For Better or Worse (Book 2 in the Forgiving Hearts Trilogy) (16 page)

“Maybe you should go to bed. This has been an exhausting day for you.”

“I’m okay, Jackson. Really.” She pointed to the books on the coffee table. “Someone likes to read mysteries.”

Jackson laughed. “My dad introduced me to the Hardy Boys, and it took off from there.”

“You promised me another story. It’s been two days since I had one.”

“Before I get started, can I get you anything?”

“No, thank you.”

He sat down and stretched out his legs. “My last letter was about you sharing a peanut butter sandwich with me. Anyone willing to give up their food was worthy of my deepest regard. I had also shown that I could, in certain circumstances, speak in your presence. Unfortunately for my newfound courage, you were transferred to another classroom, and I didn’t see you as often.

“A few years later, our school sponsored a skate night at the local rink. I didn’t want to go because I thought skating was lame. My father promised me a camping trip if I would agree to take my younger sister Molly. What I didn’t realize until after I arrived was that Molly didn’t know how to skate.

“In my mind, there was nothing worse than being seen by everyone skating with my six-year-old sister. And it wasn’t as if we could blend in; we were moving so slowly, it was impossible not to notice us. The only time I could get Molly off the floor was when they had the couples’ only skates. The lights would dim, and they turned on one of those silver balls that sent out colored lights all over the floor and walls. To further set the romantic mood, they played the latest love songs. I’d never seen anything like it.

“During one of those breaks when I sat in a corner with Molly trying to hide from my friends, I noticed a familiar profile. You were in the middle of the rink with a boy I didn’t recognize. He had his hands on your waist and your arms were around his neck. I couldn’t take my eyes off you or him. Suddenly, skating didn’t seem lame at all. For the first time in my life, I felt the pangs of jealousy. I wanted so badly to be the one out there with you.

“Unfortunately, I couldn’t do anything about it. My parents had told me to watch Molly. How could I do that if I was out on the floor staring into your eyes? I fumed and fussed, but in the end, I knew I wasn’t going to be skating with anyone but my sister.

“There was, however, one bright spot in the evening. During one of those endless love songs, the boy you’d skated with all night missed his footing and fell down. I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt bad about it later because I knew in my heart my problem wasn’t with him. I was upset with myself for getting worked up over a girl. Little did I realize how many more times
that
was going to happen.”

Hannah reached over and touched his arm. “I’m growing impatient with my younger self. When did I finally wake up and fall in love with you?”

How did he answer that?
He put his hand over hers. “That’s a story for another time.”

She sighed gently. “It must be tedious having to tell your wife her entire life story. In some ways, this is so much worse for you. You know what we had and can regret the loss of our relationship more keenly.”

He also knew what they hadn’t had.
“Don’t worry about that, Hannah. Everything will become clearer in time. If you don’t mind me leaving you for a minute, I’ll go get the mail and then I think we’ll be ready for dinner.”

As he walked back into the house, he saw Hannah disappear through the back door. Curiosity took him to the window. He watched as the woman he never expected to see again got reacquainted with the dog that still went to the door of her room every night and whined. Not wanting to intrude, he opened the freezer and removed a container of chili he’d made earlier in the week. By the time Hannah joined him, the table was set and he was pouring iced tea into glasses.

“Hmm. Something smells good.”

“It’s my version of the Steadman family chili. Have a seat.”

Jackson placed a bowl in front of her and went to get the shredded cheese out of the refrigerator. “Do you want crackers?” he asked.

“Sure, why not?”

After he sat down, he bowed his head and prayed. “Father, thank You for the meal You’ve provided and for the wonderful blessing of having Hannah back in this house. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

She reached for her glass and then looked at him. “Freya. The dog’s name is Freya.”

Jackson carefully swallowed the cracker in his mouth and tried not to overreact to her comment. “You’re right.”

Hannah played with the napkin on her lap. “I don’t know why I can remember that, but can’t remember living here.”

Probably because she hadn’t lived here in a long time.
“Don’t dwell on that; think of this process as taking baby steps.”

