Fighting Ever After (Ever After #3) (19 page)

She yanked
the belt from my jeans and next her small hands were pulling my shirt over my
head. I let her, leaning forward to make the task easier. When the shirt was
gone and there was nothing in her way, her lips found my neck, then my shoulder
and made their way down my chest. I reached around her back, undoing the clasp
there and then shoved the straps of her bra down her shoulders. Her head tipped
back, thrusting her chest out, making it easy for me to drop my mouth to one of
her full breasts, massaging the other with my hand. She purred and rocked her
hips as one of her hands slipped down. The slide of my zipper was audible over
her breathy little moans. I lifted my hips as she worked to free me from my
boxer briefs and take me into her soft hands.

Squeezing
and sliding her hands up and down my length finally brought it to life and I
thought just maybe I could do this. I dropped my hands to my sides and tipped
my head back, letting the sensation of what she was doing take over. I closed
my eyes, but that was a mistake, because when I did, all I could see was
Jax’s
face. Even when I felt, uh, whatever her name was,
slide down my body and come to rest between my legs, it wasn’t her I was
imagining. When I reached forward and tangled my hand in her locks as she
brought her lips down to me, I was disappointed. Her hair was too short and
thick with whatever shit she put in it, not silky like the long strands I
brushed out of Princess’ face. God help me, I knew it was sick and wrong. I was
a real son of a bitch, but when this girl’s lips wrapped around me, all I could
picture was my sweet Princess. My stomach felt sick, but I couldn’t deny the
pleasure it brought me. Suddenly, being aroused wasn’t a problem. I was rock
hard, like I should be with some girl sucking me, but it was all wrong and I
knew it. Even in my drunken haze, I knew it was wrong to wish I was with
someone else instead of this girl. She was better than this,
They
were both so much better than this, and for the first time, I actually felt
guilty for using someone to escape my shit.

I opened my
eyes and looked down at the blue ones, not silver, staring up at me, and again
I was struck by how wrong this was, how wrong she was. I gave her a firm shove,
enough to push her off of me. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” She looked confused
as I stood and started refastening my jeans. “This isn’t right. It’s not your
fault, but none of this is right. It was a mistake for me to come back here
with you.”

She didn’t
say anything as she searched for her clothing and redressed. She tossed my
shirt at me and let out a deep sigh.
“Can’t say I’m not
disappointed.
She’s some lucky girl that’s got you all twisted up in
knots.”

I was relieved
that she didn’t appear pissed, just disappointed as she’d said. I tugged on my
shirt and she plopped down on the sofa. She looked up at me expectantly. “You
might as well
sit,
I can’t let you leave on that bike
of yours after you downed half my bottle of Jack.” She had a point, and I
couldn’t call one of the guys either. This was awkward as hell, but I wasn’t
going anywhere, so I took a seat next to her.

“So what’s
so special about this girl that you couldn’t even look at me?” I raised an
eyebrow at her. “What? I may not make the wisest decisions, but I’m not an
idiot and I could tell from the beginning that you weren’t into it. So what did
your girl do, leave you for your best friend?

“No, nothing like that.
She was never mine,” I said solemnly.

“Oh, she
rejected you. Bet that doesn’t happen to you a lot.”

“No.”

“Well, it’s
good for your ego to take a hit every once in a while. You’ll get over it.”

“No, I
meant, she didn’t reject me, or, well she did, but not in that way. She doesn’t
actually know how I feel.”

“Ooh,
unrequited. That’s a bitch.”

“No, it’s
not that either. It’s just –” I paused and looked at her, “are we really going
to do this? I mean after all that.”

“Why not.
If we’re not going to have sex, we might as well talk.
Besides, it seems to me like you need that more than you need to get laid.”

I snorted.

“Well come
on, tell me about this girl and why you’re such a train wreck.”

“She’s
perfect.”

This time it
was her who snorted. “Hate to break it to you, but no girl is perfect.”

