First Stop, New York (11 page)

“You,” Tanya whimpered, “want to help
me
?”

“Sure, why not?”

“Because you always call me names like Licorice Stick, and yesterday you pulled my hair and said the prop lady did it, and today you tripped me coming out of my trailer.”

“Tanya, Tanya, Tanyita,” sighed Anushka as she draped an arm around her, “these are all things we can get past. If I help you, I help
The ’Bu.
And if I help
The ’Bu
, I help us all.”

Max narrowed his eyes. “What are you up to, Anushka Peters?”

“Nothing, Max.” Anushka batted her eyes. Max almost believed her. “I think a little coaching from a seasoned professional like me could do Tanya good.”

Tanya brightened. “Oh, Anushka, seriously? I’d
totally
appreciate coaching from someone as seasoned as you. ’Cause that means you’ve lived more seasons than me, right?”

“Careful, Twizzler.”

“Are you serious about this, Anushka?” asked Max.

“Yes, Max. I just need time. I think you should call off the rest of the shoot today and let me do some intense, gloves-off coaching with Tanya.”

“Call off the—! But we’ll lose an entire day! And we’re already—! And the network—!” Max’s eyes bulged out of his head.

“Max, everyone knows how bad Tanya is right now.”

Tanya started sobbing again.

“I think desperate times call for desperate coaching.”

Max took deep breaths and thought this over. He looked around for Corliss. She’d know what to do. “Someone find Corliss! I need Corliss…”

But Corliss was nowhere in sight. Max looked at the cameraman, who was shaking his head “no.” He looked at Tanya who was shaking her head “yes.” He looked at the technicians, who were hoping Tanya’s bikini would pop off like a rubber band.

“I
promise,
Max,” said Anushka as if she meant it. “Tanya will come to the set tomorrow kicking some serious acting butt. I’ll bet my caftan-covered tuchus.”

Anushka’s Penthouse Suite, Sunset Tower Hotel—Noon, That Day

Anushka finally had Tanya exactly where she wanted her: on the ground beneath her.

“Is this right, Anushka?” Tanya asked, shifting uncomfortably, her skinny body all twisted up.

“Exactly right.”

“But why do I have to be on the floor?”

“Because in the scene Trent—I mean Travis—has just left you and you’re groveling for his love.”

Tanya wasn’t so sure. “I am?”

“Tanya, do you want me to coach you or not?”

Tanya leaped to her feet. “Oh, please, yes, I do! It’s amazing that you would offer your time. You’ve been, like, totally my idol since I first saw you on television in
Suburban Magic.
When I call my friends back in New York and tell them we’re friends, they are, like, completely blown away!”

All this praise pleased Anushka. It meant she had Tanya enthralled. Which meant she still ruled. “You’re a good student, Tanya.”

“Thanks. And I’m really glad you suggested getting
away from the beach so we could do this in private. I’m
so
self-conscious for someone who has been practically naked on the cover of
Sports Illustrated
. Do you know that edition sold more than any other this year?” Tanya jumped up and down and clapped.

Anushka ignored this.

“And I really appreciate your pulling some other costumes for me, Anushka.”

“It’s all a part of the coaching session, Tanya. Obviously, the costume designer has totally misfired with your character’s clothes.”

“And you think
this
bathing suit is more like something my character would wear?” Tanya pointed to an iridescent aquamarine one-piece thrown over a chair.

“Totally. Your character is obviously complete Valley trash. She’d have horrible taste.”

Tanya picked up the bathing suit. “It has a Sears tag. Won’t I look bad in this?”

“Tanya, a pool tarp would look hot on you.”

“Thanks,” yelped Tanya, clapping again.

“Don’t mention it,” said Anushka through her teeth. “Now let’s get back to work. First, put on the new bathing suit so you can get a deeper sense of your character.”

Tanya immediately stepped out of her clothes. Anushka scrutinized her competitor’s naked body.
Not bad.
Tanya stepped into the Sears one-piece.
Damn, this girl
would
look good in a pool tarp.

“Now lie down on the floor and say your lines.”

Tanya did as she was told. “Oh, Travis!” she screeched. “I can’t believe you like someone else more than me!”

“Great, Tanya, but screechier.”

“Seriously?”

“Trust me—screechier.”

Tanya took a breath and then screeched as loud as she could. “OH TRAVISSSSS! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIKE SOMEONE ELSE MORE THAN MEEEE!”