After a few minutes of silence, he looked up to find her watching him. She quickly dropped her eyes to her food, a blush entering her face. A twinge of guilt ran through him. This was so unfair to her. The longer he stayed silent, the more difficult it would be for her to hear the truth.

“This chili is delicious,” she said in a low voice.

He smiled, hoping to put her at ease. “Thank you. I had to tone down the recipe when Sophia came along. She doesn’t like spicy food.”

“You certainly know your way around the kitchen. It’s strange; I know I can cook, but I can’t remember doing it. Did you do most of the cooking?”

Another difficult question.
“Not really; it was about fifty-fifty, I guess.”

“What do you do, Jackson? As a profession, I mean?”

“I’m a physical therapist at Hollis Clinic. Colton works there, too.”

“I like Laurel and Dr. Samuels. They’ve been so nice to me.”

Jackson stood up and took his bowl to the sink. This was so much harder than he imagined, and it wasn’t helping that he couldn’t relax. He could hear her moving around behind him as he loaded the dishwasher. When he couldn’t stand it any longer, he turned around to see what had captured her attention.

Hannah was looking at the pictures on the refrigerator. Most of them were of Sophia in various stages of childhood. The others were of family members and the children of friends. There were also a few of Hannah and Sophia taken before she left.

When he saw her wiping her eyes, he felt all the air leave his lungs.
How was he going to tell her that everything she was thinking was a lie?
She was waiting for a romantic tale of two friends falling in love, but had no idea how little Jackson figured in that story.

* * * *

Hannah lay in bed watching a beam of moonlight slowly make its way across the ceiling. She was tired, but sleep had been strangely elusive. Why was she so restless? She should be relieved that Jackson seemed to understand she needed time to get used to him and didn’t expect her to jump in bed with him. On the other hand, she was surprised to find herself sleeping alone.
Didn’t he want to be with her? Or was he finding this situation as peculiar as she was?

Throwing off the duvet, she turned on the light and slipped out of bed. After a few seconds of indecision, she walked over to the closet and opened the sliding doors. She ran her hand over the assortment of clothes. The sheer number of items blew her mind. Did one woman need this many clothes? Some of them still had the tags attached.

The absence of Jackson’s clothes puzzled her. Why had he moved
all
of his things out of the room? Was it because he wanted to make her feel more at ease? Another thought slipped unbidden into her mind.
Had they been having problems before her accident?

With a tired sigh, Hannah sank down on the bed and pressed fingers to her throbbing temples. She couldn’t get rid of the feeling that all wasn’t as it seemed. The same light-headed feeling that seized her earlier settled on her again. She fell back against the pillows and closed her eyes. Pictures of unknown places flashed through her tired brain.

As quickly as the visions materialized, they vanished, leaving her covered in perspiration. Over the pounding of her heart, she heard Jackson calling to her. She got up and opened the door.

“I saw your light on. Is anything wrong?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” When she realized he was still dressed, she asked, “Haven’t you been to bed?”

“Not yet. I was reading in the living room.”

She wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep.

“You need to get back in bed, Hannah. You shouldn’t be walking around in that thin gown.” As if to prove his words, a shiver coursed through her. He steered her back to the bed. As he turned to go, she clamped her fingers around his wrist.

“Could you stay with me for a while?” She heard his swiftly indrawn breath.
Why had she put him on the spot? If he wanted to be in there with her, he wouldn’t be sleeping in the guestroom.

“Sure, if you want me to.”

Hannah moved over to make room for him. After a slight hesitation, he got in bed beside her. She smiled uncertainly, wishing she hadn’t said anything. “I’m sorry for being so silly.”

“You’re not being silly at all,” he said slowly. “I’m amazed at how well you’ve handled everything.”

“Did you ever get to skate with me?”

Jackson chuckled at the direction of her thoughts. “No, I didn’t. The accident that left me with these scars also messed up my right leg. That pretty much ended my skating days as well as my boyish fantasy of being able to impress you. I had to settle for worshipping you from afar. I fell into a sort of puppy love stage after I watched you hit a home run over the right field fence to win the state championship. By the time I got to high school, I knew I’d never get over you.” For a few seconds, there was silence and then he heard a small sniff. “Are you crying?”