“You’re
right, she’s not. She’s sassy, self righteous, pushy, stubborn and infuriating
as hell. But she’s also sweet, kind, forgiving, beautiful,
brave
and one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. She’s been through hell, but she
doesn’t show it. She’s been given every reason to give up on . . . well,
everything, life, people, all of it, but she doesn’t.”

“Okay, so
she’s amazing. What’s the problem?”

“That is the
problem. I’m a bitter asshole with nothing to offer a girl like that. You said
I’m a train wreck tonight, but it’s not just tonight. This is me, this is what
I do, and I don’t want to bring her down with me.”

“Huh,” was
all she said as she considered my words for a minute. “How do you know that
would happen? Does she even have the same feelings?”

“I won’t let
it get that far.”

She snorted
again, “Oh I see. You just get to make that decision for the both of you?”

“Yes,” I
said sharply. “She doesn’t know what she’d being getting into being involved
with me.”

“Oh, so on
top of all those great qualities you listed, she’s a complete idiot?”

“What? No.”

“Then I’m
pretty sure she knows. One look and it’s obvious that you’re trouble, but
sometimes trouble isn’t such a bad thing.”

“In this
case, it would be. She doesn’t need any more trouble.”

“How do you
know what she needs?”

“I just do.”

“Of course
you do.” She rolled her eyes. “So tell me, what does she need?”

“Someone better than me.
Someone she can count on, who won’t let her
down,” I muttered softly.

“Oh geez,”
she expelled a deep breath. “It’s a good thing we didn’t have sex.”

I frowned.
“Why do you say that?”

“Because my
friend, you weren’t entirely honest with me.” I gave her a puzzled look, not
sure how I had been dishonest. I thought I was pretty up front from the
beginning. “You’re not as big of an asshole as you led me to believe. In fact,
I’m not really convinced that you are an asshole at all. Sure you’re more than
a little emotionally fucked up, but aren’t we all?”

“What the
hell are you talking about?” I asked her.

“I don’t
want any risk of feelings getting involved, mine or anyone else’s, so I only
sleep with assholes. You are not an asshole.”

I laughed,
“You might be the first person to ever say that to me.”

“I didn’t
say you weren’t capable of acting like an asshole, but I just don’t buy that
it’s who you really are. Beneath your rough exterior, you’re hiding a decent,
maybe even good, guy and I could see how it would be easy for a girl to fall
for you if she was smart enough to see through you. You said your girl was
smart, so I’d be willing to bet that she has already fallen for you.”

I scoffed.
“You’ve had too much to drink.”

“Yes, I
have. That doesn’t make me wrong. You’ve got this whole tortured hero thing
going on, trying to protect the girl you care about from yourself. Please, so
unoriginal.”

“Oh, if
you’re so smart, then tell me what I should do.”

“I don’t
have a fucking clue. Look at me. I’m a mess. I was going to have sex with a guy
I just met in a bar. Why the hell would you take advice from me?” We both
chuckled. We were quite a pair. We both clearly had our issues. “Have you even
talked to this girl about it? Do you know where she stands?”

“I don’t
know. She looks at me one way, but then says we should just be friends. She
opened up to me about some stuff, stuff she’s been through, and it just made me
realize even more how not good for her I would be, friend or otherwise.”

“So what’d
you do after she poured her heart out, or whatever, and told you her deep dark
secrets?”

“Well that
was this morning, or maybe yesterday – I’m not even sure what day it is
anymore. I went and got drunk and you know how that ended up. Here I am.”

“Never mind,
I take it back. You are a little bit of an ass. You just left?”

“I might
have yelled at her first,” I admitted guiltily.

“Well then,
I don’t think you have anything to worry about, you’ve probably killed any
chance of her having feelings for you after all.
Guys.
Bunch of idiots.
Always thinking they know best.” She
just shook her head. “Well Romeo, I don’t know what to tell you, but it seems
to me, that whatever you thought this would achieve,” she gestured between the
two of us, “you’re plan isn’t working. I don’t think you’re going to find your
answers in the bottom of the bottle or the arms of another girl. Why don’t you
sleep it off, and try to tackle your problems in the morning. I’m going to bed.
You can have the couch.”

