Finding My Way (3 page)

“All
good.
  Don’t forget we have a fitting on Saturday at eleven.”

“As if I would
forget,” I roll my eyes at her.  She knows that I would never forget
something as important as her final wedding dress fitting, which
is my dress
fitting also.  I am so happy for her and
for Luke.  And I have been with her every step of the way as she has been
preparing for her big day.  She really is every bit the ‘blushing bride’!

“Emma, I don’t think
I thanked you enough already, so thank you.  Thank you for everything you
have done these past few months.  Especially for my hens’ night!  I
had such a good time!  Thanks for organising it.”

“You’re welcome,
honey.  But you can stop thanking me; you thanked me about a hundred times
on Saturday night.”  I laugh.  Kat was so drunk, we all were really.

“Did I?”

“Yes as you were
leaving.  When your Mum was pushing you into the taxi, don’t you
remember?”  It was the funniest sight.  Erin, that’s Kat’s mother,
was quite intoxicated herself as she tried to drag Kat into the taxi. 
They almost fell over a couple of times.

Kat thinks for a
moment and I see the recognition on her face, “Oh yeah I vaguely remember
something like that!”  She blushes and we both giggle.  “It was such
a great night!”

“The
best!”
I state matter-of-factly, smiling at her.

“That is because I
have
the
bestest
best friend
in the whole wide world!”  She smiles back at me.

“Ditto!”
 
I say.

Kat truly is a
beautiful woman, inside and out.  My best friend, I love her to
bits.  We have been friends since we were 10 years old, so almost 14 years
now, and I couldn’t imagine what life would have been like without her.

All conversation
stops when our favourite show comes on TV.  Talking only takes place
during the ads and in between bites of our pizza that arrives halfway through
the show.  We talk about nothing in particular, mainly the characters and
storylines on the show.

When it’s finished
and we have had our fill of food, Kat fills me in on her latest endeavours at
work.  She is organising a big event with some authors, for her
boss.  It will be held at a swanky hotel in the city in a couple of
months’ time.  A full on cocktail party, she is really excited about
it.  She talks a little about Luke and his job, he works as an
electrician.  He started working for himself last year and it has been
going very well.  He’s just hired another electrician to help him with the
workload and is hoping to expand his business even further with possibilities
of hiring an apprentice next year.  She speaks about her man with such
pride, it makes me hurt.  I wish that I didn’t feel so lonely.  It’s
moments like these that I miss having Josh around the most.  I used to
love bragging about him and his landscaping business too.

“So tell me about the
eyebrow shaving at Luke’s buck’s night?” I ask.

“Well, they went back
to Jake’s house after the bar.  Luke passed out on the couch-”

“He’s such a
lightweight!” I interrupt.

She gives me the evil
eye, but with a hint of humour because she knows I’m right.  Luke is not
much of a drinker, which is why he is usually the designated driver of our
group.  “So anyway, Marty, Jake and Josh kept drinking.  Well you
know what Marty gets like after a few. 
He
suggested that they shave off Luke’s eyebrow.  They all
laughed because I don’t think they thought Marty was serious!  Jake told
me the next thing he knew Marty was leaning over Luke with a razor in
hand.  Jake tried to pull him away and Marty started swinging.  Well
you know Jake, he automatically hit back.”  Jake is Kat’s older
brother.  He’s a good guy but he does have a temper at times, especially
after a few drinks.  “Josh got between them and broke it up before anyone
got hurt.”

“Lucky Josh was there
then.”  He usually is the voice of reason with those boys, the most level-headed.

“I reckon!” Kat
agrees.  Then her smile fades.  “Oh that reminds me…”

“What?”

“So I have some news…
but I don’t think you are going to like it,” she says, changing the tone of the
conversation.

“
What
?” I ask,
now I’m curious.

She hesitates, “It’s
Josh… he’s seeing someone.”

“What?” I whisper, I
feel winded.  I keep telling myself that I am over him.  And I think
I am.  But… oh… he’s
seeing
someone… “Oh!” I exhale.

“I’m sorry.  I
know that it is probably hard to hear.  But I thought I better say
something coz I didn’t want you to find out at the wedding.”

