Frozen Teardrop (20 page)

Life off-ice was great. I was so happy to be with my mother and father and to sleep in my own sheets, eat food that I liked, and look at for hours and hours the albums upon albums of old memories printed on pictures of lands of my past, as I relived the good times. The peacefulness of Zurich and its beauty instilled a calm in me and I felt comfortable and confident. At last I felt at home and I felt Switzerland was supportive of me. My parents had their many old friends there and they all wished me so much luck while truly wishing the best for me. I felt loved.

As the 1999 World Championships were approaching and Europeans had ended with bad results from the Swiss ladies skaters, a judging critique session was set up so they could come to see me at practice to decide whether or not to send me to the World's competition. Now, I am never very good under pressure. I do not like any pressure at all and, oddly enough, I do not like people looking at me. I don't mind if I am under the spotlight when it's dark and I can't see any faces, or they are so far away that I don't know who is in the audience. But the minute someone comes up to look at me, or even just to have a social conversation with me, I am incredibly uncomfortable. Still to this day I am not good in intimate settings, but am great with big audiences.

The judges finally came around seven in the morning and the pressure was on for me to perform my best. I like to perform when I feel like performing. When I feel my spirit and soul is ready to move I am able to do it. I can't switch it off and on like that. I never could and never will. I do not feel that doing this is art, and for me skating is an art, not a sport. I never wanted to be an athlete, just an artist. So the constant fight continued between what was within me and what was needed of me in this sport. However, this was my only chance to prove to them that I was good enough to be sent to the world championships.

In the beginning of the practice I was skating not too badly, but my coach was furious with me because I had not listened to him about something he said. I probably did not hear him and he had been fine all along with my not listening to him, so I was puzzled because I didn't know why he wasn't all right with it that morning. Suddenly he became enraged and left the ice rink. He was under pressure too and he had cracked. A coach is not supposed to leave a student behind but I continued skating and actually felt better and less pressured without him and skated wonderfully. The judges loved what they saw and it was decided I was to be sent to the World's competition. I was excited and so was my coach after he apologized to me.

For me, landing a triple or not was honestly insignificant to me. I don't think I really cared, thinking it didn't matter in the big schemes of things if I succeeded at it or not. Perhaps only fear made me land it more than anything else because I knew it mattered so much to my mother. But truly for me it was always more how you landed a triple, not whether you did or didn't at a particular time, so maybe I was never a true athlete, just an artist that happened to be a skater.

The World Figure Skating Championships in 1999 would be a display of the best skating and spins I have ever done during a competition. I felt amazing, confident, and ready to show the world my art. My Chinese guru was there as well with his student. Although I asked my new Swiss coach if my Chinese coach could sit with him at the boards my new coach refused. He wanted to be the only one there. I respected his decision but I compromised by having my Chinese coach sit with my mother at every practice and from afar he would give me signals as to what I was doing wrong or right. He set up for me what I was to do in each practice, did off-ice with me, gave me mini massages and I heard only his voice in my head. I must say a thank-you though to both of my coaches I had then, since without them I would not have succeeded.

I skated wonderfully and Dick Button coined his famous quote “Good for you, Lucinda Ruh.” I got standing ovations at every practice and even more for my short and long programs at the competition. I received many gifts but a stuffed lion animal for some fateful reason would be the one to land on my lap and in my arms at the “kiss and cry” bench. My mother is the sign of a Leo and so is the man that I would marry much later in my life who remembered seeing me with that lion on TV. Leo, a presence I was always to be reminded of.

Once again, to all of our dismay, it was a disappointment when I placed thirteenth. It was said then, and is still said among those in the skating community that I should have been placed on the podium. But to me it did not matter. The judges did not like that I was so good at something they did not know how to give marks for. So they kept me in the middle where they thought I wouldn't be noticed. But instead, the opposite effect happened. My results sparked conversation and were questioned and written about all over the world. Soon after this event, my name was in all the International Skating Union books and spin rules changed because of my spinning. All my creations became a necessity for high level points at competitions.

I was even asked to do my spins at the finale exhibition where only the top three in each discipline were invited to perform. I was placed in the middle of the ice, doing my spins with all the medalists around me. I was the star. I felt like a champion inside and out and it had nothing to do with medals or placements. The fact that I had overcome such adversity and that my spins were so appreciated brought happy tears to my eyes. I am not proud or arrogant about it or myself in any way. Please do not misunderstand me. I was just truly happy that God's gift to me had finally been appreciated even a little. Looking back at my life, I think I should have been more proud of myself. Maybe then I would have had better results, but because an artist's insecurity often produces more art I did not want or feel the need to change myself for something I did not believe in, a medal.