She
disappeared into the room down the hall and a minute later reappeared with an
extra pillow and blanket in hand. “
Here.
If you
change your mind and decide you want to be a real asshole, you can come join
me,” she winked and I chuckled, but shook my head as I took the blanket and
pillow from her. “Damn. That’s what I thought. It’s a real shame. The face and
body of an asshole wasted on a guy who actually cares,” she teased.

“Just don’t
tell anyone.”

“Don’t
worry, your secret is safe with me, but would it be such a bad thing if she
knew you cared?”

“Yeah,” I
answered. “I think it would be.” No matter what she said, I wasn’t a good guy.
I wouldn’t even know where to start if I wanted to be. As soon as things got
complicated, or tough, like they did today, my first instinct was to run. I was
too selfish for anything else. Princess asked me before if I wanted her to hate
me. No, I didn’t, but maybe it would be best if she did.

The welcome
committee was out when I pulled my bike into the drive the next morning, or
almost afternoon. Ace’s car was missing, so I knew he and Spade had already
headed back to the city with Danny and Marcus, but I could see Chris standing
around a boat down by the water with
Vi
and Jake. Bas
and Princess were standing near the house watching me pull in. I avoided
meeting her eyes as I parked the bike and strode past her into the house. I
felt like shit and I just didn’t have it in me to feel any worse, and facing
her right now would mean acknowledging what a bastard I’d been. All I wanted
was a shower and to sleep for the next six hours, I might not even bother with
the shower.

I climbed
the two flights of stairs up to my room, or I guess our room, which I doubted
was still my room after what I pulled, but I didn’t have the energy to sort it
out. I practically collapsed on top of the mattress and the last thing I
registered before I passed out was the faint smell of vanilla and grapefruits
that lingered on the bedding. I was dead to the world for the next several
hours, until someone came into the room to rudely wake me up.

“Okay dick
face, get up.” It was Chris and he gave me a rough shove on the shoulder.

“Go away,” I
grumbled.

“No. You’ve
been sleeping all day and after the shit you pulled yesterday, it’s time for
you to answer some damn questions.”

“Not in the
mood.”

“Too bad.
What the hell happened yesterday?”

It was pretty
clear he wasn’t going away, so I pulled myself up and faced him. “I just needed
some time to clear my head,” I told him.

“And did
you? Clear your head?” He looked skeptical. “Cause I have to say, you look a
little fuzzy right now, man.”

I expelled a
deep breath, “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully.

“Well you
better figure it out, because that girl doesn’t deserve any crap from you. She
won’t admit it, but you made her feel pretty shitty yesterday when you couldn’t
deal.”

“I know.
That’s what I’m trying to avoid. That’s why I took off. I’m the last person she
needs in her life.”

“Maybe, maybe not.
If you want to be an idiot, that’s your choice,
but get up and get your ass downstairs, we’re going for a run.”

“Man, the
last thing I want to do is go for a run.” I still felt like shit. The throbbing
in my head had faded to a dull ache, but I wasn’t nearly recovered from last
night.

“That’s
exactly why we’re going, and don’t bother arguing. I’ll kick your ass all the
way down there. The state you’re in, you couldn’t even take Vi.” The sad part
was he was right. I grumbled and reluctantly dragged myself from the bed. He
made to leave the room, but I stopped him at the door.

“Wait,” he
turned to face me again, “is she . . .”

“No,” he
shook his head, “she’s not here. Her and
Vi
are doing
their girly thing. They caught the bus to Hyannis earlier.” I don’t know
whether it was relief or disappointment that I felt, but I acknowledged his
answer with a simple nod and then he left me alone. My mind returned to the
night before, and how I’d been unable to seal the deal with Andy – yes I
remembered her name now that I was sober. I thought about how lately, the
desire to be with anyone besides Jax wasn’t there. No girl held even half the
appeal that she did, and she brought out this side to me – this protective side
that cared more about someone else than myself. It was new and I didn’t know
what I was supposed to do with it.

