For Mac (13 page)

Branson was used to Mac having several petit mal seizures most every day, and grand mal seizures on the average of once a week or so, especially when he was running a high fever. After each major seizure, though, Branson felt he lost a little more of his brother. They had done tons of CT scans and MRIs over the last nine months, and each one showed more brain damage. Whether it was caused by the fever or the seizures or some nebulous thing that just happened, no one could ever say definitively.
Not that it matters what caused it
, Branson thought.

They had all been as careful as they could to prevent all of these secondary injuries, but the doctor and nurses all assured him that, despite receiving the best care, people who were in a deep coma for that long often couldn’t escape those kinds of difficulties.

Branson shook himself out of his sad thoughts and looked up at Liam as he came into the room. He had never felt so hopeless. He didn’t want to give up on Mac, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could let himself hope.

“I’m never getting my brother back, am I?”

Liam didn’t seem to know what to say to that. He clearly didn’t want to dash all of Branson’s hopes, but he wouldn’t lie to him. “It’s getting more and more unlikely that he’ll ever make a full recovery. He could still come out of the coma a little more, though. Often there’s improvement for up to a year after a brain injury.” Liam stepped closer to Branson and put a hand on his shoulder. “I hate to see you giving up like this. But… it does look pretty grim, doesn’t it?”

“I want Mac back,” Branson all but whispered and placed one hand over Liam’s while holding Mac’s with the other.

L
IAM
APPEARED
in the doorway of Mac’s room the next Saturday.

“Hey.” Branson smiled. “I didn’t think you worked today. Did you get called in?”

“Nope.” Liam smiled an answer.

“What brings you here, then?”

Liam held up a picnic basket. “I knew you’d camp out in this room all day long if someone didn’t come and drag you out. And since Amy and Andy are out of town this weekend”—his smile broadened—“I knew it had to be me.”

Branson gestured toward the picnic basket. “A picnic? In late September?”

“That’s why you have to get outside, bud.” Liam pointed to the window. “It’s unseasonably warm out there. We need to go have a picnic.”

Branson looked torn. He always enjoyed spending time with Liam, but he didn’t want to leave his brother after the horrible week he had had.

Liam walked over to the bed. “What d’you think, pal?” He laid his hand on Mac’s arm. “Can I steal your brother for a while?”

Of course Mac didn’t answer, but Branson decided that Mac would have said it was okay, if he could have. He wasn’t sure he truly believed that, but he tried to or he wouldn’t go, and he desperately wanted to have a picnic with Liam.

L
IAM
SPREAD
the blanket under the large oak tree he and Branson favored for lunch. “How do you feel about fried chicken?”

“You made fried chicken?” Branson settled down on the blanket and opened the basket.

“Well,” Liam smirked, “a kindly old colonel actually made it, but I laboriously carried it to the car and packed it and the other stuff in the basket.”

Branson chuckled. “Well, then, I can’t wait to taste it… since you labored over it so much, and all.”

Liam chortled and laid the food on the blanket.

The two men ate and talked, and Branson was more calm and relaxed than he had been for quite some time. When he finished the last of the food on his plate, he collapsed back onto the blanket and looked at the sky.

“This is nice.” Branson grinned, and Liam fell on his back beside him.

“It is,” Liam agreed. “I really enjoy spending time with you, man. You’re a good friend.” He seemed to hesitate before saying the next part, and he lifted himself up onto his elbow. “I know you’re uncomfortable with my being gay. But I really appreciate your willingness to set it aside and be my friend anyway.”

“It’s not that I have a problem with
you
being gay,” Branson answered. “Or anyone else, actually.” Branson knew he was confusing Liam, though he could tell Liam was trying to follow him. “I’m not a homophobe.” Branson raised to an elbow too, and faced Liam. “Um…. Mac is the one who’s dead set against it by principle. Always has been. Really drilled it into me, sometimes physically, that I could never be gay.”

Liam still obviously wasn’t sure where this was going. “No danger there, bud. No one here thinks you’re gay.”

“Mac thought so.” Branson flopped back down on the blanket.

