Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (17 page)

“Are you ok? Do you need me to get mom?”

No! No! “Leave me alone!” I yell out in pain again. “Argh!” I know he hasn’t left. Although we don’t really know each other he has really tried to be a great brother to me.

“I’m going to get mom so she can check on you. I’m sorry you’re just going to have to be mad at me.”

Great, just what I need. I hear him down the hall.

“Mom, Kayla needs you. I think she is sick. Mom! Get up Kayla needs you.”

Knock, knock. “Kayla, honey what’s wrong?”

The pain is so bad I can’t speak. There’s so much blood. Way, too much blood. I feel faint. The room is swaying. “Anne.” I’m not sure if I even say her name.

I wake up in the emergency room with a doctor and a nurse standing over me talking. The doctor notices that my eyes are open.

“Miss Jameson, we need you to sign these papers so that we can perform a D and C. You are
hemorrhaging and we need to stop the bleeding.”

“I don’t understand. What about my baby?” I look around the room and David is sitting next to my bed crying and my dad is standing by the door looking mad and upset. Anne is rubbing my hair.

“You lost the fetus. We need to remove the tissue and stop the bleeding.”

I shake my head. “No… no! You’re not taking my baby! You’re not touching me.”

“Miss. Jameson, the fetus is gone you already lost it. If we don’t stop this bleeding we are going to lose you too. Now I can wait for you to pass out again from the loss of blood, which makes your survival less likely, however I will not need your approval then. The more blood volume that you lose, your chances of losing your life, increase. If you sign this we can go in and fix the problem and you will very likely be able to have more children. If you don’t have this done there could be permanent damage that would prevent that from happening.”

He’s lying. He has to be lying. Anne leans down next to my face.

“Kayla, you have to have this done. You lost the baby
,
sweetie. I know how you feel about abortions. You made that very clear. That’s not what this is. If you don’t get this done, you may not be able to have any children or worse you could die. Please, just sign the paper
,
sweetie.”

David isn’t saying anything. He grabs my hand and just continues to cry. I look at him. “What do I do? I don’t want to have an abortion. If God wants to take this baby He will. I shouldn’t have to have any procedure.” The pain is gone now, so I don’t understand the urgency for any procedure.

David raises his head. “Sign the papers. I know you wanted this baby and so did I. We had a lot of plans and none of that has to change, but if you aren’t here none of those plans matter.”

My dad walks to the end of my bed and places both of his hands on it. My dad is a muscular man and scary when he wants to be. He may have retired from the Army; however, this hasn’t stopped him from staying in great shape. I can still wrap my arms around one of his biceps and him lift me up and down off the ground like I’m a weight. 

“Sign these papers now! I’m tired of this. You don’t have a choice. I’m not going to sit here and watch you die.”

He takes the papers from the nurse and shoves them toward me.

“Sign it!”

He has tears in his eyes. I take the papers from him. I am crying so hard I can barely see them. My tears drop down and wet the papers as I sign my name to them. I know that any hope of saving my baby is gone. The doctor starts shouting orders and two nurses lift me onto a gurney. I glance back at the bed I was lying in and the sheets are soaked in blood. A nurse sticks something into an IV that is stuck into my arm. I hadn’t even noticed it. David walks over and kisses me on the head.

“I love you.”

I’m so tired. My eyelids are getting heavier and heavier.

I open my eyes and I am blinded by bright lights and I hear muffled voices. It’s as though I’m in a tunnel. What’s happening? Where am I?

“She’s waking up.” Someone says.

“Give her more anesthesia and give her a dose of…...”

The room spins again and I close my eyes.

Kayla

Later, I learned that I had actually woken up during my D&C and was giving more anesthesia and a drug to induce amnesia. They didn't want me to remember what I saw. All I remember seeing was the table of the tools. Of course, I saw the doctor and the nurses, but I don't remember anything, but that brief moment.

I’m sobbing now. David and I went through so much after that. If it hadn’t been for him I never would have been able to pull myself out of the deep depression that followed. I’ll forever be grateful to him for staying by my side and I will always love that baby.

“David, don’t do this. It’s not fair to bring this up. It’s not fair to use my feelings for a child we lost, against me.” I can barely get the words out and my sobs have grown louder.

“But you, ripping my heart out is fair? I won’t live without you. I’m not letting you go. I’ll kill myself, you know I will.”

I can’t think. Everything is spinning. My chest hurts and I can’t breathe. I feel like everything is closing in. David is talking, but it sounds like a dull roar, I can’t even see him clearly. He kneels down in front of me.

“Kayla, baby, breathe. Oh God. Breathe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please Kayla, look at me. Take some deep breaths.”

“What the hell are you doing? Get away from her! Dad!!!”

I hear Tessa’s voice and then I hear the door behind me and I hear yelling I can’t make it all out. Everything sounds muffled

“Go!”

“No! You’ve done enough.”

Then I hear Troy. “David you need to leave. Tessa take Kayla inside.”

David leans around Troy to see me.

“I’m really sorry. I never should have brought that up.”

He’s crying and I can tell he is sorry. Tessa is holding me up. I’m not even sure when or how we made it to the door. I reach into my pocket and dig the engagement ring out, I’m now holding both rings. I place them into Tessa’s hand. “Please give these to him. Tell him I’m sorry. I’m going to go lay down.”

“I’m not telling him you’re sorry. I will, however, be happy to give these to him. I’ll be up in a minute. I’ll bring you some cold water. It’s going to be okay, sweetie.”