“Excellent. The louder you screech, the more effective it is. Also, you should make your eyes so big that your face hurts. And at the end of the line you should stick out your tongue. And the most important thing is that every word should have a different hand gesture.”

Anushka demonstrated, resembling a demented traffic cop.
“Oh, Travis! I can’t believe you like someone else more than me!”

“Wow,” said Tanya. “Are you sure? You look crazy.”

“But your character Tessa
is
crazy in this scene.”

“Huh. You’re right! God, Anushka, I’m learning so much from you.”

There was a knock at the door.

“Enter, yo!”

It was Lorenzo, the sneaky concierge. “Is everything okay, Miss Peters? I was passing by your room and I heard screeching.”

“That was Tanya acting.”

Tanya smiled and waved hi.

“Oh, I see,” said Lorenzo, looking concerned. “Carry on,” he said as he slunk away like a salamander.

“Anushka, I can’t thank you enough. Whatever you’re doing must really be working. That guy really thought someone was in horrible pain in here.”

“Someone was,” said Anushka out of the side of her mouth.

“You’re the best coach a girl could ever have.”

“Thanks, Tans. But your phone is ringing again and I’m kinda impatient with all the interruptions.”

“Sorry, Anushka,” replied Tanya nervously. “Trent makes me keep it on. He’s been so nice and he wants to take me to dinner in Venice at some place spelled A-X-E—which they pronounce
Ah-shay
. Isn’t that weird?”

Anushka watched Tanya run for her bag to answer her cell phone.

“Trent, hi! Yes, I think so.” Tanya covered the phone and asked Anushka, “Would it be okay if we stopped the coaching session now? Trent’s downstairs in his Jeep and he wanted to get some surfing in this afternoon.”

Anushka sighed and pretended to be put out. “Okay, Tanya, but it’s obvious to me I’ll have to continue coaching you throughout the entire production.”

Tanya jumped up and down at the idea. “That would be awesome! Wait till I call my friends and tell them Anushka Peters is my forever acting coach! Hey, do you want to come surfing? That would be so awesome—you, me, and Trent!”

Anushka tried to hide her disgust. Apparently Trent had never told Tanya that he and Anushka had had a disastrous date last year that involved too many Jägermeister shots, a Slurpee, and lots of Wetnaps. “No thanks, Tans. You kids go ahead. I’ll see you back at the condos tonight.”

“Okay, you’re the bestest best!” Tanya quickly kissed Anushka on the cheek and motored into the suite’s private elevator. She waved excitedly as the doors closed on her.

Anushka couldn’t believe it. Tanya had fallen for the whole thing. She rubbed her hands in glee. The coaching session had gone
exactly
as she’d hoped. Tanya was going to be a perfect disaster the next day on the set, and would no doubt be out on her skinny rump by week’s end. At that point, Max would stop calling Tanya talented and Anushka would throw off her caftan and step back into the limelight that was rightly hers.

She put these thoughts out of her head and looked out her window to the hotel drive-around below. There she saw Trent in his surfboard-stuffed Jeep, waiting for Tanya. In a flash, Tanya emerged from the hotel and pecked Trent on the cheek. She hopped into the Jeep with a giggle and tossed her hair like the carefree girl she was.

Seeing this, Anushka felt something flutter around her ribcage. Could it be jealousy? She shrugged it off and buzzed Lorenzo. “Lorenz! It’s your favorite penthouse princess calling.”

“Hello, my lovely,” came Lorenzo’s voice.

“Hey. Dontcha know the main reason I live in this overpriced fleabag is so I can order beverages? So talk to me! Is it too early for one of your legendary concoctions?”

“Well…”

“In that case, I’ll have one. And knock loud! I’m gonna be online checking out this blog about our show that everyone’s talking about.”

Malibu Beach—8:07
A.M.,
the Next Morning

As the cameras rolled and Trent stood above her, Tanya writhed in the sand like someone having an epileptic seizure. “OH TRAVISSSSS! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIKE SOMEONE ELSE MORE THAN MEEEE!” Her eyes were as big as dinner plates and she punctuated every word with a different hand gesture. At the end of her line, she stuck out her tongue like a cat coughing up a hairball.

“Cut,” whispered Max.

He dragged his manicured fingers through his hair so hard, it looked like he might lose a few follicles.

Tanya sat up and brushed the sand from herself. “So what do you think, Max?”

