Friend Zoned (Barnett Bulldogs #2) (41 page)

No matter how much I want it to.

I can’t be his friend right now.

There is just too much pain coursing through me to pretend otherwise.

In the last week or so, I’ve been careful about keeping my distance from him.  Holding myself back.  And I think Sam has been doing the same.  This is the first time since everything fell to shit between us that he’s taken me into his arms, that I’ve been able to breathe in the intoxicating scent of him, that I’ve had my lips mere inches from his own.

And what I understand is that I can’t continue doing it.

I can’t do
this
.

I can’t pretend that we’re
just
buddies.

Friends.

Pals.

Maybe once upon a time that’s exactly what we were, but our relationship has changed.  Morphed into something more.  It’s only now, at this very moment, that I realize there’s no going back. 

It hurts too much to be with him, but not really
be
with him.  That waitress in there… It felt like I was being eaten alive by jealousy.  I was so afraid she would catch his eye.  Or perhaps it would be the next time we’re all together, hanging out.

Then what?

How would I feel?

No… I don’t think I can stand to watch it all play out feeling the way I do.  It would be like dying a slow excruciating death.  Maybe later on, when I have a better grip on my emotions, I’ll be able to stomach it, but not right now.

As much as I want to, I simply can’t ignore the feelings I have for Sam.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Sam

Christ… all I want to do is grab hold of her, pull her into my arms, and never let go again.  Need pounds rampantly through my body like that of a steady drumbeat.  It’s all I can think about.  Inside, dancing with her, holding her in my arms again… I just couldn’t do it any longer knowing that she isn’t truly mine.

That I had lost her.

That she wants us to be friends and nothing more.

I can’t go back to the way it used to be when Violet was completely oblivious to my feelings.  Oblivious to the need spiking through my veins.

Right now the distance between us is palpable. It’s like a huge fucking chasm.  One that feels insurmountable.  And it sucks.  It’s never been like this between us and if I’m being completely honest, it scares the shit out of me.  All I really want is for our relationship to be the way it was before that freaking photograph was splashed all over social media.

It was never my intention for our relationship to backpedal or stall.  It really wasn’t.  I was thrown off by everything that happened… then it just spiraled out of control from there.

But now I’ve had some time to wade through this mess.  To deal with everything that was hurtling at me in hyper speed.  The parental bullshit has been difficult, but we’re slowly getting through it.  We’re all moving forward.  I have no idea how much damage, if any, it’ll eventually cause to my dad’s campaign efforts.

What matters right now is rectifying the situation with Violet before I end up losing her.  Because I can see it happening already.  She’s distancing herself from me, putting up walls between us, and I can’t fucking stand it.

All I want to do is tear them down, brick by damn brick, with my bare hands.

I’ve never been happier in my life than when I was holding Violet in my arms.  When she belonged to me.  She might not have realized it before, but my heart has always belonged to her.

Without her, I’m not complete.

It may be a risky move, but it’s one I can’t stop myself from making. Reaching out my hand, I slowly cup the gentle curve of her cheek.

Looking surprised by the gesture, she stills.  It’s steadily that she continues holding my gaze.

“Vi,” I finally rasp, “what’s going on?”

Her chocolaty hued eyes flare.  Even though it’s dark outside, the brightness from the parking lot illuminates her face.  Light and shadow playing across her features.  They’re ones I’ve been in love with for almost a decade.  The way I feel about her hasn’t changed.  I don’t think it ever will which is exactly why I have to do something about this now before it’s too late.

Violet shakes her head just a bit as if she doesn’t understand the question, but I know damn well that she does.  I see it in the widening of her gorgeous depths.  In the tightening around her pouty lips.  In the way her pulse picks up its steady tempo.

“You know what I’m talking about,” I murmur quietly.

Her eyelashes feather closed before she sucks in a deep shuddering breath.  Finally pushing it out, she utters the words I’ve been dreading.

“I just wish everything could go back to the way it was before we got together.”

“Is that really what you want?”  My pulse skitters thinking that she no longer wants me the way I want her.  “To just be friends?”  My body is literally aching for her right now.  She’s so damn close and yet…

And yet I don’t know.  She might already be gone.  Slipping right through my fingers just when I thought I had it all.

When she finally opens her eyes again, they arrow to mine.   Nipping her bottom lip between her teeth, she whispers, “It’s better that way.”

“Is it?”  I can’t resist slowly sweeping my thumb across her full lower lip before pulling it gently from between her teeth.  The breath catches at the back of her throat as I do.

Even though she nods her head, it’s barely perceptible.

Taking another chance, I close the distance separating us until my lips are mere inches from hers.  I give her a heartbeat, maybe two, to pull away.  To stop this from happening.  I’m sure as hell not going to force myself on her, but I’m starting to suspect that there just might be hope for us yet.

Hope that she’s not being completely truthful about her feelings for me.  At the very least, her body still craves my touch.  I can tell by the way she leans into me, the way her breathing changes when I lay my hands on her.

Still I continue cradling her beautiful face in the palm of my hand.  “I don’t think I can be your friend, Vi.  It’s too late for that.”

She looks crestfallen.  “You can’t?”

Slowly I shake my head.  My eyes fall to her lush lips.  I just want a little taste.  I’m all but dying for just one damn taste.  It’s been much too long.  “Nope.”

Almost brokenly she whispers, “I had a feeling this would happen.”

My brows slide together at her words.  At the grief filling her expressive eyes.  “What are you talking about?”

