First Chances (18 page)

When had I become so cold?

“I’m not Estella,” I whispered, because that was the truth.

Estella had been through shit in her life, yet she wasn’t a product of her circumstances. She’d had a lifetime of problems—abandoned by her mother, an alcoholic father, financial troubles—and in comparison to her, my problems were like the blink of an eye.

Compared to Three, to Eddie, my problems were nothing. My grief was reasonable, but my actions weren’t.

“I know,” Three said with an austere nod. “She’s a better person than you.”

Despite not raising a hand at me, his words felt as though he’d struck me across the face, and tears sprung to my eyes.

He was right. Estella was a better person than I was. Here was a boy who had hoped for someone better to come into his life, and he’d ended up with me and my assortment of issues.

“Don’t worry, Hadie.” Three gave me a wry smile as I grasped for something to say. “You’ll go back to your middle class life with your parents who love you unconditionally and your friends who would do anything for you, and your life will go on just fine.”

His words actually broke my heart apart. This was Three being real; this was him comparing our lives, and I couldn’t even disagree with him because I knew he was right. My life was substantially better than his, and it would always be. I had been a beacon of light for him, given him hope, but in the end I had misled him.

“I never meant for things to end this way,” I said, desperately trying to show him that a part of me did care about him, that I did appreciate his companionship the past couple of months.

“It’s okay,” he said, his tone devoid of all emotion. “It’s not really a break up if you were never in love in the first place. Good bye, Hadie.” With that, he turned around and walked back into the auto shop.

Stung by his iciness, I stumbled back to my car, my head pounding as nausea swept through me. I was a terrible person. I ruined lives. I was disappointing to the parents who had given me a great life. I had failed Lincoln; failed the person he had hoped me to be.

Somehow, I managed to get into the car and start the engine without breaking down, but as soon as I pulled out onto the road and headed for the exit out of Penthill, tears began falling fast from my eyes.

Wiping the tears away, I took the exit and tore down the long road that would take me back to Statlen.

I was a terrible person. I was a terrible person.

The words became a mantra in my head, as hot tears continued to fall down my face.

I was a terrible person. I was a terrible person.

My vision became blurred as the car careened around the bend.

I was a terrible person. I was a-

And that’s when I lost control of the car. That’s when I slammed my foot down on the brake. But it was too late. The car veered off the road, rushing towards a cluster of trees.

The last thing I remembered was a loud crash and the airbags deploying.

Then there was nothing.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Eddie

I hadn’t meant to walk in on my mom’s private phone conversation.

It was almost time for me to meet Hadie at the dead garden, and I’d gone down to the kitchen to let my mom know I was ready to leave.

What I hadn’t expected was for my mom to be leaning over the kitchen counter, her back to me, as she spoke to someone in a low voice.

“Howard, it’s a lot more complicated than that. I really want to be able to break it to Eddie gently. He’s going through a lot right now. I don’t know how he’s going to feel about us.” She sounded worried, and even though I couldn’t see her face, I knew her well enough to know that she was chewing on her bottom lip. “Yes, of course this is-”

“Mom?”

I didn’t want to be a sneak and listen in on her conversation with, well, the guy she was clearly dating. I still hadn’t figured out who he was, but I could tell he was having a positive effect on her life.

Mom had had a difficult time after Dad had left. She’d tried to continue being the bright, positive person she’d always been, but I could see that being alone was weighing down on her. Ever since she’d started talking to this new guy, something about her had changed, as though she’d found the bright spark in her life again.

Mom jumped, almost dropping the phone in surprise. “Eddie!” she said, her voice a little too high and pitchy. “I didn’t see you there.” She clutched the phone to her chest, frozen in place as we stared at each other.

“Do you want to finish talking to your boyfriend?” I motioned to the phone in question.

“What? Oh! This! It’s just a friend.” Her mouth fell open and she let out a strange, strangled laugh. She pressed the phone to her ear as heat crept onto her face. “Uh, um, I’ll talk to you when I see you.”

With that, she hung up and flashed me a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes. She was nervous, flustered. She hadn’t expected me to walk in and catch her on the phone. I mean, it really wasn’t even me catching her. It wasn’t like she was committing a terrible crime.

“Mom,” I said firmly, folding my arms across my chest, “I don’t care that you have a boyfriend. I want you to be happy. Does
Howard
make you happy?”

Her face turned bright pink and she opened and shut her mouth a couple of times, looking completely flustered. “Um, uh, well, yes.” She straightened up a little, looking more confident. “Yes, he does.”

I nodded as though that was the end of the matter. “Good. You deserve to have someone in your life who makes you happy.”

