Fianna Kelly Versus the Jeebees: A Collection of Steampunk Stories (26 page)

"Aren't
we going inside it?"

"Not
today. We need the steam engine running to turn on the lights inside her.
"

 I
thanked Benjamin and he turned out the lights. We were about to close the doors
when two men came up.

One
said, "I told you she'd come here."

The
other asked Gwen, "What did you do to Sean?"

Benjamin
said, "You men get out of here. And watch where you point those rifles
lest you blow us all to kingdom come."

The
first one walked over to Benjamin and stuck his rifle into the guard's chest.
"Is this better, old man. You just mind your own business. This is between
us and the women."

I
went to step between the two men and settle things peacefully. I didn't want to
get in the paper again for having to shoot a person. It was possible that he
could shoot my airship as he fell and that would be worse news. I wouldn't mind
being mentioned near the back page of the paper for settling a dispute quietly
though.

I
woke up on my back. My head hurt like it never had before. I wondered what I
had done this time. I said, "I don't feel good."

Gwen
said, "At least you feel something. I was worried that you might never
wake up."

"What
happened?"

"Most
people ask where they are first. Leave it to my very great-grandmother to be
different," she replied.

"Okay,
where am I?"

"You
are lying on your bed in your house and the doctor says you need to stay still
until she says otherwise."

"I
think I can manage that. Can you tell me in short sentences why I am laying
still?"

She
answered, "The doctor said so."

"Okay,
wrong question. Let's get back to my first one. In short sentences, what
happened?"

"You
tried to intervene in an argument. A man's rifle went off by accident. You were
grazed along your forehead. I shot the two men before they could run far. The
guard raised the alarm. Your father arrived with what seemed like half of the
townspeople. He was yelling at the man in a strange language."

"That
would be Gaelic. My father says that English is not a fit language to express
emotions or a really good curse."

"Well,
he beat the man who shot you senseless. It took three men to pull him away. I
brought you home. Your father went for a doctor. I watched her examine
you."

"How
do I look?"

"Not
so good. The doctor wanted to shave your head. I threatened to shoot her if she
tried. So your hair is caked with blood, but that will wash out. You were
unconscious for hours. Now you are awake."

"I
don't think I'm ready to be awake just yet."

My first
thoughts were, "Why do I always get hurt so badly that I pass out?  Why
can't I get shot in the arms or leg instead?" I considered sleeping some
more when I smelled something good.

I
opened my eyes and saw Gwen holding a slice of toast under nose. My mother
said, "I told you that would wake her up. She loves jam on her
toast."

She
looked at me, "The doctor said all you get is soup so enjoy the smell.
I'll be right back with some."

I
tried to get a bite of the toast, but either Gwen was too fast, I was too slow,
or both.

Felix
and Mary were my next visitors of the morning. He told Gwen she could pick up
the power converter this evening. They had brought some kind of potted plant.
It looked like a cactus. I wasn't very talkative, but Mary and Gwen were. I
just listened and smiled.

I
had a nap before my girlfriends dropped by. They brought pretty flowers and
candy. Gwen took the candy before I could and put it on my dresser far away
from me. I introduced them to Gwen and the five of them conversed for hours
about things we would all do when I was better.

When
they left, Gwen asked me, "Can you tell me about those red welts you have
on your body?"

I
said, "Sometimes the jeebees get lucky."

"How
long ago did you get shot?"

"The
latest are at least six months old."

"They
don't look that old. Do they hurt?"

"Only
when the doctor touches them and asks if they still hurt. She thinks it is
strange that they don't heal."

"There
are things here that don't make sense. Like when the jeebees shot me and I
didn't feel anything. I'd like to ask your automaton a few questions. Hopefully
it has the answers I need."

"You
need to pay attention when you ask him anything. 'Tis difficult to get the
answer you seek on the first question. I can't explain it, but you'll
see."

 She
said, "I'll be back soon. Don't go anywhere."

"That's
wonderful; making jokes about bed-ridden people."

"It's
not a joke. I wouldn't be surprised if you tried something stupid. I'm going to
send your sister up to keep you company and make sure you stay in bed."

I
was hungry, and I was thirsty, and I didn't feel like being here any longer. I
expressed these things to my sister. She looked up from her reading and said
something that she thought was comforting. It wasn't. I shut my eyes as my head
felt better with them closed.

I
guess I napped again as the next thing I heard was Gwen asking, "How is
she doing?"

I
replied, "She... still has the same headache she had when you left."

My
sister added, "She's acting like a crab."

Gwen
puzzled through that expression. "Acting... Oh, she is being crabby.
That's okay. I'll take care of her."

"What
did you and Bradan talk about?"