Turning, I walk into the house on shaky, weak legs. All I want right now is to be left alone to just curl up and die. Honestly, I thought I had buried that pain deep enough. As sad as it was to say, I tried not to think about it because it always takes me to a dark place that I can't escape. David knew what he was doing. Because I hurt him in the worst way, he lashed back at me with the one thing he knew would bring me to my knees. It worked. I'm once again broken.

I pass Lisa on my way up the stairs. She rushes over to help me make it to the room and into my bed.

“Sweetie, can I get you anything?”

“I need my medicine. It’s in my purse.” She takes my shoes and socks off. She pulls the covers up over me as I continue to cry. Lisa doesn’t know the whole story of what happened, or as far as I know she doesn’t. Tessa may have told her and Troy however, neither one of them has ever asked me about it. They are just always supportive. Lisa leaves the room and returns a few minutes later with some water and one of my
Xanax
.

“Here sweetie, take this. Can I get you some food or anything else?”

“No. I just want to sleep. Thank you.”

She turns out the light then turns to leaves the room. But she hasn't left the room completely, my bet is she's standing in the doorway watching me. Lisa's concerned, and I know that, I just can't bring myself to reassure her that I'm going to be okay. Because, well, honestly, I'm not sure right now that I am going to be okay. Praying that I don't sink back into the despair I survived before, because I just don't know if I have the strength this time to pull myself back out

I’ve been having panic attacks for a while now. My doctor prescribed
Xanax
for me to take as needed. I never take them unless I have a really bad attack. It doesn’t really help it just makes me feel emotionless. They always knock me out and I hate the way they make me feel, although, sometimes they are the only thing that helps during a bad one.

It’s hard to understand what a panic attack is, if you’ve never had one. It’s a feeling of doom, like everything is out of your control. You sense that the doom is coming and there isn’t anything you can do about it. It literally can feel like the figurative walls that are around you are closing in on you.

It’s like it’s your body’s way of telling you, you have taken on too much and it needs a release. My body aches and I’m just so tired after I have one, so that combined with the medication can knock me out for a long time. I feel as if all the life has been sucked out of me. I close my eyes and pray for peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel someone sit on my bed. Opening my eyes, I see Tessa is sitting next to me.

“Kayla, Blake is on the phone and he really wants to talk to you.”

I’m not sure what time it is. I think I slept all of yesterday and it appears to be late afternoon. “What time is it?”

“It’s one o’clock in the afternoon. It’s Sunday, honey. You’ve been asleep for almost twenty hours. That medicine really knocked you out. We are all worried about you. Blake has already called three times. I haven’t told him anything, although I’m sure he knows something is wrong. He doesn’t understand why you’ve been asleep so long.”

I roll back over and then realize I need to use the bathroom. I get up and turn around to face Tessa. “Tell him I can’t talk right now.” I make my way toward the bathroom.

“Kayla, he’s not going to stop calling and it’s costing him money every time he calls you. You need…..”

I cut her off, looking at her as sternly as I can. “Tell. Him. I can’t talk to him.”

Making my way to the bathroom, I look at my reflection in the mirror. The girl looking back at me, looks nothing like the girl I saw last week. This girl’s eyes are hollow, there is no life in them. Her smile is gone. The joy she felt with Blake is gone.

More than ever, I long for his touch and his smile. Talking over the phone right now won't work because I wouldn't know what to say to him. It's not like he knows about my panic attacks. It’s not something I share easily and if I share that information I will also have to share the miscarriage with him. I’m not ready to let him see that broken part of me. The attacks make me feel so weak. I can’t stand to see the look on his face when he realizes I’m not worthy of him. He shouldn’t have to put up with my baggage and problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blake

I called Kayla yesterday to make sure they made it home safe, but Tessa told me she was already in the bed. Who goes to bed at four in the afternoon? I’ve been calling her all morning and I still haven’t gotten to speak to her. Tessa says she is still sleeping. I'm not buying it anymore. There is definitely something wrong. He’s gotten to her again. He’s manipulated her into staying with him and she’s avoiding me. This is exactly what I was afraid would happen. There’s simply not much that I can do about it if she won’t speak to me and me being two hours away from her isn’t helping the situation at all. I am sitting here yet again, waiting for her to come to the phone to talk to me.

“Blake, she said she can’t talk right now. She isn’t feeling well.”

That's basically it. She’s blowing me off. I just can't believe it. I'm a little pissed at her right now. She said that she was done with him. She said she wasn’t going to back out this time, no matter what he said to her.

“This is bull crap Tessa. I just need to talk to her. She gave into him again didn’t she? She let him manipulate her.” I’m clenching my jaw so hard that it’s causing my teeth to ache.

“It’s not my place to tell you anything. She will talk to you when she is ready.”

I bite my lip and I can feel my nostrils flare as I take air in and out of my lungs. I may need a cigarette after this! I’ve been trying to quit, but right now I need something to calm my nerves.

“You tell her to call me. She has my phone number. She can call collect so it won’t cost her anything. I need to talk to her. I just want to know that she is okay. She doesn’t even have to have a conversation with me. I so desperately want to hear her voice. If she wants me to leave her alone after that I will.”

“I’ll tell her.”

Hanging up the phone, my heart tightens. It feels like I've been waiting an eternity. Grabbing the controller, I decide to play some video games to try and take my mind off things. The fear of missing her call keeps me staying in instead of going out. If I'm out and miss her call, I worry she may not call back again.

It’s been another six hours. I’m going to try again and if she doesn’t talk to me this time, I’m just going to go out. Obviously, I can't keep doing this. I’m not going to give up; I simply can’t keep sitting here.