Forever (This #5) (29 page)

Sam and Rebecca left with Bradley and Gabby last night after they brought the Stoney River takeout back. I’d say after we ate, but they ate while I picked at my food. Sam nagged at me about needing food for strength. All it did was piss me off and make me want to starve myself even more. Bradley didn’t say much because he knows when there’s shit on my mind to just leave me the hell alone. And the pile of poo in my head is up to the ceiling.

I’m in one of the family sleeping rooms for critical care patients. My goal was to come in here to get sleep, but I should have known better. The tiny, white box has a small bed, no windows, and the air conditioning in the already frigid hospital is arctic. Burrowing in the blanket, I tuck my head under in hopes of using my own body heat to keep warm.

Warmth. Blood. The old saying goes that blood is thicker than water. Well, that statement never seemed true. My parents, for the most part, were assholes growing up. Everything was Ryan this, Ryan that. Joe, be more like your brother. Joe, do this like Ryan did. Joe, you could learn a thing or two from your brother. For a while, I grinned through it. I tried harder, made more of an effort to be someone I wasn’t because the person I was frankly wasn’t good enough. Ryan was more grateful. Ryan was a better student, which somehow equated to Ryan being smarter. I memorized the dictionary for fun one summer out of boredom. Ryan’s memory isn’t as good as mine. Ryan wasn’t a better athlete, but athletics can only take you so far, they’d say. Ryan wasn’t as good with the girls, either. Oh, he was smooth like me. The difference was instead of making it clear what the expectations were or weren’t, he’d lead them on. He’d tell them what they wanted to hear as long as it benefited him. And he had to have the best girl. Because he’s the best.

Screw that shit.

I wanted whatever piece of ass I could get. There’s never been empty promises of more. Being the opposite of him became my sport. The object was to never hide my motives. But in doing so, I hid myself. Somehow through it all, the castle walls I used to build out of Legos surrounded my heart before fortifying into steel. The Joe I let people see was the Joe I chose to be.

Dysfunction abounds in our family. My ability to cope with the constant degrading and comparisons ticked away like a time bomb. With each statement, inaccurate observation, and critique of my personality, the fuse fizzled until I finally exploded. No longer did I give a flying fuck what people thought about me. When I got to college and Ryan was no longer a part of the equation, Bradley came into my life. While Ryan and I had been best friends and brothers our entire life despite the people around us constantly comparing us, Bradley understood me in a way no one ever had before. There was a special bond between us from the moment we met. So, in my experience, blood wasn’t that much thicker than water if it was at all. Hell, he’s just my fraternity brother, but he’s been the most accepting person. And it fucks with my head that it’s possible for someone who has only known me a fraction of my life to get me the way he does, but it is what it is, I guess.

Somehow over the course of my life, I became everything Ryan is and isn’t. Despite our differences, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. All he’d have to do is ask. So, tonight, as I inhale and exhale under this sheet like we used to do when we pretended our covers were tents, it’s all finally making sense.

Because since I met Sam, I realized who I chose to show didn’t align with who I am on the inside. For the first time in my life, I wanted someone to see the real me. The me I liked. The boy who memorized the dictionary, not the near college flunk-out. The man who would do anything for the people he loves. I’d never wanted anything Ryan had before her. Before Sam. Then, suddenly, the one thing he had was everything I wanted. For the first time in my adult life, I tried harder than Ryan. I fought dirtier. My objective was clear. My goal was simple. Win the girl.

But blood is thicker than water. And it’s all clear. Because when I played, I put all my chips in regardless of the price. And the cost may very well be spending the rest of my life knowing the last interaction with my brother was a fight over a fuckin’ girl. Over the love of our lives because we screwed up and fell in love with the same beautiful, brown-eyed girl.

Now, every time I see her, my heart twists so fuckin’ hard in my chest it takes my breath away. Hearing her sweet voice still causes my dick to jump to attention, and that confuses the hell out of me.

My mind’s telling me to walk away so when Ryan wakes up, I can tell him for the first time in our screwed up relationship I chose blood. My dick hates that choice.