“He’s bringing her to
the wedding?!”  I ask totally shocked.  My voice is a little louder
than I intended.

“NO! No way!” she
speaks just as loud, shaking her head.  She looks at me reassuringly and
speaks a little softer, “He wouldn’t do that to you.  He didn’t even ask
to invite her.  He only told Luke at the buck’s night.  I don’t think
he has been seeing her very long, I think it’s quite new.”

“Oh… Do you know who
she is?” I ask, although I am not sure I want to know the answer.

“No idea.  Luke
says he thinks it is someone he met through work or something, but he’s not
sure.  Are you okay?”  I can see that she is wary of my reaction.

“Yes… no.”  She
puts her arm around my shoulder.  “I know that I should be… but…”

“I know honey, I
know,” she says, giving me a squeeze.

“Wow.  It’s
happened.  He’s moved on.”  I don’t know what else to say.  I
stare at nothing in particular.  I cannot describe what I feel.  How
am I supposed to react to this?  Josh and I were together for seven
years.  Seven whole years!  It was just assumed that we would get
married one day.  Assumed by our friends, our family and even ourselves, I
didn’t prepare for this.

“You will move on
too.  In fact, you need to move on
Em
. 
It’s time.”  I know Kat’s only trying to help but I am sick of hearing it
really.

“I don’t know
how.  Just when I think I am getting over it, something happens to remind
me that I miss him.”  And then my eyes are watery again.  I haven’t
cried over Josh for weeks.

The last time I cried
over him was when I re-arranged my bedroom and found an old t-shirt of his
behind the chest of drawers.  It was a t-shirt that I bought him, navy
blue with a picture of a Native American, in full headdress, on it.  It
held no particular meaning, but he had it for years, wore it all the
time.  I bought it for him and he discarded it behind some
furniture.  It felt symbolic of our relationship.  I cried
uncontrollably when I found it.

When the tears
finally stopped, I remembered how the t-shirt got there, which made them start
all over again…

Josh had been home
from work for maybe half an hour.  It was nearing the end of our
relationship so we had been fighting the previous night, of course, and weren’t
speaking to each other.  We’d always had such a good relationship until
those last few months, so fighting was new to us and it hurt like hell.

It was a Saturday
afternoon and Josh had just had a shower as he usually did after work.  I
stupidly spilled juice all down my top.  I pulled it off as I came into
the bedroom to change and he was in there putting that navy blue t-shirt
on.  His hair was still damp and he was watching me as I walked in. 
At first I could see the irritation on his face but then as he looked me up and
down, his demeanour changed.  He looked up through damp strands of his
long blond hair, his blue eyes lingering on my bra and then they worked their
way back up to meet my eyes.  His look intensified and that’s all it
took.  That was all it ever took for Josh and I, a
look,
that
look.  Within seconds I had that t-shirt back off of
him and tossed over to the chest of drawers.  I vaguely remember it
falling… How did we go from passionate love-making to screaming matches so
easily?

Kat gives me a hug
bringing me back to the present, “You don’t want him back,
Em
. 
You don’t want to be with him, it’s just the comfort and the habit of Josh that
is holding you back.  You have to let him go.”

“You’re right, I
know.  I don’t want to go back there.”  But as I say it I don’t feel
the conviction of my words.  I really don’t want to go back there, do I?

Kat clears our
glasses and plates off the coffee table and takes them to the sink.  I
follow her with the leftover pizza and put it in the fridge.

“I’ll wash those Kat,
just leave them.”

She places the dishes
in the sink and turns to me.  She gives me a look of sympathy. 
Sympathy I don’t want.  I really do need to move on.  I know she
feels bad for being the one to tell me about Josh, but it’s not her fault.

“I’m grateful that
you told me Kat.  It would have been a lot harder had I found out from
Josh, or worse, by seeing him
with
her
.” I try to appease her
with a half-hearted smile.

Kat grabs her handbag
and I walk her to the door.

“Chin up sweetie. 
The right man for you is just around the corner, you just need to be ready to
look.”  She says as she gives me a quick squeeze of a hug.  Pulling
back she adds, “In the meantime, you can just keep fantasizing about that
stripper while using your vibrator!”  Kat says lightening the mood.

