Finding Faith (27 page)

The following Monday after I went
and checked the condo and dusted, I stopped by the adult education
place and got an appointment with the advisor. I’d never been more
serious about getting back in school and making a better life for
me and my son.

Tuesday, when I went to work, the
boys were back. They were lounging on the couch and laughing about
random stuff. The pretty blonde girl, Patience, was with them
again, and I thought it was cute every time I saw her and her
boyfriend, Zeke, the lead guitarist, being all sweet alone in the
corner.

I longed for some form of male
attention. Not sex so much, but at that point, someone telling me I
was pretty would be enough. I felt awful all the time and it
reflected on the outside. Now that I wasn’t stuck under my father’s
thumb, I could take the time to clean myself up. Maybe dress a
little better or put on makeup, but who had time and money for that
kind of stuff?

“
Man, I would’ve tapped that ass
two times, and then when I was done that second time, I would’ve
tapped it again since all good things come in threes,” the one
named Chet said loudly.

The guys around him laughed,
including Finn.

“
I still can’t believe you didn’t
fuck her, Finn. You should’ve sent her my way if you weren’t
feeling it.”

“
Chill with the language, man. My
girl’s in the room,” Zeke said as he pulled Patience closer to his
side.

Finn looked over at me and I turned
my head quickly. Apparently, Finn was still living his wild playboy
life. I remembered the way he looked sitting on that couch with his
eyes closed as Jenny, worked her body on top of him. The thought of
them together still made me sick four years later. Actually,
hearing them talk about Finn getting laid while on tour made me
sick, too.

I ignored them and went straight to
the back bedrooms to get to work. I made the bed and cleaned up
trash in Finn’s room first so I didn’t get stuck in his room with
him again. I was working on his bathroom when I felt someone behind
me.

I wasn’t in the mood for him. I
didn’t think I could take any more rude remarks. I’d woken up that
morning with my period and I had a severe case of PMS. I was angry
and emotional and I honestly didn’t think I could sit there and
take his crap without responding this time.

When I turned around, he was
standing behind me, watching me work. I turned my head and
continued. If I could get it done as soon as possible, then I could
leave. Water from cleaning the countertop had spilled onto the
floor, so I grabbed one of towels from the little bucket I took to
work with me and started to clean it up. I was positive I had it
all, but when I started to clean the shower, I slipped on a slick
spot and fell face first into the hot shower water.

Embarrassment set in as the hot
water ran over my hair and into my eyes. I put my hands out to lift
myself, but the chemicals I’d sprayed on the slick tile kept making
me slip. I couldn’t get up.

A set of large hands grabbed me
around the waist and lifted me like I weighed nothing. Once I was
on my feet, I pushed my sopping wet hair from my face and reached
for a towel to dry myself.

“
Thank you,” I said to
Finn.

The words felt like bees stinging
the back of my throat. I would’ve much rather endured the bees than
to have to say thank you to him. Still, it was the right thing to
do, and even though I didn’t go to church every day the way I used
to, I still knew the difference between what was right and what was
wrong.

“
Don’t worry about it,” he
said.

I looked up at him, but he wasn’t
looking at my face. Instead, his eyes were glued to my chest. I
hadn’t noticed it, but my light-blue shirt was plastered to my
body. My simple black bra was showing clearly through the thin
fabric. It was the only colored bra I’d ever owned, and I only
bought it because I could once my parents divorced.

I pulled at my shirt and then
wrapped my arms around myself. I started to walk away, but Finn
grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him. I hated my body for
reacting as my nipples hardened and my breathing
accelerated.

He stared down at me, blue eyes
taking me in. I felt naked even though I was still fully covered,
and I was starting to shiver. I couldn’t decide if that was because
of Finn or because of my swim in the shower.

“
No more boring white cotton?” he
asked with a sexy smirk.

He was playing with me again. I
reached up and pried his fingers from around my arm. I jerked my
body away from him and turned and left the room. I think I hated
him more in that embarrassing moment than I had over the last four
years.

He laughed behind me and then I
heard him saying something that made me so angry I had to go to
another bathroom and cool down.

“
I tainted the preacher’s daughter
and now she thinks it’s okay for her to wear black. Only sexy women
make black look good.”

He was right. I had no business
wearing black anything. I was still a boring, white cotton
girl.

Twenty-Two

Finn

Black had never looked so fucking
sexy—never. An angel in the devil’s clothing, holy shit, it was a
turn on. The way she felt in my arms when I pulled her from the hot
shower had been a thing that my memories were made of. I guess some
things never changed and Faith’s body was one of them.

I hated that my cock got hard just
by looking at her bra through her shirt, but I couldn’t take it
anymore. I hadn’t had sex since Faith came back into my life. Not
for lack of trying, but I couldn’t seem to go through with it. It
was like I’d turned into the biggest puss the world had ever
seen.

I stuck my hand in my pocket and
wrapped it around the cross that I carried around with me
everywhere. It was the only thing I had to show for having ever
known Faith, other than the hurtful letter she’d sent me right
after she left. That I kept in my wallet. For a while, I’d worn the
cross charm on a chain around my neck, but after having a
particularly rough night, I’d ripped it off. Ever since that night,
it was in my pocket, always.

