Finding the Thing Within (4 page)

and couldn’t help admiring his statuesque physique.
Hell.
He was thinking,
Why does he have to have such a plain face? And then the glasses.
Rosario could stand guys with

glasses, to say nothing of baldness. From what he could hear, it sounded like he was talking to a girl.

“Uh…Ok then, I’ll see you tonight. Yeah, ok, after dinner. Yes, first I’ll pick up Tullio and Patrizia and then I’ll come and get you…Ok, yes bye.” He turned back to Rosario.

“Sorry that was my friend, she wants us all to go out tonight.”
“Do they know about you?”
“Who?”
“Your friends?”
“Know what?”
“That you’re gay?”
“But I’m not ‘gay'. To tell the truth, I don’t really know what I am.”
“So what were you doing on the forum of a gay site then?”
“Curiosity...only curiosity.”
“What? Do you even like guys? Have you ever been with a man?”
“Well quite a while ago, I had a bit of an encounter from this boy. We were at the beach but I left when he started getting heavy.”
“So you’ve never actually been with a man?”
“Not at all! But I can’t say that I don’t look when a nice looking boy walks past, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you for sure whether this means that I definitely like men. Anyway, tell me about you.”
“Yeah well like I told you I’m thirty-nine and I’m a sales rep and I like to get about…I get on with guys your age and I love music and electronics. I’m
fairly
interested in politics and television. You can learn a lot from the television, you know?”
“Yeah about how to be even more nullified...”
“Come on, that’s not true. Obviously, if you just watch demented things on TV, you end up demented yourself, but if you follow quality programs you can learn things. So sex isn’t important for you?”
“Of course it’s important, but it has to come with everything else. I’d say, about fifty percent of what it is. Anyway look at the time, it’s getting late.”
“Ten past eight.”
“Yeah it’s late, we’ll stay in touch right?”
“What’s your surname,” asked Rosario.
“Why d’you want to know?”
“Doesn’t matter!”
“Ok, see you later then, ciao.”
“Ciao.”
Rosario headed slightly discontentedly back towards his car. Lorenzo hadn’t been so bad after all. He hadn’t really been all that bad looking and he had had a nice way about him and spoke intelligently. That beautiful

voice was the thing he liked most.
Shit…doesn’t matter, doubt I’ll hear from him again. He won’t call and I’m damned if I will.
***

When he got back home though he found himself in front of the screen typing an email:
“Ciao, Well I suppose now that we’ve met we can discuss things more openly, don’t you think? A while ago you were saying that at any eventual meeting, looks wouldn’t be important because it would only be for interesting talk. Anyway, I think a better description of myself is in order. I’m (I’d like to say a boy, but it’s clearly not the case) a man with good points and bad points, like everyone. I’m an Aquarius and so I’m moody, exuberant, friendly but serious. One day insanely happy and the next equally pissed off, for no reason whatsoever. I don’t like to be too tied down. With my interest in electronics, I’ve come up with some nutty things which ultimately only I liked them. A couple of the really good ideas I’ve had patented, but alas they bore no fruit (did I tell you I was unlucky!). I see music as a branch of my interest in electronics and I really love classical. The only music I can’t stand is those awful melodic Neapolitan songs. I had a car-stereo shop for ten years and then one day a salesman said to me, ‘How much do you earn buttoned up in here? Come with me and be a sales rep!’ But this was all in 1991 and from an economic perspective everything was rosy until 1993’s crash.
Everything went wrong. Then, three years ago, I lost my
father and my mother made it loud and clear that she was
scared and wasn’t staying alone at home. At that time I
was leaving home at the crack of dawn on Tuesday morning and coming back to Palermo late Friday evening, so I
had to change jobs for something more…normal, and I
took a job in a shop. The times, the routine, with no peaks
or troughs were driving me insane and after exactly a year
I quit and now…now I’m trying to get back into selling stuff.
But starting again after a year is hard. Not because I got
sick of it, but because all my clients have found other contacts.
After all this ranting, which you don’t want to hear
about, let’s move onto subjects more...sexy. I’ve always
been a bit of a lover, which is to say I’ve never been in love
or had any really serious relationship, maybe for all that
about me being an Aquarius. I like young men and get on
better with them socially too. I’ve never been interested in
people of my own age. My ideal range is 18 –28, tall,
handsome, muscled, but with a good brain and a nice
cock. Today you said ‘sex isn’t everything, only 50% of a
relationship'. Well I once met an amazing guy, tall and
hard-bodied with a melodious voice. Only problem, he had
a penis smaller than a seven-year old kid! And to be honest, I don’t think that relationship could ever have gone
anywhere. Sex has it’s role. I’m signing off, I’ll let you talk!
A wet kiss. Rosario”
He rested for a while and thought carefully about
their meeting. There was something strange for him; he
was thinking more about Lorenzo than Alex. But why? Alex
had been far hotter than Lorenzo, but Lorenzo was something else, and his physique had really been something.
Thinking on all this, he caught the time from the clock radio
on the bedside table. He had to get up early and it was
already half-past one so he turned over and tried to sleep. Dreaming, he saw, felt a strange amorphous monster trying, touching, trying to caress him, kiss him and he was escaping or wanted to escape, but couldn’t, held so tightly by the monster’s four arms and four legs, gripping, two of the legs binding, him completely locked. Wanting to scream, no sound would squeeze from his lips. Then he felt the monster’s long, green tongue protrude, penetrate his own mouth, suffocating him. In spite of the horror, there was a nagging sensation of pleasure. Far off a voice he couldn’t quite make out was calling, insisting…
“Rosario, get up, it’s late!”
Returning to consciousness, simultaneously seeing and hearing his mother trying to wake him up. He looked at his watch eight o’clock. Shit, it was late! He got up, went to the bathroom, had breakfast and left the apartment. He managed to get through all of his engagements by midday and, being still to early to go home and near Georgia Dagnino’s shop; he decided to drop in on her.

