First Time in Forever (22 page)

“Think what you’d be able to do with a whole night off.” Lisa grinned at her. “Adult company. Sleeping in.”

“I have to go.” Trying not to think of what he’d do with Emily if he had her in his bed for a night, Ryan stood up. “I need to work late to make sure you’re not going to put me out of business.”

Lisa laughed and walked him to the door.

*

“I
T
’
S
A
CRIME
that a man with a body like that should be allowed to wear clothes.” Lisa sat back down at the table. “That’s the worst thing about being a widow. No sex. Actually, it’s not the worst thing. The worst thing are the rules you don’t even know exist.”

Emily slid her laptop back into her bag. Having Ryan there had seriously disturbed her concentration. “Rules?”

“I call them Rules for Widows. Society has unwritten rules about when it’s decent to start seeing other men. The problem is that none of those rules take into account the quality of the relationship.”

“You were unhappy?”

Lisa stood up and walked to the bottom of the stairs, checking there was no sound from the bedroom. Then she closed the kitchen door carefully so there was no chance they could be overheard. “Miserable. My husband had three affairs that I know about, one when I was pregnant with the twins. There were plenty of times when I could have killed the bastard myself, so it makes no sense that I got lumbered with all this guilt when he died. Why should I feel guilty? I want to smack it out of myself.”

“Oh, Lisa—”

“Hey, life doesn’t always send us what we want, as we both know.”

A month ago Emily would have agreed wholeheartedly. Now she didn’t even know what she wanted. The feeling of panic that had been her constant companion when she’d first arrived had receded to manageable levels. She and Lizzy had found an easy rhythm that was unexpected. But most unexpected of all was how much she enjoyed her swimming lessons with Ryan. Not just being with him, but the actual swimming. It gave her a feeling of strength to have overcome a fear that had been part of her life for so long.

“Why did you choose Puffin Island?”

“Because it had happy memories for me.” A dreamy look crossed Lisa’s face. “My parents brought me every summer. Dad was a marine biologist, and he worked at the university, so we used to come for the whole vacation. We hired a cottage near South Beach and did all the usual beach-based things. Poking around in tide pools, kayaking—I loved it. I spent a couple of summers at Camp Puffin, but the happiest one was when I turned seventeen.”

“You met someone?”

“Took me five minutes to fall in love.” She reached for her wine. “Do you remember that exciting feeling of discovering your own sexuality as a teenager?”

For Emily, it hadn’t happened as a teenager, it had happened a few weeks before when she’d first met Ryan. And the discovery process was ongoing. She was beginning to think she didn’t know herself at all. “What happened?”

“I met him a week before we were due to go back to Boston. Something clicked between us. I’d never met anyone I could talk to the way I could talk to him. We spent every moment together.” Lisa gave a humorless laugh. “I often wonder if that’s been the root of my problems. That one perfect week ruined me for anything afterward.”

“You didn’t stay in touch?”

“I tried. I sent him emails, but they bounced so I guess he gave me an email that didn’t work.” Lisa shrugged. “I thought about him all the time, but then I met Mike. I’ve often wondered if it was my fault he had all those affairs. Because I was too closed off. My heart hurt, and I didn’t want it to hurt again. Does that make any sense?”

Emily thought about the way she’d protected herself after her sister had died. “Perfect sense.”

“Maybe Mike knew there was a tiny part of me I kept from him.”

“Or maybe that had nothing to do with it. Did you think about leaving him?”

“All the time, but I didn’t want my babies to grow up without a father, and he was a good dad. If he’d been a terrible father I could have left for their sakes, but leaving for my own sake felt like the ultimate in selfishness.”

“Is it selfish to want a good life for yourself?”

“He was with one of his lovers when he died.” Lisa blurted the words out. “They had to cut both of them out of the car. I’m worried that one day the kids will look up the press coverage and find out the truth.”

“Oh, Lisa—” Emily reached across and took her hand.

