Fractured (29 page)

Monday, 14 September 2009

She had been lying still, awake, long before the alarm clock shrieked through the room. She heard Tony sigh. She tried to
slow her breathing, but surely he knew she was awake? She wanted him to pull her into the warm hollow of his shoulder and
tell her she would be all right, but he didn’t. His hand brushed her back; she flinched. She felt him hesitate, and her heart
quickened, but then he took his hand away again. He sighed and kissed the back of her head. She stayed silent, still.

She listened as Tony crept out of the room and closed the door behind him. She heard him turn on the radio. She could hear
people whispering in the corner, but when she looked, there was no one there. Were they outside? The patio doors squeaked,
and Jessie’s dog biscuits rattled as Tony poured them into her bowl. Someone laughed; a cruel, cold sound. She pulled the
blanket tighter around her and screwed her eyes shut. She jumped as the door opened. Tony tiptoed into the room and opened
the wardrobe. She didn’t move. He walked out. Then she heard him talking on the phone.

Anna knew it was time. She sat up, opened her bedside cabinet and took out the envelope. Tony’s bag was propped against the
wall; she jumped out of bed and put the letter inside, praying he wouldn’t find it too soon. He was still talking on the phone.
She got back into bed and closed her eyes. Jack cried, but Tony didn’t bring him to her.

Later again. Had she fallen asleep? Tony was talking to her. He was sending his mum to babysit her.

She sat up; she couldn’t breathe. Didn’t he understand? Couldn’t he see? ‘No! Tell her not to come, please. It’s OK, I’m OK!’

Tony stared at her as if she was nothing to him, as if she disgusted him. He wasn’t going to listen to her. Everything the
voices had been telling her was true.

She said nothing.

She wished she could say goodbye.

* * *

Anna heard the bells on the front door jingle as it closed, then waited until Tony’s car had driven away. She didn’t have
much time before Ursula got here; she needed to hurry. Tears stabbed her eyes; she let them fall. She breathed deeply, slowly
got out of bed, and went to the door of Jack’s room. From the doorway she watched him sleep for a minute, then turned around
and walked into the bathroom. She closed the door, turned the shower on and stepped in. When she looked up the water slapped
her face. She turned up the hot tap and stood there until her skin burned.

Turning off the water, she stepped unsteadily onto the cold, damp towel on the floor. The heat from the scorching shower quickly
disappeared as the water dripped off her. She breathed in the humid air, wiped the condensation off the mirror, and stared
at herself. She lifted one thin arm up towards her tired neck and held it there. Her damp hair clung to her face as the water
dripped over her craggy collarbone. The hairs on her arm stood on end as her skin cooled.

Anna moved her head until the ugly crack in the corner of the mirror appeared over her forehead and distorted the outline
of her face. She moved so it was over her eyes, her lips, her chin, then settled it back on her brow. Like a fracture: cracked
and broken.

She looked into her own eyes. They were more tired than she remembered, the sleepless nights written in the lines around them.
She closed them and breathed in slowly, then opened them quickly and watched the dark pupils instantly constrict. The light
that they once gave out had vanished; they looked back at her flatly, like
something dead. She barely recognised the image that the mirror threw back at her. When she frowned, she saw her mother’s
face. She would never know what facets of herself had been bestowed by her father.

Turning her back on her reflection, she looked down at the crumpled towel under her feet, soaked now. She reached for another
from the rail on the back of the door and wrapped it around her. It smelled musty.

She opened the door to the hallway. The house was quiet. She found her dressing-gown in the laundry basket, took it out and
put it back on. She walked through to the living room and collapsed on the couch. Closing her eyes, she wished she could fall
asleep again. She couldn’t hear the whispers any more. But she knew they were there, waiting. There wasn’t much time.

She sat up with a faint smile and her strained shoulders slackened. She went back into the bedroom and dressed for the first
time in days. She found a belt. She combed her hair and tied it back. She made the bed, then went back into the bathroom,
picked the wet towel up off the floor and hung it on the rail.

In the kitchen, she read the instructions on the tin of formula and made up four bottles with boiling water. She put them
in the fridge, then quickly tidied the dishes away and switched on the dishwasher. She walked quietly into Jack’s room. He
was awake, but silent. She didn’t look at him as she went to his drawer and took out a sleep suit and some clean clothes for
the next day. She folded them and stacked them at the end of the change table.

Going to the window, she separated the blinds with her fingers and glanced outside, but there was no sign of Ursula yet. She
looked at Jack again, then walked out.

She stood at the front door with her car keys in one hand. She heard Jack whimper. Was she doing the right thing? Her hands
began to shake as someone laughed, and her eyes filled with tears. Were they in the house? Would they hurt Jack if she left
him here alone until Ursula arrived? She shook her head; they’d follow her. She was the problem, not Jack, and once she was
gone, he’d be
safe. Jack whimpered again. Where was Ursula? What if she was held up, and Jack was here by himself for hours? The thought
of him crying, alone, was unbearable.

