For Her Son's Sake (11 page)

“I need you, too,” he said.

She lifted her head, giving him a half smile. “I know.”

He shook his head because already doubt was rushing in, telling him he’d made a huge mistake, but as he gently separated their bodies and lowered her to her feet it didn’t feel like one. It felt as if something he was afraid to define and in that moment he made a decision that he sensed he’d regret later.

He was going to hold on for the ride of his life and if they crashed and burned, he’d deal with the fallout. Because honestly, he felt as if he’d found the one thing he’d always been afraid to admit he’d been searching for. And it wasn’t revenge for a long ago slight; it was home. It was the sense of belonging that he had only ever glimpsed when he was in Emma’s company, with her arms wrapped around him.

They moved apart to gather their clothes but there was none of the awkwardness that had accompanied the first time they’d made love. He knew that this time there was no denying what was between them.

“I guess I should go,” he said, when they’d both cleaned up.

“I want you to stay,” she said.

Eleven

I
t had been two weeks since Kell’s midnight visit to her house. He’d left the following morning just before Sammy had gotten up. Since then, they’d fallen into a pattern that had nothing to do with work and everything to do with figuring out their relationship. Kell came to dinner a couple nights a week and they cooked together and then had some family time.

It seemed as if he wanted the family time as much as she did. One night they all played with the remote control cars Kell had brought for Sammy, another night they rocked on “Guitar Hero.” Then there was the time Kell played his ukulele while Sammy played the same tune on his tablet. They played lots of songs, including “They Can’t Take That Away From Me.” The sweet gesture had touched her deeply, making her feel as if she and Kell were building something that could last.

The feeling became especially strong after Sammy went to bed and they curled up on the patio or in front of the television together and talked about their days and then made love. The only wrinkle she could see was that Kell never talked of the future. And he was careful to let Sammy only get so close to him. He only let her get so close as well, now that she thought about it.

She realized that he was careful to not come to her house every night. In fact he had a pattern of two nights with them and then three nights away. Knowing Kell, that had to be significant. She wanted to believe they were building a relationship but the more she dwelled on it the less that seemed true. What it felt like to her was a cohabitation where Kell got to try out all the things he wished someone had done for him when he was a kid...with the added bonus of sex with her.

She sat at her desk in the Malibu office mulling it all over. It was almost time to go home. She hadn’t heard from Kell today but she knew he had a big meeting with some Japanese investors who were interested in buying into Playtone-Infinity. There was no denying the merged company was a powerhouse of intellectual property and talent. She hated that she was out of the loop on the merger since she was still on probation. She was dying to know what was going on.

That kind of negotiation was really the kind of thing she’d always loved about being the CEO of Infinity Games. Which made her realize that just developing a new educational game wasn’t going to be her future. The game was progressing wonderfully and Emma had no doubt that the board would approve it. But she couldn’t see herself in some office job without the excitement that came from running the company.

It just wasn’t what she was meant to do. She knew she was nearing the point where she had to finally make the hard decision. Stay or leave. Her heart said to stay but her mind pointed out that her affair with Kell would end. And when it did, she’d be working for her former lover, seeing him at family events. What a nightmare.

Why hadn’t her common sense kicked in before this?

But she knew the answer. She liked him. Hell, she more than liked him; if she wasn’t careful, she’d let herself fall in love with him. And falling in love with Kell Montrose—and admitting to it—was about the dumbest thing she could do.

She knew it but it didn’t stop her heart from speeding up when she went down to the company day care center to pick up Sammy and found Kell waiting on the bench outside.

“Hello,” he said, looking up at her.

“Hey. How was your day?”

“Long, actually, and if you weren’t on probation I think I could use your opinion on the offer they made us,” Kell said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Why should it matter? At the end of the day I’m still a shareholder and my interest in the company is to see it profitable.”

“Yeah, that’s what I told Allan and Dec but they pointed out that if it were any other Chandler, the thought wouldn’t even occur to me to ask for advice.”

Any other Chandler? What did that mean? Did his cousins know they were lovers? She’d been careful to keep it from her sisters.

“Uh...I don’t know what to say to that.”

“I know. Me neither. It’s not like they know we have a relationship,” Kell said.

“What are you doing down here?” she asked.