Mom’s bottom lip trembled and she promptly burst into tears, advancing towards me at the same time. “Oh, Eddie,” she sobbed, wrapping me in a bear hug. “When did you become so grown up?”

There was something special about a mother’s hug. Something that made you feel light, like all your worries and fears were being drained away. That was how my mom’s tight squeeze of death was making me feel.

Her question may have been rhetorical, but I answered anyway. “When our world turned upside down,” I said into her shoulder.

“Hey, Mommy,” I heard Hailie say from somewhere behind us, “can I have a cookie?”

Mom released me, hurriedly wiping her tears away before facing Hailie who was standing in the doorway of the kitchen. “No, honey, not right now. We’re having dinner very soon.” She quickly turned back to me, her forehead creasing with concern. “We’re meeting Howard for dinner. Is that okay? I should’ve told you sooner.”

“Mom, stop,” I said, rolling my eyes at her as I moved past her to grab my phone off the counter. “It’s fine. Go and have a good time.”

“Okay,” she said, sniffling a little. “Are you ready to leave? We’ll drop you off and head over to the restaurant to meet him.”

There weren’t many dining options in Statlen, so I assumed they were either going to
Belle’s
where I worked or the new Italian place that had opened up last month.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I said, glancing down at my phone to see that it was almost 6 pm and Hadie hadn’t messaged to change our plans.

“Hailie get your shoes and jacket on,” Mom directed at my sister, before focusing on me again. “And you still want me to drop you off at the building where you have support group?”

I nodded, watching Hailie walk over to the front door and slip her little boots on.

“Weird,” she said, making a face as she grabbed her purse from the kitchen table. “Well, if you need me to pick you up later on, let me know.”

“It should be okay. Hadie will bring me back home or I might just crash at hers.”

“Okay, well, here’s some money,” Mom said, reaching into her purse and pulling out a fifty dollar bill. “Take Hadie somewhere nice, aside from an office building.”

I stared at the money in surprise, shaking my head as I took a step away from her. “No, it’s fine. You need that money for more important things.”

“You gave me the money your band made. The least I can do is give you money that I made.” She fixed me with a stern look, wedging it into my hand. “I’ve been able to save a good amount from all the overtime I’ve been doing at the hospital. We can finally breathe a little, Eddie.”

Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I nodded and slipped the fifty into my wallet, grateful for the mother I had.

“I’m ready!” Hailie proclaimed, throwing her arms in the air.

Ten minutes later, Mom was pulling into the parking lot of the support group building. She brought the car to a stop and turned in her seat to face me. “Have fun, and let me know if you need anything.”

“Sure thing,” I said, pushing open my door and climbing out of the car. “Love you, guys.”

“Love you, Eddison.”

“Love you!” Hailie chimed from the back seat.

As I slammed the door shut, I glanced down at my phone again and saw that Hadie hadn’t messaged to let me know she was on her way. Waving at my mom and sister as the car pulled out of the lot, I typed out a quick message to Hadie.

Hey, I just got here. Where are you at?

After hitting send, I wrapped my arms around my body and headed down the slope towards the covered bridge, wondering if my girlfriend was already there.

Yep, girlfriend. Hadie Swinton was finally my girlfriend. I had fought so long to make her mine and it was finally a reality. My life honestly didn’t feel real right now. All I needed was some more time to free Hadie from all the pain she felt, and I knew one day she would be able to overcome it.

As I neared the bridge and saw she wasn’t there, I glanced down at my phone to check the time. It was now 6:20. Hadie and I had agreed to meet at 6. She was normally a punctual person, but maybe she had been getting ready and lost track of time.

Since she hadn’t messaged back, I decided to try calling her.

Her phone rang once and went straight to voicemail. I hung up, staring at my phone in confusion.

Had her phone died? Had she switched it off? Had she lost signal? We did live in a tiny town after all, and cell service wasn’t the best out here.

Just in case, I called her back. Once again, the phone rang once and went straight to voicemail. I let it play out so that I could leave her a message.

Beep.

“Hi, Hadie, I’m waiting for you on the bridge. Let me know where you are.”

I pressed 1 to save the message and hung up, tapping my phone as anxiety built up within me. Our second official day as a couple wasn’t starting off well. Of course, I wasn’t mad at Hadie. She was most likely driving on her way here and that’s why she wasn’t answering.

I jumped up and down on the spot, trying to ward off the cold. The minutes passed by before I glanced down at my phone again. It was now 6:47 pm. I decided to call Hadie’s parents in case something was wrong.

“Hi, Eddie!” Mrs. Swinton said, answering the phone cheerfully.