Liam didn’t appear to be sure what to say to that so he lay back down also. “Well, I don’t know why, man. You’re as straight as they come, as far as I can tell.”

Branson groaned. “Yeah, well….” It was a long time before he said anything else, but then he continued. “I’m not exactly sure of that.”

Liam rose back up on his elbow and looked at Branson. Branson thought that he had caught Liam by surprise with that statement.

“The whole reason Mac’s in that bed is because I looked at a guy.”

“Looking doesn’t make you gay,” Liam noted. “Me own brother has remarked that a guy was attractive, or not. He’s not gay in the least. He can appreciate when a person, male or female, meets society’s norms of attractiveness.”

“Yeah, well, Mac thought it was more than that.”

“What do you think?”

Branson was still for a long time but then finally decided to come clean. “It was more than that.” But he quickly backpedaled. “But I wasn’t going to act on it. I can’t be gay, Liam. I can’t.”

Liam took a deep breath, apparently trying to decide what to say. “I’m not sure it works that way, man.” He took another breath. “You feel what you feel. You can’t really help that.”

“But I can choose not to act on it, right?” Branson propped himself back on an elbow and knew he looked desperate, like he was looking for absolution.

“Bran.” Liam evidently wasn’t sure what to say but seemed to know that Branson was waiting for him to say something, to advise him. “Only you can decide what you do or do not want to act on. But it should be your decision, man. Not your brother’s or anyone else’s.”

Branson flopped back down onto the blanket. “Yeah, that’s what Andy and Amy always say.”

“Wise people, so they are.” Liam smiled and lay back down too. When Branson didn’t comment further, he added. “It may be none of me business, but… have you ever acted on it? Is that why Mac is so dead set against it or so worried about it?”

Branson wasn’t sure he wanted to answer. He didn’t like to think about this part of himself, let alone talk about it. But then he decided to let Liam in. “I used to look at Amy’s
Playgirl
magazines when we were kids. Mac found them once. About beat the crap out of me for it.”

“How old were you then?”

“I don’t know, thirteen? Fourteen?”

“Young teens are curious, man,” Liam remarked. “Doesn’t really mean you’re gay.”

“Wasn’t the only time, though,” Branson admitted, though he didn’t know why he was telling Liam all of this. After a deep breath, he continued. “The night of the crash….”

Liam raised to his elbow again. “He got so angry just seeing you look at someone that he crashed the car?”

Branson continued to look at the sky. “Well, he didn’t crash it on purpose or anything. He was so mad, he was yelling at me and wasn’t looking at the road. He didn’t have to react like that, though. I really wasn’t going to do anything about it. I was attracted to the guy, but not enough to want to act on it or anything.”

“I believe you, lad.” Liam seemed to think for a moment, and then he apparently decided to ask another question. “Have you ever been attracted enough to a man to want to act on it? At least on some level?”

Branson turned away. “Just once,” he practically whispered.

Liam was quiet for a long time, then asked, “Before or after the accident, if you don’t mind me asking?” Liam leaned in closer.

Branson was quiet for so long Liam probably wasn’t sure he was going to answer. He finally said, “After.”

Liam smiled. Branson hadn’t been around too many people since the accident, so he was pretty sure that Liam either thought there was a new cute guy at work or he knew he was talking about him.

“Anyone I know?”

Well damn
, Branson thought,
he knows it’s him
.

Branson still faced away from Liam but answered, “Yeah.” He turned rapidly and came up on his elbow. “But I can’t act on it, Liam. Mac….”

Liam took a risk and reached out to brush the lock of hair off Branson’s forehead. “No one is asking you to act on it, Bran. But make that decision based on what you think is right. Not what Mac thinks.”

“How can I not care what he thinks?” Branson jerked away a bit
but was trying not to pull away completely. “I owe him everything. I—
”

“Bran.” Liam reached out again but stopped short before he touched him. “I didn’t say don’t care. Of course you care what your brother thinks. You love him. You always will. But I can’t believe he wants you to be unhappy just because he disagrees with who you should lo—find attractive.”

“You don’t know Mac,” Branson answered with a huff. “That’s exactly what he thinks. It was always his way or the highway, and he didn’t really care if I disagreed with him.”