“I just arrived. I knew you’d be here to pick up Sam so I figured I wait for you,” he said. “We need to talk tonight.”

She nodded. She’d been sort of thinking the same thing all day. It would be too easy to let their current situation just continue. And she knew she was denying the fact that he wasn’t going to stay forever. She knew that.

“Let me get Sammy and we can go. Do you want to come to my place?”

“I was hoping you’d ask one of your sisters to watch Sammy,” he said.

“I’ll try, but it would be better to give them a day’s notice. They’ve been working all day, too, and have their own babies to worry about,” Emma said. “Plus I told Sammy we were making tacos tonight.”

“Well, I don’t want you to break a promise,” he said. “Our conversation can wait until tomorrow.”

“Are you still coming over?” she asked.

She had a feeling that he was going to break up with her and if that was the case why not just do it. What else could he need to speak to her alone about? And why did she feel so sad and angry all at once at the thought of it?

“I don’t know,” he said.

* * *

Kell was caught between his past life and his desire for the future. He wasn’t ready to admit that the last two weeks with Sammy and Emma had been the best of his life but he knew they had been. They’d made him feel as if he belonged. As though he had a place to call his own. Only he knew it wasn’t his place. It was theirs, and they’d invited him into it.

He couldn’t keep playing his game of only seeing them for two days and then staying away for three. In his mind that kept the scales firmly tipped in his favor. In the direction of the life he’d always had and always known.

His meeting today had made him realize that no matter how much he wanted to talk things over with Emma he’d pretty much made up his mind to assign her a position where she’d be able to work for the company but not have any real influence over it. And he’d decided that long before he’d gotten to know her. But to change his mind now...well, it would mean he’d have to admit that he’d changed.

And change wasn’t part of his make-up. He’d tried long-term relationships before and most of the time they ended amicably but this one couldn’t. He knew he was enjoying the newness of having two people—a ready-made family—who wanted and needed him in their lives. But the novelty wouldn’t last, and then what would he do?

He wasn’t on the outside looking in anymore. Two nights ago when he’d tucked Sammy into bed, the little boy had hugged him tight and called him Darth Dada. Which had been like a punch to the gut. He wanted to be Darth Dada to Sammy and be a husband to Emma but he didn’t know if he could. It was easy to say he’d stay and be her man but he had no idea if he’d bolt the first time things got tough.

Or if she’d even want him once he told her that Playtone-Infinity Games would keep her on, but not in a position of power.

She was looking at him, waiting for an answer about tonight, and he had none. There had been something about Emma from the beginning that had enabled her to render him speechless and that hadn’t changed. Only now it was because of how he felt.

Emotions. Who’d have guessed he had them?

“What
do
you know?” she asked at last.

“That I want to come over. But we have to talk business and I don’t want you to infer things and then be mad later,” he said.

She grabbed his wrist and pulled him down the hall away from the nursery door, where parents were starting to come out with their kids.

“This thing between us has nothing to do with business. You promised me a fair shake and I’m reporting to the board, not just you. Whatever happens on that score is up to the board and you, what happens between us, well, that’s down to me and you...I know it’s hard to separate the two.”

“You say that now but what if the decision doesn’t go your way?” he asked. The Japanese company had been clear that they didn’t want to see any infighting if they were going to make an investment in Playtone-Infinity. And Kell had pretty much decided that not taking the offer wouldn’t be sound business.

But Dec and Allan had made arguments against it. They thought that if they took outside money they’d leave themselves open to interference. Which is why he could use Emma’s input, but if he asked her for it and then slotted her into the position he had in mind—operational head of the new educational games unit, reporting to Cari, she’d feel betrayed.

But she couldn’t report to him. That would be a conflict of interest. So it was Cari or nothing.

In a way it would have been so much better if he’d never gotten involved with her. Because the more he looked at their situation the more he became convinced that it couldn’t last. And that the ending was going to be messy and hurt him more than he had anticipated.

For a man who was known for making astute decisions this one had dumb-ass written all over it. What had he been thinking? But he knew the answer: he hadn’t been thinking at all. He’d gone with his gut and now he was paying the price.

“I don’t know,” she said, quietly. “But I do know that no matter what happens neither of us is going to get what we want.”

She had a point.

