Fears and Scars (4 page)

T
he alarm blaring
in my ears wakes me up the next morning too early for my liking. Groaning, I untangle myself from Ryan’s strong, warm arms to find my phone on the nightstand and silence the noise.

My eyes slowly move over my fiancé who is now resting on his stomach, his muscular arms wrapped around the pillow. I’ve hogged the sheets, which has left all those drool-worthy back muscles on display. He’s absolutely delicious and so perfectly male. All I can think about is licking him from head to toe, but I have no time for that. Time to get ready for work.

I drag myself out of bed, careful not to jostle him, and tiptoe to the bathroom. With every step, the events of last night come rushing back—David’s declaration, and then Ryan’s confirmation. God, I have a half-brother. And a father. There’s a man out there somewhere with whom I share DNA, if he’s still alive, which is highly unlikely considering the high rate all my parents seem to die on me.

A feeling of helplessness starts consuming me again.

I close the bathroom door, stand with my back against it, and rest my head against the door. I take a few deep, controlled breaths and try to make sense of how in the span of hours I went from finally having my life all figured out to this uncertainty.

My mind is filled with scattered thoughts and questions. Last night, I wanted to ask Ryan about so many things, but I couldn’t. The lump in my throat had grown so thick that words couldn’t pass it, and then I realized it was pointless anyway. No matter how much information some private investigator had gathered, my most important questions will forever stay unanswered. The people who can answer them, who
should
have explained everything to me, are all dead. And suddenly I feel so angry. Angry at my parents, at this woman who gave birth to me, at David for bursting my happy bubble.

Grabbing the first towel I see, I throw it on the floor and stomp on it several times for good measure. It’s silly and childish and doesn’t help. I pick up my fluffy victim and put it in the hamper.

God, I’m a mess.

Trying to pull myself together, I splash some water onto my face.

There’s no time to indulge in despair; I need a clear head at work. Overthinking this situation will only drain me of energy and hope.

Even though Anna won’t be in until noon today, I have tons of work that needs be done before her arrival.

When I exit the bathroom fifteen minutes later, feeling refreshed and ready to start my day, I find Ryan still in bed. This is unusual since he normally joins me in the shower or is in front of his laptop in the kitchen with breakfast ready for me. Yeah, sometimes I’m jealous of myself. He may just order that breakfast and not prepare it himself, but his constant attention is a real treasure.

I let my mind travel back to before I met him, when loneliness and despair were all I’d felt since I was seventeen. I won’t let sorrow consume me this time. Being consumed by love, surrounded by something warm and strong like Ryan is so much better.

To hell with being on time for work. I get on the bed, scoot myself close to my fiancé, and softly kiss his cheek.

Remembering how Ryan calmed me yesterday, how patient he always is with me, I murmur a ‘thank you’ in his ear, causing him to stir and blink.

His voice is gruff with sleep when he responds. “For what? I haven’t done anything. Yet.” A mischievous smile spreads on his face.

In a second, the towel covering my body is gone, and I’m on top of Ryan, straddling him, naked. All to the credit of his skillful hands.

“Now that’s the way to wake up.” He tangles his fingers in my hair, brings my face to his, and kisses me long and hard. All the worries that plagued me fade until the only coherent thought that races through my mind is that I want more.

My man kisses like a dream.

“Good morning, baby.”

“Good morning,” I answer, admiring the richness of his bright green eyes.

My eyes run up and down his face—his chiseled jaw covered in a light scruff, full, delicious lips, sculpted nose, and that dark hair messy but somehow perfect.

He angles his head to the side and gazes at me with a combination of adoration and worry. “How about skipping work today and staying in bed with me?”

It’s his careful way of asking me how I feel now that I know the truth.

There’s this giant ball of emotions in my gut—confusion, anger, sorrow, uncertainty—and I can’t pinpoint which one prevails. I wish this was all a bad dream, but it’s not. What I know for sure is that I’m on a journey toward something good, and I refuse to let this new turn of events hold me back. Neither will I let my happiness fade because a woman decided to abandon me twenty-two years ago.

