Finding Laila: Some Changes are Necessary (34 page)

Two Years Later

“I
can’t do this,” I say through my tears. “I’m not ready.”

“No
one is ready for this, babe,” Haden says, rubbing my back. “But we have to.”

I
walk to the mirror and look at my haggard appearance—not that I care what
I actually look like. My eyes are puffy from crying for days on end and my nose
is red for the same reason. My hair is pulled into a low ponytail because I couldn’t
get myself to make more of an effort.

Why does it matter anyway?

“Lai,
it’s time to go,” Mom says as she walks into my room. I turn to face her and
she wraps me in her arms to hold me while I sob for the millionth time today.
She doesn’t offer any words of consolation, because there are none.

“Your
dad and Luka are in the car. I’m going to let them know you’re on your way
down.”

She
takes my face into her hands and kisses my forehead before walking out of my
room and leaving me with Haden. He’s been so strong throughout all of this and
I’m so grateful to have him here.

“You
ready?” he asks as he reaches for my hand.

This
question causes the tears to well in my eyes, though they’ve never really
stopped. He pulls me to his chest and holds me close as sobs consume me once
again, but I stop long enough to make the short trek outside to the waiting
car.

Dad
sees me and opens the car door where Luka waits, her eyes filled with sadness.
Haden is situating himself on the other side of my little sister and wraps an
arm around her. She’s so young, but she feels the loss, too.

It’s
hard to keep the tears from falling, and even harder when Luka rests her head
on my shoulder as she rubs my arm to comfort me. Haden hasn’t said much, but I
know he’s hurting as much as me.

The
ride is quiet and somber; no one utters a sound to fill the space because it
can’t be filled. Empty words won’t bring him back.

The
drive feels as though it has taken hours when Dad pulls up to the funeral home,
but it can’t be more than twenty minutes away. Time isn’t something I’ve been
keeping track of since I got the call.

I just talked to him the
other day. He can’t be gone.

Bailey
and Ree are standing outside consoling each other when I walk up, and both turn
to embrace me. Together we cry for our friend who we loved and will never get
to see again.

Haden
wraps his arm around my waist and leads me inside where a crowd gathers, crying
and sharing memories. I don’t care about who’s here and who’s not because the one
person I want here is gone. Forever.

“It’s
not him,” I whisper. “It’s not him.”

If I say it out loud, it
will be true.

We
walk down the aisle, the sound of sobs and wailing are around me, but I focus
on the casket at the end. It’s closed, we were told, because he wasn’t
recognizable after the accident, yet I want to see him, because there’s no way
he’s really in there.

He can’t be.

I
turn my head into Haden’s chest and let out a cry; my shoulders shake with my
sobs.

“Where’s
his mom?” I ask, finally looking around the room to spot her, but I find her
sitting in the first row, almost unable to breathe.

I
rush to her and she stands up, folding me into her arms as we cry for him
together.

“I
don’t know what to say; I just want him back,” I cry.

“He
loved you all so much,” she says through her tears. “You know that, right?”

I
nod, unable to formulate a sentence.

“Joey
loved you, Laila.”

“I
know. He was my best friend, we talked all the time—I just don’t—I
don’t know what I’m supposed to do without him.”

Mrs.
Parker cups my cheek in her hand and nods but says nothing before walking to
her husband. I notice that Cole and Braxton have arrived and walk over looking
as destroyed as I feel.

Braxton
and Haden drove to my apartment on the night of the accident and brought me to
my parents’ house, where we waited for Cole until his flight arrived. I keep
waiting to wake up from this nightmare because there’s no way Joey is really
dead.

I’m
not sure any of us have slept much in the last four days. We’ve spent every
waking minute together crying and trying to figure out how this could have
happened to our best friend.

The
funeral director asks everyone to take
their
seats,
and there is standing room only. Mrs. Parker saved us a seat next to her and
Mr. Parker because she said we were Joey’s family. Haden wraps his arm around
my shoulder but keeps his eyes focused ahead. His eyes are bloodshot from the
hours of crying with the rest of us. Braxton is sitting on the other side of
Haden, anxiously running his hand up and down his leg in an effort to calm
himself
. But it’s Cole that I’m worried about: for all of
his bravado and humor, he’s a broken man. His head is resting on my shoulder,
unable to look ahead and face the one thing that none of us are ready to do.