A husky quality creeps into her voice, almost as if she’s precariously close to tears.  “That I would end up losing you over that picture.  Not just my boyfriend, but my best friend.”

Something instantly eases within my heart.

Because it kind of sounds like…

“That photo has definitely caused quite a stir.”

Again she squeezes her eyes tightly shut before sucking in a ragged breath.  “I know.”  She shakes her head.  Her long loose blonde hair flying around her shoulders.  “You have to know just how sorry I am about what happened.”

With gentle strokes, I continue caressing my thumb over her plump lower lip. There is just so much I want to do to that pouty little mouth of hers. “I know you didn’t mean for it to happen.”  I wait a beat but when she still doesn’t open her eyes, I say in a softly pleading voice, “Look at me, baby.” Quietly I wait for her to meet my gaze.  When she finally does, I continue, “I know you would never do anything to hurt me.”

Barely does she nod before saying with so much pent up emotion that it literally tangles my insides into painful little knots, “I would
never
do anything to hurt you or your family. 
You
are my family.  Your parents, Gavin and Ari, they mean everything to me.  I hate what I’ve put you all through.”

“I know.” Shifting closer, her warm breath feathers across my lips.  Violet has always been the most important person in my life.  She’s more important than football or school… or anything.

She just needs to realize that.

Lightly I press my lips against hers.  Sweeping across them with an aching softness when all I want to do is plunder her sweetness.  I want to press that curvy little body of hers against mine until she finally accepts once and for all that she belongs to me.  That she will
always
belong to me.  And that there’s not a damn thing she can do to change what I feel for her.

Even though I haven’t nearly had my fill of her mouth, I pull back.  Just enough to see the surprise flickering in her eyes.  Trembling just a bit, her fingers lift to her lips before softly skimming over them.

When I can’t hold it in any longer, I tell her what’s in my heart.  “I love you, Vi.  I’ve always loved you.  And nothing will ever change that.”

“But what about the picture?”

I shrug.  “What about it?”

“Aren’t you…” she pauses, her voice lowering, “aren’t you upset with me?  I broke your trust and invaded your privacy.”  She shakes her head as if totally disgusted with herself.  “Everyone on campus has seen your ass.”

Needing to lighten the mood, I cock a brow.  “Are you saying there’s something wrong with my ass?”

A tiny spark of humor reluctantly flashes in her eyes and it reminds me so very much of the past, of the way we used to be that it gives me hope for the future.  Our future.  Sinking her teeth into her lower lip, she slowly shakes her head.  “Not at all.”  She pauses, her eyes hesitantly questioning, as if she doesn’t quite understand how I can just be over it. “But you were so angry.”

She’s absolutely right.

I was.

I felt blindsided by what happened.

I can’t deny that.

“I was surprised, Vi. And I handled it badly. I’m not proud of how I acted.  Not at all.  I’m sorry for that.  Sorry for pushing you away when all I’ve ever wanted was to hold you close.”  My eyes search hers.  “I need you in my life.  I
need
you the way I need air to breathe.  I always have.”

Her hand rises to my cheek.  “You don’t have anything to apologize for.  I’m the one who messed up.”  When I start shaking my head, she quickly tacks on, “Unintentionally.  But still… what happened was my fault.  And I’m sorry.  Sorry for the embarrassment it’s caused you and your family.”

“I want to move past this, Vi.  More than anything, I want us to move past it together.  But I can’t just be your friend.  I’m not strong enough for that.  I need more.  I want what we had before everything fell to shit.  I’ve never been happier than when you were mine.”

“Are you sure you can do that?  Move past it so easily?”  Caution leaps into her eyes as a small hopeful smile curves her lips.

“Me loving you has never changed.  Not in eight damn years.  And it’s never going to.”

Her eyes soften as her gaze continues holding mine. “I love you, Sam.”

As she whispers those heartfelt words, I drag her into my arms before wrapping them firmly around her, holding her close.  As close as I possibly can.  And still, it’ll never be close enough.  She burrows against my warmth as if she needs the intimacy just as much as I do.  Gently I drop a kiss against the crown of her head.

“I’m never letting you go, baby.”

Her lips quirk up before her chest rises and falls with contentment.  “I wouldn’t ever want you too.”

Epilogue

Seven months later…

Sam

Roan, Mr. Hotshot Rookie of the Year, helps me carry the heavy-as-shit couch up two flights of stairs.  As we crest the landing, Violet scrambles to open the door for us.  Sliding out of our way, she points towards the far wall under the sunny window of the tiny apartment we’re now renting.  “Put it down over there.”

Just as we start lowering the monstrous thing to the ground, she directs, “A little more to the left, please.”

Roan shoots me a look as we shuffle our way to the left.

“Nope, too far.  Go back just a smidge.”

We sidle a bit to the right before hesitating for a moment, just to be sure this is where she wants it.  When she simply smiles, we carefully set it down on the carpeted floor.

“Perfect!”

Stretching the sore muscles of my back and shoulders, my eyes stray to Violet as she fusses around the couch, adding cushions and pillows.  The way she looks in those tight little cutoff jean shorts, especially when she bends over to grab something off the floor, has me wishing that Roan would simply disappear.  It also has me thinking about all the ways I plan on christening our brand new apartment in the very near future.

It’s been seven months since we got back together and somehow I’m even more in love with this woman than I was before.  Which is seriously saying something.  I’ve been in love with Violet Winterfield since I was fourteen years old.  I can’t even begin to picture a future without her filling it.  After we got back together, it didn’t take long for everything to slide right back to the way it was.

And I love that.