Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (20 page)

Tessa gets out and comes over to the passenger side door and opens it. She takes my legs and spins them so they are now outside the car. I can see her and I know she is talking, but it’s like she is in that tunnel again. Why now?

Not now. Please. Don’t do this now
. My chest hurts. I feel like I might pass out. I lean my head over onto the headrest and close my eyes. I try to swallow but it feels like my throat is closing.

“I’m going to have to call somebody. Do you have your medicine Kayla? Please, tell me you brought it with you.”

I don’t want that. It’s going to knock me out. Breathe, just breathe. You can overcome this. You just have to make yourself calm down. I hear the rumble of a truck. I shake my head no. It can’t be. I don’t want him to see this. Please get yourself together.

“Kayla! What the hell is going on?”

It’s Blake, of course, it’s Blake. Can my luck get any worse?

“Blake, I’ve got this under control. Just go inside, we’ll see you in a minute. She won’t want you out here right now. I promise we will come in, in a minute.”

“Like hell. What’s wrong with her? Kayla, baby, you have to talk to me.”

“Go away Blake, please. Give me a minute.” It’s hard to speak. I’m not only in the middle of a panic attack, but I’m utterly embarrassed that he is witness to it all.

“Not on your life. I’m not going anywhere. One of you better tell me what the hell is wrong. Now! Never mind. Get out of my way.”

He gently moves Tessa to the side. He is now bent down in front of me.

“Look at me.”

I shake my head no.

“Kayla, look at me.”

He reaches his hand up and touches the side of my face. His touch is so gentle and caring. Tears stream down my face. I lean into his touch as I take in a deep breath.

“Oh, baby. Come here.”

He stands and lifts me up, then sits down on the ground beside the car with me in his lap. He gently strokes my hair.

“Breathe, baby. Slow, deep breaths.”

He is rubbing his hand up and down my back. He starts to hum into my ear. I immediately recognize the tune. It’s the song he sang to me the night we met. I close my eyes and take in a shaky breath. He’s slowly rocking me back and forth. My body shudders and he wraps me up tighter in his arms.

“I’ve got you baby. It’s okay. I’m right here.”

I feel my body relaxing, it feels so heavy. I’m completely drained. Blake kisses me on my forehead. This causes me to take in another deep cleansing breath. Now reality, really hits me. The panic is gone, but the embarrassment is in the forefront. I’ve never been able to pull myself out of a panic attack that bad, without taking my medicine. How did he do that?

“I’m sor…sorry.” I hate that he has seen me like this. I wanted to keep this from him. He is going to run for sure now.

“Don’t you dare apologize, I’m just glad you’ve calmed down some.”

“I’ve never seen her do that.”

“She’s never had an attack like this?”

They’re talking about me like I’m not even here. I’m used to it. People always do that when this happens.

“I’ve seen her have these attacks, but I’ve never seen her come out of one without medication.”

“Does she do this a lot?”

He hasn’t stopped rubbing my back, touching my hair, placing his lips on my head. My head is nestled into his broad chest; his muscles feel amazing pressed up against my cheek.

“She had a bad one last week, but before that she hadn’t had one in a very long time.”

“It’s panic attacks, right?”

“I’m right here, you know. I can hear you. This is not stuff I want everyone to know.”

Blake pulls me back so that he can look into my eyes, with those eyes of his, which see into my soul and paralyze me. I swallow hard. I’m at his mercy. I don’t see the pity that I think I will. No, I see compassion and concern. This man surprises me at every turn.

“I’m not everyone. If it has to do with you I want to know about it. I don’t want you to ever hide stuff from me. I want to know everything about you. If you have panic attacks, I need to know about it.”

“I’m going to go inside and give y’all some privacy.”

I look up at her. “I’m sorry. Thank you for your help and thank you for bringing me here.”

“No problem, you know I’d do anything for you. You need to talk to him Kayla. He needs to know
everything
.”

Great, Tessa, thanks. Now he knows there is more to tell him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blake

I pull back into the parking lot and am shocked to see Tessa’s car sitting there. Then I see Tessa with the passenger side door open and she looks panicked. I jump out of the truck excited to see if Kayla is with her. I round the side of the car and my heart drops. Kayla is sitting in the passenger seat and her breathing is erratic and she is pale. She has her eyes closed. Something is very wrong.

“Kayla! What the hell is going on?” I walk up to the car. Tessa is standing between me and Kayla.

“Blake, I’ve got this under control. Just go inside we’ll see you in a minute. She won’t want you out here right now. I promise we will come in, in a minute.”

“Like hell. What’s wrong with her?” I lean around Tessa trying to get a better look at Kayla. “Kayla, baby, you have to talk to me.”

“Go away Blake, please. Give me a minute.”

She has got to be kidding. I’m not going any-damn-where. I’ve been trying to find out for a week if she is okay. What I’m seeing right now clearly shows she is not at all okay.

“Not on your life. I’m not going anywhere. One of you better tell me what the hell is wrong. Now!”

Forget this, I'm going to get to her. There's no way I'm giving her another chance to push me away again. A cousin of mine suffers from panic attacks and his get pretty bad. Judging by what I've seen, I'm pretty sure that Kayla's in one right now.

“Never mind, get out of my way.” I put my hands onto Tessa’s shoulders and gently move her to the side. She doesn’t put up any kind of fight. My guess is that she is grateful that I showed up. I squat down in front of her.

“Look at me.” She shakes her head no.
That’s not going to work for me, baby.
  I say it a little more forcefully this time. “Kayla, look at me.”