“Joey
Parker the third,” the funeral director starts, but I tune him out. There is
nothing that he can tell me about my best friend that I don’t already know;
there are no words that he can tell me to relieve the ache in my heart, so I
close my eyes and wait for Joey to come back to me, even if it’s only a memory
from the time I saw him last month.

* * *

“Lai, meet me at the
quarry,” Joey demands. “I’m leaving soon so we need to hang out before I go.”

“See you in twenty,” I
answer.

He has been home for a few
weeks, but I’ve been finishing up a summer session at school. As soon as it
ended, I came home to relax and finally see my guys. It’s been far too long
since all of us have been home at the same time, even though we talk almost
daily.

I step through the bushes
and spot Joey sitting at the same spot he used to occupy in our heyday. I walk
over and he stands up to give me a big hug and kisses my cheek.

“Damn, Lai, you look good,”
he smiles.

“You’re not looking so bad yourself,
sir,” I tease. “What have you been doing today?”

“Just hanging out.”

“Where is everyone?” I ask,
looking around.

“They’ll be here later,” he
answers as he walks me over to my spot.

“I’m so glad you’re home.
I’ve missed you so much,” I tell him.

He gives me that grin and I
lean my head on his shoulder. “How can you miss me? You call me every day,” he
laughs.

“I can stop,” I joke and
narrow my eyes at him playfully.

“Did I say it’s a bad
thing?”

“God, I miss you,” I tell
him honestly. “I wish you were here all the time.”

“Sorry, kid, but I have
places to be.”

“No you don’t,” I counter.
“You know you want to be here forever.”

He looks out at the quarry and nods in
agreement. “Yeah, I’d say this, right here, with you is pretty damn perfect.”

“Liar. You’re meant for bigger and
better things because you’re so damn smart—you’re going to leave all of
us in your dust.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” he
says with a smile. “
You’re
meant for bigger and better things, you just
have to go out there and grab them. Take everything you can from life.”

“Is that what you’re doing out there in
New York?” I laugh because I know he is.

“Bet your ass I am,” he says with a
cocky grin. “And I tell you what: if you don’t do the same thing, I’m going to
be pissed.”

“Is this why you called me out here? To
give me a lecture?”

“I’m older and wiser than you,” he
muses. “So you’re supposed to listen to me.”

“You’re older by a month. And the
smarter part
—
well, that’s debatable,” I tease.

He laughs his loud, boisterous laugh
and kisses the top of my head. He seems genuinely amused with my stupid remark,
and it makes me laugh along with him.

“Never change, Laila Jude, because I
love you just as you are,” he smiles. “I just want you to be happy and have
everything you ever wanted. Are you happy?”

“I’m here with my best friend—I’m
very happy,” I tell him truthfully.

“I’ll always be here,” he says.

“Promise?”

“Till the day I die,” he answers,
hugging me again.

* * *

I
couldn’t stay there anymore, and when I asked the guys to come with me to the
quarry, they were quick to agree. The funeral home isn’t where I want to
remember Joey. I want to remember him smiling, laughing—living. I want to
remember all those conversations and world problems that we thought we’d solved
in this spot. I want to hold onto all of it for as long as I can.

“The
funeral director said, ‘He will be missed by many, but will live on in our
memories.’ I think the best way to remember him is here, in the place he loved
so much,” I tell the guys.

This
place was our paradise, our escape. Some of my happiest times were spent here
with these guys, and though we are brokenhearted, this is what Joey would want.
Cole, Braxton, and Haden nod in agreement and one by one walk toward the spots
we occupied for so many years, but none of us can bring ourselves to sit.

Cole
wipes his eyes and I wrap my arms around him as we cry together. Braxton walks
over and pulls both of us to him, his tears joining our own. I look over to see
Haden fighting his emotions, but I reach for his hand and he willingly steps
toward us.

As
we stand together, I hear Joey’s words echoed from graduation and it brings a
teary smile to my eyes.

