Finding Faith (35 page)

Finn

I missed her. It had been weeks
since she walked out of my life again, and I wanted her back. I
didn’t care about anything else. I wanted Faith. I wanted a life
with her. Nothing else mattered. I’d be a tied-down puss if it
meant having her with me every day the way she should’ve been years
before.

We played three shows and every
show I played, all I could think about was getting back to
California and talking to Faith. We needed to fix things. I didn’t
know what she meant when she said, “Something like that,” but I
needed to know what hell was going on and where we
stood.

When I got back to the condo, I
wasted no time calling Mrs. Cooper at the temp agency. She’d called
and left me a voicemail telling me that we’d have to find a new
maid since Faith had quit. I figured she would.

I wasn’t sure how I managed it, but
somehow I talked Mrs. Cooper into giving me Faith’s address. I knew
it was weird just popping up at her place unannounced, but a man in
love did crazy things.

By the time I could leave, it was
already dark out. Once I typed her address into my GPS, I was on my
way. As I drove, I slowly made my way into the rough parts of town.
It wasn’t anything new for me to be in the ghetto, but Faith had no
business living in a place like that. If anything, I felt more
comfortable in the rough parts. I was raised in the places like
that. Faith, not so much.

I pulled up to a broken-down
apartment building. Broken blinds hung in windows and dead plants
littered the concrete stairs and paths to the apartment doors.
Little kids ran around outside in diapers while their moms sat on
cell phones and yelled at them from across the yard. It was way
past any kids’ bedtime. It was crazy to see them running around
outside in the dark.

The pool in the center of the
courtyard was green with fast food trash and beer cans floating in
the center. And the smell was a mix of raw sewage and unwashed ass.
The place was a real shithole, and I was angry that Faith was
living in such a place. She deserved so much more than this, and if
I could, I was going to give her more—so much more.

When I found her apartment number,
I tapped on the front door and waited. I heard someone fumbling
with the blinds and then nothing. After a minute, I tapped again.
It was then that the front door opened. Faith was standing there
more beautiful than she’d ever been. Her long hair was wet from her
shower and she had on the cutest pink-and-blue pajamas.

She was everything I ever wanted in
my life, and I was there to make her mine, but something about her
was off. She seemed nervous about something and that made me
nervous.

When her son came out in a big blue
dinosaur mask, I could hardly believe my eyes. Everything made
sense in that moment. The crazy job, the no longer living with her
father, everything. My heart broke in that moment as well when I
realized that everything I wanted to do with Faith she’d already
done with another man.

I wanted her to have my son. I
wanted to buy a house together and do the whole domesticated thing.
I wanted that more than anything, and my chance was gone. I was
never going to get what I wanted, and I wasn’t sure how I was going
to take it.

My entire life shifted when I saw
her son without his mask. The boy looked familiar, like I’d seen
him so many times in my dreams, but I was positive this was the
first time I’d seen the child. He reached over and grabbed Faith’s
hand and hid behind her hip. He stared up at me shyly before
disappearing behind her completely.

I looked back up at Faith. Her face
was covered in shock; her eyes wide as if I’d just caught her doing
something wrong. She reached over and sheltered the boy by her
side. Again, he peeked around at me and then his eyes caught mine.
Baby blue irises stared back at me. Familiar eyes—eyes I’d seen
every day for my entire life… my eyes.

“
Finn, meet your son,” Faith said
with tears in her eyes.

She sounded a million miles away,
as if she were speaking through another universe. My mind fumbled
over her words as I tried to figure out what she was saying.
Nothing was registering. My eyes were glued to the boy who was
staring back at me.

He had on thermal pajamas. His
caramel-colored hair was a mess, as if he’d been running his
fingers through it. He was tiny, so tiny that I could lift him with
one hand and hold him in one arm. He was a stranger to me, but he
was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life.

My mind was buzzing and I felt
dizzy. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so dizzy. I was staring at
the woman I loved and my son, and while I knew I should’ve been
angry beyond words that I hadn’t been there from the start, I
couldn’t help but feel so much happiness that my heart burned,
about to burst.

“
My son?” I squeaked.

I reached out and grabbed the
doorframe to keep myself from falling. A piece of jagged wood cut
into my palm, but I felt nothing but the love that was filling my
heart at a rapid pace.

My son stared up at me and then
looked at Faith like he didn’t understand what was happening. I
longed to pick him up and hold him close to me. I wanted nothing
more than to squeeze him and never let him go.

“
Yes. I didn’t want you to find
out this way, but there’s no going back now. I’m sorry, Finn. I
hope you can forgive me.”

I looked at her different now. She
wasn’t just the girl I loved anymore; she was the mother of my
child. Mother, a sainted creature who’d breathed life into the
world, who’d breathed life into my son.

I closed my eyes and imagined what
she must’ve looked like during her pregnancy. I envisioned her with
a white flowing dress, her stomach protruding and full of life. Her
hair catching the wind as she softly caressed her stomach and spoke
sweetly to my baby within.

A heated tear leaked out of the
corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek. Another followed close
behind, and I knew I’d never be able to stop them.

