Finding Faith (34 page)

I spent the next hour telling her
everything. From the moment I left Finn in South Carolina to the
moment I’d left him not twenty minutes before. I pulled out the two
letters that I was positive my father had written and handed them
to her.

She looked down at the letters and
then back up at me with tear-filled eyes. Mom and I hadn’t been
close since I was a little girl, but since she divorced my father,
she was her old self again. It was nice having a relationship with
her.

“
Faith. Your father didn’t write
these. I did,” she said as a tear slipped down her
cheek.

I moved away from her and my heart
sank. She suddenly looked different to me. She was so quiet and
godly. No way could my mother have done such a thing.

“
No, Mom,” I whispered.

She reached out for my hand and
gripped my fingers.

“
I’m so sorry. I just wanted our
lives to go back to normal. I was tired of seeing you and your
father argue, and I thought it was for the best. Now that I see the
trouble I caused, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

I couldn’t believe what I was
hearing. It was so unlike anything my mother would do, but as a
mother myself, I supposed I could see her way of thinking.
Everything was a mess, and Mom and Jimmy were all I had. It was
hard, but I had to forgive her. I couldn’t deny a person who’d
asked for forgiveness, which was why I also had to forgive
Finn.

I didn’t sleep that night as I
snuggled in bed with my son. I held him close to me as I thought
about our future and the last four years of my life. Things were
hard, but I learned a lot about myself in those hard times. I
learned how strong I could be when it was needed. I had to have
faith that things would get better, and I had to have faith that
Finn wouldn’t take my baby away from me if I revealed his
existence.

It felt wrong not telling him, and
a part of me knew that Finn would make a wonderful father. Jimmy
was a great kid and he was really missing out by not knowing him. I
had to do the right thing and pray that things would work out okay.
By the time I fell asleep, I decided that I was going to tell Finn
about Jimmy.

The next day, after I was done at
the daycare, I went to the temp agency and told Mrs. Cooper that I
couldn’t return back to work cleaning the condo. Thankfully, until
I found something else, I still had the daycare, and Mrs. Karen,
the daycare director, even promised to give me more
hours.

I went to work the rest of that
week still trying to figure out how to tell Finn about Jimmy. I
knew it was wrong to run out on him without explanation, but I
freaked out and went about it completely the wrong way.

That night, I watched some adult TV
and saw parts of a Blow Hole concert. Finn looked amazing on stage.
His voice had only gotten better since I’d last heard him sing. I
watched and wished he was there singing sweetly to me the way he
had when we were younger. I fell asleep with a dreamy smile on my
face and thoughts of the past.

The following week, I finally got
up the nerve to tell him, but when I got to his door, there was no
one at the condo. I no longer had a key to get in, and if I did, I
wouldn’t have gone in anyway. I left thinking that maybe fate had
intervened. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to tell Finn. Maybe I should
wait and spend some time with him first.

By the following week, I was
already missing Finn, as if the last four years apart had never
existed. I’d stop by every now and again, but no one was ever home.
I just assumed they were out doing shows like they used to when I
worked there.

Money from the daycare wasn’t
great, but it was enough to keep my head above the bills. I was
even able to pick up a few fun things at the grocery store for
Jimmy when he asked for it, which wasn’t often since he never asked
for anything. I was pretty sure I’d raised the best kid in the
world.

One day after leaving the daycare
with Jimmy, I rode by Finn’s place to see if maybe anyone was home.
If so, then I could take Jimmy home to Mom and come back. Still,
there was no one. I set off for home, feeling deflated and rundown.
I’d finally gotten the nerve to tell Finn the truth, but he was
never home.

When I got home, we ate dinner with
Mom, and then I gave Jimmy a bath and dressed him in his thermal
cartoon pajamas. Putting on his dinosaur movie, I left him in the
bedroom with his new dinosaur mask. It was the newest thing I’d
purchased for him with my most recent paycheck. There was nothing
funnier than seeing a tiny three-year-old running around with
cartoon pajamas and a big dinosaur mask. He loved it, though, and
that was all that mattered to me.

While he was occupied, I took a
long, hot shower and took the time to shave my legs. After getting
dressed for bed, I ran the brush through my long hair and went into
the kitchen to get a glass of water. Mom had already gone to bed so
the only light left on in the apartment was the living room
lamp.

I turned everything off in the
kitchen and made my way into the living room to check the locks and
turn off the lamp. I was about to turn it off when a knock on the
door startled me.

It was late and we weren’t in a
great neighborhood. Opening doors all willy-nilly around where we
lived could get you killed. I peeked out the curtain, thinking I’d
get a look at who it was, but I couldn’t get a good view. Finally,
they moved and I saw Finn’s arm.

My heart started beating super
fast. This wasn’t the way I wanted him to find out, and if Jimmy
came out of his room, there was no way I could deny him. Not to
mention, Jimmy looked just like Finn. He’d see him and know
instantly that Jimmy was his son.

He knocked again, and instead of
risking Jimmy hearing and coming out of the room, I quickly opened
the door. Finn’s eyes moved from my head to my toes, and then he
shyly smiled.

“
I know it’s late, but I needed to
see you,” he said.

I could tell it had taken a lot for
him to admit that. He looked so incredibly handsome in his
dark-wash jeans and black long-sleeved shirt. He leaned against the
doorjamb and shattered me with his dimpled smile.