"We
talked about what happened when the two of us got shot by the jeebees. You are
very fortunate to still be alive. The jeebees use a variation on a microwave
gun."

"I've
never heard of that. What is a microwave?"

"It
is like a radio at a very high frequency. Weapons using it are banned in all
civilised countries because of the damage it does."

"It
doesn't seem so bad. My rifle makes a nastier wound."

"The
microwave gun not only burns your skin, but cooks your internal parts as well.
I think you are still alive only because of those sensible undergarments that
you kept talking about. I am okay because my jumpsuit has a metallic weave
which redirected the energy into your cousin's device."

"Will
you be so kind as to let the jeebees know that I am cooked medium rare and
almost ready to be served?"

She
laughed. "I wish I knew a way to heal them. Is there anything else I can
do for you?"

"I
have a device in my jewellery box that's supposed to help me relax, deal with
pain, and just feel better. Could you get it for me?"

"What's
it look like?"

"It's
shaped like a valentine heart and has a key to wind it up."

She
held up the thing that I bought at the convention. "I guess this must be
it."

"You
wind it up for a minute, then remove the key to start it working."

She
gave it a puzzled look as she wound it. I heard the slight hum it made when she
removed the key. She said, "I didn't know wind-up vibrators existed. How
long does it run for?"

"The
woman said it would go for fifteen minutes, but it only hums for ten."

"It's
time for me to visit your cousin. I'll let you have this, and when I return,
I'll bring something much more relaxing."

The
woman who sold this said to place it a palm's width below my navel, but I
preferred placing it the same distance above it. It felt almost as good as
having a kitten purring on my chest.

My
guards changed. I was fairly certain I could make my way to the comfort room
without falling and splitting my head open, but my sister insisted that I
needed help. I think she was seeking revenge for all those times I had helped
my mother nurse her back to health. I had to admit she was less smothering than
Gwen though.

Gwen
was back within an hour. She said, "I don't believe your cousin likes
me."

"Just
because the day you arrive, you destroy his time viewer and the next day you
get his favourite cousin shot? What's not to love about you?"

"I
did not... It wasn't my fault... Oh! That's not it though. When I was there, he
stopped what he was doing for only a second to point out the power converter.
There wasn't even a simple greeting."

"That
means he was busy inventing. He has no manners when he gets that way. I hope
you didn't disturb his concentration much. The last time I distracted him, we
both ended up in a hospital for a day."

"I
don't think I disturbed him. I got the hint, took the converter, and left
quietly."

"That
he built the power converter for you so quickly means he likes you... Is that
what is making that buzzing noise downstairs?"

"Unfortunately,
that's it. I have everything recharging now so I can turn it off soon."

She
continued, "I got this out of my trunk." She held up a cup of clear
liquid. "Do you have a favourite perfume?"

"I
like the one in the tall clear bottle on my vanity the most. The one next to
the candy that I can't have."

Gwen
opened it, put a couple of drops in the cup, and stirred it with a finger.
"You won't be needing the vibrator now. Just set it aside and roll over
onto your stomach."

"What
are you going to do?"

"I'm
going to treat you to a sensual massage. A candidate for your very
great-grandson-in-law used to do this for me when I came home all stressed out.
He wasn't royalty, but he treated me like a princess. He said he loved me most
when I was all wet and shiny. I loved the way I felt when he finished."

There
was light and warmth on my eyelids. I didn't want to open them lest I was
somewhere that I was afraid to be. I heard Gwen singing and knew that I was
either alive or in heaven. I asked, "What does 'get high' mean?"

"That
is the really nice feeling one gets after drinking too much. 'I get high with a
little help from my friends'
[x]
means that I feel really happy when I am among friends... Good morning! How are
you feeling?"

"Not
as high as you, but better."

"That's
good to hear."

I
asked her, "What are you reading?"

"Fianna
Kelly and the Dance of Death"

"Don't
believe anything in there. It's all a fantasy from start to end."

"How
about 'Fianna Kelly: Queen of the Pirates'?"

"That
one is awful too. I prefer the 'Magnificent James Anderson' ones. They are more
inventive."

"Your
brother, Michael, gave me those to read as well. They are shorter than your
adventures. I've never shot a pistol out of a person's hand. Have you?"

"I
am not as skilled with a pistol as Jim."

"Jim?
Does that mean you have met this man?"

"We
were guests at a dinner hosted by a mutual friend. A few days later, we
performed together on stage. I can believe what is written even though he said
the stories aren't true."

"You
keep surprising me. Which one of your adventure stories is the best?"

"Have
you read 'Fianna Kelly at the World's Fair'? The editor removed the scenes with
Jim as he said they were boring."

"That's
the one where God sends down a lightning bolt and you can now see like a hawk,
right?"