The producer of the famous German skating tour at that time was enticed by my performances and invited me to skate in their shows that would begin right after the championships ended. I remember being so excited to receive the invitation. I had the chance to do what I loved most, which was to spin, and this time with no judges to judge me. My Swiss coach and I accepted gladly and I was to leave to Germany right away for rehearsals. I went alone without my mother and it made me feel independent. I was in a good space. The tour lasted for almost three weeks all across Germany. In the beginning of the tour I was a little nervous, since I had no experience whatsoever of performing under spotlights. The producer at first had me skate twice, always near the beginning of the first and second halves of the show. I fell the first few times but after that became incredibly comfortable. I would be one of the only ones to receive standing ovations for my performances, which resulted in the audiences wanting many encores from me.

Since the show could not have encores in the middle of the show, the producer had to switch the skating order so that I was the last female single skater to skate in both the first and second halves of the show. That was a huge compliment and I basked in the spotlight, not for the fame but just because I could spin and spin. With the spotlight on me while I spun I felt even more in heaven as the bright light surrounded me. Many famous skaters were on the tour and it was exciting to be in their presence. I was nineteen years old and for the first time was on my own skating. I was growing a little part of my wings. It was so interesting for me to understand my habits and decide for myself my training schedule. I felt in control at last.

My mother and father visited me often on the tour and they loved that I was so happy and was skating so well. Even my sister and her boyfriend at that time (now her husband) came to enjoy the show, and that was a surprise since my sister rarely came to see me skate. She had her pain of not succeeding in a sport that she loved even more than me, her little sister. It was too painful for her to watch. I was thankful she came, as I knew how hard it was for her. For me it was a fascinating time. To add to the dessert, there was a very enchanting man on the tour, a famous Olympic champion, and we started to flirt a little with each other. He was much older than I was and for me it was all new, pure, and sensitive. News of our young relationship spread quickly though out the skating world. The relationship was truly charming. I did not want the tour to end but reality always hits and it was time to go back to Switzerland.

My celebrity status had grown enormously in the skating world and I was in almost every newspaper. Interviews of my performances and me were constantly on the television around Europe. I was dubbed the Queen of Spin and recognized as the fastest spinner in the world. I wish I had named all my creations at that point because now they are referred to as the “pancake spin” and many other names instead of the “Ruh spin” or the “Lucinda Spin.” I do hope that the skating world can now name my creations after me so the legacy continues. At a young age journalists and television commentators around the world had called me the “ballerina on ice” and now, “the queen of spin.”

Interestingly enough, “spinner” in German means the crazy one! Maybe my spins would be more than just spins in my life. They would be a metaphor for what I am and would become. We truly are what we do. It had been such a sudden change from such sadness, desperation, and depression to elation and fame that it was unbelievable. I was on a roller coaster and what goes up must come down. After all the pain and terrible experiences I had gone through I thought I was no longer on the bottom emotionally, and I prayed that my fame, good luck, and good fortune would stay with me, not forever since I did not expect that much, but at least for a little while.

But as my luck would have it, it would not, and I was to even experience more despair and tragedy for years to come. Why was I so unlucky? Was I making my own misfortune? Or was this all happening for a reason? Was it happening in order for me to understand more about life and myself in order to be able to find my destiny? I thought that by giving so much joy and happiness to the world with my spins maybe there was none left for me to soak in. I believed and still do that the more you give, the more you receive, but I have learned through the years that it only happens when you have a lot of what you are giving. I was giving all I had and was emptying my tank like there was no bottom and no tomorrow. Without the replenishing refills, I had nothing left to give myself. And soon I had pretty much nothing left to give to others.

(ZURICH, SIMSBURY, ZURICH)

A gallon of tears

W
hen someone can make you laugh and cry at the same time you have found the one who truly loves you. My parents were always able to do this for me, in times of despair and utter devastation or in times of glee and exhilaration. My parents lived through so much with me and it was never the words we said that mattered most but rather the feelings we were able to give to each other. We were never a family of much talk but we always were a family of much depth in feelings and philosophy. In my family everything always had a meaning to it. For every action and reaction we had, there was a deeper reason behind it all. I feel this is how I skated as well. With a deep understanding about life and our journey I lived through my life experiences on the ice. The ice was my blank canvas that I would feverishly paint my emotions on.

Every day I painted a new picture and in a new way. I wish it could have been documented like a painting that you could look at forever, but maybe those emotions were to be let out and forgotten and to be imprinted only in the eyes and in the hearts of those who saw the painting enacted at that time and place. It was always raw emotion for me, and even if people did not understand my story it touched them and made them see something in themselves that I had awakened. This is what I had always hoped to do on the ice. If I could bring my audience to tears or to jubilant joy or for them to shed that perfect tear, I had done my service and healed myself in the process. Without the ice, I would die.