“
We just got back in town. I
missed you. Did you miss me at all?” he asked sweetly.

Did I ever…

“
I did,” I whispered.

“
Well, aren’t you going to invite
me in?”

I wanted to. I wanted to so bad,
but I couldn’t take that risk. Jimmy was just a few rooms away and
still awake. I could hear him softly singing the music that was
playing on his movie.

“
Right now’s not really a good
time,” I said.

His face dropped and he shook his
head like he understood. He moved closer and ran a single finger
down my cheek as if he were memorizing me.

“
I’m too late,” he said
sadly.

He looked as if he was on the verge
of tears, and my heart broke for him.

“
What do you mean?” I
asked.

“
You’re with someone else. I’m too
late.”

It took a minute for his words to
sink in, and when they did, I almost laughed out loud. He thought I
was with someone else and that was so far from happening it wasn’t
even funny. I’d never been with anyone but Finn. I hadn’t even been
on a date with anyone else, much less lived with someone
else.

“
Does he treat you good?” He
looked me straight in the eye with a crushed expression.

“
There’s no one else,
Finn.”

I smiled at the relief that moved
across his expression.

“
Then it’s me? Have you still not
forgiven me?”

It bothered me that he even said it
that way. I was the one that should’ve been asking for forgiveness.
I was the one who was harboring a massive secret that could change
his life forever.

“
There’s nothing to forgive. Finn,
can we talk tomorrow? There are things I want to talk to you about,
but right now’s not a good time.”

My nerves were jumping around
inside me. Any minute, Jimmy could come around the corner and any
minute, things between Finn and me would go downhill just that
quickly. He could take my son on the spot. He was freaking Jimmy
Finn for God’s sake. He was a rock god as far as some people were
concerned, and I was positive he was worth millions.

“
Sure, do you want
to…?”

He stopped talking when Jimmy
jumped from behind me. He was wearing his dinosaur mask and
growling at Finn playfully. His fingers were bent as he pretended
he had massive claws and he pushed them out toward Finn as if he
were about to claw him to death.

“
I’m a scary dinosaur. You better
run for your life!” He growled cutely.

My heart stopped as I stared down
at my son and prayed he didn’t take off his mask.

I grabbed his shoulder and turned
him around toward the bedroom.

“
Sweetie, go back to bed please.
I’ll be there in just a bit,” I said sternly.

His shoulders slumped.

“
But, but…” he whined.

“
What did I say?” I asked
sweetly.

The truth was I was about to lose
it. My nerves had hit their breaking point and I was about to snap
and slam the door in Finn’s face out of fear.

I could feel Finn’s eyes burning
into the side of my face. Sweat began to gather above my brow and
it felt like it was going to drip into my eyes and blind
me.

“
But, Mommy, I miss you,” Jimmy
said sweetly.

“
I miss you too, baby boy. I’ll be
in there in just a minute okay?”

I felt like I was going to pass
out. This was not happening. No way was this really
happening.

“
Okay!” Jimmy said happily as he
ran back to our room.

A few seconds later, I heard the
springs of my mattress when he began to jump up and down on the
bed.

Finn looked down at me with
hurt-filled blue eyes. His eyebrows pinched down in
confusion.

“
You have a son.” He stated the
obvious.

Panic rolled through my body again,
and I felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My
throat felt so dry that I couldn’t swallow. I had to push out my
words.

“
I do,” I rasped. “He’s the only
reason I’d ever scrub toilets.” I tried to lighten the
situation.

It didn’t work.

Finn continued to stare back at me
like I was a different person. His eyes moved across my face like I
was a puzzle he was trying to figure out. The hurt in his eyes
burned me and I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I could see
the gears in his head working, and I waited for smoke to come from
his ears.

I couldn’t take his scrutiny
anymore. I needed him gone so I could breathe and have time to
think things through. My life was about to take another massive
shift, and I didn’t know if I could handle that right
now.

“
We’ll talk about it more
tomorrow. I really need to get him to bed,” I said as I grabbed the
knob on the door.

Finn was suspiciously quiet, and I
was starting to worry. He opened his mouth to say something but
stopped to swallow. Again, he reached out and fingered a piece of
my hair.

“
You know, I used to dream about
having a family with you,” he said sadly. My heart broke when a
salty tear slid down his cheek. My fingers ached to capture it and
smooth it away. “But now I can see that you already have a family
of your own. I’m so happy for you, Faith. I only wish I hadn’t been
stupid enough to let you go.”

I had to tell him. I couldn’t do
this to him anymore. He needed to know the truth. I opened my mouth
to tell him to come in, but his face froze and turned three
different colors before settling on a ghostly white. He was staring
just beyond my shoulder as if the answers to all of life’s great
mysteries resided in my living room.

I didn’t have to look back to know
who he was staring at. I knew and I could only imagine the thoughts
that were exploding his mind.

“
Mommy, I broke my dinosaur mask,”
Jimmy said behind me with a sniffle.

When I turned around, he was
standing there without his mask, wearing a big frown. His blue eyes
popped and in that moment, he’d never look more like his
daddy.

I turned back around quickly and
looked at Finn. He looked back at me with tears in his
eyes.

“
Faith? Is there anything you need
to tell me?”

And then I broke down in tears.
There was no going back. I had to fess up and have faith in
Finn.

Twenty-Eight