Fever (37 page)

a glass and filled it with water, brought it to her lips and filled her mouth with enough liquid to

swallow the pill. And froze.

Oh God, oh God. What was she
doing
?

She spit the water and the pill forcefully into the sink, gripping the edges as sobs welled from her

chest. What had she almost done?

Angrily, she grabbed the bottle and dumped all the pills down the drain, running water to wash

them down. Then she flung the now empty bottle across the kitchen, listening as it clattered on the

floor. Then she buried her face in her hands and wept.

Oh God, she couldn’t do this. Not again.
Never again.

She had to end it now. This wasn’t good for her. If this was what her relationship with Jace drove

her to, she had to end it now. She couldn’t do this to herself. Not after having worked so hard for so

long to clean her life up and to break her addiction.

She might not have much, but at least her life
meant
something now.

Without changing, she bolted for the door, knowing she had to see Jace now before she lost her

courage. She had to end it, tell him she was moving from the apartment. She had to confront him and

end it face-to-face.

She wouldn’t leave him to wonder her fate or what she was doing. She would go to his apartment

and she’d tell him she was gone. And then she’d go back to her life. It may not be the best life, but it

was one she could live with her pride and sanity intact.

Remembering she had no cash left, she went back to the drawer and pulled it all out. What was left

after the cab fare she’d give back to Jace. She wouldn’t take more from him than she had to. Then,

remembering Jack’s backpack still on the couch, she yanked it over her shoulder before exiting the

apartment.

When she hit the lobby, the doorman looked alarmed.

“Miss Willis, where are you going? I think it would be better if you waited here.”

She ignored him and plunged back into the cold to hail a cab.

• • •

The doorman sighed. “I tried to call you again, sir. She came back. That’s when I called you the

first time. But she came back down just a few minutes later. I tried to stop her. She was soaked

through and she hadn’t changed from when she’d been out before. She looked upset.”

Jace closed his eyes and swore long and hard. “You have no idea where she was going?”

He glanced outside at the sheets of rain mixed with ice that pelted the sidewalks. His stomach

dropped as he imagined Bethany out there. Cold. Upset. Alone.

She was probably going back to Jack. Precious fucking Jack.

God, but he’d fucked up badly. He’d been pissed. He’d unleashed all his fear and fury on Bethany

and she’d bolted. Just as he’d been afraid she’d do from the start.

“No, sir. I’m sorry, but she didn’t say anything when she left. She was carrying only a backpack.”

Jace’s blood went cold. He’d kill Jack if Bethany was hurt over this. She was probably going back

to Jack, but there was no guarantee Jace would even be able to find her now. It had taken him weeks

before. But now? She wouldn’t
want
him to find her. Before, she hadn’t known he was looking for

her. Now she’d be aware that he would be. If she even thought that he cared enough to go after her.

He hadn’t given her any reason to believe he would care enough to go after her. That gutted him the

most.

Now she was out there on the goddamn streets, carrying a fortune in illegal drugs. People had been

killed for a hell of a lot less.

He pinned the doorman with a tired stare. “If she comes back, you sit on her if you have to. You do

not
let her leave again. Understand?”

The doorman nodded. “Yes, sir. I’ll do my best.”

His shoulders sagging, Jace turned toward the door, wondering where the hell to look for Bethany

next. His cell rang as he was about to step into the rain and he pulled back, lifting his phone. He

didn’t recognize the number.

“Jace Crestwell,” he said impatiently.

“Mr. Crestwell, sir, she’s here at your apartment building.”

Jace recognized the voice of Roger, his doorman. His pulse sped up and he ducked into the rain,

motioning for his car that was parked a short distance away.

“I’ll be right there,” Jace said. “Do not let her go anywhere.”

“You need to hurry, sir,” Roger said in a quieter tone. “She refused when I tried to get her to wait

in your apartment. She wouldn’t even wait inside the lobby. She’s outside in the rain and she’s

soaked through and shivering.”

“What?”

Jace couldn’t control the fury in his voice.

“Sir, I tried. She’s not right. She’s upset about something. It’s not good. You need to get here fast.

I’ll keep an eye on her until you arrive.”

Jace swore and rang off and then directed his driver to get back to his apartment as fast as

possible. The entire way, Jace’s chest tightened with dread. He mentally went over what he wanted to

say, repeating it in his mind. But somehow it didn’t seem like enough. It seemed lame. What the hell

was he supposed to say to the woman he loved, the woman he’d completely and utterly fucked up

with?

He sat tense and waiting, dying a little more every time traffic dragged them to a stop. What if he

didn’t make it in time? What if he got there and, as was the case when he got to her apartment, she

was already gone? Was he doomed to forever chase an elusive dream? He wouldn’t allow himself to

think it. Bethany was his. He wouldn’t let her go without fighting for her. Maybe she’d never had

someone willing to fight for her, but that was going to change.

Finally the car pulled to a stop. Jace jumped out, in the rain, and strode toward the entrance, his

gaze scanning rapidly for Bethany. His heart thumped when he didn’t see her. Maybe the doorman had

been able to persuade her to go in. Or maybe she’d left.

He was almost to the entrance when he saw her. His heart damn near stopped when he saw her

huddled against the building. She was hunched down, her knees drawn to her chest, water dripping

from her hair and clothes, puddling around her on the concrete.

“Bethany.”

Her name came out in a long exhalation, a whispery sound he wasn’t sure she’d even heard. It was

all he could get out around the tightness in his chest.