I was back in Zurich. The skating season was over and conquered. Flowers and trees replaced the snow as summer arrived. I feel summers are tough in a way for skaters because all the adrenaline from the season has worn you down, yet all the events were so exciting you did not want it to stop. Then you have to unwind and start up again to prepare for the upcoming season and wait and wait for the right time to pounce. It was a strategic game and I did not like those games. It was, however, always a magical time, too, as you created new costumes and new programs for the following year. You were creating a new character on ice. This summer would be quite a new experience for me and tragically not at all in the good sense.

In Switzerland during the hot summers a lot of ice rinks close down. As a result, many skaters go abroad during this time and we found ourselves driving every day to far away ice rinks to try to get my practice in. It was not convenient. I was also getting very impatient with my Swiss coach. His wife had come in between us a little and he now seemed cautious and restricted about how much attention he could give me. I also felt the void of not training with my Chinese coach and missed him more than ever. I felt I needed him to help me again with my skating. I was skating on my own and I was trying to teach myself with my Chinese coach's words in my head, but since I did not have him there to point out my mistakes, I ended up fixing the wrong problems and this resulted in uprooting other problems. I wanted him to teach me again.

Skating is a repetitive sport and skaters need constant reminding of what they are doing wrong every single day or they can lose their edge. Skating is very delicate. At least it was for me. Not liking the exercise of being repetitive was my shortcoming. I despised it but knew I needed to repeat things exactly the same way over and over again to get consistent. I never wanted to repeat it the same way. I thought that was a waste of time because in my mind it was not creative in any sense. My coach in Japan used to tell me he would like to just play a tape over and over again to repeat his teachings instead of having to stand there and voice it! He used to complain he was so tired of repeating himself. But that is the sport and without the repetition there is no consistency.

We found out that my Chinese coach along with some other Chinese team members, (coaches and skaters) would be in the United States in Connecticut that summer for about two months of training. We asked the Chinese federation if he could also teach me if I also went there. They said he would be allowed to since it was not on Chinese soil. My Swiss coach with no hesitation agreed as well because he wanted me to be the best I could be and he knew I missed my Chinese guru. Our plan was to just stay for the two months and then return before the new season started. I wanted to stay in Switzerland during the competition season. I never had felt more support from my country than I did when finally living there and it felt good.

When we arrived in Connecticut, I was absolutely revved up and ready for great summer training. I was excited to be soon again landing all my triples and getting my confidence back. We arrived around noon at the skating camp accommodation. The whole Chinese team was supposed to arrive that same evening but due to some delays they arrived in the wee hours of the morning. I rested, settled in, and fell asleep for the night. I couldn't wait to see my coach in the morning. I went to see him as soon as I woke up and he was oddly in a suit and tie, not his usual attire. Something was up. My mother and I felt it.

My Chinese coach took us aside. He told us firmly but with a tear in his eye that the Chinese team and federation delegate that was traveling with them had told him in the plane on the way over there that he would not be allowed to coach me, whatsoever! He would not even be allowed to speak to me. We were shocked, dumfounded, and speechless. We had travelled all this way just for him and once again been cheated and taken advantage of. I would, as always, it seemed, be training by myself. After all these incidents was God trying to tell me to stop skating? If so, then why did he give me the gift of spins? I could not comprehend this.

The delegate had apparently told him of their decision on the plane in fear that if they had told him earlier he would not have come at all. He had only one other student, the same one he had when I was in China, and he could have easily stayed in Harbin and trained him there. So this is how they tricked him into coming to the States and how they had tricked us along the way. We were hurt and I was just incredibly devastated.

But as we had always done and always continued to do, we rose up to the challenge God presented us. We were like those dolls in Japan, that no matter how much you push them over to one side they just spring right back up. We were like the indestructible daruma doll or the one drop of dew on a thin blade of grass. We saw every situation as an opportunity to rise above and be the bigger person. I cried and cried. Life seemed to be a whole lot of crying lately. A gallon of tears it soon would be.

After the initial shock, my mother, the Chinese coach, and I decided to make a plan. We would not back down and just retreat into our shell. We would take matters in our own hands. He would not and could not teach me out in the open but he promised me this: On the ice he would make his hand signals to me after my jumps when I looked at him from the corner of my eyes. If I skated past him he would whisper some corrections to me. We both would make sure no one would notice. I made sure I always skated by him and he made sure he stood in a convenient spot with his back to the delegate members where it wasn't too obvious that he was giving me corrections.

Then off-ice, we also had a plan. He and I would meet in a specific spot in the woods that surrounded the ice rink and campgrounds at a specific time each day. He went a different way from us to the spot and we left the campgrounds at different times so no one would be suspicious. After the training he went back first and we would run some errands before returning to the camp. It felt like we were in espionage and this was a secret mission. It seemed crazy but also added to the intensity and the excitement of the training, and it worked wonders. I felt special and taken care of and the thrill of making sure no one noticed was fun in a way. It was crazy but worth it.