“I just want to protect my babies.” Lisa’s eyes filled, and she groped for a tissue. “I want to stop anything bad happening to them. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

Emily’s mouth was dry as sand. “Why is it ridiculous?”

“Because you can’t control everything. It took me a long time to see that and realize there wasn’t anything I could have done. I couldn’t stop their father having an affair. I couldn’t stop him dying with his latest girlfriend in the car. I couldn’t stop the press finding out. All I could do was teach them to cope with whatever life threw at them. That’s the best lesson of all, isn’t it? I wanted to make sure they grew up strong and able to look after themselves. I didn’t want to fill their heads with my baggage because, life being what it is, I knew they’d probably pick up plenty of their own.”

“Don’t talk to me about baggage.” Emily sat back in her chair. “I suspect Lizzy and I could fill a cargo plane with no space left over.”

“But you have skills. You’re supporting yourself and Lizzy. I brought the twins here because I thought hard work and a dream would be enough. I wanted to get away from the sympathy and the pitying looks and live in a place where people didn’t know my rat bastard cheating husband had died in a car with his skinny lover.” She sniffed. “I wanted to show the twins I was strong, but all I’ve done is show them I have bad judgment. I’ve failed.”

“What you’ve shown them is that you’re not afraid to go after what you want. And if it doesn’t work out, then you’ll find a way to pick yourself up, and that’s a good lesson for any child because life is about falling and then getting up again. But it’s going to work out. You’re not going to fall. Not this time.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.” Now that she knew the full story, she was even more determined to do what she could, even if she had to eat all the ice cream herself. “Providing Doug drops the rent and we can reduce some of your other costs, you’ll make enough to keep going. But we’re aiming for better than that. The boy you met that summer—you haven’t seen him since you’ve been back on the island?”

Lisa shook her head. “No. And he isn’t a boy now. Late twenties, I guess.”

“What did he look like?”

“Tall and dark. A bit like Ryan. He likes you, by the way.”

“Ryan?” Emily didn’t think “like” described what was going on between them. “He was Brittany’s best man. He’s keeping an eye on me because she threatened to kill him if he doesn’t.”

Lisa laughed. “Somehow I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. Are you interested?”

Emily thought about the slow kisses and the wild heat.

She was interested. And scared. The greater the emotion, the greater the capacity for hurt, and she knew this relationship could go nowhere.

“I have Lizzy. That’s more than enough to adjust to for now. And children are the perfect contraception.”

“True. On the other hand I might be able to help with that. Would you trust me with Lizzy?”

“I have trusted you with Lizzy. She’s sleeping upstairs with your kids.”

“I mean overnight. I swear if a photographer knocks on the door, I’ll kill him with my bare hands. Even if I didn’t already hate them after everything they printed about Mike’s accident, I wouldn’t let anything happen to Lizzy. I already love her.”

“I trust you, Lisa. It isn’t you, it’s me. I have a problem with letting go.” Over a glass of wine, she’d told Lisa the truth about Lizzy’s identity, but she hadn’t shared the story about Katy. “I want to be there the whole time to protect her.”

“Are you really worried the photographers will come here?”

“Every day that passes makes it less likely. Ryan thinks the trail will have gone cold. That they’ve lost interest.”

“So leave her with me,” Lisa urged. “Go on a date. Have a night of wild sex. Believe me, if that is ever an option for me, I’ll be dropping the twins with you!”

A wild night of sex.

Was she the only person in the world for whom sex had never been wild?

Feeling inadequate, Emily shook her head. “That isn’t going to happen.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

T
WO
DAYS
LATER
Ryan was on his way to deal with a problem at the marina when he saw Emily walking hand in hand with Lizzy toward the section of the harbor reserved for the boat tours. The child was talking nonstop, and Emily was listening attentively, occasionally nodding and interjecting.

He compared it to the first day when she’d sat in the Ocean Club staring at Lizzy as if she were a bomb that might detonate at any moment.

Instead of using the path down to the marina, Ryan diverted and joined them on the waterfront. “Taking a trip?”

