First Lady (25 page)
The agent looked nearly as casual, though he wore a vest to conceal his weapon.
They’d come directly from the airport to the Wyndham Nashville Airport Hotel, where Lauren had dropped off her overnight bag. She wanted this over.
“Actually, the President instructed me to give you all the privacy you required.”
Lauren blinked. “She did?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He gave her a gentle smile and a slight nod.
You get a kiss for that one, Devlyn.
“I’ll be here if you need me.”
Lauren smiled warmly. “Thank you. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck.”
She drew in a steadying breath and opened the car door, slowly walking up the narrow, cracked sidewalk that led to her childhood home. She was struck by the familiarity of the moment. How many times had she traveled this short path in the past? And were there ever times when her stomach was not churning with dread at being in this place?
Yes, her mind instantly supplied, you know the ones. She closed her eyes and relived those few precious moments, well-worn memories she held close to her heart. Her mother helping her stand on roller blades for the first time and both of them laughing as Lauren fell again and again, taking her mother with her each time she tumbled to the ground. The sweltering July day when her father stayed home an extra hour at lunchtime to run alongside a nervous rider as she peddled a rickety bicycle for all she was worth. Carving a Jack-O-Lantern on the front porch and being told by both her parents that hers was the prettiest one on the block.
Lauren shook herself from her memories and glanced around. The sun was just starting to set, painting shadows across a small lawn that wanted cutting. She climbed the three steps to the porch, hearing the familiar creak of the last stair as it groaned slightly under her weight. She lifted her hand to knock and swallowed hard, regretting that she’d insisted that Devlyn stay in
baby-sit
her here. At the moment, however, she felt very alone. And it’s my own damn fault. Before she could change her mind, she rapped on the door.
It took a moment, but finally the door opened and Howard Strayer stood there, slack-jawed at finding his wayward daughter looking up at him with soft, worried eyes. There was a painfully long silence where each of them shifted uncomfortably, waiting for the other to speak.
Finally, Lauren cleared her throat and said, “Hello, Daddy.”
He was standing in the shadows, but even there Lauren could see how much older he looked than the last time they were together. The creases in his face were deeper and he looked thinner and weary.
Howard gently cleared his throat, his gaze drifting to the curb. “That your new boyfriend?” With a square chin, he gestured towards the Secret Service agent waiting in the car. “Get tired of being famous so you picked an ordinary man instead?”
Lauren sighed. “I’m still with Devlyn, Daddy. That’s Jack, an agent assigned to try and keep me safe.”
Howard’s gray-eyed gaze flicked to Lauren and ignited with indignation. “Safe from me?”
Shit. “Of course not.”
He grunted and dismissed the agent from his thoughts. “Why are you here? I told you before, if you—”
“—If I left
“Don’t you sass me, girl.” Howard’s expression darkened. “Your mama taught you better than that.”
They stood there staring at one another, searching for family, but seeing a stranger’s eyes instead. Howard finally looked away and sighed. “Do… um… do you want to come in?”
“Yes,” Lauren blurted. “Or… well, maybe we could go out back?” Nervously, she stuffed her hands into her pockets. “It’s cooler outside.”
It wasn’t a particularly warm day, but he drawled a low, “All right,” and headed around back with Lauren trailing behind him.
The back yard was small and surrounded by a white picket fence that was missing planks every so often. “Don’t come out here much,” he said, seeing Lauren’s gaze travel to the fence. “No kids playin’ back here anymore.”
Several lawn chairs were clustered around a small table that held an ashtray and an empty soda can. Howard sat down first. When Lauren remained standing, he lifted grizzled eyebrows. “What?” His voice was gruff but held a resigned note that surprised Lauren. It was as though all the fight had gone out of him.
She looked at the ashtray. “I thought you quit.”
“I thought you were normal.” He shrugged one shoulder. “Guess neither one of us knows the other as well as we thought we did.”
She wasn’t surprised by his attitude, but the remark hit her in an unexpectedly deep place. It stung, but she refused be baited. “That was cruel, Daddy.”
His jaw worked, and he pushed the table away and stood, ready to bolt. “I know,” he whispered. “Go back to
Washington
,
“No,” Lauren agreed, reaching out and laying her hand on his forearm. “It hasn’t. But you’re still my father.” She swallowed. “Please wait. I… um… I came here to talk, not to argue.”
Howard let out a slow breath and nodded. He sat back down and steepled thick fingers on the tabletop. “Do we have anything to talk about?”
A lump grew in Lauren’s throat, nearly cutting off her speech. “I really hope so, Daddy.” She sat down across the table from him, her mind scrambling to come up with something to say. She’d truly expected him to slam the door in her face, and now that she was actually here, talking to him, she found herself uncharacteristically tongue-tied.
After a long flustered moment, he broke the silence by a whispered, “How could you do it?”
Lauren winced. That wasn’t the beginning she’d been hoping for. “How could I do what? You’ll have to be more specific. Seems like I’m disappointing a lot of people these days. Whether I mean to or not.”
Howard leaned forward intently. “How could you leave when we needed you? And all to take up with… that… that woman?”
“Her name is Devlyn.”
“I know her Goddamned name!” A shaking hand coming up and sweeping back a shock of pale hair that was mixed liberally with gray.
She tried not to flinch, lifting one hand, only to let it drop again. “Jesus, Daddy, what do you want me to say? That I’m sorry I left
“No, no,” he murmured, still heartsick. “She was in the hospital.”
“So was Devlyn,” she shot back.
Howard slammed his hand down hard on the white, plastic table, causing it to wobble furiously. “That woman is not your family. Whatever you feel for her, it’s not the same thing as blood.”
