Finding Refuge (20 page)

“No, you don’t.” Andri took the cell phone out of his hand
and clipped it onto his belt. She grasped both his hands in hers, giving him a
good squeeze. “No more work today, Travis. Everyone will understand.”

Something slipped a little behind his gaze. Work, Travis’s
favorite escape mechanism. She’d removed it, and she knew he recognized that he
wasn’t getting it back. Travis shook his head and pulled her close to him.
Round one, Andri.
She walked by his side back to Intensive
Care.

Sophia Holt stood in the middle of the waiting room when
they arrived. Travis went to his mother, cradling her shoulders in his arm,
steadying her. Sophia let him support her for a moment, until her gaze landed
on Andri. Sophia stiffened and laid a slim hand on Travis’s chest, pushing him
away. She hoped with every fiber of her being that Sophia wasn’t angry with
Travis because she was there. It would be just her luck to cause a greater
strain on Travis’s relationship with his mother.

Sophia turned and walked away from her son, settling into a
chair beside another woman who closely resembled her. Her sister, perhaps. The
anger and hurt raking across Travis’s hard features cut Andri to the quick. She
took his hand, and he led her to a chair.

One hour eased into two. The tension cranked up with each
tick of the waiting room clock. Andri curled up on the chair, observing the way
Travis’s family interacted. She learned a great deal, most of which saddened
her. Terrence’s sister, Sarah, stayed by Sophia’s side, along with Sophia’s
sister, Francesca. The women held her hands. Francesca spoke quietly. “Let’s go
to the cafeteria, Sophie. You need to eat something, honey, to keep up your
strength.”

Sarah nodded. “At least come with us for coffee.”

Sophia shook her head, eyes red but dry. “I can’t,” she
said, her voice thin.

Francesca looked over at Travis, pleading in her eyes, and
Andri felt him tense up and scoot to the edge of his seat, ready to serve his
mother in any way she’d allow him.

“How about I send Travis for something,” his aunt said.
“Even a croissant or an apple would help.”

Sophia glanced in her son’s direction and shook her head
again. “No. Maybe some coffee. Would you mind getting some, Sarah?”

Andri watched Travis as his mother shut down the invitation
for him to help. His expression darkened for a split second before clearing.
How much practice must he have had to be able to show so little reaction to
being dismissed by his own mother? His aunts doted on his mother, shored her
up, doing all those things Andri knew Travis would do, if only Sophia let him.
Instead, the woman shut her son out. It bewildered her.

Terrence’s brother Mac, and his wife, Deanna, brought a
jigsaw puzzle to the hospital, and slowly assembled a photograph of the
Manhattan skyline on a table in the waiting room. Mac spoke to Travis briefly,
and Deanna hugged him and patted him on the cheek, telling him everything would
be fine, people survived worse things every day. Travis, calm as ever, thanked
them, asked them if they needed anything. Finally, Travis cut himself away from
everyone and stood at the window.

Andri went to him when it became clear he intended to stay
where he was. She stood beside him, watching the heavy storm clouds release
their loads of rain. She ran her hand down Travis’s arm, reading his stress in
his taut muscles.

She kept her voice quiet for the sake of what little privacy
the big room offered. “Travis, are you hungry? Do you want something to drink?”

He matched her soft volume, not returning her gaze. “No.”

Lifting a hand, she started rubbing the muscles at the back
of his neck. He winced before he shrugged her hand away. “Don’t,” he said.

“You have a headache.”

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you are. And I’m also sure you have a
headache that could knock over a horse.” She grabbed his hand and tugged him to
follow her, which he reluctantly did. He dropped onto a sofa, and she settled
in behind him, her legs to either side of his. She leaned up close to his ear.
“I know it sounds ridiculous, under the circumstances, but try to relax.”

He took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then exhaled as
she put her hands to work on his neck and shoulders. She kneaded his muscles,
not quite easing the tension from him before he tightened up again. She spoke
quietly to him while she worked his shoulders. “Travis, don’t fight me.
Concentrate on my touch, don’t think about anything else.”