Part 4

Giorgia was his only true friend aside from Francesco. In fact, it had been Francesco who had introduced him to Giorgia. Francesco had introduced him to the very few women who were a part of his life. Giorgia was a woman in her fifties, charming and attractive, obviously not for Rosario, but he could plainly see that straight men eyed her with great interest; though she was no spring chicken. She was tall and graceful with her hair cut short. She could be as polite or loud as anyone but she could be really harsh and arrogant with people who were asking for it.

Other men would also admire her for her breasts, still resisting the gravity of age, and her round, but not disproportionate, ass and thin hips gave her an enviably hourglass figure.

Francesco had introduced her, twelve years ago as an exceptional woman; a woman with balls, and Georgia had not liked him at first. He was not her type but she understood nothing about his ambiguity until Francesco illuminated her. Ever since, perhaps for curiosity, or for the fact that there would never be anything physical between them, they had entered into a pact of friendship that was founded on a sense of complicity.

Rosario could talk to her without reserve and garnered valuable advice at the same time. She had married, separated and brought up two children. She became a grandmother when her son Michelangelo had his own child when he was thirty. Her first child she had at fifteen and it had been a life of struggle and sacrifices. Her second, twenty-year-old, Davide was the subject of great attention from Rosario, who was completely open about this to Giorgia. She would only answer disinterestedly with “Don’t touch him.” In any case there was evidently nothing to worry about since Davide, like all the Dagnino family, had an extremely healthy libido and Davide had been with more women at twenty, than Rosario had his whole life.

As soon as she saw him, Giorgia Dagnino threw her arms up, and around him.
“My Darling! What are you doing here? Aren’t you working today?”
“Yeah, I was. I only had a few clients and so I finished early. People aren’t buying much recently and appointments with clients don’t last too long.”
“Well anyway! How are you? It’s been a while…”
“I know, but you know how seeing the same person too much makes me sad.”
“What? You’re evil! Even with me, your only real friend?”
“Ha, you know I’m kidding. No, I’ve been a bit busy of late…”
“Come on, out with it, what have you got to tell me?”
“What? Nothing!”
“Liar, you forget that I know you. You’re so obvious when you come with something to say.”
“Well…maybe, something…”
“Who have you met now?”
“Someone I met online and then we just met up.”
“What’s he like?”
“Well, to be frank, he isn’t that much to look at, he’s bald and wears glasses.”
“Whaa? No way!” and she put together a disgusted face. “You know I don’t like bald men. I don’t even like it when you cut your hair so short. Is he really completely bald?”
“He has hair around his scalp but keeps it short to not look strange what with the total baldness on top. He’ll look like a pool ball in a few years.”
“What are you even talking about? I thought you didn’t like baldness either.”
“He’s got a stunning body, he’s tall and he has a beautiful voice.”
“That’s what it is then?”
“That’s what it is.”
“And now what?”
“I’m not really sure; maybe I’ll see him again; maybe not.”
“I don’t really get you then. You’ve never had an interest for anyone beyond the short term, and now you’re talking like this.”
“Like what? There’s no ‘interest’ for anyone. I was just telling you about a thing with a guy that I met in a chat room. That’s all.”
“That’ll be it then!”
“Anyway I’ve got to be getting on. Ciao, mother dear.”
He called her this cheekily, reminding her of her age and she always rose to the bait.
“You’re a little bugger; remember I’m only three years older than you so you don’t need to call
me
‘mother’. Ciao Bello! Call me soon.”
“See you later, Giò.”