Pain. That’s what I feel, and I’m sick and tired of this awful sensation.

Everything I thought I knew has been pulled out from under me.

I should pretend that David didn’t tell me my parents’ secret. I have the right to pretend, at least for a while, and there’s no better way to forget than losing myself in Ryan.

“I can be fashionably late,” I say, deciding I’m not going anywhere once his warm, strong hands slide over my back.

Trailing my lips down his throat, I close my eyes and inhale his clean citrus and spiced wood masculine scent.

Sweet baby Jesus, it’s just not fair to smell that good all the time.

“Liz, are you okay? Do you want to talk?”

I decide to be blunt and clear. “I’m fine, Ryan. I promise. I’m not ready to talk, but I’m horny and want to have some sex with my man. Is that okay with you?”

He chuckles. “Jeez, woman. Where is the innocent girl I met in September?”

“You corrupted her,” I answer, leaning closer and sealing my lips to his.

“Well, I better make sure I corrupted her good and thoroughly then.” He cradles my face in his palms and deepens the kiss. The urgency I feel with each stroke of his tongue against mine makes me circle my hips against his hardness, wanting to feel him inside me.

His fingers sink into my hair. “Someone is impatient,” he says in a low and husky tone, knowing damn well what he’s doing to me. “I need to taste you.”

“You are tasting me, silly.”

He chuckles as I look at him perplexed, my nose scrunched up in confusion. My brain is fuzzy with lust. I don’t get it. What’s so funny?

Before I can ask him, Ryan places his hands on my thighs, and in one swift maneuver, he hoists me into the air and moves me up the length of his body so that I’m perched above his head.

“What—” My protest dies when his tongue grazes my core. I gasp and reach for the headboard while Ryan’s hands grip my hips, holding me above him as his tongue sweeps across my folds and then … into me.

Chills race down my spine, and every troubled thought evaporates. Carnal need, the chase to satisfy the most primal desire, is all that remains. There’s no room for anything else.

I look down to watch him, and the sight makes me clench the headboard tighter. My body begins working with the purposeful, swirling strokes and probes of Ryan’s firm but gentle tongue.

Moan after moan leaves my mouth as the pressure builds deep inside me, lighting me up.

My thighs quiver when Ryan draws my clit between his lips and gives it a powerful suck. The pleasure overpowers me, and I shatter into a million shards.

“Oh. My. God.”

With Ryan’s hands still firmly holding me up, I come chanting something unintelligible as he continues to consume me, licking and sucking in every drop.

Then he rolls me over so I’m beneath him, my back flat on the mattress.

“You taste incredible. That’s how every morning should start. With dessert.”

With my breaths coming hard and quick, I smile at him, still reeling from the mind-blowing orgasm.

Ryan’s gaze bounces everywhere, taking in my nakedness on display. He loves watching me come undone. What can I say? I’m a lucky girl.

“You’re breathtaking, Liz.” His mouth descends upon mine. Soft and gentle. He kisses me with an aching tenderness that makes my heart leap.

“I love you,” I murmur, sucking on his lower lip. “And I need you inside me.”

“My woman has brilliant ideas.”

He gently trails his velvety lips down my jawline to my neck, nibbling as he goes. The need for him spreads through my body again, and I shiver from the scratch of Ryan’s morning stubble against my skin.

He groans at my touch as I let my fingers trail down the grooves of his flat, chiseled torso. A new desire rages inside of me—the need to trace every inch of his smooth, warm skin, but suddenly his weight and warmth are stolen from me.

“Ryan …” My voice drifts when I see him getting off the bed and pushing his boxers down his legs and to the floor.

My eyes shoot to one of my favorite parts of his body—the indents that form a “V” on his hips and travel over the sparse trail of dark hair that leads straight to his huge, straining cock.

I watch as he wraps his right hand around his hard shaft and gives it one long stroke, setting me on fire.

A lazy smile spreads across his handsome face. “Looks like you see something you like.”

“Looks like it,” I whisper, my breathing even more hurried than before.

My legs fall open as Ryan lowers himself over me, running his hands over my hips, my sides, my breasts.