"I
was out of the hospital bed in only a day after that."

"You
mean that part is true; you really got hit by lightning?"

"'Tis
true. My eyes are the same as they've always been though."

"How
about the part where you refuse the proposal of the handsome King?"

"The
editor thought the story needed more romance."

"Why
would you refuse him?"

I
laughed. "The United Kingdom needs me to keep the sun from setting on it.
I cannot go off and marry just anyone who comes along."

"Too
bad. I'd be a step closer to being born."

I'll
make sure that you will get born eventually. I'm waiting for a certain Count to
propose. I'd like being called 'Contessa Fianna'."

She
flipped the page. "Where do the writers get these ideas?"

"Sometimes
I send them my diary pages. Most of the time they just create something."

I
asked Gwen to fetch a glass of something cold and Felix passed her on her way
out. He said, "I have some interesting news for you."

I said,
"Don't keep me in suspense."

"I'd
like to have Gwen here so I don't have to repeat it."

"She'll
be back shortly." As if she was listening, and she probably was, she
walked back into my room.

"I
found out some useful things about the numbers on the displays," he began.
"As Gwen noticed, they changed when the jeebees came through."

"She
said you were ignoring her."

"I
was trying, but she is persistent... Anyway, they must have activated the
circuits that I thought were disconnected."

I
asked, "What does that mean?"

He
leaned back and boasted proudly, "I know where the jeebees came
from!"

Gwen
asked, "Where?"

He
said, "It looks like they found a cavern in Thirl Moor. For those without
maps at hand, that is a peak in the Cheviot Hills which border England and
Scotland."

I
thought about what he just said for a moment. This could be very good news.
There was the opposite side though. I said, "Do you think the jeebees know
where those three arrived? They could be planning to send a much larger force
here."

He
said, "No, I know for sure that my time viewer did not send its location
to them."

"Are
you sure?" I asked.

"Positive.
It cannot tell them what it doesn't know."

Gwen
asked, "What do we do now?"

They
were both looking at me. This was happening more frequently these days and I
wasn't sure how to react. It was nice that people both wanted and appreciated
my opinions. I wasn't sure I liked being the one that they turned to first for
important decisions. However, this was an opportunity to give Gwen something to
do for a few hours instead of doting over me.

I
said, "I need to ask a couple favours from both of you."

They
talked over each other trying to tell me that they would do anything for me.
Felix motioned for Gwen to go first. Gerald taught me that when possible to
phrase what I needed done as a question. He said people respond better to them
than to commands.

"Gwen",
I said, "Could you go to the telegraph office and send one to my employers
appraising them of this news?"

She
said, "I think I know where that is. It is next to the shoemaker,
right?"

Felix
said, "It's two doors down, but you can't mistake it once you get that
close."

I
resumed, "Don't bother waiting for a reply as those guys will be debating
what to do for hours, if not days."

She
said, "You write it. I'll send it."

"Felix",
I said, "You were going to inspect my airship. Can you do that
today?"

He
said, "Only for you."

"In
addition, since you find my adventures too dangerous, could you train Gwen to
work the controls on the Clover's cannon while you are in it?" I looked at
Gwen, "It takes two people to work it. One to regulate it and the other to
aim and fire."

Gwen
protested, "You are flat on your back and in no shape for battle."

"I
won't be here for much longer... And I'd still like something to drink, if it's
not a bother."

She
brought back a glass of water along with her trunk. "There's not much
extra space in the guest room. Do you mind if I leave him with you while I am
out?"

It
seemed okay to me. If only Bradan and it had something to talk about, they
could keep each other company. The water was nice, but I wanted something
nicer.

Gwen
returned from her errands after sundown, ecstatic over what she had learned. I
smiled and listened while she told me things I barely understood. She stopped abruptly.
She asked me, "Do you remember the story with James Anderson and the
Comanche Chief?"

"That
one is special to me. It was the first one I read after I met Jim and I fancied
myself as the Indian princess."

"As
fellow warriors, he and the chief became blood brothers. I'd like you to be my
blood sister."

"This
is going to hurt, isn't it?"

"More
than you can possibly know, but not as much as getting hit by lightning."

"Have
you been hit by lightning too?"

She
sighed. "Okay, that's a poor example. I can only promise you that you
won't regret it."

"Okay,
get out your Bowie knife and slice my forearm. I'm ready."

"I'm
just going to use this pin to poke our fingers. You can ask your friend the
next time you see him if they really made such large cuts."

She
poked four fingers on my right hand and four on her left. She held them
together with her other hand. I felt a warm sensation go up my arm to my head.
Then my head hurt again. It was like it was being pulled apart and then being
screwed back together.