Even if I
wanted to change, to try, Princess had already seen so much ugliness. If I let
her in, let her see me,
that’s
all she would find –
more ugliness. I was more than just jaded or bitter. I didn’t believe in that
true love conquers all bullshit and I had so much anger and hate inside me, I
couldn’t stand the thought of it touching her. I didn’t know how to let go of
it, and I had no doubt that if Jaxyn found out all about my history, at best
she would pity me. At worst . . . well either way, she would never truly want
me, and how could I blame her? It was better for both of us if I kept her at a
distance now, rather than risk letting her close. Neither of us needed any more
disappointments.

I forced
myself to throw on a pair of shorts and my running shoes. My whole body groaned
in protest just thinking about what Chris had in store for me. Jack had kicked
my ass last
night,
on top of that, Andy’s couch hadn’t
exactly been the most comfortable. I was wishing for at least another two or
three hours of sleep, and by the time Chris finished with me, I wasn’t even
sure if sleep could help me.

He ran my
ass a good four miles, each step increasing the pounding in my
head,
and by the time the house was in sight again, I was
ready to collapse in the yard. I would have thrown up if I’d had anything in my
stomach to throw up. On any other day, four miles would have been nothing. I
ran almost twice that most days, but most days I didn’t drink as much as I had
last night. “You’re a bastard, making me run with a hangover from hell,” I told
him between breaths.

“You
deserved it,” he said, stretching out his limbs. It was true. I did deserve it,
which is why I’d let him get away with it in the first place.

“Now go take
a shower, ‘
cause
you’re a damn wreck. Then get dressed
and there’ll be a burger waiting for you. You look like you could use some food
on top of that shower.” Even though I felt sick, my stomach growled just
thinking about biting into a burger. The sandwich yesterday was a distant
memory, I hadn’t eaten anything since.

After my
shower, I managed to dress and drag myself back downstairs. As promised, there
was a fat, juicy burger with my name on it. I groaned when I bit into it, not
even noticing that Bas had joined me in the kitchen. I could hear the sounds of
Call of Duty coming from the family room, so I assumed that’s where the other
two were.

“You look
like hell.” I looked up at Bas, taking in the blank expression he wore.

“So I’ve
been told,” I answered wary of whether or not he was going to hit me. I set the
burger down just in case. “Do I need to worry about you kicking my ass? I
wouldn’t even be able to stop you the way I’m feeling right now.”

“You get a
pass this time, because I know it was a lot to handle, but the next time you
tell her to trust you and then make her cry, I’m going to have to mess that
pretty face up,” he said, giving me a half smile. It was something. He had
every right to be pissed at me, and I hated hearing that I’d made her cry.

“She okay?”
I asked.

“Sure.
If you believe her.”
It was hard to tell if he did or not.

“What did
she say when I took off?”

“That she didn’t
care. That she doesn’t need anything from you. You’re just a reckless jerk or
something like that.” I knew he was watching closely for my reaction, and I
couldn’t deny that hearing she’d said those things hurt, even if they were
true.

“Good,”
was
all I said, shoving aside the hurt and going back to my
burger.

“You know, I
heard what you said to her out on that porch yesterday, about not bottling shit
up and letting it destroy you. I think you should take your own advice. All you
do is bottle shit up, and you’ve been doing it most of your life. Don’t you
think you’ve held onto it long enough? You deserve some peace,
Ky.
You’ve got to let it go.”

“It’s too
late man. I’ve already destroyed any shot at me finding peace,” I told him
solemnly.

He let out a
frustrated sigh and left the room, mumbling something like
‘damned idiot’
.

I sat in
silence and finished my burger. It went a long way in bringing me back from the
land of the dead, but lounging on the couch, kicking ass and blowing shit up
was about all I was up for the rest of the day. I pretended not to watch the
clock, wondering when Jax would be back, just like I pretended not to eavesdrop
when she called to check in with Bas to say they were catching the bus back. By
that point, the day was gone. The sun had long since gone down and the guys
were talking about moving our little party from the couch to the hot tub
outside.

That’s where
we were when Bas and Jake left me and Chris to go pick up the girls, filling me
with a mix of dread and anticipation. I wasn’t sure how she would be toward me;
if she’d brush it off and act like it was no big deal, or be angry and cold
toward me.