Before she could change her mind she ran back to the baby’s room, stuffed some nappies, wipes and clothes in his nappy bag,
and picked him up. Jack folded into her and she covered his head with kisses. She wanted to have every inch of his warm, soft
skin touching her, to keep him so close to her that he’d be safe. But there was no way to protect him. She had to stay strong
and follow through; there was no other choice.

She slung the bag over her shoulder and, with Jack in her arms, went to the front door. This time she didn’t hesitate. She
opened the door, stepped outside, and closed it behind her without looking back.

* * *

Anna drove slowly. Jack was quiet, strapped into his baby capsule in the back. She tried to watch the road in front of her,
as well as look out for Ursula’s car driving past. Which way would she come?

She was close to Jim and Ursula’s place, but hadn’t passed her mother-in-law. She indicated, turned into their street and
drove towards their house. She was too late: Ursula’s car was gone. She stopped the car and let it idle. Her thoughts were
all tangled, and that burning panic started to build up in her stomach again. Her thoughts were going so fast now, so fast
that she couldn’t catch them before they disappeared, and she couldn’t work out what to do. She couldn’t leave him here. Should
she go back?

Jack made a sound from the back, like a growl. She gripped the steering wheel to stop her hands shaking. She needed to drive
on before he started crying. If he cried, she didn’t know if she could go through with it. He’d be hungry soon. There wasn’t
enough time. She released the handbrake, indicated and drove off again.

She thought it would have taken longer to get there, but the traffic was all going the other way and she arrived in twenty
minutes. She turned off the main road and followed the track to the small car park above the beach. There were a couple of
other cars there,
but she couldn’t see anyone. This was the only place she could think of where she wouldn’t risk seeing someone she knew. She
could still hear the mumbling, somewhere behind her. She picked up Jack and closed the car door.

She walked down the uneven wooden stairs, holding onto the handrail with one hand and carrying Jack in the other arm. The
soft sand at the beginning of the beach seemed to pull her back with every step, but soon she reached the hard, cold sand
at the edge of the ocean. She looked out to the horizon: there were people out there surfing. This wouldn’t do.

Her breathing was laboured now and she heard herself wheezing as she ran back up the steps to the car park and started to
walk quickly along the path to her right. Her entire body was shaking now. She looked straight in front of her. Jack didn’t
make a sound. The path inclined upwards; she stumbled as her foot slipped on a flat rock covered with powdery sand. Her arms
were wrapped tightly around Jack, and even as she fell to her knees she didn’t let go of him. They were coming; she had to
think of a way to keep him safe. Her knees stung as the gravel scraped her skin, and she cried out. She clutched Jack to her
and heard herself scream. He started to wail against her chest. She stayed on her knees and rocked back and forth to try to
calm him.

She had to get up. Somehow she struggled to her feet, but Jack was still crying. He was nodding his little head all over her
chest looking for her breast. She blinked to try to clear her vision and kept going.

When she had gone far enough she stood at the edge of the cliff and looked down at the heavy waves smashing into the rocks.
It was as she remembered it, as wild and beautiful and desolate as when she and Tony had come here, years ago, before they
were married, before Jack. Spray exploded upward then crashed down to be sucked back out to sea. Even high up here, the air
was wet and salty, and the rocks were slick.

Jack had stopped crying now. So had Anna.

She looked out to the sun and then she stepped forward.

Friday, 15 January 2010

The court was silent; even the air seemed to have stilled, waiting for the judge’s sentence. The stenographer’s hands hovered
above her typewriter. Anna held her breath, and stared into her lap. She closed her eyes and concentrated on taking oxygen
in through her nose, down into her lungs and through her body, then out again, again and again until the judge began to talk.
She opened her eyes; he was looking straight at her.

‘In summary, I accept the psychiatric evidence that has been submitted to me, which is that at the time of the act you were
suffering from a severe psychiatric illness characterised by delusions and hallucinations.’

Anna nodded slightly. She didn’t blink.

‘As such, you are not to be held responsible for your actions.’

Anna stared at him, not comprehending.

‘I will now pass sentence.’

The judge put his papers down on the table. Anna could barely breathe: this was it. The room in front of her was blurred with
her tears and she gripped the edges of the dock.

‘I do not think that a custodial sentence would serve any purpose here. You will be punished enough by having to live for
the rest of your life knowing what has happened to your child. There is no suggestion that you are a danger to the community.’
The judge paused and looked around the courtroom. ‘Under section nine of the Crimes Act 1999, I am sentencing you to a bond
for a period of four years.’