At first, it had been a reminder of
what I was holding on to, but these days, it was a reminder of what
I was running from—love. I’d run from that shit for the rest of my
life. I couldn’t go through what I’d gone through before. I could
hardly believe I’d made it through it the first time. I’d lost my
friends in a terrible accident, and then within days, I lost the
only girl I’d ever loved.

It seemed as though the more time I
spent with her, the more the memories of the past came to me. Some
of those memories were so sweet my stomach hurt just thinking about
it, but some had taught me all I knew about being a hard ass and
not letting anyone in. I was starting to think that keeping her
around and taunting her wasn’t worth the old memories and that
maybe I should fire her.

I opened my wallet and pulled at
the crinkled letter. I unfolded it and read it to myself. Every
time I felt myself slipping, I’d read the letter and
regroup.

Finn,

I can’t be with someone I’m
ashamed of. As a God-fearing Christian, I think it’s best if I
stayed away from you. Please do not contact me ever again. What we
had was nothing more than me trying to get back at my father. It
was not love, and I think the best thing is to never speak to each
other again.

Have a nice life.

Faith

Even her handwriting hadn’t been
sweet. Most girls had bubbly, easy-to-read handwriting. Faith’s had
been jagged like the letter itself, and I used to have a hard time
reading it. It was memorized after four years, but still, it hurt
so good to read it to myself every now and again.

After the whole black bra
situation, I made it a point to stay away from Faith. I hadn’t
decided yet if I wanted her gone from the job completely, but until
I figured it out, staying away was the best I could come up
with.

I went out with the guys every
chance I got and flirted with beautiful women in hopes that
something would spark interest for me and I could take one of them
home, but every time, I ended up going home alone.

When we were on the road, girls
swarmed our bus and offers were laid on the table for me left and
right, but I couldn’t do it. The boys were starting to take notice
and ask what the hell was wrong with me.

“
Dude, when’s the last time you
had a piece? You’re starting to look pale and shit. It’s not
natural—especially when there are hot-ass females begging to slob
your knob,” Chet said as he took a hit from his blunt.

He passed it my way and instead of
turning it down like I’d originally thought I would, I took it from
him and hit it three times before I passed it back.

“
You worry entirely too much about
my cock, Chet. Is there anything you want to tell me?” I
laughed.

His face got serious. “Yes. Please
give it to me, big Daddy.” He joked before he jumped on top of me
and pretended to hump my leg.

“
Get the fuck off me!” I
laughed.

Zeke stepped onto the bus and
looked at us like we were crazy. Tiny was right behind
him.

“
What the fuck?” they said at the
same time.

We played three shows in Texas
after that, and it was going to be another month before we went
back home. I was glad I wouldn’t have to see Faith again for a
while, and I hoped by the time I did, I’d have my shit
straight.

Over that month, I stayed high the
entire time. I’d sing to the crowd with my eyes closed some nights,
unable to keep them open. The crowd didn’t seem to give a fuck. As
long as we were there and I opened my mouth, they were
happy.

One night in particular, I’d gotten
so drunk before the show that I accidently fell off the stage.
Thankfully, the crowd below caught me and surfed me out and back. I
played it off to the rest of the band as if I’d done it on
purpose.

A few times, I took a couple of
girls back to my room or the bus, but I’d always leave them hanging
or call Chet in to entertain. He didn’t seem to mind having all the
ladies to himself. I couldn’t force myself to be interested. Zeke
was in love, and Tiny was whatever he was. Who fucking knew when it
came to him?

By the time I walked in the door to
our place, I was exhausted. All I wanted was a hot shower in my own
bathroom and my bed. The condo was spotless, as usual, as I walked
through. When I got to my room, I tossed my bags on the bed and
pulled off my shirt.

Grabbing some towels out of my
linen closet, I turned on the shower and started toward my closet
to grab some clothes. I pulled open the door and almost stepped on
Faith, who was sitting Indian style on the floor, surrounded by
books.

She looked up at me in shock before
she started to hurry and clean the space around her.

“
I was wondering when you were
going to come out of the closet.” I joked.

I reached down and picked up one of
the books sitting by her feet.

“
What the hell are you doing in
here anyway? And why are you reading about…” I read the title of
the book. “Economics in America, when you should be scrubbing my
toilet or something?”

She practically hissed at me, her
eyes tiny slits in her face. She was pissed and she’d never looked
so fucking hot.

Snatching the book from my hand,
she stuffed it in an old purple backpack with her name written in
whiteout on the strap.

“
I was just
catching up on some reading, but don’t worry, your
toilets
are nice and
clean.” She gave me a sarcastic smile before trying to walk around
me.

I moved so she was stuck in the
closet and placed my arms against the doorframe around me. Her eyes
dropped to my chest and roamed across my tattoos. I had a lot more
than I had the last time she’d been this close to my body. I liked
the way her eyes felt on me.