Mom would say to choose with my mind not my dick. So the decision is made. Oh. They used to always say Ryan was so selfless. Well. I’m about to show him what selfless looks like. He just needs to wake up so he can laugh when he finds out I may have won the match, but he won the game.

The alarm on my phone starts to play some flowery song. As for sounds to wake up to, it’s the one I preferred. The alternative was the beeper that would go off if there were any changes in Ryan’s condition. I mean, I guess waking up to it if it were a good change would be all right. But my fear was being startled by the high-pitched tones to find out he’s taken a turn for the worse. There’s another saying. No news is good news. Kicking the covers off, I stretch my arms as I sit up and turn sideways so my feet are on the ground.

Six o’clock in the morning comes fast when it was at least two before the brain decided to shut itself off and the eyes to close. The nurses said doctors start rounding at seven o’clock. Families can’t visit for an hour. My goal is to see him before that takes place. I run my hands through my hair as my lips part and a yawn escapes. I slip my feet into the shoes on the floor where I took them off after I sat on this bed. If there were no delays last night, Mom and Dad should arrive right as the physicians do their thing, which will be kinda good. They’ll have time to go ahead and donate their blood. Up until I came to this room, Ryan was stable and didn’t require any more transfusions, which is good because none of us were a match for him. But they said there’s a small chance he may require more if he were to hemorrhage. He’s certainly not out of the woods.

I swipe the screen of my phone. “Dammit.” The bar for my battery is a sliver of red. Yesterday we left in such a hurry it never occurred to me to bring a charger for my cell. My finger taps the call log, and I pull up Bradley’s number. It rings once.

“Hey, man. Anything new?” he says, groggily.

“I’m sorry to call so early.”

“Don’t be.” It sounds like he’s stretching. I hear his lips smack, and I assume he kissed Gabby. “I’ll be right back. It’s Joe.”

“Were you awake this early?”

He chuckles. “No. But it’s okay. Seriously, how is he? You’re a master evader of questions.”

Master evader of questions. What I want to say is, “No, that’s Sam.” But I don’t. “He’s the same last I heard. I went to one of those family rooms to get some shut-eye.”

“Well, no news is good news, they say.”

I smile. “Yeah. My thoughts exactly. I’m about to head up to see him.” My phone makes that stupid sound for the low battery. “I have a favor to ask. My phone’s about to die.”

“What’s that?”

“Have you gone by the lake house to get Gabby’s car?” Gabby’s car makes me think of Sam. Sam makes me think of the most incredible sex I’ve ever had in my life. And I regret it. Because before we’d been together, I didn’t know what I was missing. It was better than I could have ever imagined. So even when I used to dream about it, it wasn’t as good as what I know I’m going to be missing. I grind my teeth and take a deep breath. This is going to be so fuckin’ hard.

“No. We took Rebecca to her place. By the time we were done, we were stuffed and exhausted.”

My stomach grumbles. Maybe I’ll be able to grab food and actually eat it before visiting my brother. “You still have my key?”

“Yep.”

“Can you bring me some clothes? Winter shit. It’s cold as fuck in this hell hole.”

He laughs. “Yup. What else? Winter clothes, cell phone charger…tooth brush, deodorant?”

“Ah. Those things sound amazing right about now. The simple luxuries we take for granted, right?”

“Seriously. I’ll be up there in a little bit. We were about to get up. Sam wanted to be there by eight.” I swallow. Funny how many girls’ hearts I’ve broken not even trying, despite telling them up front there would never be anything more than screwing. Never once have I actually tried to do it. It’s just always happened. Guess there’s a first time for everything. First time for telling the girl you’ll never leave her, then ditching her. First time for telling her you’re not who she thinks you are, then turning out to be someone you don’t even know or recognize. First time for promising not to break her heart, then stomping on it. “Joe? You still there?”

“I’m here.”

“Anything else?”

“That’s it.”

“We’ll see you shortly. Hang in there, man. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Thanks.” I wish I believed him. But no matter what happens, I’m the loser.