Our gazes collide, and I trail a hand down his face, tracing his lips.

Our smiles meet as Ryan blankets my body with his.

God, I love him so much. The feeling almost pours out of me—I’m so damn in lust, in need with him.

He braces his weight on his forearms before sliding into my body, taking his time as he slowly fills me.

I close my eyes for a moment, overwhelmed with the now-familiar feel of him inside me. He has me dizzy with love and need.

Even though we’ve made love countless times already, each time somehow feels new.

“Baby?” he asks me, freezing.

I look up to see Ryan watching me, his eyes darkened with lust.

“I’m good. Too good,” I explain, raising my legs and hitching them around his hips, urging him to move.

Ryan has other ideas. He pulls my legs even higher, bracing them on his shoulders, and pushes inside me, all the way. He’s so deep, my whole body clenches and my fingers tear at the sheets, searching for something to grasp.

“Harder,” I whisper, and he speeds up his strokes, moving faster, harder, finding a delicious, pressure-building rhythm. His pelvic bone hits my clit with every thrust, and our bodies slap together in a fast-paced tempo so perfectly in tune with one another.

Needy sounds push past my lips, and before I know it, a thousand blissful ripples of pleasure course through me again.

Ryan pumps into me a few more times, and then his grip tightens on my hips as he gruffly groans out my name.

Afterward, we lie on our sides, facing each other and trying to catch our breath. I know I need to get up and hurry to work, but I’m too limp and sated to move, so I give myself another minute.

My eyes fall on a thick platinum band that gleams in the morning light on Ryan’s left-hand ring finger. He bought it for himself right after we got engaged and wears it claiming I shouldn’t be the only one with a ring, and I secretly love it. Love that other people can see he’s taken, that he’s mine.

The thought brings a smile to my face. Ryan returns it with a toothy one as he strokes my hair.

“Any way you can take the day off and stay with me?”

I shake my head. “I have to run.”

Despite my words, I don’t make any move to get out of bed.

His fingers glide down my bare skin. “How are you really feeling, sweetheart?”

The question makes me tense, and I hop up before Ryan can call me on it.

“Everything is great.” The fake cheer in my voice makes me cringe. “I’m fine. Really. It doesn’t change anything.”

“What about your brother? Don’t you want to meet him?”

Do I?

“I don’t know, and I need to get to work. I’m already late,” I say, hurrying into the shower. Away from questions I don’t have answers to.

I
t was
my father’s birthday, quite a boring event for a seven-year-old, when I first met David. I was in the kitchen helping my mom when he came in with his mom, Caroline. David stretched his hand out to me and announced, “David Young, your new neighbor and future best friend.”

Our dads were college buddies, and my parents were thrilled the Young’s would be living next door. The shy girl in me was happy to have a new friend.

I can’t remember a day since then when David and I weren’t at each other’s side for a good portion of the day. David asked me on our first date when I was a freshman in high school and he was a junior, and I agreed, mostly because I was scared to lose my best friend.

Never in a million years would I have imagined struggling to have a normal conversation with the sweet boy I’d known since I was a kid, the one I considered spending a life with only five years ago.

But here I am, sitting across from him in the café just down the road from my work, trying to find some words to make the atmosphere between us at least bearable.

It’s been two days since he dropped the you-were-adopted bomb on me and I slapped him hard across the face.

God, I still can’t believe I did something like that. I’ve never hit anyone in my entire life.

“So, how did you know where I work?”

David came to see me at work yesterday, but I was late and couldn’t talk to him so I gave him my phone number and we agreed to meet today. I also told Ryan about this meeting. My possessive, alpha, Neanderthal is probably watching us with binoculars.

I have to remind myself that I’m not doing anything wrong, just having a meal with a friend—we’ll talk and David will go back to Seattle.

“My dad. I was visiting my parents when I overheard their conversation about you. I pressed for details and Dad told me everything he knew. I was so shocked, Ellie. I thought it was some cruel joke. Mom and Dad knew you were adopted from the very beginning and that you were married now. I didn’t take the news well. I’m still so angry at them. I get that it wasn’t their place to tell you at first, but they should have admitted the truth after the crash. You might have chosen to say in the U.S. and search for your real parents.”