The door to the nursery opened and Sammy popped his head out and looked down the hall. “There they are. Can I go?”

Emma turned to her son and smiled at him. “Let me go and sign you out, Sammy. Sorry, we were busy talking.”

“That’s all right,” Sammy said. Emma returned to the nursery, gave her son a hug and went inside for a moment. When she came back out and the two of them turned to walk away, Sammy reached back for Kell.

Kell hesitated but he couldn’t resist the chance to be included and took the little boy’s hand. Emma looked over at him. He saw her heart in her eyes and he knew it was past time for him to end this. They were already beyond the point of no return and unless he could commit himself to her—and he didn’t want to take a chance on doing that—he owed it to her to leave now and cause as little damage as possible.

But not tonight, he thought as Sammy started talking to him in his toddler speak with those shortened words that he wouldn’t have understood just a few weeks ago but now made perfect sense. He wanted to try play Mario Kart online tonight. Todd, Sammy’s friend from day care, played it online with his dad. Apparently, Sam had told Todd that they’d all play against each other, with Kell on Sammy’s team.

Kell agreed but he knew that this would be the last night they all had together. He couldn’t keep filling a role in Emma’s and Sam’s lives that should be filled by a better man. A man who could stay and love them both.

Not a man like himself who was hollow inside.

* * *

Kell followed her home, pulling into the driveway behind her. As she turned off the ignition in her car, Sammy said, “I like Darth Dada.”

“He’s not your daddy,” she said softly.

“I know. He’s in heaven, but Darth is nice and he plays games with me. I think he could be a daddy.”

Emma’s heart broke. She knew Sam needed a dad. He hadn’t missed having one until DJ got one and then Hannah arrived, and she immediately had two parents in Jessi and Allan. Sammy was the only one with no dad.

“He is nice but he’s just a friend of ours. Let’s not count on him to be a part of our family.”

“Why not?”

“He’s not used to family,” Emma said. How could she explain something she barely understood to her son?

“Maybe we could show him,” Sammy said.

She was saved from having to answer because just then Kell arrived at the passenger-side door and opened it.

“How was the ride?”

“Good,” Sammy said. “Wanna play racing when we get inside?”

“I’d like that,” Kell said. “Online, right? What time did you tell Todd we’d be on?”

“When we got home,” he said to Kell.

He got Sam out of his car seat and put him down. When Emma came around from her side of the vehicle, her little boy looked up at her.

“See?” Sammy said. He was still desperately trying to make his point that Kell could be his daddy.

“Yes,” she said. She could see how to a three-year-old, Kell’s wanting to play games with him and eat dinner with them on a regular basis would be enough to make him part of their family.

But Emma knew better.

Emma went upstairs to get changed and sent Mrs. Hawking on her way, while Sammy and Kell went to the living room and fired up “Mario Kart” a racing game that they liked to play.

When she came back downstairs to make dinner, Emma began to feel as if her anxiety was getting the better of her. She knew what she’d seen in Kell’s eyes earlier, and for the life her, though she couldn’t figure out why, it seemed as if Kell was still planning to fire her.

She knew the demands of her probation were strict but she had been careful to fulfill them all. And she would have thought that after all the time they spent together he’d have softened in his attitude. But clearly that wasn’t the case.

As much as she wanted to get mad at him because of that, she knew she couldn’t because she’d made a big deal about keeping their work and personal lives separate.

So did that mean he was breaking the affair off, too, or was it just work? And would she really want to keep seeing him if he fired her? This was a nightmare. Why had she ever allowed him into her life?

As if she could have kept him out. As soon as they’d kissed she’d been a goner. She’d wanted him in her house and in her neat little life as if he was the answer to what was missing instead of just a really good lay. From the beginning, she couldn’t think in terms of the two of them simply having a sexual connection. It had always been more to her.

Still was. She listened to Sammy and Kell talking and laughing as they played “Mario Kart” in the other room and she smiled to herself before remembering that after tonight everything would change. She peaked into the living room, seeing them both sitting on the floor in front of the couch with a pile of pillows behind their backs.

Kell put his hands over Sammy’s to show him how to do something on his game controller and Sammy looked up at him with adoration in his eyes. He needed a father. He wanted it to be Kell. Emma turned away. She had no idea what to do.