A collective gasp went around the room; silence was replaced with sniffing and crying and rustling and murmuring. Anna had
heard the judge but couldn’t understand what he’d said. What did it mean, a bond? She turned to Scott: he was grinning, as
was Chloe next to him. Anna looked back to the judge.

‘Ultimately, this is a tragedy that no one could have foreseen. You and your family have suffered enough.’ He took his glasses
off and looked at Anna. ‘Mrs Patton,’ he said. ‘I wish you the best for the future, and please do remember what has been said
here in this courtroom.’

Anna tried to smile in acknowledgement of his words but felt her face contort. She began to shake and tears streamed down
her cheeks. People were standing up now, talking, shaking hands. She heard sobbing and turned around; Emily and Wendy were
clutching onto each other, bobbing up and down and crying. Wendy saw her looking and grinned, then blew her kisses. It was
so surreal, she didn’t know what to do. She looked for Tony; how was he feeling? He wasn’t hard to find: he was still seated,
with his hands over his face as his shoulders shook. She wanted desperately to go to him, to hold him and cry together, and
to find out if he was crying with relief or fury. Anna didn’t know if she was allowed to leave the dock; everyone seemed to
have forgotten about her. The sobs she’d been holding back started to escape and she slumped forward, holding her head in
her hands.

Finally, it was over.

* * *

Once the courtroom had been cleared, Scott helped Anna walk towards the exit while Chloe lingered behind, tidying up their
paperwork. Anna couldn’t stop crying and shaking; she just wanted to collapse and give in to the exhaustion, all that was
left now the adrenalin had drained away. She felt like an old woman: every part of her ached and stooped.

‘You OK, Anna?’ Scott said, putting his arm around her shoulder to support her.

She could only talk in gasps. ‘I don’t know. Confused. Exhausted.’ She shook her head as another sob bubbled up in her chest.

‘I know. It’s a lot to take in; you’ve been through so much. Some of that stuff was pretty hard to hear.’

Anna nodded. Hard for her to hear? Or for him?

‘So do you understand what the judge said?’

‘No!’ They had reached the exit of the courtroom now. Anna stopped at the door. Was this what she wanted? To walk out a free
woman instead of being transported to jail as a prisoner? She didn’t think she could take the next step.

Scott stopped too and turned her towards him, putting a hand on each of her shoulders. ‘You’ve been given a bond for four
years, a good behaviour bond if you like: you have to stay out of trouble, keep seeing your psychiatrist and do what she recommends.
That’s it.’

‘No prison?’ Anna croaked.

‘No prison.’ Scott smiled. ‘You can start getting your life back together now.’

She shook her head, staring at the door in front of her. ‘You make it sound so easy.’

‘Anna, this is the best outcome we could have hoped for,’ Scott said firmly. ‘And it’s what
should
have happened. You didn’t deserve to go to jail.’

She nodded slowly, looking away as her mind raced. She had no idea what to do now. She was terrified.

Scott reached forward to push the door open. Anna grabbed his arm. ‘Wait!’

He paused, then linked his free arm in Anna’s. She brushed at the tears on her cheeks, then nodded slightly, and Scott opened
the door.

The first person she saw was her mum. She let go of Scott and ran towards her. ‘Mum!’

‘Anna! Thank God, thank God …’ Wendy sobbed and clutched her. Anna felt another pair of arms around her and looked up to see
Emily.

‘I knew it, Anna! I knew it’d be OK!’

‘I can’t believe it,’ Anna said through her sobs.

‘Do you know what we need? A drink! A big one!’ Emily laughed, wiping her eyes.

Anna managed to smile, and for the first time in months she even felt a tiny sliver of hope. Not happiness, but a sense of
the possibility of a future.

Wendy took her hand. ‘Come on, let’s get as far away from here as possible.’

She began to walk with her mum and Emily, then turned around to look at Scott. He was watching them with a smile on his face.
Anna dropped her mum’s hand and ran back to him. She hugged him. ‘Thank you, Scott.’

He shook his head. ‘Just doing my job.’

She looked at him for another moment, then spun around and joined Wendy and Emily, and the three of them walked towards the
sunlight together.

* * *

Ursula shifted her weight from foot to foot just inside the doorway of the court building and watched Anna coming down the
corridor. When Ursula had heard the verdict, she too had cried. She was glad it was over, glad for Tony’s sake that there
was a resolution to it all, but she couldn’t help but wish that Anna had received more of a punishment. She didn’t want her
to be locked up for the rest of her life, but maybe a year or two would have taught her … What? Ursula knew that Anna must
be hurting, but she thought that the judge was wrong: she
hadn’t
suffered enough.