After a few minutes, he let his head drop slightly, then her
efforts started working. She blocked out all thought, concentrating on his
steel shoulders. She massaged the width of his shoulders, down his back between
his shoulder blades, up the sides of his neck to the base of his skull.

When his muscles felt sufficiently relaxed, Andri slid her
hands down past his collarbone and pressed against his chest. He shifted
forward in the sofa and leaned back against her. She laid her fingers against
his temples, rubbing in gentle circles. “Close your eyes, Travis.”

He obeyed, and she studied his thick brown lashes for a
moment before returning to her self-appointed task. She massaged across his
scalp, along his jaw, behind his ears. He suddenly felt heavier against her, as
if the tension had vanished, and she smiled, triumphant. She’d put him to
sleep. She leaned her head against the back of the sofa, stroking his hair. His
weight settled against her felt so comfortable, so right. She draped her arms
across his chest and just before Andri closed her eyes, she caught a glance
from Travis’s uncle. Mac smiled at her, relief in his expression, then returned
his attention to the puzzle.

Andri drifted in the netherworld between sleep and full
consciousness, not knowing or caring how much time passed. All that mattered
was her awareness of Travis’s body covering hers, the intimacy of him sleeping
in her arms. He stirred, jogging her back to alertness when he sat up slightly
and turned to look at her. She opened her eyes, finding a hint of peace in
Travis’s gaze. A peace that vanished when someone appeared in the doorway.
Travis shifted away from her as Rachel walked in. Danny followed, his hair damp
from the storm and plastered against his face and neck.

Emotions warred within Andri as she observed Danny. He was
unshaven, eyes bloodshot, but his clothes were clean. Maybe Rachel made him
shower before coming over, to make him more presentable for the family.
Sometimes her dad had done that with Ma. More often than not, he took Andri and
Dmitri to whatever event had arrived and made excuses for her mother’s absence.

Other than a few glances at the rest of the family, Danny
kept his eyes on the ground. His shoulders slumped forward and remorse radiated
from him. She didn’t know him well at all, yet Andri wasn’t sure which emotion
carved deeper into her heart: anger at what he put Travis through, or sorrow
for Danny’s continued war with his demons.

Danny walked over to his mother. She patted his hand before
returning her attention to her sister. His shoulders rounded in further and he
shuffled over and dropped into a chair beside the sofa. Rachel took the next
chair.

Travis grabbed Andri’s hand, weaving his fingers between
hers, his grip hard, as if he were holding on for dear life. “Thanks for
bringing him, Rachel.”

Rachel nodded and Danny looked up at Travis. The stark
anguish in his expression startled Andri. His throat worked for a moment. “How
is he, Trav?”

“We don’t know yet. He’s—” Travis abruptly stopped and
surged to his feet, pulling Andri up with him, as a doctor entered the waiting
room.

Sophia rose, a white-knuckled grip on her sister and
sister-in-law. “Dr. Stone,” she said, a tremor in her voice. “How is my
husband?”

“Mrs. Holt. He’s back in the ICU. The damage was extensive.
I’m afraid I can’t make any promises.”

Andri released Travis when Danny’s eyes squeezed closed, his
face contorted in pain. Travis put an arm around his brother, whispering
comfort. She rose to stand by Rachel, whose red eyes and hitching breath
betrayed her fears. “Hey, you okay, Rach?”

She nodded, reaching for a tissue on a nearby table and
wiping her nose. “Yeah. Terry’s like a second dad,” Rachel whispered. “I love
him so much, and I’m scared.”

Andri hugged her dear friend close. What could she say? It
will be okay? No. Because every person in the room who cared about Terrence
Holt knew it very well might not be okay, ever again.

The rest of the day passed with unbearable sluggishness.
Travis tried to care for his family, especially his mother, throughout the day.
Sophia was polite, but completely withdrawn from her sons. Danny didn’t bother
to try engaging her. Travis never gave up trying. He attempted to reach her,
bringing whatever she might need. He reached for her in more subtle ways, too.
A touch on her shoulder, a gentle squeeze of her hand, but she pushed him away,
sometimes literally.

