Finding My Way (2 page)

“Sure.  See you
then”.  I hang up and take the next call. 
“Good
Morning, G & C Printing, Emma speaking.”

***

A couple of teenagers
are making out on the train as I head home from work.  They are all over
each other.  It’s embarrassing, I feel like telling them to get a
room!  But mainly I am just jealous and trying not to watch.  I
remember when that was me and Josh.  When we were teenagers, who had just
discovered sex and we were catching the train to the city for the day, or
coming home from the movies, finding it impossible to keep our hands off each
other…

As I said, we met
when we were both 13.  We became friends.  We didn’t hang out all the
time or anything, because at aged 13 you didn’t mix with the opposite
sex.  Not at our school anyway.  Kat and I were just discovering boys
and it was way too embarrassing to talk to them, most of the time.  In
class, Josh and I would occasionally share a joke or pick on the teacher and so
on.  But that was as far as it went then.

I was drawn to him,
though.  And when I was 15 we had to do a history project together and
things progressed from there.  We became friends. 
Which
turned into a crush, a madly sickening crush on my part, as I was officially
smitten with Josh.
 But I was not ready to tell him that!  I
followed him around like a love-sick puppy.  I am sure it was obvious to
the entire school that I was into him.  But we were friends too and I was
happy to have him as a friend.  Grateful even – because he really was the
cutest kid in our class and I honestly thought I didn’t have a chance.  He
had short blond hair then and beautiful blue eyes.  He was average build,
just a little taller than me and his smile was wide and contagious.  He
was always so friendly with everyone.  There were other girls at school
that had crushes on him, better looking girls,
popular
girls.  So Josh and I were friends.

Kat had started going
out with Josh’s friend Paul.  We were both 15 at the time, and as Kat and
I were best friends and Paul was her first boyfriend she didn’t feel
comfortable, at first, being alone with Paul.  I think Paul kind of felt
the same way.  So we went out together, as a group, the four of us, Kat,
Paul, Josh and me.

As Paul and Kat’s
relationship took off, Josh and I began being the third and fourth wheels to
their dates.  They would be making out while Josh and I embarrassingly
tried to look anywhere but at them.  Eventually we started ditching
them.  Leaving them at a booth at the diner to walk home together or
moving a few seats away from them at the cinemas.

We found that we had
a lot in common, the same tastes in music and books.  Similar senses of
humour.  We really had become
good
friends then.  So of course
he was invited to my 16
^th
.  In fact, I had invited most of my
class to the party just so it wasn’t too obvious that I wanted him there…

As I hop off the
train and walk the couple of blocks to my apartment I think about my 16
^th
. 
We had the party at my house, in my parent’s garage.  They had gone all
out with the decorations; purple and black balloons and streamers, just as I
had requested.  They didn’t, however, allow me to have a party at night
like I requested.  They made me have it on a Saturday afternoon. 
They even made me put a finish time on the party invitations, which was so
lame!  At least they left us to it; they even managed to keep my brother Ethan
out of the way for the entire event.  We had the music blaring and
surprisingly nearly everyone I had invited actually turned up, about
twenty-five kids.

A boy named Travis
from my class asked me out that day.  It was the first time I had been
asked out by a boy and I was quite shocked.  I only had eyes for Josh and
I thought everyone knew that, but I still hoped somehow that Josh wasn’t
aware.  Even if, at the time, I had no hope of my crush actually going
anywhere with Josh, I was dumbfounded as to why Travis would ask me out. 
I had never showed him any interest and other than inviting him to my party I
had barely spoken two words to the guy before.  I was scrambling to find a
response to Travis, when Josh came up beside me and took my hand.  I
didn’t even know he had been behind me.

Josh stood next to me
and said to Travis, “Sorry mate, but
Em
and I are
already dating.”

He turned to me and
gave me a wink.

“Oh… uh sorry… I
didn’t know… sorry,” Travis mumbled as he backed away.  He was so red in
the face.  I felt sorry for him.