So that’s his reason for telling me?

It suddenly dawns on me that David doesn’t care about my feelings one bit. He doesn’t give a damn that the news he gave me has devastated me. He only thinks about himself, how his life would be different if I stayed in Seattle.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, pushing around the Caesar salad on my plate. “It’s a good thing I know the truth, but it doesn’t change anything.”

“But what about your birth parents? Don’t you want to look for them?”

My gut twists at his question. I should have expected him to bring them up.

“There’s no one to look for. The woman who gave me up passed away from cancer years ago and there’s no trace of any possible father. This was the main reason why Ryan didn’t tell me sooner, but now I know and want nothing to do with this new knowledge, so please, can we change the subject?”

“I’m sorry, Ellie. I thought … shit.” He presses his lips together and shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. Tell me what you’ve been up to all these years.”

We catch up for some time. David shares that he got his law degree at Stanford University and now works at his dad’s firm as a corporate law attorney. He mentions how he wants to change his specialization to family law and concentrate on child custody and adoption. I’m not sure if he’s doing it for me, but I reassure him there’s nothing wrong with corporate law as long as he enjoys it.

As we finish our meal, I mention Snow. David has a good laugh when I tell him the cat is actually pitch black and I thought naming him ‘Snow’ would bring good luck into his life.

The conversation becomes easy, and I find myself relaxing even though David tenses up every time I mention Ryan’s name.

“Yeah … about him,” he says after we order coffee, “Are you sure you should date someone like him?”

His question throws me for a loop.

“Date? I’m marrying him.”

“He seemed a bit hot-tempered the other day.”

“He was protecting me,” I say. My voice sounds sharp as I try to calm my building anger. He doesn’t know Ryan; he has no right to talk badly about him.

“He kept it all a secret from you, Ellie. Just imagine what else he may be hiding. You should think very hard before believing anything your fiancé tells you.”

His words are like barbs to my chest. Ryan hid a lot from me, but it’s all in the past. I understand why he didn’t reveal the truth about my adoption. How do you tell someone news like that? Just knock on their door after not seeing them in God knows how long and spill the whole thing? No, that’s not the right way—that person could get slapped. Hard. The mark on David’s left cheek is evidence of that fact. Revealing secrets only hurts the other person immensely.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, David. No idea what it was like for me all these years. I was merely surviving. I counted every penny. There were months when I had to work three jobs to stay afloat and considered myself lucky when I slept even four hours a night. I didn’t go to some fancy university and enjoy college life.”

The anger from his insensitive revelation has been boiling inside me for two days now, and I refuse contain it any longer.

He rubs the back of his neck. “Ellie. I had no idea. Shit. You could have called me.” He gives me an apologetic look, the corners of his mouth heavy with pity.

“It was my choice,” I answer sternly. I hate pity. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty. I just want you to understand. When Ryan and I met, I was in a very bad place. I don’t mean financially. I mean emotionally. I had huge problems with grieving, still do. I was closed off, and he recognized that hurt inside me it and gave me a chance to start healing. He showed me how good it is to start moving on. He repaired me. Gave me hope.”

“That’s good. That’s good, Ellie.” Despite what David is saying, he doesn’t seem convinced. “If it’s about money—”

Shit, I shouldn’t have mentioned the money. “God, David. Do you really think so low of me? No, Ryan isn’t my ATM, if that’s what you’re implying. I work and make my own money and haven’t taken a cent from him. I sold my parents’ house. That’s how I can afford to take care of Granny and my education.”

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, he offers, “I’m sorry you had to sell it, Ellie.”

I hold his somber, concerned gaze. “It’s fine. It was hard, but I had to do it for my future. How’s the family who bought it, by the way? My realtor told me they had young kids.”

“I haven’t seen anyone except for a maintenance guy, but I’m rarely there. Just for family dinners now and then. Maybe they haven’t moved in yet.”

