Fighting Ever After (Ever After #3) (21 page)

Shit, I
could barely stand me right now. I gave the girls a look and nodded my head in
the opposite direction. Thankfully they got the hint,
then
I looked back at Ace. “You know, she’s already got one protector, I don’t think
she needs another one.”

“Fuck you,
Ky.
This isn’t even about her. This is about you. I mean,
are you happy now? You probably just succeeded in making her hate you. I know
that’s what you were trying to do.”

“You don’t
know shit.”

“You’re
right. I don’t, and I guess I can’t really blame you.” Not what I expected to
hear, because hell, I blamed me. “I didn’t realize how fucked up she was. She
hid it so well beneath that sweet exterior, but I don’t think I’d want to get
mixed up in all her baggage either. Not even the hottest ass is worth that.”
His words were barely out of his mouth before I was on him, grabbing him around
the collar and shoving him backward.

“Don’t you
ever fucking say that shit about her
again!
” I roared,
ready to take his damn head off if he did; I was burning up inside with
rage.  It was only when I realized he was making no move to defend
himself, and actually looked pleased, that it sunk in that he’d baited me.

“Yeah, so
tell me again how I don’t know shit.” He pushed me away.

I looked
around and saw all eyes on us, there were even a few onlookers out in the crowd
that had started to gather. I doubted they could hear what was going on, but
they were sure as hell getting a show. At some point Bas had returned and was
watching as well.

My eyes fell
back on Ace and I took a step back and sucked in a few calming breaths.

“You were
right when you said she’s already got a protector.” Ace brushed off his shirt,
relaxed like nothing had happened. “You’re clearly willing to fight for her.
You’ve proved you can keep her safe and do whatever you have to, to stop anyone
from hurting her. Yet you’re still convinced that you’re the worst thing that
could happen to her.”

“Maybe.
Or maybe I’m convinced that she would
fucking
rip out my heart if I let her anywhere near it. Maybe all you bastards are
right and I have feelings for her, but I wouldn’t know what to do with them if
that were true. My history is a string of endless girls I fucked and
left,
all because I still hate the bitch who fucked me and
left. You think I don’t know how unhealthy that is? I can’t change who I am, I
can’t turn the fucking hate off and make it go away, and what do you think
Jaxyn would do if she really got a good glimpse of it, of me? She’d run the
other direction to get away from it, like she should.” Ace started to protest,
but it was Bas who stopped him, stepping forward, shaking his head.

“You’ve just
decided this? Played it all out in your head and come to the conclusion that
she could never possibly care about you if she really knew you?”

I ran a
frustrated hand through my hair, ready to pull it out. Why couldn’t they just
let this be? But they couldn’t.

“You’re a
coward, and you’re fucking wrong. She’s the one person I know who could really
know you, all of you, even the ugly shit, and be able to look past it all, and
you won’t even give her the chance.”

“She
shouldn’t have to,” I uttered dejectedly. Even if he was right, and I wasn’t
convinced that he was, she still deserved more than me.

“What?” Bas
frowned and folded his arms across his chest.

“She wants
to be swept off her damn feet and to get married and have a family. She wants
someone to pull her out of all this darkness she’s lived in, and I care about
her enough to want that for her, but it will never be me. Even if I wanted her,
I still don’t want that. I’ll never want to get married or want kids, and how
could I pull her out of the dark when I’ve been living in it for most of my
life. How could I ever pursue something with her, knowing I can’t offer her the
future she wants? That would make me the bastard and asshole you all keep
accusing me of being, and I won’t do it.”

“No, instead
you just humiliated her, shoved all of her insecurities back in her face and
rejected her and any possibility of friendship between you two, which if I’m
not mistaken, is the only thing she’s ever actually asked you for.” 

That about summed it up.

“She’s
better off for it.”

“No she’s
not, because instead of blaming you, like she should, she’s going to make this
her fault.”

“Well it’s
too damn late now. Everything is fucked up, so it is what it is. Damn it!” I
cursed, kicking at one of the amps.

“Then fix
it,” he spat.

“How the
hell do you propose I do that?”

“Simple, stop fucking it up.
She doesn’t deserve it and everyone is
tired of hearing about how it’s all for her, that you’re doing the right thing,
because it’s bullshit. The right thing would be to stop thinking about yourself
and just be her damn friend, because contrary to what you might think, that’s
all she needs right now.”

“Hey guys,
finish this later. We have to get ready to go on.
Ky
,
pull it together.” Chris picked up the bottle I threw down earlier and righted
the amp. I scrubbed a hand over my face. This was such a mess and I was
supposed to just fix it. I didn’t even know if I wanted to fix it, or if I
could.

