Finding My Way (47 page)

“Emma?” he says,
sounding surprised.

“Hi
Seth.
  I’m sorry for not calling back earlier, I had my phone off.”

“Not a problem. 
I’m glad you called.”  The sound of Seth’s voice pushes all thoughts of
Nick completely out of my head.  Memories of playing pool with Seth at his
parent’s place and of
us making
out on my couch flood
my mind with the sound of his voice.  “I just wanted to say how sorry I am
for everything.  I know I was acting childish.  I understand that
you’re not ready to-”

“I am,” I interrupt
him, surprising myself.  I’m met with silence.  “Seth I’ve been
thinking about things and I'm sorry for pushing you away.”

“No, I’m sorry for
pushing
you
so hard.  I just really like you and I want to give us
another go, if you’ll have me?”

“I’d like that.”

Jo and Dan were
having a night apart last night for the first time in ages.  I gave him
grief about it being the end but he just shrugged it off.  He is that
secure in his relationship that nothing I said fazed him.  It irritated
me.  How come he gets the girl?  I’m angry with myself for stuffing
things up with
Em
, my new best friend, and I am
jealous of my old best friend and his happiness.  I hardly recognise
myself anymore.  The sooner I go on my overseas adventure the better.

Em
still won’t return my calls and I hoped to speak to her at the station but
Em’s
train has been and gone with no sign of her. 
Surely, she’s not that upset that she’s skipping work?

I wore a disguise to
work. 
Sort of
.
  I tucked my hair
inside my jacket and I wore a knitted beret.  I made sure to keep my back
to Nick the entire time and I made sure that I was right on
time
for the train so that he didn’t get the chance to recognise me.  Once the
train had pulled away from the platform, I took off my hat and fixed up my
hair, sighing with relief that I had successfully avoided him, for the morning
at least.  Who knew if he would be waiting for me at the end of the
day?  Though I don’t know what he could possibly say to me to fix this.

I’m so embarrassed by
the way I behaved.  The more I think about it the more I realise that I
totally made a fool of myself.  It’s probably best that we not even remain
friends now; I honestly don’t even know why he’s bothering to call me.  He
can just remember me as that girl who he almost took to bed, but then must have
been that repulsed by what he saw underneath the clothes that he had to back
out at the last minute.  I wipe a tear away from my eye at that thought.

I have to focus on
Seth now.  Seth and I spoke on the phone for an hour last night. 
An hour
.
  We spoke about nothing and we spoke
about everything.  After barely speaking for a whole week, it felt
wonderful.  It’s Monday and for the first time in ages I cannot wait for
the day to start.  I am not suffering from Mondayitis today that is for sure.

When I get off the
elevator Seth is waiting at my desk for me.  When his eyes meet mine I
lose my voice and feel my cheeks flush.  That instant connection between
us comes thundering back.

“Good morning.” 
He smiles brightly at me as I approach him.  I stand in front of him and
have an overwhelming urge to kiss him.  So I do.  I give him a quick
peck on the cheek, taking him by surprise.  “I see you got out of bed on
the right side again this morning.”  He chuckles.

“Yes
indeedy
.  I think that may have something to do with a
phone conversation I had late last night with a certain someone.”  I smile
at him, give him a tap on the nose and then walk around behind my desk. 
He swivels on the spot watching me.

“Is that so?”  I
nod in response and we stare at each other in silence for a moment.  “Can
I buy you lunch today?” he asks suddenly.

“I’d like that,” I
say as the phone rings and I reach to answer it.

“See you at lunch
time then.”  He smiles then heads off down the corridor.

A few minutes later,
an older woman comes up to my desk and introduces herself as “Annie the
temp.”  I show her the basics on the telephone and explain the roles of
the people who receive the most calls.  I’ve never trained anyone before
and I mustn’t be hiding how flustered I am very well because Annie places her
hand on my arm reassuringly before she speaks.

“No problems
dear.  I think I’ve got it.  You just go about your day and I will
find you if I need you,” she says with a smile and another pat on my arm.

