Following Your Heart (21 page)

Susan walked over to the dresser, pulled open the drawer, and dug under the clothes. She picked up her driver's license and stared at the picture. Her hair had been done up in a high knot, unadorned with the usual white
kapp
. Her
mamm
and
daett
would pass out if they knew Susan even obtained a license, much less kept it around. But what did they expect? That she had behaved herself perfectly as an Amish woman while living among the
Englisha?

Mamm
had to know she hadn't, and so did
Daett
. They both knew, and that was the problem with so much of what was going on. Everyone knew, but no one was talking. Susan sighed. This might be the Amish way, but it didn't mean she had to cooperate. That much she had learned from her time with the
Englisha
. She could do what she thought was right. Talking with Teresa about leaving would be the first step. The idea might still be a little too much for her friend, but Teresa simply had to have some sense talked into her head.

Slipping the driver's license back under the clothes, Susan closed the drawer and then walked across the hall. She knocked on Teresa's bedroom door.

“Come in,” the soft answer came.

Teresa was tending to Samuel when Susan entered.

“I thought it was you,” Teresa said. “I'm almost done feeding Samuel. Then I think it's time to start supper, isn't it?”

“
Yah
,” Susan said. “But you've worked hard enough today with the wash and the housecleaning. You should let
Mamm
and me take care of supper.”

“I wouldn't think of it,” Teresa said. “I'm enjoying every minute of this and wouldn't trade it for the world.”

“Aren't you ever going to get tired of this, Teresa?” Susan asked. “I'm tired by the evenings, and I'm used to this work. And you're studying German on top of it all.”

“But it's
a gut shvacheit
,” Teresa said, her smile spreading across her face. “Did I say that right?
A good weakness?
”

“Just like one of us!” Susan sat down on the bed beside her.

“So why are you so dark-looking?” Teresa asked.

“I'm thinking about you…about us, I guess,” Susan said. “Teresa, I think we should leave.”

“Leave?” Teresa gaped at her. “Why in the world are you thinking of something like that? That would be absolutely awful. You're just letting dark thoughts float around in your head, Susan. Throw them out.”

“Maybe I am,” Susan protested. “But don't you realize what lies ahead? Marriage to an old man like Yost Byler. Do you know what that means? You'll have to live with him, not with us. And it won't be the same. His house is a wreck, and you'll have to deal with that every day. And his bed, Teresa. Have you thought about that? He's never been married before. If he had, that might be a little different.”

Teresa laughed. “You make it sound as if I will die shortly after arriving at his house.”

“Well, it feels like that sometimes,” Susan said. “Doesn't it bother you?”

Teresa sobered. “It does sometimes,” she said. “I'm not going to lie about it. There are times I lie awake at night wondering how I've gotten myself into this situation. And I wonder if my heart is leading me correctly. Then I look over to where Samuel is sleeping, and I know I'm doing the right thing.”

Susan sighed. “Think of really living with him, Teresa. The reality of it.”

“I have thought of that, Susan,” Teresa said, looking at Samuel. “But you're forgetting that I have been with a man. I know things that you don't. Believe me, Susan, I'm sure Yost is a decent man under all that grime and dirt you claim is at his house. And the place will clean up and his clothing will wash. He's what I deserve, Susan. I'll be content with that. I have to be.”

“I can't believe you're saying this, Teresa,” Susan objected. “You don't have to just be content. You deserve to be
happy
—and that means marrying a man you love.”

“I will love him,” Teresa said, touching Susan's arm. “I will love him in my mind, and someday I'll make him a
gut
wife. Yost will be a better man for it. I know that because I don't think God would deny me that since I'm asking for Samuel and not for myself.”

“I think you're wrong-headed and thinking in circles,” Susan said. “Yost Byler is an awful man. And it will take more than you to change him.”

“I don't agree about the awfulness,” Teresa said. “But
God
will change him if he needs changing. It will be my job to love him.”

Susan gasped, standing to pace the floor. “You're talking like
Mamm
now—when she speaks to me of Thomas.”

Teresa laughed. “You and Thomas are another matter. I think you ought to make up with him. And why are you even thinking of leaving again? You should burn that driver's license you have hidden in the bottom of your drawer.”

Susan stopped her pacing.

“Why do you remember about the driver's license?” she asked.

“You told me earlier you still had it,” Teresa said, “and isn't a dresser where all Amish girls hide things?”

“I hope
Mamm
doesn't think like you do,” Susan said, smiling just a little as she resumed her pacing.

“I'm sure she does, Susan. But I think she's giving you space to work through these things on your own. You ought to help her. Why aren't you joining me for the baptismal class coming up next Sunday?”

“I can't,” Susan said.

“Even if that Thomas of yours joins?” Teresa asked.

Susan stopped and stared at her.

“How do you know he's joining the class?”

Teresa shrugged. “Whispers here and there. The girls don't think I can understand German yet, and I guess I don't a lot, but they use enough English words so I can follow along. That Eunice girl thinks Thomas is joining, and she also has plans.”

Susan laughed. “Then you can forget about me even thinking about joining.”

“So what did Thomas really do to you that has you so upset?” Teresa asked.

Susan didn't take long to answer. “He broke my heart. He betrayed my trust. He shattered my dreams. Shall I go on?”

“Then why don't I see little pieces of your broken heart lying around on the ground? Susan, you're getting along quite fine. And you didn't hold back from considering love out there in my world. Let's see, what was his name? Duane Moran?”