“That’s strange.” I thought they were in a hurry. “But it’s not my business now, is it? The point in my grand speech was to reassure you I’m lucky to have someone like Ryan in my life, and I have no doubts about marrying him or that he’s truthful with me. I know he can seem cold and controlling, but he isn’t. He is the kindest person I know, believe me.”

Even though David hides it quick, I read the hurt in his eyes. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. It must be hard for him to hear about my love life.

“I want you happy, Ellie, and I don’t want this sense of security you’re feeling to turn out to be false, that’s all. I’m afraid Price is using your vulnerability to make you trust him, to make you
do
things.”

He can’t be more wrong. Looking back, it was me who made a lot of the first moves with Ryan. “He’s not making me do anything I don’t want to do.”

He exhales loudly. “To be fair, it’s hard seeing you with someone else. I just thought in time you’d come home and everything would be back to normal.”

His revelation takes me by surprise. “But we talked, David. We agreed to stay friends. I haven’t seen you in years.”

“We also agreed to stay in touch,” he points out. “And then you changed your phone number. Again. I guess I wanted to believe you just needed more time to forgive me for … everything. To forget the whole nightmare with the baby.”

What David did wasn’t a nightmare. I was hurt that he cheated on me and made a baby in the process, but it wasn’t a nightmare. Although it was painful, nothing can compare to the loss of my parents.

“I forgave you a long time ago, David. I really did,” I say, trying to reassure him.

When I saw him two days ago, the echo of the pain he caused me all those years ago didn’t come back. All I felt was sadness. Probably because tons of memories I have of David are entwined with memories I have of my parents, and I miss them like crazy.

“Then why didn’t you come back to me?”

My entire body resonates with shock at his words.

“I …”
Never planned to. Never wanted to.
How to find the right words when I’m about to break the heart of the man who was once my best friend? First kiss, first date … God, we have a lot of history together. “We weren’t meant to be, David. I’m sorry. I loved you with all my heart, but I was too young to realize it was a … friendship kind of love.”

Despite what I’d thought when I was a teenager, I’m sure I’ve never been in love with anyone before Ryan. What I felt for the man sitting in front of me was a friendly affection. That’s all it ever was no matter how hard we tried.

“But you agreed to marry me,” David protests, his face flushed, his brow creased. “You must have felt something.”

“I did … or I tried.” I answer truthfully. I’ve never been so ashamed of myself. But at the same time I know it wasn’t my fault. You can’t persuade yourself to have feelings for someone. “If it weren’t for that girl lying about having your baby, I would have married you and it would have been a disaster.”

“How can you say that?” His voice is laced with so much pain that I flinch. “It would have been my dream come true. I’d do anything for you, Ellie.”

I cover his hand with mine. “I know. You’d have been a perfect husband, and I’d have tried to be a perfect wife and give you the love you deserve, but it would have killed both of us in the end and ruined our lives. I could never give you what you need. I could never reciprocate your feelings. We’d have been miserable. I’m not saying that to hurt you, I just want you to understand.”

David is silent for a moment. A myriad of emotions flitter across his face, but pain lingers the longest. “We were kids then. You changed. I changed. If you could just give us a second chance …”

I swallow. “I’m engaged. I love Ryan.”

“Like you never loved me,” he demands, his voice tight, his nostrils flared.

“David …”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I just … I need you in my life. It was wrong of me to leave you alone for all these years, but I won’t make that mistake again. I’m not leaving without us figuring everything out.”

I groan inwardly. “Figuring what out?”

“You just found out you were adopted. You need someone by your side.”

All I need is Ryan, but I don’t want to hurt David more than I have, so I stay silent.

“Ellie, don’t throw me out of your life. Let me be your friend like before. We were good as friends, right?”

“We were.” I smile, remembering all the happy years we had together.

“And your parents loved seeing us together.”

He’s right. My parents adored David.

“I’m more than fine with us being friends. I just don’t want you to hold on to some false hope. I already gave my whole heart away, and there’s no return policy. Just friends, okay?”

He doesn’t look like he likes this idea very much but agrees with a forced smile. “Just friends.”

I really hope he means it.