I didn’t
have to wait long to find out. Once the girls were back, it wasn’t fifteen
minutes before
Vi
climbed in the hot tub and onto
Jake’s lap. Jax wasn’t far behind her in a pair of girly swimming shorts and a
tank top. It was a reminder of the bag that was still . . . shit, I didn’t know
what I’d done with it, or if I could even give it to her now.

For the
first few minutes, Princess seemed tense and on edge, like she was waiting for
something and she avoided eye contact with me. Eventually she seemed to loosen
up and relax, maybe once she realized I wasn’t going to be a dick again or
bring up yesterday. Damn, was it really only yesterday that everything went to
hell?

I crashed on
the couch that night, unable to bring myself to join Jaxyn in the bed on the
third floor. I wanted to, more than anything, but I knew I wouldn’t be welcome
and doing that sure as hell wouldn’t be staying away.

The next day
I made sure to keep my distance as well. It was a big ass house and property,
so it was easy to do. She also slept really late, or at least it wasn’t until
noon that she came down. I knew because even though I was staying away, I was never
very far. I watched her through the large bay window, reading out in the
hammock for a while, and then I watched her paint her toe nails out on the pool
deck while the rest of them splashed in the pool. Eventually she joined them,
but all day her smile had been off and it was eating at me.

It made me
not only
feel
like a creep for watching her all day,
but an ass because I had ruined this trip for her. I passed by the pool on my
way out of the house to let Chris know I was going for a ride. I just needed to
get out for a while, get away from her, but even putting distance between us
physically didn’t help. Twenty miles down the road, my mind was still on her
and how much more difficult this was all turning out to be than I thought it
would.

After a while,
I was going to run out of cape and either
drive
into
the ocean or have to turn my ass around and head back, so I stopped along the
beach. I kicked off my boots, and rolled up my jeans, walking down onto the
sand. Everywhere there were kids with their families on vacation, groups of
teenagers hanging out, college girls sunning themselves, college girls sunning
themselves in really tiny bikinis I might add. From the inviting looks and
appreciative smiles I received as I passed by a few of them, I could have tried
a repeat of the other night, but without the alcohol I couldn’t even fool
myself into thinking I was the slightest bit interested. Eventually that was
going to be a problem that I would have to do something about. I couldn’t have
Jax, but I also wasn’t about to become a monk. The last few weeks were the
longest I’d ever gone without sex since I took Lacey
Stinton
in the back of my Porsche, senior
year,
three weeks
after Elaina fucked me over and left.

Pulling back
into the drive a couple hours later, I saw that Ace and Spade were back from
the city and the barbecue was fired up for dinner already. I didn’t bother
going inside, and just joined them out in the yard. Jax looked up at me and
then quickly away, turning back to the card game she and Ace were playing. When
he noticed me, I nodded and he responded by giving me the finger. It was safe
to say he wasn’t happy with me and it looked like he was
Jax’s
new best friend. He was a good guy, my best friend, and I knew he would take
care of her, but I still wanted to punch him.

It wasn’t
until later, when I was carrying plates inside to the kitchen, that Ace finally
came up to me. He had his hands full with empty bottles. “Man, you’re such a
dick sometimes,” he said, dropping the bottles into the recycling.

“Is that all
you want to say? If it is, save it, I already know.”

“No, I’m
also going to tell you instead of feeling shitty about it and convincing
yourself that you’re not good for her, just quit being a dick.”

“That easy
is it?” I pushed past him to head back outside. He stopped me with a hand on my
shoulder.

“Yeah man,
actually it is. I know you, and you’re running scared because you don’t want to
hurt her or whatever bullshit excuse you’re hiding behind. You’ve already got
it all figured out, decided how it’s going to go, but you haven’t even fucking
tried to give it a chance. If you don’t want to hurt her, then just don’t.
Don’t be that guy.”

“Thanks for
the advice, but you don’t know anything. You’re under the impression that I
actually want a relationship with her, well here’s the truth; I just wanted to
fuck her. That’s it,” I said bluntly.