When Andri looked in Travis’s eyes, she saw the wall, higher
and thicker than ever, blocking his emotions. She sighed, her heart heavy at
the exposure of so much of Travis’s baggage. She watched him cater to everyone’s
needs while she turned the situation over in her head, putting the pieces into
place. She’d bet money that there was a correlation between his mother and his
ex. Had Travis married a woman too much like his mother, still seeking
approval, and finding more of the same? That would explain why he retreated
sometimes, closing himself off from her. It would also go a long way toward
explaining why Travis believed he was such a failure in his relationships and
other areas of his life.

What a mess. How would he ever fully trust her and give her
his heart when this is what he knew?

****

It took Travis all damned day, but he finally managed to
shut his emotions down completely. He had to, if he wanted to function at all.
And function he must. His mother needed so much more than what he had to offer,
but he could still make sure she had comfort, even if his part of providing it
meant ensuring she was surrounded by people whose help she would accept. To
facilitate that, he took care of his aunts and uncles who came and went as the
hours passed. He fetched coffee, water, snacks, anything he could do to be
helpful.

Danny had shut down too. He hadn’t stayed long. After the
doctor’s report, he took time to see Dad. When his brother walked out, the
anxiety emblazoned on his face made Travis embrace him. Yeah, his little
brother was a mess, but he read him well enough to know he felt responsible for
Dad. The litany in Travis’s head had already added his father to his personal
failure list, so he knew too well how Danny felt. Neither he nor Danny,
apparently, could find words to fill the space between them. He was grateful
when Rachel took his brother home.

When the day had given way to night and most of the local
relatives had drifted back home to wait for further developments, Travis
entered his father’s room. The sight of his vibrant, larger than life figure
lying helpless in the hospital bed nearly drove him to his knees.

A respirator helped his dad breathe, and Travis stared at
the readings on the monitors for a long time, finding comfort in the steady
blips and stable numbers on the display. Finally, he reached out and closed his
hand around his father’s. When had his hand grown larger than Dad’s? So many
memories as a child, placing their palms together, wondering if his little
fingers would ever be the same size. Now it had happened and he didn’t remember
when.

“Dad,” he whispered, tears threatening to choke his ability
to speak entirely. “Please fight. You have to get better.”

He touched his father’s face, stroked his hair. “I’m not…I
don’t know if I’ll ever be the man you are. You’re so damned strong. I try to
emulate you, but an imitation is the best I can do, and it’s a pale one. Please
get better. Please, Daddy.”

He swiped his sleeve across his eyes, wiping up the tears he
couldn’t control. He leaned down and pressed his lips to his father’s pale
forehead. “I don’t know how to carry everything by myself, but I will do it.
I’ll find a way. I’ll take care of Mother and Danny. The company. I’ll hold it
all until you’re better, I promise. You don’t have to worry about anything but
healing.”

A knock at the door preceded a nurse stepping in to check
his father. He nodded at her, squeezed his father’s hand one more time, then
left the room.

When he returned to the waiting room, Andri, concern
emanating from her frame, wrapped her arms around him. He let her embrace him
until her gentle comfort threatened to shatter his ability to hold everything
together. He stepped back, grabbing her hands and kissing them, trying to let
her know he appreciated her without losing it.

“You should get some sleep,” she said, trailing her fingers
down his cheek, her touch cracking his heart around the edges. “Let me take you
home.”

He shook his head. “I need to stay with my mother. Please
understand.”

Her smile seemed sad. “I do,
kardia mou
.”

He kissed her. He wanted her to stay with everything he had,
but he had nothing to offer her in return. Not right now. And that was hardly
fair. “Go home, sweetheart. Sleep. Give Fluffball some attention.”

She looked at him for a long moment, clearly sifting and
weighing her options. Finally, she nodded. “If you need anything, I don’t care
what time it is, you call. Promise me.”

“I promise.”

Chapter Thirteen

Travis left the hospital at two in the morning, because his
mother demanded it. Additional aunts, uncles, and cousins would be arriving
over the next few hours, and someone had to be at his parents’ house to let
them in and get them settled. At least she’d finally asked something of him.
That was a step in the right direction.