“I can always count
on you to look at the bright side, can’t I
Ms.
Katherine Greene?”  I laugh.

She leaves soon after
that.  After I close the door I head straight for the bathroom to have a
shower.  As tears stream down my face, mingling with the water, I cry yet
again for Josh.

I get dressed in my
pyjama bottoms and the t-shirt that I have been sleeping in most nights, since
I found it a few weeks back behind the chest of drawers.

The right man is just
around the corner? 
Really Kat?
  If he is,
am I ready for that?  I know my hormones say yes, but what about my heart,
my head and my soul? 
He’s seeing somebody.
  I know that I
don’t want to be with him, but,
he’s seeing somebody.

I don’t expect that
I
will be single forever.  So can I really expect
Josh
to
be?  Of course not!  I knew he would find someone eventually. 
We broke up months ago, eleven months ago in fact.  Kat is
right,
it
is
time to move on.

Parking my car in the
underground car park I glance at the time and see that I’m a little late
today.  Great start to the week!  If only Max had his headphones on
last night, maybe I would have had a better night’s sleep.  Man, that guy
loves his surround sound!  He is such a gamer.  All he does when he
gets home from work is fire up his two computers and multi-play his ‘virtual
life’ away.  If he paid a bit more attention to his ‘real life’ the house
wouldn’t be in such a mess and he wouldn’t have misplaced his bloody
headphones.  I will make it my mission to find them for him when I get
home tonight.  I am
not
going to toss and turn again tonight
listening to explosions and grunts from whatever online game he’s playing to
all hours.

I grab my satchel
from the passenger seat of my car and head for the elevators.  I have only
been working here for four weeks and I’m really enjoying it so far.  I’m
yet to make real friends as I have been so busy learning the ropes.  Bob,
the guy I took over from, was a nice enough guy but he was old and set in his
ways.  He had been doing the job so long that it was second nature which
made getting information out of him rather difficult.  He wasn’t that good
as a teacher, often making me feel like an idiot for asking any questions.

Looking after the
computer programming for a company of this size has been a huge adjustment for
me.  The last job I had only had ten people in the office compared to the
thirty or so employees they have at G & C Printing.  However, I’m
starting to settle in now.

I have never really
been that good at making new friends but I think that, given time, I will
possibly make a few here.  One of the office girls, Sophie, has been quite
friendly, good looking too, but overly talkative.  Pete in accounting is
nice,
we’ve gotten lunch together a couple of times. 
Emma, the receptionist, seems okay, she usually seems preoccupied or a bit
stand-offish though.
 
My new boss Julia
is pretty easy-going too.

When I get off the
elevator I see Emma at her desk.

“Hey
Emma!
  How was your weekend?” I ask when I reach her.

“Seth,” she says
huskily.  She obviously has been thinking of other things because she
seems startled to see me.  She blushes, “Sorry, I was daydreaming.” 
She says looking me right in the eyes.

“You do that a lot,”
I reply, thinking maybe she just doesn’t like her job or something because she
seems to be on another planet whenever I talk to her.  “So, how was it?”

“Oh… it was a
blast!  Big night!  Kat had a great time… I think.  It’s all a
little blurry.”  She says with a slight grimace on her face.

“That
good huh?”
I smile at her.  She told Sophie and me all about the
hens’ night she had planned for her friend on Saturday night, stripper
included.  She strikes me as the kind of girl that would love to party, so
not my type at all.

“Well I’m glad that
it went well,” I say before I walk away.  I can’t help but smile as I can
see that she is daydreaming again and probably hasn’t even heard me.

My office is situated
at the end of the horseshoe corridor that spans the floor.  I grab my
laptop out of my satchel and place it on the table that is to the left of my
desk and glance out the window on my right.  Unfortunately it’s only an
internal window that gives me a view of the corridor that leads back to
reception and the office opposite mine which belongs to Pete.  It’s not
exactly the office I pictured I would end up in when I accepted the job. 
Working on the 5
^th
floor of a building in central Melbourne I had
hoped for a window looking onto other buildings, offering some natural light at
least.  Instead I ended up with an office not much bigger than a bathroom,
the only light offered from a fluorescent globe above.  I don’t mean to
complain, I am grateful, it’s just not what I expected is all.