After
finishing the show, we all celebrated there in town, but I took the time to
sober up. Nobody mentioned Jaxyn again, even though Bas kept shooting me
concerned looks all night. Every time I thought he was right, and that I’d done
a stupid thing pushing her away, I came up with ten more reasons why being her
friend would be complicated as fuck,
and
more of a
headache than I needed. When we got back to the house, sometime around two,
most of the lights were off and it was silent. I don’t know what came over me,
but I didn’t stop myself from climbing the stairs to her room.

When I
looked down at her – knees curled into her chest, hands tucked under her cheek,
sleeping peacefully – all those reasons went out the window. Somehow she’d
managed to kick the blanket off, and even though it wasn’t cold, I still found
myself dragging it back up, covering her and tucking it around her body.

In sleep,
all the hurt and anger I’d seen earlier on her face had melted away, and I had
the answer to my question. I did want to fix it. I still didn’t know if it was
right, but with hardly a trace of alcohol left in my system, things seemed a
little clearer. I was an idiot for a lot of reasons, the biggest one though,
for thinking I could just push her out of my life and just walk away. I had to
find a way to make it up to her. I could find a way to be her friend, because
the only alternative, being nothing, wasn’t one I could live with.

Even though
it was so very wrong, and would do little to endear me to Jax, and most likely
only make matters worse, I didn’t turn around and take the steps back down to
the oversized sofa waiting for me. I ditched my t-shirt and jeans instead, and
climbed onto the other side of the bed. I was giving myself this; it would be
the last time I would entertain thoughts like these, thoughts of more, or so I
told myself.

I maneuvered
under the covers, sliding in close to her, and even though I risked waking her
up, I needed to feel her in my arms. I wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling
her to me. I slipped my other arm under her head and curled my body around
hers. She sighed softly in her sleep, her body so perfectly relaxed. I brushed
her hair away from her face, exposing her bare shoulder and neck, and I
couldn’t resist the temptation. I dropped my lips to her warm skin. I didn’t
stop at the kiss though, like I should have. I slid the hand that was wrapped
around her waist, just under the hem of her skimpy tank top and rested it
there, rubbing slow circles on her stomach.

The soft
little moan that escaped her lips only encouraged me further. I knew it was
insane, that she had no idea this was really happening, and if she did she’d
likely take my balls off, but I was going to be selfish with her, just this
once. I continued to trail faint kisses up her shoulder, along her neck until I
came to her ear.

“If ever
there was someone who made me want to believe in love again, it would be you.
I’m just sorry it’s not enough,” I whispered against her skin, leaving one
final kiss. “Sweet dreams, my beautiful Princess.”

I couldn’t
imagine how any dream could be sweeter than reality right now.

Falling
asleep with Princess in my arms was almost as good as waking up in the morning,
when the sun started peeking in through the windows, and seeing her still
curled up in my arms and feeling her so soft and warm, pressing into me in all
the right places. The sweetest kind of torture, and I’d inflicted it on
myself
. I wouldn’t take it back though. I’d enjoy every last
moment of it, of her, right up until she woke and threw me out.

For the longest
time, I just laid there, too afraid that even the slightest movement would
disturb her, but I knew it was inevitable and there were a few things I wanted
to take care of before I faced her.

I
reluctantly extricated myself from the bed and went downstairs to see if Bas
was awake yet. I found him in the kitchen, and at first he was surly with me,
until I told him what I wanted to do. He told me it was about time I pulled my
head out of my ass, and then he helped me arrange everything for this morning.
When we had a plan in order, I quietly slipped back upstairs and into the bed.

It was time
for her to wake up, so I took advantage of the opportunity to taste her skin
one more time, dropping kisses along the curve of her shoulder and neck. A
sleepy little sigh escaped her and she tipped her head to allow me better
access. She snuggled deeper under the covers and into my embrace, pressing her
ass up against me.  I groaned at her surrender, even though she wasn’t
aware of what she was doing.

I continued
feathering my lips over her skin, my hand spread across her lower abdomen,
holding her hips in place. I could tell she was starting to come to and it
would only be a matter of seconds before she was fully aware of what we were
doing.

Her chest
heaved a long, deep sigh.
“
Mmmm
.”

Every time
she breathed, her bottom rubbed me dangerously. I was playing with fire here,
but it felt so good. I groaned again and that was the moment I felt her entire
body stiffen and go still. I waited to see what she was going to do. After a
minute, she tried to relax and pretend she was still sleeping, but I knew she
was wide awake. Play time was over and we had to chat, or well, I had to chat
and hope she would listen.

“I know
you’re awake, Princess, so you might as well just open your eyes.”