“I think. I am going. To kill. Anushka.” He turned to look at his assistants. “Have we found her yet?”

They shook their heads.

Rocco and JB stood by. They’d been assembled and in costume for over an hour, waiting for their star. Rocco sat
in a beach chair hunched over some esoteric novel, ignoring everyone. JB was maniacally sharpening pencils he never used. And Tanya was now picking lint out of Trent’s belly button.

“Tanya!”

“Yes, Max?”

“Stop doing whatever you’re doing with Trent’s stomach.”

“But it was icky.”

“I guess she likes a clean workspace,” said JB as he wiped pencil shavings from his board shorts.

“Has
anyone
seen Anushka?” Max said in exasperation. His assistants shrugged in unison.

Tanya stepped forward, looking a little guilty. “I saw her yesterday, Max. When I had my coaching session with her.”

“Wonderful, Tanya, but yesterday is a whole day in the past.”

Corliss ran up. Her newly highlighted hair was back in a loose ponytail and her stubborn skin had begun to absorb the sun. She was wearing another adorable sundress—and she wasn’t wearing her glasses. She hadn’t had time to pick up her contact lenses yet, and she was squinting more than a little, but she was—for the first time ever—granny glasses free. She looked almost like an entirely different person.

“Max, I’ve looked everywhere!”

“Don’t bother me, stranger.”

Corliss gave him a funny look. “But it’s me—
Corliss.
”

Max lowered his Gucci shades. “I know very well who it is. It’s just that every day you change something, Corliss. It’s becoming very confusing for me.”

Trent nudged Tanya. “Check out Corliss, rising up the babe meter.”

Corliss smiled weakly at Trent and gave a little wave.

Tanya giggled and waved back. “Hi, Corliss. Cute sundress!”

Max rubbed his temples and pulled Corliss aside. “Thank God you’re here, Corliss. I really do need to somehow keep better track of where you are at all times. I’m in great need of your psychological insight—more and more—and I imagine what you’ll say in any given situation. Even though I don’t know how to imagine you anymore because you keep changing how you look.”

“That’s very nice to hear, Max, but—”

“Please, Corliss. I need you to psychologically project yourself into wherever you think Anushka is at the moment and bring her to set immediately. You can’t imagine the heinous messages the bigwigs at the network are beginning to leave me.”

“But Max, we still haven’t had our talk and I really need to—”

“Corliss…” Max said in warning.

“Yes, Max.” With that, Corliss ran off. Her sundress flew up in the breeze behind her.

Rocco closed the book he was reading, stood up from his beach chair, and began to walk off set.

“What? Excuse me?” said Max as Rocco sauntered by. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“To find JB.”

Sure enough, JB was all of a sudden nowhere in sight.

“You’re now officially missing two actors, Max.”

“Thank you, Rocco,” said Max in the tiniest voice.
But inside, he suppressed a giant scream.

The Beach—JB’s Condo—8:31
A.M.

Rocco stood in the doorway. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He was peering down at JB, who was drenched in sweat and looking more than a little guilty. Rocco had caught him red-handed doing something really nasty at the computer.

“You’re…trading stocks?”

“Oh my God, Rocco.”

“You’re day trading, JB?”

“You can’t tell anyone.”

“JB, that’s really risky.”

“It would be if I could stop. But I…just…can’t.”

Rocco could see JB was serious—for once in his life. He moved to his friend’s side and pulled up a chair. “You mean it’s not an innocent hobby?”

JB shook his head sadly.

“You mean it’s an addiction?”

JB nodded vigorously. “It’s so exciting! Buying and selling really fast. I can’t stop, Rocs.”

“You mean that you just wandered off set right now to go online and buy and sell stocks in the hopes of turning a quick profit?”

JB nodded so hard he made his chair rattle.

“You mean that whacked-out little personality of yours conceals a darker side that no one sees?”

JB looked straight into Rocco’s eyes. “Yup. And that’s not the worst part.”

“There’s more?”

Rocco was fascinated by this turn of events. He loved when people’s hidden sides surfaced. “It’s okay, little buddy. I’m a man of the world, of literature. I may look like some unfeeling physique model, but I understand the soul in its darkest hour.”

“Thanks, Rocs. The thing is,” said JB, trying to gather the courage, “I use my mother’s credit card. To buy the stocks. But she doesn’t know it because I always intercept the bill! I pay enough of it every month to keep the credit people from calling, but it’s getting a little tougher because—because—”