Tony had rushed outside as soon as the court was cleared, in a state. He hadn’t even been able to speak. Jim had hurried out
after him; now, Ursula and Lisa were waiting anxiously to hear from him. And while Tony was somewhere on the streets of Sydney,
distraught, Anna was walking away from the courtroom, smiling and hugging that lawyer that Tony had paid for, then skipping
over to Wendy and Emily.

Ursula nudged Lisa. ‘Have you seen her?’

‘I know, Mum,’ Lisa said, looking up from her phone. ‘We should go. We can head back to the car and just call Dad. If he’s
with Tony, they can get a taxi back later. They’re probably in the pub.’

‘Look at her! She’s celebrating, like there’s been some kind of victory. It’s disgusting. It’s like she’s forgotten why she’s
here in the first place.’

‘This isn’t doing us any good. Let’s get out of here,’ Lisa pleaded. She tried to steer her mum outside but Ursula shook her
off.

‘Not yet.’

Anna was walking towards them now, a smile on her face. She hadn’t seen them. Ursula stepped forward; Anna couldn’t avoid
her.

‘Mum! Don’t —’

‘Just wait, Lisa! Anna,’ Ursula said loudly, trying to keep her voice steady.

Anna stopped and looked up; her eyes widened. ‘Oh, Ursula. I —’

‘I suppose I should congratulate you.’

Anna shook her head and tears fell down her cheeks. Emily stepped forward so that she was standing just in front of her; Wendy
gripped Anna’s hand. But Anna just stood there, visibly trembling, like a tiny trapped animal. Ursula was sick of being made
to feel like she was the bad one, being made to feel guilty for admitting that she didn’t agree that Anna was a victim. It
didn’t help when Anna wouldn’t argue back; it made Ursula look worse, as if she was a bully. But she wasn’t a bully: she just
wanted to make Anna understand that what she had done, ill or not, was unforgivable.

* * *

Anna stared at Ursula’s tight lips and narrowed eyes, and the tiny glimpse of hope she’d felt for a fleeting moment vanished.
She didn’t have the energy, not today. She glanced at Lisa, hoping she would rescue her, lead Ursula away, but Lisa wouldn’t
look at her. Anna dropped her head; she wanted to whimper. Ursula had always made her feel inadequate, and now she felt like
a small child being put in her place. No, it was more than that: she felt persecuted. She
blinked back the tears and clenched her fists. She’d had enough of apologising for herself. She lifted her head and looked
Ursula straight in the eye. She thought she saw her flinch.

‘Ursula, we both know that there are no congratulations in order today. Is there something you want to say?’

Ursula seemed to inflate and her face contorted. ‘Well, yes, I suppose there is. You may have got away with this, but I want
you to leave Tony alone. He doesn’t need you.’

Anna felt herself shrink back behind Emily, but forced herself to maintain eye contact and not let Ursula see how much she
wanted to run away. She stepped in front of her friend, and let go of Wendy’s hand. ‘I understand how you feel, but that’s
not your decision. Tony is a grown man; I’m sure he’ll make up his own mind.’

Ursula’s mouth opened and she moved forward until she was right in front of Anna. Anna flinched, then prepared herself, expecting
Ursula to slap her. That was fine; she was ready for it.

But Ursula didn’t raise her hand. She leaned forward and Anna could see her dilated pupils and the tension in every muscle
of her face. ‘After what you did, you expect him to come back to you?’ She was practically hissing.

Anna could feel the tension and rage ricocheting between them, but she wasn’t going to be the one to lose control, not this
time. She knew that Emily – and Wendy – were right beside her. She forced herself to breathe slowly. When she felt calm again,
she spoke.

‘You know I’d do anything, anything, to change what happened. You must know that.’ She cleared her throat, hoping she could
finish what she needed to say before her nerves overwhelmed her. Ursula looked as if she was going to choke. ‘I don’t expect
you to forgive me, but I was ill, Ursula. I didn’t know what I was doing.’ Anna was amazed that she hadn’t broken down yet.

Ursula was biting her lip. Her face was red. As Anna kept looking at her, Ursula looked away, then started to cry. Anna’s
eyes filled with tears too and she wanted to tell Ursula that she understood, that the hatred Ursula felt towards her was
the same way she had
been feeling towards herself this whole time. She took a step towards her and put a hand on her shoulder. ‘I’m sorry.’

Ursula clasped her hand over her mouth, then shook her head and turned away. Lisa looked at Anna, but Anna couldn’t tell whether
she was trying to apologise for Ursula’s behaviour or say goodbye. Lisa put her arm around Ursula’s shoulder and they walked
out onto the street.

Wendy hugged Anna. ‘Well done, darling.’

She began to shake and her shoulders slumped, but she stayed standing. And when she was sure Ursula had gone, she walked out
of the court onto the street on a normal Friday afternoon in Sydney.