I looked at
Josh.  He actually looked quite nervous, pale even.  My heart was
going a million miles an hour.  I couldn’t hold his gaze.  I looked
down to my sweaty palms and realised he was still holding my hand.  I went
to pull my hand away but his grip got tighter.  I looked at his face and
found that he was looking down at our hands too.  He glanced back up and
also went red in the face.

Then he started
walking, gently pulling me along with him.  He took me outside of the
garage.  Once we were far enough away from everyone he stopped.

“Sorry about
that.  I hope I didn’t embarrass you too much.”

“That’s okay,” I
said, it felt like my cheeks were on fire.  He was still holding my
hand.  We stood there in silence for what felt like forever.  Josh
and I both kept looking at each other and back at our hands that remained
knitted together.  Not knowing what to
say
to each other
about what just happened.  Eventually he let go of my hand
.
 
I was instantly horrified.  I really liked him holding my
hand.  I had never held hands with a boy before, and I mean this was Josh…
Josh
.

“Emma… um I was
wondering… I mean, do you like Travis…? I dunno… sorry about that.  I
shouldn’t have said that we were dating.  That was wrong of me… it’s just
that…” he trailed off.

I was just as stuck
for words just as he obviously was.  I didn’t know what was going
on.  I had never seen Josh stuck for words before that moment.

“I don’t like
Travis,” I blurted out.

“Well I like you…
Will you go out with me?” he eventually managed to say.

I felt like I had
died and gone to heaven.  I could barely breathe!  I was even redder
in the face if that was possible.

“Yes,” I managed to
mumble.

He seemed
relieved.  He took back my hand and we walked inside to the party.

Kat spotted us
holding hands straight away and said rather loudly so that most people heard,
“Well it’s about time!”  It was so embarrassing!

He barely let my hand
go for the rest of the party.  It was thrilling, holding hands with Josh
at my Sweet 16
^th
.  I didn’t think my day could get any sweeter!

But of course it
did.  As he was leaving to walk home, at the pre-determined finish time
that my parents had enforced,
so lame,
he pulled me in for a hug and
then as he let me go he leaned down for my first kiss.  It was nothing
fantastically romantic, but as far as a couple of sixteen year olds kissing for
the first time, it was pretty special.

Our relationship
bloomed over the coming months.  Paul, Kat, Josh and I hung out at school,
after school, on weekends.  Even after Kat and Paul broke up we still all
hung out together, it was a little awkward at first but they remained friends,
and even started seeing other people, I mean we were all just kids after all. 

After a year, if I
was invited somewhere then Josh was too, it was to be expected.  We were
the package deal.  Even our parents became friends.  Josh and I were
solid, we never argued, we were happy then…

Climbing the stairs
to my apartment on the second floor I reminisce about how happy we were
still
,
only a little over a year ago.  I unlock my door, closing it behind me,
and put my keys in the little green glass bowl.  It’s the glass bowl that
I had bought from the market with Josh a couple of years back.  It sits on
the side table that I also bought from that same market with Josh. Although
now, sadly, it only houses one set of keys instead of two.

I look around my
apartment, which is not much bigger than a modest motel suite.  The front
door opens into a little alcove with the bathroom off to the left; past the
bathroom it opens out into a modern kitchen.  The kitchen cupboards are
white with a timber bench top and red splashback tiles over the
appliances.  It had been newly renovated not long before we moved
in.  It has a breakfast bar that overlooks the living room.  The
entire apartment is painted white, with dark coloured floating floorboards
throughout.  The living room has glass sliding doors that open onto a
small balcony.  It has two bedrooms opposite each other straight off the
living room, both with doors to the same balcony.  My bedroom is off to
the right and a spare bedroom, or the junk room, off to the left of the living
room.  It is only a small apartment, but it feels so much bigger these
days.