He squatted down and touched her arm. She started, her gaze swinging up to meet his. Her eyes

were wide and fearful but most of all they were swamped with grief. Overwhelming emotion welled

in their depths. It was like seeing into the darkest recesses of her soul.

He urged her to her feet, wincing at the icy coldness of her hands, her skin. She was chalk white

and shivering violently.

“Baby, let’s get you inside.”

His voice was purposely gentle, as soothing as he could make it when his pulse was about to

explode out of his temples.

He tried to pull her toward the door but she jerked back, taking a step away from him. Her

wounded eyes stared at him, a sheen of tears making them shiny in the glare of streetlights.

“Don’t,” she said in a low voice. “Jace, I can’t. I came here because I owe it to you to say this to

your face and not just walk away.”

He held up his hand to stop her because he couldn’t bear for her to complete what he knew was

coming. He
never
wanted to hear those words from her. His heart was about to beat out of his chest

and his eyes burned as he stared at the hollowness in hers.

“Baby, please, I need you to listen to me. But I have to get you out of this rain and cold. You’re

freezing. You’re going to make yourself ill.”

She shook her head, her arms clutching herself protectively. God, was she scared of him? Had he

really made her think he would harm her in any way? He wanted to puke at the thought that she feared

violence from him. If only he could have those few minutes in her apartment back.

“No, just listen, Jace. Please. Don’t make this any more difficult. I have to do this before I lose

myself. Before I lose what self-respect I’ve managed to gain the last couple of years.”

Her voice ended in a sob and she gulped in breaths of air. She was shivering so hard that it took

everything Jace had not to forcibly haul her into his apartment. Only the knowledge that this moment,

whatever it was she had to say to him, was the single most important moment in his life. He couldn’t

afford to blow it. Not like he’d already done at her apartment.

“Tell me,” he urged.

Tears now ran unchecked down her cheeks, mixing with the rain pelting her face. Her hair was

plastered to the sides of her face and clung wetly to her body. Raindrops glistened on her eyelashes,

outlining beautiful, haunted eyes.

She was the most beautiful thing in his world and he was perilously close to losing her.

“Jack brought a bottle of pills this morning when he came. He brought them for me.”

Jace’s breath hissed out as rage consumed him. He wanted to track the son of a bitch down and

beat the ever-loving hell out of him. How could he be so careless when it came to Bethany? A woman

he was supposed to care about. And Bethany couldn’t see that Jack was bad news. Very bad news.

Her vision of him was locked in the past.

“I told him I didn’t want them. I
never
want them. He was trying to help me. In the past, I would

have taken them. I would have done anything for them. But not now. I’m
better
than that. But then you

came and we had that terrible argument and you reminded me that I have nothing.”

“Oh God, baby, that’s not what I meant,” he choked out. “That’s not what I meant at
all
.”

She went on as if she hadn’t even heard him. She seemed so lost in her thoughts that she was

rambling, trying to get it all out, like ridding poison.

“And I left because it hurt too bad to stay. But then I came back, because I knew the way I left

wasn’t cool. I needed to stop running. Face you. Do this logically. But there I was in the kitchen,

feeling like my world had come to an end. I was cold and wanted a cup of hot chocolate and when I

opened the cabinet, there was the bottle of pills staring me in the face and I knew if I just took one that

I’d feel better, that I’d be better able to cope with the mess that is my life.”

“Oh God,” Jace breathed.
“Baby.”

“I was
this
close,” she said, holding up her trembling fingers an inch apart. “I was this close to

doing it. I had the pill in my mouth. I took a drink of water, fully intending to swallow it. It was right

there. At the back of my throat. And then I realized what I was doing. What I almost allowed to

happen.”

She choked on a sob and then bowed her head, her fingers balled into tight fists at her sides.

“But you didn’t,” Jace whispered, guessing.

“But I almost did,” she said in a voice filled with desolation. “I wanted it. I needed it. And I spit it

out and washed all the pills down the sink. I can’t go back there, Jace. We have to end it now before

we destroy each other. If this is what being with you does to me, I can’t do it anymore. I’m not good

for you. I’m not good for
me
,” she finished on a whisper.

Fear seized him by the balls. He shook his head, unable to wrench the words from his closed

throat. He was devastated by what she’d almost done—not because he judged her, but because she’d

hurt so badly that she’d nearly done the unthinkable. What if she hadn’t stopped at one?

What little restraint she was holding to seemed to dissolve with the rain. A gut-wrenching sob tore

from her throat and then she clutched herself around the middle, sinking to her knees as she rocked

back and forth.

Jace followed her immediately, his arms going around her, hugging her tight against him. He kissed

her soaked hair and rocked with her as the rain pelted them.

“I hate myself for that,” she sobbed. “For my weakness. For even being tempted. I hate myself for

hurting you, for disappointing you. But I can’t just turn away from Jack. I don’t expect you to

understand it. I’ve never explained.”

His rage at Jack, at the situation, burned through him, hot and fierce.

“Why do you risk so much to protect him? He’s an utter fuck-up, Bethany. Why do you
continue
to

allow him to rule your entire existence?”

She pushed away from him and shot to her feet. “Because he took so much for me!” she screamed

out, rain sliding down her face, mixing with her tears. “He did so much for me. Things I can
never

repay! You don’t understand. You could
never
understand all he suffered for me.”

Grief was so thick in her voice that she choked on every word. She was distraught, barely clinging

to her composure, and she shivered violently in the cold.

There was something in her voice, in those yelled words, that made him go cold from the inside

out. Whatever was in her past, what connected her to Jack, haunted her on a day-to-day basis. And