Fortitude (Heart of Stone) (6 page)

I sank to the floor when she turned and left, my eyes on
each of her scars as she walked away from me.

She had always been a fighter, had always been my little
warrior. But now, there was nothing left, no fight, no grit, no determination.

My little warrior had already died.

My eyes shifted from the guy in front of me to the
viewing window. There were currently three men watching us, each with their
hands on their crotch, their fingers deftly working their solid erections.

“Deeper,” Random ordered as he slid his cock further down
my throat. I gagged slightly when he gripped my hair and pulled me into his
thrust.

The room was spinning, the faces blurred and wobbly in my
haze of coke. No wonder Mason always turned to this shit, it was good at
obliterating thoughts and emotions, and excellent at forcing back my
self-hatred.

I could do this, I could fuck another. It would be so
easy.

I was yanked to my feet by large hands. Random smiled kindly
at me before he turned me round and bent me over the back of the couch in the
room. I shivered and retched when he pulled at my knickers, sliding my skirt up
and over my hips to give him better access. “Fuck, you have a sweet pussy,” he
murmured as he slid to his knees behind me.

I squeezed my eyes closed when I felt his lips on my bare
bottom. His fingers pinched at my flesh harshly as he continued his voyage
lower and lower.

I squinted when I was suddenly moving across the room, my
face looking at the floor and somebody’s jean clad backside. “Enough of this
shit, Ava.”

“What?” I couldn’t seem to form words properly.
Everything was surreal and obscure as I tracked the pattern in the carpet on my
journey through endless corridors.

“Sleep,” someone whispered when a thick duvet was pulled
under my chin. “Sleep, sweetheart.”

I smiled when I felt lips gently brushing my forehead.
But then oblivion took me away.

***

“Oh Christ,” I croaked when my head wanted to split open
and relieve the pressure banging on my skull. I covered my eyes with my hands
before I opened them, fear at the pain the light would bring making me vigilant
with how to wake.

“Hey,” a voice whispered, a familiar voice that made me
smile.

I slid onto my side and risked the light just to see his
handsome face. “Hey.”

He smiled softly and stroked the hair gently from my
face. “How you doing?” William cringed when he asked the question as though he
knew exactly how I was feeling.

“Umm, can I answer that question when you come into
focus?”

He laughed low and handed me a glass of juice and a couple
of pills, “Drink and swallow. Magic stuff, I can promise it works wonders.”

I sat upright, wincing as I nodded to him, and rested
against the headboard. I chuckled and shook my head, “I always wondered what it
would be like to sleep in your bed in your office.”

He smirked at me and shook his head. “Bathrooms through
there,” he told me as he pointed to a door in the corner. “There’s fresh
clothes in there. I’ll be back when you’re done.”

He walked away then suddenly turned to me. “You know,” he
paused as if trying to find the courage to say what he wanted to say. “You
know. George, your
dad
, was a good man, Ava. He loved you like his own.
He took on your heartache and pain and he fought to bring you back to life… to
give
you a life.”

I swallowed as tears burnt my eyes and my stomach
revolted. “I know.”

He nodded then narrowed his eyes on me, “And I can
guarantee that he won’t want to be replaying all that up there.” He pointed to
the ceiling then shrugged and looked down, “Or down there. He’s found his peace
Ava, let him have it.”

I lowered my eyes when he closed the door behind him,
watching the fall of each tear as they dropped into the glass of juice and
marbled the orange into streaks of yellow.

***

I sighed as I sank into the hot water, the bubbles tickling
my chin when I slid as far down as was possible without drowning. The warmth
enveloped me straight away, disinfecting the chill that had developed in me.

I lay for a long while, wondering how much longer I had.
Would it be painful, would it be quick or would it draw out agonisingly? I even
pictured how many would be at my funeral.

“I would love to see Rebecca there.” I said to myself.
“That would be awesome. I’d swoop down on her and flick her perfectly styled
hair.”