I put my bag on the
kitchen counter and flop down on my new comfy couch.  It is oversized with
the softest cushions ever, you really sink into it.  I love it so much
that I have actually spent a couple of nights sleeping out here; it is comfier
than my bed.  It is beige with a few floral aqua and blue throw
cushions.  I only bought it about a month ago so it still has that new
furniture smell.  It was Kat’s idea; she said I had to have some new
furniture before her hens’ night as there weren’t enough places to sit. 
She was right.  So she took me to a few of the local furniture places and
persuaded me to buy it.  It seats four people quite comfortably, or more
if you squish together a little.  It cost me over a thousand dollars, but
I am glad that I spent the money.  It is my new favourite place to be.
 Kat always seems to know what I need.

When Josh moved out
of the apartment he took the two couches we bought together with him.  It
became quite bare, but then everything felt empty at that time so I just
accepted it.  All that was left here were two old mismatched armchairs
that I had inherited from my parents.  One is brown and the other is
blue.  Last week I bought a couple of extra throw cushions in aqua and
blue and somehow with the new couch and its cushions it all ties together
nicely.  In fact, it looks a lot nicer than when we had Josh’s black
leather couches in here.
 
Now the place
looks a little more like a home, not as
bare
as it
did after he left.

A loud knock
interrupts my thoughts.  I open the door and it’s Kat, she gives me a
quick hug as she bounces through my doorway.

“Hey
Em
,” she gives me a wide grin.  She looks well. 
Her straight blonde hair falls just past her shoulders and her green eyes
sparkle.  She’s come straight from work.

We have similar jobs,
Kat and I.  I am a receptionist at a printing company and she is an
assistant for the managing director of a publishing company.  Although she
does have more responsibilities than I do and has worked her way up the
corporate ladder from the lowly receptionist position that she used to
occupy.  I am yet to get where I want to be.  Kat has more drive than
I do.  I am quite happy to plod along and she is constantly looking at
ways to better herself.  That is reflected in the way Kat dresses too as
she looks like quite the business woman in her black pencil skirt and tailored
black jacket, with a pink silk shirt.  I am dressed in black dress pants
and sensible shoes, whereas she is wearing heels and stockings, something that
I only do on rare occasions.  Our outfits tend to say a lot about our
personalities I think.

“Hey,” I smile back
at her.

“So let’s get
cleaning,” she says as she makes her way to my living room.  She takes a
look around to assess the damage. 
“Or not!”
 
She throws her hands out dramatically.  “Where’s the mess? 
Em
I told you I was going to help you clean up!”

“Yeah but the party
was Saturday night.  Today’s Monday Kat.  You know me; I couldn’t
live with the mess yesterday so I tidied it all already.”  She actually
does look annoyed.  “Sorry to disappoint.”  I laugh.  She should
know by now that I couldn’t leave it until tonight.  I spent yesterday
afternoon, throwing out stale chips, washing glasses and bowls and taking out
the trash.  I even vacuumed.

“You even
vacuumed!”  Gee, nothing gets past her.  “Why didn’t you tell me when
I called you at work?  I could have saved myself the trouble of visiting
you,” she snickers.  I just shake my head at her with a smile on my face,
because I know she’s not serious.

Its Monday night, we
always hang out at my apartment on Monday nights.  Luke has footy training
and Kat doesn’t like being alone at their place at night.  Our favourite
show is on telly, which we always watch together.  Plus it’s cheap night
down at the local pizza shop and we always have a couple of drinks, eat our
half price
pizza’s
and watch TV together.
 
It’s a Monday night tradition we started when
Josh left.  I think at first it was because she didn’t want me to be alone
too often, but now I think it has become one of the highlights of the week for
both of us.

We order our pizza
and pour a couple of wines, take our shoes off and put our feet up on the
coffee table, relaxing into my comfy couch.

“So anything new with
you?” she asks.

“Nope,” I give her my
usual answer.

“Well it’s about time
I got a different answer from you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I
mumble. 
Really?
 
What did she expect?  My life is not too exciting at the moment. 
Other than the times I’m with Kat or at my folks place, I work, I come home,
that’s
it.  “So how are all your plans going?  Any
problems I can help you with?”  I offer a change of subject; of course she
immediately knows that I am referring to her wedding plans.  It has been
the topic of conversation for the past couple of months.  Rightly so too,
she is getting married in less than two weeks.