She made a
little irritated noise and then turned to face me, a hard glare fixed on her
face. “Ugh. I thought I was just having a nightmare, but turns out it was
real.”

Nightmare my ass.
“Didn’t seem like a nightmare to me.” I knew I
shouldn’t be goading her, but we both knew she’d been enjoying herself right up
until she realized it wasn’t dream. She scowled, but part of her face was
covered by her hair. It was a little on the crazy side, but cute nonetheless. I
reached forward to brush it out of her face, but when I did, she jerked away
from me.

“Why are you
here? You need to get the hell out now.” Her harsh words were the reminder I
needed to get serious. I had some groveling to do.

“I need to
apologize to you for yesterday.” I looked away from the anger in her eyes and
combed a hand through my hair. I was really fucking nervous, which was odd
because I didn’t get nervous, but I was so afraid that I had messed things up
for good. “I need to apologize for more than just yesterday. I’ve let you down
in a lot of ways.”

She snorted,
“Really? You think?”

“Look, I’m
sorry. I acted like an asshole. You trusted me like I asked you to and then I
didn’t handle it well at all. I’m sorry that I lost it, I’m sorry for
everything that I said.”

She just shook her head.
“I know it
wasn’t easy to hear those things, that it was a lot to ask you to accept, but
you didn’t just lose it. You were vicious. You treated me like some clingy
whore you were dismissing.” I winced, but it was true. “You can’t take that back,
so save the apologies.”

“I know,” I
sighed regretfully. “There’s nothing I can say that will excuse it, but let me
try to explain,” I pleaded, knowing I wasn’t doing a very good job of this
whole groveling thing, but this was the first time I’d ever been in a position
where I needed to.

“Fine.”
She folded her arms around her knees and sat back against
the headboard.

“It was
never about me not accepting you, or being mad at you. So don’t think that.”

“That’s not
how it seemed,” she muttered acerbically, lowering her eyes.

“Please just
let me finish.”

She looked
at me and I could see the debate in her eyes. “Okay,” she gave in.

“I don’t do
this – this caring about people shit – not very well anyway. The moment I met
you, I wanted you under me and that was it. When you turned me down,
repeatedly,” I grinned at the memory of how feisty and determined she’d been to
put me in my place. She just rolled her eyes, but let me continue. “I saw it as
a challenge, one I was determined to win. I lied when I agreed to be your
friend. I never wanted to be your friend.”

She scowled
at me. I needed to turn this around quick and get to the point.

“I know, I
know. That makes me a dick, but I just didn’t care. It’s never mattered to me
before. That’s not true anymore. I care. I fucking care a lot and I don’t know
what to do about it. I don’t know what to do with any of these things I feel
for you. You’ve been through hell, and I have no idea how to be the kind of
friend you need, because you deserve better. All I want to do is kill that son
of a-” She glared again at the word that was about to come out of my mouth and
pretty much made my point for me.

“Sorry, but
that’s just it, I swear and drink and I like sex. I’m a jackass and I’m fine
with that, or at least I was. You asked me yesterday if the alcohol and girls
were helping. They’re not. Not anymore. I want to kill Connor and your dad and
everyone who hurt you, but I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to be
here for you. Instead of trying, I acted like an asshole. It’d be easier if you
just hated me. At least that’s what I thought, but fuck, I don’t want you to
hate me.”

 “I
don’t hate you,” she relented, “but I don’t know what you want from me. You
confuse the hell out of me, especially coming in here like you did last night
and . . .” She couldn’t even say it. The blush on her cheeks was adorable.

“And what, Princess?”

“You know
what. You were touching me.”

I laughed.
“Way to make me sound like some pervert.”

“You know
what I’m talking about,” she hissed.

“No I don’t.
I wasn’t in here last night. I came in here about half an hour ago to see if
you were awake yet.”

She looked
taken aback and stared at me disbelievingly. “No, you were in here. It wasn’t a
dream.” She didn’t sound as sure of herself now.

“What wasn’t
a dream? Were you dreaming about me last night Princess?” I teased and watched
her swallow back her embarrassment. “You really didn’t come in here at all last
night?” She narrowed her eyes skeptically.

 “Yeah,
I did,” I
chuckled,
only she didn’t find it quite as
amusing.

 
She glared and then snapped at me,
“Why do you always have to be such an ass and try to mess with me?”

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist. You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“You’re a
dick.”

“I thought
we already established that. Are you pissed at me again?”