“
Jimmy, baby, please go in our
room. Mommy will be there in a bit to tuck you in,
okay?”

I smiled down at my son as he took
off across the living room and down the hallway. His tiny feet
smacked against the floor and warmed my heart.

“
Finn, I know what you’re
thinking, but please don’t freak out on me. I was going to tell
you. I just didn’t know how. He’s all I have. The only thing I live
for. Please don’t try to take him away from me.”

I stared back at her in confusion.
I’d just gotten used to the fact that I had a child. Nothing she
said was making it through my thick brain fog. I stared longingly
toward the door the boy had run through.

“
He’s beautiful,” I
whispered.

She smiled softly and took my hand.
It warmed my palm, so I linked our fingers together. When she
pulled, I allowed her to guide me into her apartment. The door
squeaked closed behind us before clicking into place.

My knees gave up finally from the
shock, so I sat on her couch as she locked the front door and put
the chain up.

“
Of course he’s beautiful. He’s
ours.” She smiled over her shoulder at me. I slid over when she
took a seat beside me. “So what now?” she asked
nervously.

I looked down at her hands and
noticed she was wringing them so hard that her fingers were turning
purple. Reaching out, I laid my hand on top of hers to make her
stop.

“
What do you mean what
now?”

She looked up and her brown eyes
connected with mine. There was so much fear in there that I wanted
to pull her into my arms and smooth it away.

“
Well, now that you know, we need
to get Jimmy used to you. I know you’re going to want to see him,
but I think we should get him used to the idea of you before we
start with any kind of visitation. That is, if you want it.” She
tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and then sighed. “But most
importantly, Finn, there’s to be no drinking and drugs around him.
Promise me.”

My heart sang when she called him
Jimmy. I wanted to kiss her for naming my son after me, but at the
same time, I didn’t comprehend what she was saying. Visitation?
Drugs and drinking? None of that mattered to me.

“
I’m done with drugs and
drinking,” I said sternly.

And I was. I had a son—an
impressionable son that I wanted to shield from everything bad in
the world.

“
And as far as visitation goes,
that won’t be necessary.”

Fear filled her eyes again and I
could see her breathing change as she started to panic. She twisted
her fingers again, making the purple shade return. Again, I laid my
hand over her fingers to make her stop.

“
Why? Are you going to try to take
him?” she asked with wide eyes.

“
No. Because once I buy a house,
y’all are coming home with me.”

And they were. I wouldn’t have it
any other way. The woman I loved and my son were not going to live
in some shitty apartment. He was going to have anything he wanted,
and she was never going to scrub another toilet again.

“
What? But, Finn, we don’t
even—”

I stopped her with my finger. Her
warm breath tickled my palm, and I smiled down at her.

“
You’re coming home with me. I
love you and I love Jimmy. You’re my family and I want to take care
of you. Let me take care of you, Faith. It’s all I’ve ever
wanted.”

A tear slid down her cheek as she
shook her head yes, and I captured it with my thumb.

“
Yes,” she whispered against my
finger.

I moved in slowly and replaced my
finger with my lips. She threw her arms around my neck and kissed
me back. I’d never been so happy. Everything I wanted was in my
grasp, and I was determined to never let it slip away
again.

I pulled back and rested my
forehead against hers. Reaching in my pocket, I pulled out her
cross. It warmed my palm as usual, and the blunt tips dug into my
skin. I held her hand and opened her fingers. Setting the tiny
cross in her palm, I closed her fingers around it and gently
squeezed.

“
I believe this belongs to you,” I
said with a smile.

She opened her hand and ran her
fingers over the cross.

“
You kept it. I can’t believe you
kept it.” She sniffled.

I tilted up her chin so I could
look her in the eye. “I used to hold it every day and imagine it
was you. I kept it with me everywhere I went. I really do love you,
Faith. I always have and always will.”

Another tear dripped down her
face.

“
I love you, too, Finn.
Forever.”

It’s funny how life works.
Sometimes you have to jump hurdles to get the things you want. I’d
spent my entire life waiting for Faith to come to me. I’d jumped
more hurdles than most, but it was worth it in the end.

I wanted something to believe
in—something that held me to the earth when I thought I’d fly away
into the nothing. I had no idea it would be a woman that made me
feel that way, but I found happiness in her smile and peace in her
eyes. I found comfort in her arms and joy in her kiss. She was
mine. I’d looked for it my entire life, but finally, I’d found
faith, and it took me a while to realize that I didn’t have faith,
Faith had me.

Epilogue

Finn

“
Daddy, where do babies come
from?” Little Jimmy asked in front of everyone at the
table.

He was so smart and he was
constantly asking questions that I never knew how to
answer.

Having Thanksgiving dinner with the
entire band and their families on top of my family and Faith’s mom
made for a big table full of people. They all looked at me as Jimmy
waited for an answer.

Mom smiled to hide the fact that
she wanted to laugh at me. She loved Jimmy so much. She’d never
been so happy as she was the day I brought him home to meet her.
Her and Rick spent a lot of time spoiling the hell out of him, but
he loved his Grandma and Pop Pop.