She nodded and sniffed again. “I can’t help it. It’s so sad.”

Pulling up the sheet, he dried her tears. “Why is it sad?”

“I can’t help thinking about all the years you liked me, and I didn’t know. I hope I was never unkind to you.”

“In order to be unkind to someone, you have to be more aware of their existence.”

Hannah shifted so she could look at him. “This is when not remembering is the most frustrating. I want to know what I thought about you then.”

Again he laughed. “I think we can make a pretty good guess. I was just a guy that lived down the street.”

“So we didn’t date in high school?”

“Not in college, either.”

“You waited a long time for me. I hope I was worth it.”

He smiled gently. “I wouldn’t trade a single second of my time with you.”

“Even now? With all this stuff going on?” she asked softly.

“Especially right now.”

She leaned her head against his shoulder. “I have so much to make up for.”

“Shh. Close your eyes and go to sleep.”

“If I do, you’ll leave, and I don’t want you to go.”

His whispered words reached her ears. “I’ll never leave you, Hannah. As long as you need me, I’ll be here.”

Chapter Nine

Jackson slid out of bed, his bad leg protesting the movement. At the door, he glanced over his shoulder at the woman who’d wound herself more tightly around his heart. Hannah was home again, but in many ways she was as far away from him as before. Until he knew why she came back, he couldn’t afford to read too much into her actions toward him. It was natural that in her present state she would be lonely and afraid. Those were the reasons she wanted him with her.
Who else could she turn to but him?

His mind replayed the last few hours in painstaking detail, reminding him of the scent of her skin, the silkiness of her hair, and the sheer delight of holding her in his arms. It was a stark contrast to his state-of-mind earlier in the evening when he’d been nervous and on edge, waiting for her to remember the things that would tear them apart.
What was he going to do?

As he passed through the living room, he caught sight of the open Bible on the couch. “I can’t do this alone, Lord,” he said in a low voice. “I need Your strength and wisdom to get through this.”

He’d only been asleep a short time when he heard the screams. Terrified, he jumped out of bed and ran down the hallway to Hannah’s room. He found her sitting up, her eyes staring unseeingly at the wall. Not sure if she was fully awake, he approached her slowly.

“Hannah,” he called softly. “It’s me, Jackson.”

Her eyes flickered and a shudder went through her. “I was in a black and gold room. The other man from the hospital was there.”

Jackson ignored the stab of pain that sliced through him.
This wasn’t anything he hadn’t expected. He knew she would remember Mitchell first.
He sat down beside her and took her trembling hands into his. “It’s okay, darling. You’re safe now.”

“It was awful. He was holding me and kissing me.”

For her sake, he had to be calm. He couldn’t let her see how much her words hurt him.
“Mitchell was your boyfriend, Hannah. It’s natural that he would be kissing you.” He realized he’d used the past tense when referring to Mitchell’s relationship with Hannah.
Wasn’t he just making it harder on both of them?
At some point, she would have to know how matters stood between them.

She turned to look at him. “That’s what he told me, but I didn’t believe him.” Her lips started to shake. “I don’t want to remember
him
; I want to remember
you
.”

Only because she thinks she’s a happily married woman.
The situation was becoming more and more complicated, and this was only the beginning.
How was he going to do this?
“You will; give yourself a chance.”

“It’s taking too long,” she complained. “I want to know now.”

He tucked the loose strands of hair behind her ear. “It’s been a week. You’re going to have to cultivate some patience.”

“That’s easy for you to say. I’m tired of being in the dark. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Why do you think that?”

“From looking around this room. There’s nothing in here that belongs to you. A man in love with his wife doesn’t move out of their bedroom. Unless something she did forced him there.”

Jackson ran his fingers through his hair. “That’s not true, Hannah. There are many reasons for such arrangements. I’m not sure this is the best time to talk about it.”

