blue eyes serious. “And you know what I think? I think you’re angry with Ryan for something you don’t want to admit, maybe even to yourself, so you found some other reason to be angry at him to hide the real reason.”

I contemplate what she said. “Did you get a psycology degree in L.A.?”

“Ha-ha.”

“No seriously, that was deep.” Even though it’s probably not true, I know exactly what I’m angry about. I’m hurt Ryan wasn’t the one who told me the truth about my parents.

“It’s the sex thing,” Nina declares.

“Excuse me?”

“I have this new theory about knowledge transferring during intercourse.”

I laugh at her ridiculous explanation. She’s so deep one second and then this the next. It’s a gift.

“It sounds like something Mark would say to get you in bed,” I point out.

“It’s all me. Mark has different pick-up lines, and believe me, with the skills and the tool the man possesses—”

I cover my ears with my hands before she says more. “Eww. Gross alert! He’s like a brother to me.”

“Okay. Let’s just say if Ryan is, at least, half as good in bed as his brother, you’re a lucky bitch.”

“No comment.”

I’m sure Ryan is ten times better, but I won’t disappoint her. That’s what friends are for, right?

I’m reminded of something Mark mentioned when I talked to him on the phone the other day. “Speaking of Mark, he told me you made a stop in New York on your way home from L.A. Is it going somewhere between you two?”

“It’s not. And if the traitor told you about my secret visit he must have also told you we just hooked up purely for the good sex. Nothing more. It may sound strange to you, but I just needed a stress relief after all the family drama, and I knew he would be available with no strings attached.” With Nina’s dad being in the picture after a twenty-year absence, and her mom against them reconnecting, my friend has had a lot on her plate. “Don’t judge me, Liza. I have no prince charming to make it all better for me. I cope the best I can.”

“I wasn’t judging, Nina,” I say quickly. “I’m sorry about your family, and I really want you to meet your true love.”

She raises a brow at me. “To screw it up like you’re trying to do?” When I flinch, she adds, “Sorry.”

Deep exhale leaves me. “Ryan has his flaws, you know.”

“Everyone does, Liza, but not every man would just uproot his whole life to stay here with you. David didn’t. He could have come here when you moved or when your Granny got sick and you decided to stay to take care of her, but he left you alone to deal with your problems.”

The truth from her words slices through me. I am a moron. “Okay. Okay. I got it. Team Ryan all the way.”

“The fact that your current fiancé is drop-dead gorgeous, has millions, spoils my best friend, and gifts me spa days for giving him inside info doesn’t hurt.”

“You are just too much,” I say, feeling an enormous grin invade my face.

“Trying my best,” Nina answers with a beaming smile, but then her face grows serious. “Liza, I’m sorry if I hurt you tonight. You can’t even imagine how happy it makes me that you came to me for advice, but I’m your friend, and friends shouldn’t sugarcoat bullshit.”

I tackle her in a bear hug, overcome with gratitude and love. Since I met Nina four years ago, she’s been the sister I never had.

“Thank you for making me see I was wrong. I screwed up this time, Nina, didn’t I?”

“Nothing a good blowjob won’t cure.”

“I’m out of here,” I tell her, laughing as I jump from the couch and hurry into my bedroom.

I need to make it right with Ryan.