***

He opened the email, dated 6
^th
June 2002:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about when we met, and have to say that I really enjoyed your email…I read it eagerly and tried to read between the lines. Your libertine attitude really sets me thinking...this desire for sexual gratification you have doesn’t leave me cold. For one, I want to clear something up. Sex is extremely important for me too! It’s a matter of fact...If I were stuck with some pea-sized wonder I don't think I would be too impressed either. But it is nonetheless an (essential) element of a good relationship. When I say 50% I mean a great deal anyway...the rest is made up of beauty, intelligence, simplicity-all things which make up a good person, whether male or female. So I wouldn't say that I underestimate aesthetic beauty, in fact it’s just the opposite, I give it a lot of importance. The only thing I’d really like is for this not to finish by itself, and I want to better understand what it is you mean when you say that you’re a lover…you doll it out left and right? Even accepting this, it still scares me...I feel a need to get to know you better and cant wait till we meet again...maybe I’ll even tell you a little about me...ciao. Lorenzo”

Rosario felt strangely happy without knowing why. He didn’t think he liked Lorenzo physically, he was miles from his usual handsome type and he had already decided that because he didn’t like him, he wouldn’t see him again, but now when he switched on his computer and there was no post from Lorenzo, he was disappointed.

That night he had his date with Alex at eight o’clock and he arrived punctually as ever. Alex was late as well, and when he arrived he apologized saying that it was his aerobics instructor’s fault. Rosario started talking about various things, asking about Alex’s day but he only responded with echo questions. He didn’t remember that he had spoken to him about his appointment with Lorenzo the previous day.

“How did it go with that boy last night? Did you meet up?”
“We met up.”
“How was he? Nice?”
“Well…not bad,” he didn’t want to say everything, to go into details.
“Did you get it on?”
“Why are you asking?”
“Only to understand if you’re sated or horny as hell like last night…”
“As horny as last night,” and they distanced themselves to be alone together.

“Ciao Lorenzo. I’m glad you liked my email, and you read it very carefully. I didn’t want to bore you but I think in the end I managed not to. What does it mean to be Libertine? It means that I’ve never had strong sentimental ties with either a man or a woman. It means that if people start telling me to do certain things, I get uneasy. It means that I won’t be pigeon-holed. It means that I want to be free to think and react the way I want, that I want to be free to be wrong or to guess somethings. When sometimes I go out with my friends, I know for certain that they’ll choose some kind of terrible film, I’m very democratic so I would have to go with the majority-so often I go alone to the cinema! What does it mean to describe myself as a ‘lover’? See the previous answer. That is to say, not having ever had a serious relationship, my encounters were always of the third kind. I have no problems with roles in relationships, nor problems with what to do. Only one thing, I don’t like anal, not saying I haven’t done it in the past, I just don’t enjoy it that much. It’s not a question of male pride, some do it, that is, they take it, the important thing is that at the end of the day I’m not the gay one. I don’t like because it hurts, both for who’s giving and who’s receiving. I’m confiding intimate things to you here...things which are confided only to intimates, and we aren’t that yet. I hope we will be. I’d like to know you better too! Straight away I liked your personality most about you (for the little that I’ve known you!), your toned body and your...culture, and the fact that you seem to be very masculine. Fruitcakes and fairies are boring…From when I first heard your voice I loved it’s strong, hot, slightly authoritarian tone; a voice that inspires confidence. We can meet again any time you want, even before Sunday, when I usually go to the beach. Bye for now. Rosario.”