“I don’t know, maybe. I just want an
explanation for why you came in here last night?”
Once again, that
embarrassed
red hue took over her face and her hands were
fidgeting with the sheet she had pulled over her lap. I didn’t know if she was
embarrassed that it happened, that she hadn’t stopped it or that she had liked
it, but I wasn’t out to make her feel bad. As much as I wanted to acknowledge
what it meant to me, the truth wouldn’t do either of us any good.

“The only
one I’ve got is I was drunk.” It was a lie, but I hoped it was one she could
accept. “I talked to the guys after you left, more like they had an
intervention and threatened to kick my ass and then we worked some stuff out. I
felt like shit for how I treated you, and for some reason I thought it would be
a good idea to rush up here as soon as we got back so I could apologize. You
looked too peaceful to wake up, and like I said, I was drunk. I couldn’t help
myself. I probably shouldn’t have gotten into the bed with you,” she raised her
eyebrows, “okay I shouldn’t have gotten into the bed with you. I’m sorry.”

“You keep
saying you’re sorry, but your excuses aren’t going to cut it anymore. I can’t
play these games. What exactly is it that you want from me?” she asked.

“I want to
give the whole
friends
thing a shot. A real shot.” I hoped she could see the sincerity on my face,
because this time I meant it.

I could see
the skepticism as she scrutinized me. “You just said that you didn’t know how to
be my friend? That it was too much for you?
And before, you told me you wished you could go
back to before you met me.”

I did and it
probably would be. I hesitated, dropping my head to my hands in frustration,
running them through my hair before looking back up at her. I asked myself one
more time if I was sure. I wasn’t, but I owed it to her to be completely honest
and let her decide for herself.

 “I
know, and you’d be smart to tell me to fu – I mean
ef
off. The truth is, you twist me up inside, and there is something between us,
but you were right when you said you weren’t the only one with shit to deal
with. I’m not a good guy. I’ll never be a good guy and that’s what you deserve.
I’ll probably suck at being your friend too, but I want to try if you’ll give
me a chance. ”

I watched
her face for any sort of sign or reaction as she weighed it in her head.
“Friends?
Seriously this time?”
She
asked.

 
“Seriously.
I promise no more bull shit. I won’t lose it
again, and I won’t play anymore games. I won’t try to sleep with you. That’s
not what I want anymore.” Well that was a lie, but it wasn’t what I wanted most
anymore. Last night when I climbed into bed with her was a drunken lapse in
judgment. It wouldn’t – couldn’t – happen again.

 “Okay.
Friends then.”
A part of me was so relieved and
stunned. I hadn’t just expected a “no,” I’d expected a “hell no.” She was too
forgiving. She hadn’t even slapped me when she should have for climbing into
her bed. Another part of me hated that damn word;
friends.

“Does this
mean you’re going to stop calling me Princess?” She looked hopeful.

“Not a
chance.” I grinned. “I’m still me. I can’t turn that off.” Just like I couldn’t
resist leaning forward, bringing my face level with hers so that there were
mere inches between us. She watched me closely for what I was going to do. Her
big, bright eyes staring into mine were almost distracting and I could have
easily let myself get lost in them. This girl was something else, but allowing
that would defeat the purpose of everything we’d just established. So I brought
my hand up to her hair, slowly, not breaking eye contact, and lightly combed my
fingers through her wild mess of hair. Then I smiled playfully at her and
jumped back, yanking her blanket away with me. “Time to get up, we’ve got
things to do today.”

“Huh?” She
tried tugging the blanket back, but I held onto it firmly.

“You heard
me, and this is your warning, you better be downstairs in five, or I’m coming
for you.” I tossed the blanket in a heap at the foot of the bed and turned to
walk out of the room. I felt something soft smack me in the back of the head
and I chuckled. “Five minutes.” I told her, shutting the door behind me.

She was
smart, and five minutes later, just as I was getting ready to go up there, she
appeared in the kitchen.
“Cutting it close, Princess.
I was looking forward to dragging you down here.” I winked and then went back
to slicing the fruit in front of me. I looked up again when I heard Spade.

“
Mmm
, will you marry me Rainbow?” He was stuffing his face with
the muffins she had baked, which were admittedly pretty damn delicious. I’d
already eaten two.

 “Excuse
me?” She asked him.

“These
muffins and cookies are the shit. I’ll hand over all my credit cards and bank
info and buy you any diamond you want, if you promise to bake for me every day
for the rest of my life.” She shook her head and laughed at him, continuing to
the breakfast bar.

“Was that a
yes?” he asked between bites.

 “No,”
she chirped.

“Well, was
it a no?”

“No,” she
teased him smilingly.

“So you’ll
think about it?” I ignored the rest of the chatter and returned my attention to
what I was doing. It wouldn’t do me any good to slice my finger with the knife.
Although, maybe then Princess would play nurse.