“Then—” Liam hesitated, like he knew he was taking a risk here. “—he doesn’t deserve your loyalty, man. Loyalty and love should be reciprocal. If he wanted you to see his side of things, then he needed to see yours too. And sometimes people who love each other have to agree to disagree. And if they truly love each other, disagreements won’t change that, no matter what they’re over.”

“Would be nice if it actually worked that way.” Branson flopped back onto the blanket and turned away again. “What happened when your parents found out you were gay?”

Liam chuckled. “I think they always knew. But I agonized for weeks about how to tell them, after I finally convinced myself I should actually tell them. I finally blurted it out over dinner one night, with all me siblings there too. Da didn’t miss a beat. He picked up a roll and said, ‘Well, at least we won’t have to worry about you getting a girl pregnant,’ and then he asked me to pass the butter, and we went about dinner like that was the most normal dinner conversation in the world. Lizzie asked a million questions. She was still pretty young. Patrick’s response was ‘Great, now it’s totally up to me to carry on the family name.’ All of them were really supportive. Still are.”

Branson sighed. “That sounds so great, man. I can’t imagine.”

“Branny.” Liam seemed to have more to say. “You know I’m attracted to you. I’d love to see if we could have a relationship beyond friendship, see where that might go, but I do lo—care for you enough to be fine with whatever decision you make. If you ever decide to act on your attraction, I’ll be right here waiting. If you never do, I’m here as a friend, and a friend only. I will never ask you to do or be anything you are not comfortable with. You just need to decide what that is.”

After a moment of silence, Liam patted Branson on the shoulder. “Now, help me clean up, so we can go spend some time with that brother of yours. I brought all six
Star Wars
movies.”

Branson turned to look at Liam, smiled, and helped clean up.

B
Y
THE
last Friday of September, Mac was having grand mal seizures almost every other day. His brain scans showed minimal function, and he hadn’t opened his eyes or groaned in what seemed like forever.

Branson decided to go back to work full time come Monday, and come to sit with Mac after work. He could get here by 5:30 p.m., eat something in the cafeteria, and still have over two hours to sit with his brother. It would have to be enough. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He could no longer endure hours upon hours of sitting by the bedside of someone that he now had to admit was probably never going to wake up.

Liam checked in on Branson before leaving for the day. “Hey, I’ve gotta go help me brother with his car, and I’m goin’ out of town for the weekend, but I’ll see you and Mac on Monday.”

“Actually”—Branson looked up—“I’ve made a decision about that.” When Liam looked skeptical, Branson hurried on. “I don’t mean about seeing you… in fact, that’s the only difficult thing about this decision.” When it was clear Liam was going to wait silently for him to continue, he did. “I think I’m going to start staying at work until five o’clock from now on. They’re clamoring for me to work longer anyway, and I have to admit those couple of weeks where I stayed there until after you got off work, I really did get more done than I ever do here. I truly don’t think Mac knows, or cares, whether I’m here or not, and it’s not like he won’t still get excellent care if I’m not by his bedside the whole time.”

“That’s true… about the care,” Liam said. “But I’m not sure I agree about him not caring if you’re here. Even if he can’t express it, I’ve got to think that he knows you’re here, on some level. But I do agree that you have to do what’s best for yourself—workwise and every other wise—and at this point, it’s probably not to be staying here so much. But I’ll miss seeing you every day. Most days, though, I can come back after you get here… if you want me to.”

Branson smiled but said, “I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not askin’. I’m offerin’.” Liam smiled back. “Besides, it’s for selfish reasons. I don’t have anyone else in me life who can stomach watching hours of
Star Trek
and science fiction B movies.”

Branson chuckled. “Yeah, I can imagine that’s true. I don’t either. Andy tried a couple of times… just can’t get into it.” Branson paused, trying to decide whether he wanted to say the next part or not, but then decided to go for it. “I also wanted to ask you something, though.” When Liam shot him a “go ahead” look, he asked, “Would you like to meet sometime and go out to dinner again? I really liked the last time we did that, and I know I acted like an ass afterward, but if I promise not to do that again, can we go have dinner sometime? As friends?”