“Okay.  I’ll
just be in Julia’s office over there,” I say as I point to it.  I’m
gathering up my bag, diary and favourite pen to take into Julia’s office for
the day when our first job applicant walks into reception.  She looks a
lot more professional than I do and I suddenly feel very inadequate.  How
am I supposed to be conducting interviews for my own position when I probably
don’t fit the role any better than the person I’m interviewing?

***

“I don’t think I’m
cut out for this.”  I admit to Seth.  I don’t know why I feel so
compelled to tell him everything I’m thinking.

“What do you
mean?” he asks before taking another bite of his sandwich.

“Well we’ve been
interviewing for the new receptionist, well Julia has really, and they are all
just so professional.  I can tell that any one of the candidates would do
a better job than I would.”

“I’m sure that’s not
true.”  He shakes his head.

“It is, but it’s not
only that.  The lunch meetings I went to last week, they went well I
guess, but I felt so out of my depth.  Julia did all of the talking and I
just felt completely useless.  How am I supposed to be able to handle
meetings on my own when I can’t even think of any words to say?”

“I thought you were
supposed to be an observer?  Isn’t your goal to work in graphics anyway?”

“Yes.”

“So what are you
worried about?  Julia won’t expect you to go to meetings on your own,
especially once you move departments.”  Seth’s words are reassuring.

“You’re right.” 
I slump my shoulders.  “It’s just I feel…”

“Feel what?” he
asks looking genuinely concerned for me.  I love that he cares.

“Inadequate. 
Julia’s giving me all these opportunities that I just don’t feel like I deserve
and I’m not sure that I even want them anymore.”

“Don’t be so hard on
yourself.  I’m sure it will all work out.  It’s good that you have
goals and that you’re doing something to achieve them.”

“What about
you?  You’ve been at your new job for a while now.  Are you
happy?”  I ask turning the conversation back on him.  I don’t want to
think about myself anymore, it’s doing my head in.  I always thought I
knew what I wanted, but maybe I procrastinated too long and my desires changed
without me even realising.  Do I even want a career in graphics?  I
know I don’t want one in sales or marketing, or even reception… maybe I just
don’t know what I want anymore.

Am I happy?

“Yes and no. 
I’m happy that you’re here with me and that I took the job at G & C or I
may not have met you.”  I wink and Emma blushes but doesn’t speak as she
waits for me to continue.  “The job’s okay, not as much of a challenge as
I thought it would be though.  I don’t regret taking it, but it wasn’t my
first choice either.”

“So you applied for a
few other jobs then?” Emma asks.  I love that she’s genuinely
interested.

“Yeah,
quite a few actually.
  There was this one job I applied for, it
would have been perfect.  It was for a major finance company and they were
looking for computer programmers that would be involved in re-programming their
entire system as well as implementing a new interactive website for its
customers.  It would have been a fantastic opportunity, I could have put
my
uni
degree to good use and it paid about ten grand
more per year.  I just missed out, they told me I was next in line if
another position opened up, but that was a couple of months ago now so I won’t
hold my breath.”  Emma is staring at me and I cannot work out what her
expression means.  “What?”

“Nothing.
 
I just… you’ve got it so together, Seth.  You have your
uni
degree and you’re obviously good at what you do. 
You’ve got your career sorted, you know what you want.  I admire that.”

“Thanks.”  I
don’t like that she feels so down.  “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself
Emma.  You’ll figure things out, you know.”

“I guess.”  She
shrugs.  “Hey we better head back, Julia will be wondering where I
am.  We’ve got another couple more interviews to go.”  She stands
from her chair looking defeated.  It’s not a good look on her.

“So,” I say as I
stand by her side with a smile.

“So,” she says as she
looks up at me with a twinkle in her eye.  I love that our little exchange
is all that is needed to cheer her up a bit, or at least distract her from her
thoughts.  I hold my hand out for her and she doesn’t hesitate to take it.