“Please, Jackson. It’s bad enough that I can’t remember what happened. Let’s not make it worse by clouding my mind with wrong assumptions and half-truths.”

* * * *

Hannah watched Jackson’s face change from uncertainty to resignation. Whatever he was going to tell her would probably end the idyllic fantasies she’d been weaving the last few days, but it would also give their relationship a reference point for the future. They couldn’t solve whatever problems they were experiencing if only one of them knew the circumstances that had brought them here. Surely the mistakes they’d made weren’t so permanent that they couldn’t be overcome. There had to be a way to repair their marriage.

“You weren’t living here before the accident. For the last two years, you’ve been with Mitchell.”

“You’ve been with Mitchell.”
His words bounced off the walls of her mind.
Then her face paled alarmingly as the full implications of his statement became clear. “I left you and Sophia?” she asked in a whisper.

Jackson nodded slowly.

Hannah’s fingers dug into the blanket. “You hadn’t seen me in all that time until I showed up at the hospital?”

“Well, you did come back once to see Sophia.”

It was so much worse than she imagined.
Now she understood why Jackson didn’t want to be in this room with her. She’d left him to raise their daughter alone. He probably didn’t even want her in the house, but the amnesia forced him to take her in.

“Why was I here?”

“I don’t know.”

“And this Mitchell person, the guy I was…was living with, came to see me once and then skipped town when he realized I didn’t remember him. Did he expect you to take care of me?”

“I don’t know what he expected, but I was going to take care of you regardless.”

“You
wanted
to take care of me? After what I did to you?”

“You’re my wife,” he said quietly.

With a strangled cry, she collapsed against his chest. Through the agonized sobs that racked her body, she heard his voice uttering soothing noises in her ear and felt his hands gently rubbing her back. She thought back over the last few days, examining his actions in light of what she knew now. Jackson’s behavior baffled her.
How could he stand to be anywhere near her?

All of this had been pushed on him.
What would have happened if he hadn’t stepped in and taken her home? Was he only waiting for her memory to return? Did he expect and want her to go back to Mitchell?
A shudder went through her. She might not remember the past, but she knew she didn’t want to leave Jackson. Fear welled up inside her.
How could she convince him to let her stay with him?
And what would she do if she failed?

* * * *

Jackson looked down at the sleeping woman in his arms, the evidence of tears still marking her face. She cried so hard and for so long, he’d begun to be afraid. Not sure what to do, he’d rocked her in his arms until the sobs gradually subsided, and she fell into an exhausted slumber.

He had caused this.
He should have realized she was in too fragile a state to be told the truth. He’d destroyed her illusions without giving her anything to put in their place. Not once had he told her the most important thing – that he loved her.
Was it too late? Would she believe him?

He was pulling a pan of muffins out of the oven when he sensed he wasn’t alone. Turning around, he saw Hannah standing in the doorway.

“I’m sorry for crying all over you last night.”

Jackson slid the oven mitts off his hands. “I should be apologizing to you. It was too soon to tell you anything.”

“I needed to know even if I didn’t like what I heard.” She walked over and leaned against the counter, pulling her robe tightly around her. “Where did I meet Mitchell?”

“He grew up with us in Cochran. You were involved with him long before you married me.”

The silence that greeted this statement went on for a long time. “At least now you don’t have to pretend.”

“Who says I’m pretending?” he asked softly.

She threw her hands in the air. “You have to be. You can’t possibly still care about me.”

He closed the distance between them. “Didn’t you learn anything from those letters? You’ve had me wrapped around your finger since we were five years old.”

“Please don’t joke about it.”

His fingers slid down the side of her face. “Do I look like I’m joking? Like I told you before, I’ll love you forever.”

“I don’t understand you,” she whispered.

“What’s so hard to understand? God gave us the greatest example of love when He sent Jesus to die for our sins. He also gave us the capacity to love as He does. Humans reduce it to a shallow emotion swayed by every wind of adversity or make it dependent on how one’s treated in return. Love is the one thing that should endure in spite of everything else.”

“Not many people can love like that, Jackson.”