I nodded to myself then sighed when I realised I’d spent
way too long on my own. “You are so sad, you’ve now progressed to talking to
yourself. I should get a dog.” I decided suddenly, “That way I have someone to
talk to.” I frowned and chuckled, “But that’s out, Ava. Damn girl, he wouldn’t
even get past the puppy stage and he’d be on his own.”

I clambered out when the water had cooled and rubbed
myself down. I caught sight of myself in the full length mirror, the large scar
on my breast from the poker glaring at me.

I traced along it with my finger. “You know what’s so
fucking hard to take.” I spat at the ceiling. “I went through all the shit. I
spent night after night, shivering in the cold, starving and fighting to
survive until the morning. I’ve been raped, I’ve been beaten, I’ve been
tortured for Christ’s sake, but not once, not one single time did I ever give
up.”

I studied my breasts in the mirror, then placed my hands
over then, squashing them as hard as I could to my chest. Mason loved my
breasts, he’d feast on them, worship them even. I couldn’t bear for him to see
them hacked away, replaced by something hideous and repulsive.

I fought back the anger and pulled on the clothes William
had left for me, sniffing them secretly to see if they’d been cleaned from the
previous woman who had worn them, then went back into his office.

My breath left me in a whoosh as a palm flashed across my
cheek, snapping my head to one side abruptly. “You fucking bitch!” Courtney
hissed at me.

She tore at me, her hands and nails in my face as she
screamed and raged at me. I curled into myself and let her get it out. She
needed to do this, she needed to let it loose but her sobbing hurt me more than
her physical abuse. They were cries of broken sorrow and grief and each one
gutted me.

“Okay,” she said finally as she lifted her chin defiantly.
She wiped her forearm across her nose and turned to face someone. “She’s all
yours.”

I gasped when Nate walked over and hoisted me onto his
shoulder. “Enough of this crap Ava, you were born to fucking fight. And now…”
his voice broke and he coughed to clear it away, “now you fucking fight.”

I didn’t answer for a while, I couldn’t; the distress in
his voice hurt me more than anything. I hadn’t just destroyed myself, I had
destroyed my friends along with me.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Okay?” he asked as he turned his head to look at me. He
placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head. “Okay?”

I nodded. “But you do this with me. Not Courtney, not
Kade, not even Mason. I don’t want them to watch this. Just you.”

“You’re on. I’m there, sweetheart. Right the fuck beside
you… all the damn way.”

I nodded, “Okay.” I repeated.

It was all I could say.

But it was enough.

The whisky wasn’t enough. The coke wasn’t enough. I
fought over whether heroin would be enough.

I tried to stand but fell to the floor, my head bouncing
off the corner of the coffee table. “Fuck!”

I needed to piss and I focussed on the stairs. Could I
make it?

“Jesus Christ.” Kade walked through the doorway and
rushed over to me. “What the hell, Mase?” He wasn’t angry, well his voice
wasn’t, he was sad and I hated him for it.

“Don’t fucking pity me!” I stormed at him as I tried to
push off the table and stand. He grabbed hold of me, lifted me then threw me
back onto the sofa.

“I don’t fucking pity you, you arse. I’m hurting here
too. I love her too. I want her to get through this as well.”

I stared at him, his voice full of ache and pain. “She
doesn’t love me, Kade.”

“Of course she loves you.”

I shook my head slowly but firmly, the coke and alcohol
in my system slowing my movements. “No, she told me. Her exact words were ‘I
don’t even fucking love you’.”

“Hey,” he whispered as he slid my face round to look at
him, his fingers soft on my face and I sighed, nestling into his touch. “She’s
determined to destruct, Mason. You know damn well she loves you.”

I was silent for a moment but then lifted my eyes to his
and locked his gaze. “She’s going to die, Kade. And I…”

“No!” He barked at me, desperately trying to stop my
breakdown before it hit. “Listen to me. Nate rang, she’s gone in, Mason.”

“What?” I stared at him in confusion.