It feels good to have
Emma’s hand back in mine as we make our way to the office.  When we reach
the elevator, I let go to press the button for our floor.  I stand beside
her and feel the familiar electric current in the air between us.  When
she looks my way, the expression on her face makes me think that she can feel
it too.  The elevator door opens and I feel Emma’s hand slide back into
mine.  I look at her in question and she smiles reassuringly as she steps
out the door taking me with her.  We take a few steps towards the temp
that is on reception when she calls out Emma’s name.  Emma stops just
short of the desk, stepping up on her the tips of her feet to plant a soft kiss
on my lips.  It takes me by surprise.  I can feel my broad smile
before our lips even part.  So this is it,
it’s
official, we are a couple.  I couldn’t be happier.  I’m ecstatic in
fact.

“I’ll see you later?”
she questions, though I’m not sure why she poses it that way, of course I’ll
see her later.  I can’t
wait
to see her later.  God I want to
kiss her, good and proper, it’s been too long.

“Absolutely,” I reply
giving her hand a final squeeze before I let go, heading back towards my
office.

“Your boyfriend is
quite handsome, dear,” I hear the temp say after I turn the corner.  I
pause
awaiting Emma’s response, half-expecting her to deny
that I am her boyfriend.

“He sure is, isn’t
he?”  I can tell she’s smiling as she speaks.  Though I’m sure she’s
not smiling nearly as big as I am right now.

“You’re in a good
mood,” Pete says as he comes out of his office and I enter mine across the
hall.  “I take it that smile is another smile regarding
whoever
the girl is that put you in the bad mood last week and you still won’t tell me
anything about?”

“Okay well that was a
confusing question,” I chuckle, “but yes.”  I answer after a moment of
trying to decipher exactly what he said.

“Yes it’s about a
girl or yes you won’t tell me about it.”

“Uh…” I contemplate
telling him, I mean he has been a good friend to me and didn’t Emma just now
make things official between us?

“Never
mind.”
  He laughs and walks away.  I should feel guilty or
something for leaving him hanging but I can’t, I feel too damn good.  I
think it would be impossible to wipe the grin off my face at this moment.

I’m walking home from
work and checking my phone for the hundredth time today.  Still no
messages or missed calls from
Em
.  When I get to
her apartment complex, I don’t even hesitate before going up the stairs and
then knocking on her door.  She doesn’t answer, and after a few minutes of
nothing but silence coming from behind the door, I figure that she isn’t
home.  She must be at work.  How did she slip by me this morning?
 She is doing everything she can to avoid me.  I have to fix this
somehow.

When it becomes time
to go home, I am feeling much happier than I did at lunchtime.  The last
couple of interviews are done and dusted.  We’ve listed the three most
likely candidates to re-interview and Julia is making the phone calls to them
as I leave her office.  I take my coffee mug to the kitchen saying a quick
goodbye to Annie as she leaves for the day.  I spot Seth at the sink
washing out his own mug when I enter.

“Hey.”

“All finished for the
day?” he asks over his shoulder - his broad shoulder that I have an
overwhelming need to touch. 
Oh what the hell.
  I walk up
behind him and put my arms around his waist as I drop my cup in the sink in
front of him.  He automatically begins to wash it for me as I stand on my
tippy-toes to rest my chin on his shoulder.  He relaxes into me, “Hmm,
this feels nice.  I could get used to this.”

“Do you want to grab
some takeaway and head back to my place?”  I ask him, again surprised at
just how comfortable I am being like this with Seth.

“That sounds
great!” Sophie says cheerily as she stops behind us.  “But sorry
Em
, I can’t, I’ve got plans tonight,” she adds with a
giggle.  I remove my hands from Seth’s body and turn to face her smiley
face.  I can’t help but laugh.  Even though I am waiting for some
kind of shocking comment about what she has now discovered about us.

“Ha
ha
, very funny,” I say noticing Seth’s shoulders shaking
slightly as he holds back his own laughter.