“Hey, Mrs. Swinton,” I said, shoving a hand in my jacket pocket and letting my fingers brush against the piece of paper in it. “Is Hadie still at home?”

“No, dear. Her car is gone.” She paused as Mr. Swinton said something in the background. “Wasn’t she supposed to meet you at six?”

“Yeah,” I said, pushing the snow around with a shoe. “She hasn’t shown up yet and I can’t reach her on her phone.”

“Hmm, that seems strange.” I detected the slightest hint of worry in her voice. “Let me contact her friends and see if they know anything.”

“Okay, thanks,” I said, hanging up and moving back over to the steps to sit down.

The silence around me was deafening; the frosty air was miserable. I zipped my jacket all the way up to my chin as I shoved both hands into my jacket pocket to keep them warm. An uneasiness was growing in my chest. Doubt crept into me.

Hadie wasn’t standing me up was she? Had she changed her mind about us? Was she having second thoughts?

My phone rang and my head shot down, hoping it was Hadie. Nope. It was her mother.

“Hey, Mrs. Swinton,” I said, hoping she was calling to tell me that Hadie had been at the library and had forgotten to check the time.

“Hi, Eddie,” she said slowly, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I called Estella and she said Hadie went to see Three.”

My jaw dropped.

“What?” I jumped up again.

“Unfortunately, yes. Estella told her something that Three did, and Hadie said she was going to see him, but that was almost two hours ago.” She sighed into the phone. “I don’t know what’s gotten into her or why she would waste her time going to see him. That boy is nothing but trouble.”

She didn’t know the half of it. Estella seemed to have omitted the part about Three beating me up, probably to avoid worrying Mrs. Swinton further.

“Thanks for letting me know, Mrs. Swinton. I guess I’ll just head home.”

“I’m sorry, Eddie,” she said, sounding exhausted. “I hope everything works out. I’ll talk to her when she gets home.

We hung up, and I stared down into the eerily silent dead garden, trying to process everything. Estella had told Hadie that Three had beaten me up. Hadie had probably gotten mad and gone to see him.

But what had happened after that? Had Three justified his actions as love for her? Did she secretly have feelings for him and had given into them? Were they still talking about what had happened?

I couldn’t be sure. All I knew was Hadie wasn’t with me right now—she was with Three, and that was just about the worst feeling I’d ever experienced.

My girlfriend had gone to see a guy who liked her, and she hadn’t bothered to tell me about it.

That thought made me angry. It made me so angry that I swore into the night and kicked the ground, sending snow flying out in front of me.

It wasn’t meant to turn out this way. She was supposed to be here with me. She had chosen me. Once again, Three had wedged himself in between us and there was nothing I could do about it.

Except leave.

All I could do was leave and go home.

Mom had told me I could call her if I needed to be picked up, but she and Hailie were probably still at dinner with this Howard guy and I didn’t want to bother them. So I called the only people I wanted to be around right now.

Luca and Ashton.

Don’t ask me why I didn’t call Riley or Stacey, or even Elly.

Whatever the reason, Luca and Ashton arrived to come and get me within fifteen minutes of me calling them. Well, Luca did since Ashton didn’t drive, but she came along with him.

“Eddie, what’s going on?” Ashton demanded immediately, turning to stare at me with wide eyes as I got into the backseat of Luca’s beat up station wagon. “You were so vague on the phone.”

Throwing my head back against the seat, I stared up at the ceiling of the car. “Hadie went to see Three. She never called me to let me know and she never showed up to meet me.”

Luca let out an irritated sound. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“What?” Ashton gasped, clamping a hand over her mouth. Then her eyes narrowed into angry slits. “How the hell could she do that to you? She was fine last night!”

I shrugged, releasing a long sigh. Shoving a hand in my jacket pocket, I pulled out the note Lincoln had written to me and handed it to Ashton. “I was going to show her this tonight.”

Luca reached over to flip on the interior light, and they both bowed their heads together as they stared down at the note.

Luca’s brow furrowed as he glanced back up at me. “Don’t give up on her? What does that mean?”

It was about time I shared this secret with someone, and I knew Luca and Ashton were the ones I wanted to share it with. “It’s from Lincoln.” Ashton’s mouth dropped open at my words. “He wrote it and gave it to my mom at the hospital before he died.”

“Oh, my God.” Ashton stared back down at the note as realization dawned on her face. “He knew you had feelings for Hadie. He wanted you to keep fighting for her.”

I nodded, staring out of the window into the darkness. It had started to snow, perfect flakes drifting down and settling on the car.

“Am I a shitty person if I’m done?” I turned to meet their eyes. “Am I a shitty person if I’m ready to give up on her?”