“That was different,” Susan allowed. “Duane was just someone I met. Here I had plans to marry Thomas since our school days.”

“People seem to make a lot of plans around here,” Teresa said. “Is that what was broken, Susan? Your plans instead of your heart?”

“That's not a nice thing to say, Teresa,” Susan remarked. “And I did love the boy. He was the cutest thing in eighth grade, a charmer right down to his bare toes. Thomas could smile at the blackboard and make my heart beat faster. So you can imagine what he did to it when he really smiled at me. I often dreamed of our little farmhouse sitting on top of a hill, where we would love each other forever and ever and never leave. It seemed so real, Teresa. And his affections felt like they could never be broken. Then
bam!
They were. Just like that. I caught him outside the hymn-singing house one night, laughing and talking with Eunice. Those smiles he gave me were all over his face—giving
her
what I thought he was only giving me. And then there was the kiss. That did it for me.”

“That
is
a sad tale,” Teresa agreed. “And I'm sorry for accusing you.”

Susan came over in the silence that followed and sat beside Teresa, taking her hand. “And I'm sorry for carrying on about my own troubles. They must seem like nothing compared to what you've been through. And don't try to deny it because I was there. I saw the place you lived in. I saw the area. All that trash in your yard. It's a wonder you don't still have nightmares.”

“It's okay.” Teresa wiped her eyes. “The trash in my life wasn't the worst thing. But at least you understand. I'm so glad you were there to see why I'm acting the way I am.”

“I'm still not sure I understand totally,” Susan allowed. “Still, you don't have to go back to that life. We could stay with Laura.”

“And what would I do with Samuel?” Teresa asked, sitting straight up. “Do you know what my world holds for him, Susan? Even in Laura's world I'd have to hold down a job. Samuel would be in daycare somewhere. Other people would be taking care of him instead of me. Then how would he turn out? Would Samuel drift toward the life I used to know? He would, Susan. I know he would. All my prayers wouldn't keep him away from that evil. And all because I would have decided that I wanted life a little easier for myself. No, Susan. I'll take Yost Byler any day rather than see my son grow up like that.”

“Okay.” Susan touched Teresa's arm. “I wouldn't want you to do something you think isn't right.”

“I'm just sorry for your sake,” Teresa replied, wiping her eyes again.

“Why should you be sorry for me?” Susan asked.

“Because I'm keeping you here,” Teresa said. “That's why. You never would have come back in the first place if it hadn't been for me.”

“I don't know about that,” Susan said. “I would have come back sometime. Eventually.”

“Then don't leave now, Susan,” Teresa pleaded. “Stay with me. And your
mamm
and
daett
need you more than I do.”

“I'm not going to leave,” Susan said. “I just have dark thoughts sometimes. Maybe you're doing me more
gut
than you think. What if you end up helping me to stay?”

Teresa laughed. “I don't know about that. But either way, I think I'll hurry up and get baptized.”

“You know that your wedding day will be right afterward?” Susan asked.

Teresa picked up baby Samuel. “I haven't forgotten. I'll be okay. The Lord will be with me.”

“I suppose you know that Yost will be by to talk with you—once you start instruction class,” Susan said.

“Has he told your dad this?” Teresa asked.

“No, it's just my educated guess,” Susan said. “The two of you will have to make some kind of plans.”

“There's not a whole lot of plans to make,” Teresa said, laying baby Samuel on the bed. “We get to our feet after I'm baptized, join our hands, and say ‘I do.'”

“Mostly you say
yah
to the bishop's questions,” Susan said. “And then you're married.”

Mamm
's voice interrupted them, calling up the stairs, “Are you helping with supper, Susan?
Daett
will be in soon.”

“I'm coming,” Susan hollered toward the bedroom door.

“I'm coming with you,” Teresa said, picking up Samuel. She followed Susan out the door. At the bottom of the stairs in the living room, Teresa placed Samuel in the crib by the stove before joining Susan in the kitchen.

“Teresa, you don't have to help tonight,”
Mamm
said. “You worked hard enough around here today already.”

“That's what Susan told me,” Teresa admitted. “But I want to help.”

“Well, we'll try not to work you to death,”
Mamm
said, laughing. “And if you need more encouragement, I think you're doing really well with your German studies. Your accent is getting
gut
. Soon no one will tell you from a real Amish woman.”

“I tried a few words out a while ago.” Teresa beamed. “And I think Susan almost thought I was Amish!”

“She's already picking up conversations among the girls,” Susan said. “Maybe I ought to tell everyone to be careful.”

“I'd let them find out on their own,”
Mamm
said. “It will teach them to be careful about what they say. Which is a
gut
lesson for all of us.”

“I've definitely decided to join the instruction class,” Teresa said. “Is that still okay with you and Menno?”

“We have no objections,”
Mamm
said. “But are you sure about the marriage with Yost Byler? I hope you understand enough about our ways to know that the ministers are serious about the agreement.”

“I understand,” Teresa acknowledged, busying herself with setting the table.

“I still think it's wrong,” Susan muttered.

“It doesn't matter what
we
think,”
Mamm
said. “Are you planning to join the class, Susan?”

“I don't think so,
Mamm
,” Susan said. “I don't think I can yet.”

“I wish you would consider it,”
Mamm
said. “This would be a
gut
time to do it, with Teresa going. And I heard that Thomas is also joining. It would make both of our old days so much easier to see you settled in the faith, Susan.”