“No,” she agreed slowly. “I guess it’s not. But even then I was closer to Devlyn than I ever was to Mama. She needed me. And, Daddy,” she paused and looked him directly in the eye, “she’s my family now.”
“Does that mean she’ll get the same respect we did?” he challenged. “We needed you, Lauren.”
Feeling slightly sick, Lauren dropped her gaze from his and spoke in a whisper. “I’m sorry I had to choose.”
Howard grunted his acknowledgement of her words, though not his acceptance. “And if you had to choose all over again?”
She looked up from her hands, her expression as fierce as he’d ever seen it. “I’d choose exactly the same way.”
He let out a low groan. His voice grew quiet and Lauren was shocked to see his eyes go misty. “What happened to make you want a woman that way?” he asked with all the bewilderment of a confused child. “Did someone touch you when you were a girl?” Desperately, he cast about for an explanation as Lauren stared at him, her mouth slightly open in shock. “Did—”
“No,” she hissed. She glanced skyward, waiting for some divine intervention she knew wouldn’t come. “God, it’s nothing like that, Daddy. Nothing happened to me except that I fell in love. It’s a wonderful thing, not a tragedy.”
He looked at her as though she was crazy, and Lauren felt her heart sink.
“But Judd—”
“—Was a nice guy who should have stayed my friend instead of becoming my husband.”
Howard crossed thick arms across his chest. “You were happy.”
Lauren shook her head. “I was happy with my job and my dog,” she corrected firmly. These misconceptions had gone on for far too long. “I was never happy with my marriage.” She bit her lip. “Daddy, how can I explain that we grew in opposite directions and didn’t even care? We wanted different things from each other. Things that neither one of us could give. It was a mistake from the beginning.”
“He’s a good man.”
“You’re not hearing me!
Didn’t you ever wonder why I spent most of my marriage overseas?”
“That was none of my business,” he answered gruffly, reaching to his shirt pocket for a cigarette.
Lauren nodded a little. “The details of how I live my life aren’t your business. But my happiness is.”
“And,” he waved his hands in the air, “whatever sort of thing you have with her makes you happy?”
Without hesitation. “More than you could imagine.”
He lit his cigarette and turned his head to blow out a stream of pungent smoke, his brow furrowing deeply as he thought. “It’s wrong,” he said quietly.
“What about it is so wrong? We’re not hurting anyone.”
“Christ, I’m too tired to answer stupid questions, Lauren.” He stood. “Nothing has changed. Every night on the damned evening news I see pictures of you two together, and every night I’m reminded that you chose her and some life that makes no sense at all over your own mama. ”
“We’re getting married,” she said in a rush.
“I heard,” he commented dryly. “About a million times.”
She licked her lips. “I know you don’t approve. But maybe in time you’ll change your mind. And then we—”
“What you’re doing is not getting married,” he broke in harshly. “What your mother and I had was a marriage. Not some joke cooked up by liberals from San Francisco or some other screwed-up place full of perverts and druggies.”
The fine hairs on the back of Lauren’s neck bristled.
“What you and Mama had? That is what I am supposed to aspire to? A life of denial and blame? No, thank you!”
Howard’s voice dropped to its lowest register. “You don’t know anything about what we had, little girl.” His entire body began to shake. “There was more to your mother than just her being sick.”
“And there’s more to my relationship with Devlyn than the fact that we’re both women. Please, Daddy. Please,” she whispered brokenly, her anger melting into pain. “We can at least try.”
“Try what?” His voice was flat.
She blinked several times; unsure of whether he was being sarcastic or serious. C’mon, Daddy. Please. “Things don’t have to be this hard. They don’t. We could try to be a real family,” she said, a hint of resignation in her voice. She could see that she wasn’t getting through to him. A wall had been put up between them, and every time she climbed to the top, he was there to knock her down.
For Lauren, it seemed, a true relationship with even one of her parents would always be just out of reach. “We could try to at least know, if not understand, each other, couldn’t we?” She honestly wasn’t sure anymore.
The corner of Howard’s mouth quirked upward, and the reluctant smile showed off deep creases around his eyes. “But don’t you see, darlin’? That’s the trouble. Now that your mama is gone, there isn’t anything to hold us together. You’ve never thought much of me, and to be honest, I’ve never had a single clue as to what was going on inside that pretty head of yours.” He shrugged one shoulder and swallowed hard before admitting, “We’re strangers who once lived in the same house and happen to have the same color eyes.”
Lauren recoiled at the softly spoken words, feeling as though she’d been struck in the chest with a heavy board.
“I don’t know you any more than you know me, and understanding you is way beyond what this man can handle,” he muttered numbly, trying not to think about what the words were doing to his daughter. As surely as he stood there in the setting sun, he knew what he was saying was hurtful. But in his heart of hearts, however, he truly believed that this was best for them both.
“Oh God, Daddy—”
“No,” he said firmly. “You’ve said your piece. Now let me say mine.”
Lauren’s mouth snapped shut, a reflex to her father’s command.
“I won’t pretend that I approve of the sort of madness you’re living now. I’ve tried, I swear, but it’s wrong and I can’t convince myself otherwise. You say you aren’t hurting anyone, but that’s not true.” His eyes hardened a little. “It hurts me to know I’ve done such a pitiful job of teaching you right from wrong that you don’t even understand why I’m upset now.” The tears shimmering in his eyes for several moments finally spilled over. “Stop beating a dead horse, Lauri.” He sighed loudly, tired to the bone. With a flick of his wrist, he tossed his cigarette to the ground and crushed it beneath his shoe.