“Yes.” Lizzy was so excited she was almost dancing. “We’re going on the boat. I swam on my own yesterday for the first time, and now Emily is taking me to see the puffins before they fly away for the winter.”

It was impossible not to respond to that excitement. Also impossible not to wonder how much of a treat it would be for Emily.

“Sounds like fun.” He cast a look at Emily and saw shades of pale under the bright smile. It was her skin color that made up his mind. “Why don’t I take you myself?”

Emily shook her head. “That’s not necessary. I know you’re busy.”

Ryan thought about the meeting he had scheduled with the multimillionaire yacht owner who wanted to negotiate the fee for using the Ocean Club facilities. He’d been looking forward to the cut and thrust of a negotiation that would end in him taking a generous chunk of the guy’s money, but the anticipation was clouded by the thought of what might happen if Emily had a panic attack while Doug was in the middle of the bay. “Doug crams as many people on the boat as he can to make money. Sometimes the kids can’t even see properly. You’d be more comfortable with me.”

“There isn’t—”

“I want to go with Ryan! Please?” Lizzy was visibly excited at the proposed change of plan, and Ryan drew Emily aside. He breathed in the scent of blossoms and lemons and wondered why he was doing this to himself.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“A boat trip? Yes. I promised.”

And she would never break a promise, he knew that.

“Then let me take you.”

“No, but thank you for offering.”

“Are you refusing because of what happened in the pool?”

Her gaze skidded to his and away again. “I’m refusing because this is a child-centered day, and you have better things to do with your time.”

He certainly had other things to do with his time. Whether they were better or not, he wasn’t sure. “I can manage one boat trip, Emily. I’ll make sure you’re both safe, and you can wear life jackets the whole time. You’ll be happier, I promise.” He saw her gaze flicker to the tourist boat where Doug was taking money from people as they boarded. The boat was filling up, and he knew that it was going to be at full capacity. “With me, if you discover you hate it, or if she hates it, we can turn around any time and come back to the harbor. You can’t do that with Doug.”

“I thought you sailed a flashy racing boat.”

“I do, but I’ll borrow Alec’s sloop. It’s a traditional wooden boat. You’ll love it.”

Her expression told him she didn’t think there was anything to love about boats. “Lizzy isn’t too young for that type of boat?”

“I took Rachel sailing for the first time when she was four. Spent a whole summer teaching her knots. Bowlines, hitches, figure of eights. By the time she was eight she was sailing a Sunfish by herself.”

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“It’s a dinghy. It has a habit of capsizing.” Remembering made him smile and then he saw she’d turned green. “Alec’s boat is stable.”

“It doesn’t need a crew to sail it?”

“I can sail it alone. And I’d be happy to take a couple of passengers.” He saw her glance from Lizzy to the now heaving boat in the harbor.

“Well—if you’re sure. Thank you.”

Ryan glanced at his watch. “Can you give me an hour? I’ll meet you at the marina.” He figured that would give him time to part the multimillionaire from enough of his cash to ensure the Ocean Club had a good summer.

*

A
N
HOUR
LATER
Emily stood nervously at the marina, listening to the clink and creak of masts and the shriek of seagulls.

Was she crazy?

Learning to swim had given her a confidence boost, but not for a moment did she kid herself that swimming in a calm pool under Ryan’s watchful gaze would be anything like swimming in the choppy waters of Penobscot Bay. If Lizzy fell overboard, she doubted her ability to save her.

The only thing stopping her from backing out was the knowledge that this was her problem, not Lizzy’s.

Emily had spoken to the grief counselor regularly and been advised that outdoor activities were to be encouraged. Since Lizzy had started her swimming lessons with Rachel, there had been no more bad dreams, and she was sleeping in her own bed.

“There’s Ryan! And he brought Cocoa.” She sprinted toward him before Emily could stop her.

“Lizzy!” Her heart rate doubled, but she saw Ryan lengthen his stride and scoop the child into the safety of his arms.

“No running by the water. You might fall.”

“Yes, Captain Ryan.” Lizzy was grinning and wriggling like a fish in a net. As soon as Ryan put her down, Cocoa was in her arms.