We have made friendships we
will have for a long time, while other friendships have come to an end. Hearts
have been broken, only to be patched
up when someone new
comes along. We made mistakes—lots of them. But we learned. We fought. We
laughed. We partied. We did everything we should do in high school. We lived.

We
embrace each other painfully aware of our missing piece, but in this moment, I
know we are as strong as we’ve ever been.

These
guys have been, and will always be, my solid ground. We will get through this
like we have everything else that’s come our way.

Together.

Because even when someone is
gone, they still live on inside you. And I promised Joey that I would go out
and live my life, achieve my dreams, and for him I will. Because I am Laila
Nixon and I’m going to be okay.

Acknowledgments

This story came to me after numerous conversations with my
daughters. Gidget and Peese inspire me every day; without them, I wouldn’t be
the person I am. Thank you, my beautiful angels, for pushing me to write this
story. I love you girls so very much.

With the help of beta readers like Kimberly Stedronsky,
Sarahbeth
Caplin
Stoneburner
, Lisa Karafa, Kari Gardner, Alisha Brown, and
RoseAnn
Rapp - Finding Laila, found its voice. Thank you
all for believing in this story and making me smile with your feedback.

I have a wonderful group of critique partners who help keep
me sane. They are intelligent, talented, kind, amazing and strong women, and I
am always learning something new. For the last year, they have helped me
improve and grow and I am eternally grateful to have them in my life. A
skype
date is in order. Soon.

Stacey Lynn, A. Meredith Walters and Claire C. Riley, I
can’t thank you enough for reading this, loving Laila and the boys, and giving
me ways to tweak their story. You made me smile - and cringe - with your notes
and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Your honesty and suggestions are
something I actually look forward to reading.

This year brought many personal introductions, and these
writers have shared, listened, and become my friends. Penny Reid, Lori Otto,
Kahlen
Aymes
, Erin Noelle, Kayla
Robichaux
, Sierra Cartwright, Jessica Prince, and the
others I have met and will meet, thank you for your friendship and kind hearts.

Amy Queau, meeting you was simply amazing, and I’m so
thankful to have you and your encouragement. Goose, Kimotherapy - my
wifey
- what can I say? It feels like I’ve known you
forever, and I’m so blessed to have you in my corner. Sharing like minds is
something I have come to expect and yet, still laugh when it happens. Lisa, my friend
and confidant, I’m so glad I got to hug you and hang out, but mostly to show me
what I already knew - that you are special.

Kathryn Falk - my mentor, friend and neighbor, thank you for
allowing me into your world. You brought three ladies into my
life that make
me smile every week, and I look forward to
it. Kayla, Erin, and Sierra thank you for your unconditional support and
encouragement.

A special thank you to bloggers whose love of books and
willingness to share that love with others helps so many of us. Southern Belle
Book Blog, Penny for My Thoughts Book Blog, Saucy Books, Wicked Women Book
Blog, Falling in Fall, Nerdy Book Freak, The Book Hoarders, A Pair of Okies,
Confessions of an Unsuspected Bookworm, Reading Past My Bedtime, Typical Distractions,
YA Book Madness, We Like it Big Book Blog, We Stole Your Book Boyfriend, Once
Upon a Crush, Jodie’s Wine List, A Literary Perusal, Fiction
Fangirls
, Sexy Bibliophiles, Sugar & Spice Book
Reviews, Thoughts of an Avid Reader, and all the other bloggers who have helped
share Finding Laila, thank you.

And to the wonderful people read this story and helped make
the to the finish line:
Daiana
, Gina, Kristy and the
members of my street team - thank you for all of your support and the things to
you do help me out. It is so much appreciated.

To my mom and dad, thank you for believing
in me and what I love to do
. I swear; I’m a damn lucky girl
to have you both. And to my wonderful husband, thank you for supporting me,
encouraging me and loving
me and all my crazy
. You are
my best friend and most important member of my barmy, and I know God had a plan
when he brought you into my life. I love you so very much.

Finally, to the readers who have supported me and read my
stories: you will never know how much your kind words, and enthusiasm have
meant to me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Writing Laila’s story was truly a joy - every second of it.