Unable to stand it any longer, I can't be this close to her and not touch her. Gently, I brush my fingertips across her cheek before cupping her face in my hand. My heart rate picks up at this simple contact. God, I'm so in love with this girl and I have no idea what I'm going to do about it. Tears start to flow from her eyes. It breaks my heart. She leans into my hand and that’s all the encouragement I need.

“Oh, baby. Come here.”

Standing, picking her up in my arms in the process, I slide down the side of the car. Sitting on the concrete parking lot with her in my lap, I stroke her hair gently trying to get her to calm down.

“Breathe, baby. Slow deep breaths.”

Thinking back to the lake, I remember how rubbing her back relaxed her. It won't hurt to try that now. Slowly, I run my hand up and down her back. Knowing that music is such a big part of her life, I decide to hum to her.

Moving my mouth close to her ear, I hum her song to her while gently rocking her back and forth in a soothing motion. She takes in a shaky breath. Her body trembles in my arms, I hold her tighter against my chest.

“I’ve got you baby. It’s okay. I’m right here.”

So help me if that idiot has done anything to hurt her, I’ll hunt him down. He won’t like it when I get a hold of him.

She starts to relax against me. It encourages me to keep doing what I'm doing. Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, she takes in another deep breath. Then she finally speaks.

“I’m sor...sorry.”

She's what? Why does she even think she needs to apologize to me? It bothers me that she thinks she can't let me see the real her. Like this would ever change my feelings for her, nothing could do that.

“Don’t you dare apologize, I’m just glad you’ve calmed down some.”

“I’ve never seen her do that.”

I look up at Tessa. What, she’s never done this before? “She’s never had an attack like this?”

“I’ve seen her have these attacks, but I’ve never seen her come out of one without medication.”

What does she mean? What kind of medication?

“Does she do this a lot?”

Kayla has her head buried into my chest and the feeling is indescribable. This is right where she belongs. Right here with me.

“She had a bad one last week, but before that she hadn’t had one in a very long time.”

Why did she have one last week? Is that why she hasn’t contacted me? “It’s panic attacks, right?”

“I’m right here you know. I can hear you. This is not stuff I want everyone to know.”

I pull her back and look into those crystal green eyes that I love. I just want her to be okay. “I’m not everyone. If it has to do with you, I want to know about it. I don’t want you to ever hide stuff from me. I want to know everything about you. If you have panic attacks, I need to know about it.”

Tessa speaking causes me to stop and look at her.

“I’m going to go inside and give y’all some privacy.”

Kayla looks up at her. “I’m sorry. Thank you for your help and thank you for bringing me here.”

“No problem, you know I’d do anything for you. You need to talk to him Kayla. He needs to know
everything
.”

Everything? What else does she need to tell? I’m going to find out one way or another. If Kayla won’t tell me, then Tessa damn well better. I stand up with her still in my arms and walk across the parking lot. She has wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Where are we going?” She asks.

“I’m taking you to our bench. You and I are going to have a long talk. Starting with why you are having these panic attacks and then we will discuss why you are here tonight.”

Kayla

He carries me around to the side of the building. It feels so right to be in his arms again. I have my arms wrapped around his neck and my head is buried there. When we get to the bench, he sits with me and holds me on his lap, instead of sitting me down beside him. I really don't want to have this conversation. I don’t want to share these dark things with him.

“Okay, tell me why you have started having panic attacks again. Tessa, says you haven’t had one in a very long time, then all of the sudden you have two within two weeks. So what caused you to have the one last week and the one you just had. Don’t be afraid to share this stuff with me. When I say I want to know everything about you, I mean everything. The good and bad, honey. I've missed you so much. You have no idea, how good it feels to have you in my arms.”

It can’t feel as good to him as it does to me. I’ve ran different scenarios in my head about how this was going to go once we got here, but in none of them did he see me in a full blown panic attack.

“Do we really have to talk about this? I just want to enjoy sitting here with you. I don’t think I can talk about it.” I’m hoping that he won’t push the issue; however, I know the reality is that he wants to know and he isn’t going to give up until I tell him what is going on.

He hugs me a little tighter and my body lifts with his chest as he takes in a deep breath and lets it out. I know he is thinking about what he should say to me without upsetting me.

“I need to know. It’s not just that I want to know, because I do, but I have to know. Being so far away from you has been torture for me and then you not communicating with me at all; I can’t even begin to describe how that felt. I’m going against everything in my nature with you. I’ve never cared about someone’s feelings as much as I do yours, so, please, don’t ask me, not to ask you for answers. I worry about you day and night and after what I just witnessed, I’ll worry about you even more. I want to be the man who is there for you, but you have to let me in. Please, Kayla, let me in.”

How can I tell him no? I’m not ready to share it all. I’ll tell him just what I have to tell him. He’s rubbing my back again in that soothing way he does. “I had a panic attack last week the day that we got back home and I broke up with David. He didn’t take it very well and some of the things he said really upset me. That’s what brought on the first panic attack.” I can feel his whole body stiffen. I also feel his clenched jaw against my head.

He speaks through his clenched teeth and his entire body is rigid.

“What did he say to you?” 

Angry Blake, is a little scary. “It doesn’t really matter what he said. It just upset me.”

Blake pulls me back and our faces are so close our noses are almost touching. He is scanning my face with his eyes and both of his hands are clenching my arms. The concern I see in his eyes touches my heart. I give him a small, sad smile.

“That’s exactly why, what he said matters to me. Anything that concerns you matters to me. Whether it makes you happy, sad, furious, or hurt, it matters to me.”