Emily watched as dog and child greeted each other with mutual adoration. “The dog has her own life jacket?”

“Everyone does. Let’s start with Lizzy.” Once Lizzy was wearing a life jacket, he turned to Emily. “You’re going to wear this the whole time, and if you don’t feel safe or you want me to turn back, tell me.” He secured the jacket with strong, sure hands, and she thought to herself that feeling safe had more to do with the way he made her feel than a flotation device.

“If Lizzy falls in—”

“She’s not going to fall in.” His hands were firm on her waist, his gaze holding hers. “Do you trust me?”

It was hard to focus on anything when he was standing this close to her. She dropped her gaze, but that move gave her an eyeful of his chest and biceps.

“Yes, but even you can’t control the sea.”

“But I can ensure Lizzy’s safety.” He tightened the life jacket “And yours.”

“You have to sail the boat, and if she falls in—”

“No one is going to fall in. Unless you’re planning on stripping down to that red swimsuit, in which case it will be a case of man overboard, and you’ll be rescuing me.” Beneath the mild humor, she heard male appreciation and felt her stomach drop.

He was the only man who had ever made her feel this way, and she had no idea how to handle her feelings.

He whistled to Cocoa who clearly recognized it as some sort of signal because she wagged her tail enthusiastically and sprang onto the boat.

Next he scooped up Lizzy and put her safely on the deck with instructions to sit down and not move until he told her what to do, and finally he held out his hand to Emily.

The rise and fall of the boat mirrored the feeling in her stomach. “I could have spent the afternoon painting or making jewelry.”

“Which would have been a thousand times more boring than going to see seals and puffins.” Letting go of her hand, Ryan picked up a short length of rope from a bag he’d put on the deck.

“We’re going to see puffins!” Lizzy was finding it hard to keep her bottom on the seat.

“Yes, but first you’re going to learn to tie a knot, because all good sailors learn knots.” He squatted down in front of the child with the rope in his hands. “Watch closely. First you make a rabbit hole—“ he formed a loop with the rope “—out comes the rabbit, around the tree, back down the hole.” He showed her again and then handed the length of rope to Lizzy, who copied it perfectly.

“Like that?”

“Great job.” He stood up. “Keep practicing.”

He maneuvered the boat skillfully out of the marina, guided it through the markers and out into the bay. He stood easily on the deck, loose-limbed and relaxed as he absorbed the rise and fall of the boat. As they left the sheltered harbor of the island, Emily felt the wind pick up and gripped the seat, but there was something undeniably magical about being out on the water with the sunlight dancing over the surface of the sea.

She decided that if he was relaxed, then maybe she could be, too. She forced the tension from her muscles and took a few breaths.

Ryan pointed the boat into the wind, and it rocked gently while he hauled up the sails, first one, then another. Then he returned to the wheel, adjusted the angle and worked the lines until the wind filled the sails, and the boat seemed to come alive in the water. And then they were moving, skimming the surface of the water at a speed that took her breath away. It felt like flying, and Emily felt a sharp stab of anxiety. Then he turned his head and shot her a smile, and anxiety gave way to exhilaration. The wind whipped at her hair, and the spray of the sea showered her skin, and in that brief moment she understood why so many considered sailing to be the ultimate adventure. There was a rhythm to it that she hadn’t expected, a beauty to the curve of the sails and the gleam of sunshine on the polished wooden deck.

Ryan stood at the wheel, legs apart and braced against the rise and fall of the boat as he judged tide and wind. He sailed along the rocky coast of Puffin Island, past the lighthouse that guarded the rocks by Shipwreck Cove, and across the inlet. They saw large houses tucked along the shoreline, children exploring the mysteries of the tide pools. From here she could see where the forest touched the sea and rocky outcrops that provided home to a variety of nesting seabirds.

It was a clear day, with not a hint of the fog that had a habit of shrouding the sea in the summer months.

As they sailed away from the island toward Puffin Rock he pointed out Castaway Cottage and Shell Bay.