His smile was radiant, his bright blue eyes sparkling
furiously. “She’s fighting back, Mason. She’s fucking fighting.”

I swear my heart exploded in my chest. I suddenly couldn’t
breathe. My life hit me with the force of a train wreck, everything coming back
into focus as my spirit soared. “I need to see her.”

I struggled to get up but I found the determination. If
my beautiful wife had found the strength, then I could too.

“Mason…”

“Call me a cab,” I told him as I pulled on my shoes.

“Mason…”

“Are you capable of driving?”

“Mason!” He stood and took my hands. “She doesn’t want to
see us. She doesn’t want to see you.”

“What? But…”

He sighed and looked over my shoulder, his eyes focussing
on something, anywhere but me. “We have to respect that. She has taken the
biggest step of her life. Let her deal with it. Don’t ruin it by storming in on
her, she won’t appreciate it.”

“But she’ll need me.”

“No,” he shook his head. “She’ll need us to support
however she wants to do this. Let her get through this, then she’ll accept you,
she’ll accept life again.”

“But I can’t let her do this alone.”

“Nate is with her. He’ll carry her, but you have to
accept what she wants now.”

“Well, how long are we talking?” I asked, my patience
thin and fragile.

“I don’t know, Mason. Honestly, I really don’t know.”

I sank back onto the sofa, my hands sliding over my face
as I fought against the tears. “Why?” I asked him softly, “Why doesn’t she want
me anymore, Kade. Why?”

He sat beside me and pulled me against his lap until my
head rested in his groin and his fingers slid through my hair gently. “Because
she’s scared, Mason. She is frightened of seeing you hurting. She can’t cope
with that on top of everything else. She loves you too much for that.”

“No,” I whispered as I shook my head gently. “She’s
saying goodbye, Kade. Death or not, I’ve lost her.”

And I knew it in my bones. Twenty years of memories would
have to get me through now. I remembered every single one. I remembered her
laugh, her smile, every curve of her body. Every tear she had spilt and every
single word of love she had whispered to me.

They were all I had left now.

I fiddled with the bra, pulling and poking at it. I hated
it, hated the way it looked on me, hated how false it looked. Hated how it now
replaced my breasts.

“Hurry up!” Carrie shouted up the stairs. She had become
a fast, firm friend over the last four months. She’d been my homecare nurse and
we had quickly developed a bond, her sense of humour as sick as mine.

“I can’t.” I choked out when she came to watch me in the
doorway.

“Don’t be so bloody grumpy,” she said firmly as she
whipped the long wig over my head and adjusted it through the mirror. “You have
been through hell in the last five months. Celebrate the end of your treatment.
Live for a little, if only for one night.”

She stood, flicking through my clothes in the wardrobe. I
knew nothing would fit me anymore but I let her choose. As usual she was spot
on when she pulled out a short shift dress, knowing it would hang perfectly and
cover my prominent hipbones and horrid protruding ribs.

I pulled at the skin under my eyes, sighing at the dark
circles that now seemed at home on my face. “A bit of slap will cover those, so
don’t even try to use them as an excuse.”

I poked my tongue out at her back, knowing whatever I
said that she wouldn’t back down. I loved her strong personality but sometimes
it could be a little too much, especially when all I wanted to do was hide and
wallow.

Carrie left me to it and I stared at myself in the
mirror. It wasn’t even me any longer, I was completely different now, not just
my looks but my life and my goals; not that I had any goals other than to get
through each day without pining for a man I couldn’t have.

I had cut myself off from all of my friends and family,
except Nate. He said very little about Mason; on one hand I didn’t want to
know, I couldn’t move on if I didn’t let him go, but on the other hand, I
needed to know everything, had he changed, was he the same, was he looking
after my children, had he moved on from me?

All Nate had told me was that Mason was back to running
the family business, Kade and Grace had decided to hang around, much to Liam’s
chagrin that Grace would become a target now she didn’t have the bureaus
protection. My children were doing great, George had gone through a drug rehab
program and Katie was studying hard at uni.