He smiled faintly. “It’s not that they
can’t
do it. Not many people
want
to love like that. True love comes with a heavy cost, and there’s no guarantee that the investment will ever pay dividends.
Would you like a pumpkin-chocolate chip muffin?”

A faint smile tugged at her lips. “Do you always try to change the subject?”

“Only when I’m hungry.” He handed her a muffin. “What about coffee?”

“Yes, thank you.” She took the muffin and sat down at the table. After he joined her, she looked his way again. “I should have asked this before. What have you told Sophia?”

“Only that you’re coming to stay for a while.”

“Aren’t you afraid it will hurt her to see me?”

“It won’t hurt her to see you; it will only hurt her if you leave.”

Hannah slowly peeled the paper liner from the muffin. “When I leave is up to you, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s always been your decision.”

“Will she remember me?”

“I’m not sure what she remembers, but you’re not a stranger to her. You don’t have to worry about that. She loves you already.”

“She loves the image you’ve created for her. I hope the real thing won’t be a disappointment.”

He smiled wistfully. “Children accept us for who we are. They have no preconceived notions or unreasonable conditions.”

“My being here could mess up everything. Have you considered that?”

“Yes, but at the same time, I can’t deprive Sophia of something she needs. A father can be many things, but he can’t be a mother.”

“You’ve treated me with more consideration than I deserve. Thank you, Jackson.”

He shrugged. “It’s important for Sophia to know her mother. When we’re done here, I thought we could look through some pictures. It might help jog your memory.”

She grimaced. “I’m not sure I want to remember anything else.”

“The only way forward is through the past.”

* * * *

Hannah found the thought of meeting her daughter both exciting and daunting. Naturally it would take time for Sophia to get used to her again, but even this had been made easier for her by Jackson. By keeping Hannah in Sophia’s life through conversation and photos, he’d done everything in his power to lessen the loss the child might have otherwise experienced. He hadn’t wanted Sophia to grow up with the knowledge that she’d been deserted.

His actions in that regard didn’t surprise her. His behavior throughout this strange episode was proof that he didn’t act spitefully or put his own interests ahead of others. Jackson was good at protecting the people he loved. Hannah had repaid his thoughtful and caring nature with the cruelest form of disloyalty.

Her sudden and unexpected return had once again disrupted his life. At a time when she was the most defenseless, he hadn’t uttered a single word of blame. He hadn’t hurled insults at her or called into question her suitability as a mother. He hadn’t pointed out what an adulterous wife she’d been.
Instead of ridicule and contempt, he’d shown her kindness and compassion.

Hannah almost wished he hadn’t. It didn’t matter that she had no memory of what drove her to leave her family or even the man she’d gone to be with. She deserved to feel Jackson’s rejection; to hear it in his voice, to see it in his face. Didn’t he realize she was unworthy of his love?

Her thoughts went back to those pictures on the refrigerator.
How could he bear to look at the woman who left him every time he stepped into the kitchen? Didn’t it constantly rub salt in the wound?
Somehow he’d found a way to put aside his anger and resentment. Such tenacity and resolve amazed her and yet it went along with everything she’d learned about him.

If only she could remember what brought her back. It wouldn’t undo the past, but it could mean she’d finally come to her senses.
She wanted to believe that she’d made a conscious decision to leave Mitchell before the accident – before amnesia cured her of whatever hold he had on her. If he did show his face again, he was in for a surprise. She wasn’t budging from here unless Jackson threw her out.

Her eyes lifted from the magazine on her lap and looked in the direction of the kitchen. Jackson was pacing the floor while he talked on the phone. She didn’t understand how he could love her, but she knew he did. His love shown out of his eyes, was present in his voice, and reached out to embrace her in everything he did. And she could feel herself responding to him like a plant does to the warm rays of the sun.

What had their life together been like before she left?
If it was true that she loved Mitchell, why had she married Jackson? And what would have made him willing to marry her? Her glance slid over to the framed picture of Sophia and her eyes narrowed.
Hadn’t Jackson said they’d been married four years?