He allowed Lizzy to steer the boat, an offer that resurrected Emily’s anxiety until she saw him put the little girl between himself and the wheel and cover her hands with his.

They dropped anchor in a little cove, and Ryan pointed out a seal pup and its mother lying on a sunny ledge.

“Take a look at the puffins.” He helped Lizzy adjust binoculars. “Puffins only come on land when they’re breeding.”

“They live on the sea?”

“Yes. They’re skilled divers, and, here’s the coolest thing of all—” he crouched down behind her, helping her focus in the right place “—when they’re flying, they beat their wings up to four hundred times a minute and reach speeds of around fifty miles an hour.”

“How do you know?”

“Because biologists study them.” Ryan took the binoculars from her, and Lizzy peered over the side of the boat.

“My mom said I should be an actor or a ballerina, but I think I might want to be a biologist or the captain of a boat and do this every day. Can women be captains?”

“Women can be anything they want to be.” Ryan handed the binoculars back to her, and Emily thought again that for a man who didn’t want the responsibility of children, he was remarkably good with them.

Ryan opened the cooler, and they ate a picnic of delicious sandwiches he’d ordered from the kitchen of the Ocean Club, and then sailed the boat farther out into the bay before giving both of them a brief lesson on tacking.

It made her happy to see how much Lizzy was enjoying herself. She was swift and nimble in the boat and a fast learner.

Emily found it more exciting than she would ever have imagined. It was impossible to picture anything bad happening while Ryan was in charge, so she closed her eyes and enjoyed the feel of spray on her face, the warmth of the sun and the smell of the sea. By the time they arrived back at the marina, she’d decided that maybe, just maybe, she didn’t want to move to Wyoming.

Ryan sprang off the boat, secured it and then reached for Lizzy. “How does pizza sound?”

“I’m going for a sleepover.”

“It’s the twins’ birthday,” Emily explained as he glanced at her in surprise, “and she really wanted to.” And she was trying hard not to show how nervous she was about it. One of the hardest things about parenthood, she was discovering, was not transferring her own hang-ups to Lizzy.

“You’re not meant to call them ‘the twins.’” Lizzy grabbed Cocoa. “They’re separate people.”

“You’re right. Thank you for reminding me. It’s just that ‘twins’ is so much quicker to say than ‘Summer and Harry.’”

“We’re going to eat pizza, birthday cake and then watch a movie in our pajamas.”

“Sounds like a perfect evening.” Ryan strolled across to Emily and took her hand as she stepped off the boat. “So, you’re on your own tonight.” The way he said it made her heart beat faster.

“Yes.”

“Have dinner with me.” He spoke quietly, checking that Lizzy was still occupied with Cocoa. “I’ll book a table at The Galleon. Fine dining. Candles. Lobster. Adult company.”

The invitation took her breath away.

The three years she’d spent with Neil hadn’t prepared her for the intensity of feelings, and she wasn’t naive enough to think that an evening with Ryan would end with dinner.

“You wouldn’t be able to get a table at this short notice in the summer.”

“Are you looking for an excuse to say no?”

“No, but people book months in advance, the moment they know they’re coming on holiday.”

He simply smiled. “So, is that a yes?”

“I’m covered in sea spray and I’m a mess.”

His gaze traveled slowly from her hair to her mouth. “Option one,” he murmured, “is for you to shower at my place.”

Her breath caught in her throat. “Ryan—”

“Option two is that you go back to the cottage and change.”

“Or there’s option three,” she croaked, “which is that I stay home alone.”

His eyes were hooded. “I didn’t give you an option three.”

They’d reached a crossroads. A point where a decision had to be made.

Feeling as if she were plunging into the deep end of the swimming pool, she took a deep breath. “I’ll take option two.”

As she dropped Lizzy off with Lisa and the twins, she felt like a teenager on her first date, and the nerves increased as she drove back to the cottage to shower and change. By the time she walked up the steps to Ryan’s apartment, she felt slightly sick, and the feeling intensified as he opened the door.