It was truly sad that this is what our relationship had become but I was improving so quickly on the ice that I was elated. In just those two months I was back to landing all the triples and triple-triple combinations. I loved training again with the Chinese team members and my mother even taught my coach's other Chinese male student how to drive. It was fun and the experiences were raw and human. Memories of our time in China were awakened once more. To my dislike, so did my stomach illness I suffered from when in China, and it still caused many problems. My diet was so limited from my problems with digesting food and so lacking in vitamins and nutrients that it caused my bones to be more brittle and prone to injuries.

Meanwhile, there was a Russian coach at the ice rink who took a big liking to me. She thought that I did not have a coach and wasn't getting any lessons so she took my mother and me aside and said she would like to coach me as long as I was there. We innocently thought: why not try her, try a new experience and see what I could learn from her as long as we were already there? We always had a hard time saying “no.” We were ultimately “yes” people trying to please everyone and always wanting to be better and better. We were never satisfied with what we had or how I was doing. Now looking back, I think we should have just stuck with my Chinese coach, but greed is a dangerous trait and wanting more and more and wanting to be better and better always dominates and clouds judgment, so we decided we would try her. We thought there would be no harm in this. Later we thought about how wrong we had been.

Nothing changed with the Chinese coach but I now had extra lessons with her every day. I did not listen to her jumping technique but soaked in the artistry and passion she had while coaching. Her daughter helped me with the choreography and I had a lot of support. They were Russian and their strong dominance did not quite suit my personality. I felt they talked too much and their energy was just over the top for me. However, they were incredibly accommodating and she even invited my mother and me to live in her house. So instead of staying at the campgrounds my mother and I took the opportunity to stay with her. It was wrong and overbearing, and in consequence made me feel suffocated, but at that time we took what we could get when we were feeling so lost. The Russian coach was lonely as well. I had given her a reason to teach again and I knew it. I wanted to please her and bring her happiness.

The summer was ending and there were just a few more days left of the Chinese team's presence before it would be time for us to return to Switzerland too. My Swiss coach had been calling in often to check on how I was doing. I started to feel exhausted again since the Russian coach was pushing me too much. I should have just kept the Chinese way that I knew worked for me but my coach let her ego get in the way, and was being greedy about wanting more and more from me. With all good intentions since she loved my skating and thought I would be her next Olympic Champion, she pounced heavily on her prey. There was a price for this that again I would have to pay. My downfall was that I would fall very quickly into over-working mode. I would push myself until I fell off the cliff. I never did anything in moderation.

On the last evening before my Chinese coach went back to China, he and I talked. I was sad that I would not be able to go with him and I cried. I was also very tired. My Russian coach wanted me to skate the next morning because her son-in-law was back from his tour as a professional skater and she wanted me to be present so she could show off her new pupil. She said he would be instructing the class mostly about stroking and footwork. She said it would be fun and she wanted me there, ultimately but unspoken, for her. I hesitantly asked my coach his opinion about whether I should rest the next morning or skate. My Chinese coach was firm with me, saying he thought I needed to rest, sleep-in the next morning, and maybe even take a few days off. Otherwise I might get injured again. I said my good-byes and felt I would not see him for a very long time.

Unintelligently, I did not listen to him. I had always done what he told me. Why not this time? It is nobody's fault but mine. But at this time he was not my coach. She was, and the present coach was the one I followed. There was only one captain of the ship and I listened to that captain only. He was gone but she would remain. I see now that I needed to understand that I was the captain of my own ship. Listening to myself would have been a good idea but I was used to following other people's orders. I needed to be stronger in life, take responsibility for my own body, and stand up for it. But I had never been taught that so why would I do that now? I was truly ignorant that day and it would be hard to forgive myself for it.

The next morning, half awake, I dragged myself with my mother to the ice rink. My legs were feeling weak and wobbly. I laced up my skates and on the ice were the Russian coach, and her daughter and son-in-law who seemed like a pack of wolves waiting for me to arrive. I greeted them all and smiled meekly. I knew she wanted to show me off so the pressure was on and this skate would be for her. Everything was going fine and her son-in-law liked me. About a half hour into the session my legs started shaking. I was a little dizzy. We were doing some footwork and suddenly I fell to the ice and was frozen in pain. My knee was burning up. I had been doing a step and since I was so tired my body wasn't as quick as my mind that morning. I wanted to turn but my blade got stuck in the ice. My upper body motion did follow through, but my legs had stayed still, and so my knee was totally twisted.

I thought I had broken my leg. It was that painful. I am not one to complain or fake an injury. But this was a pain I never felt before. Her son-in-law carried me off the ice and with tears rolling down my cheeks we were off to the hospital. Not again, I thought! Always the hospital, always injured Lucinda. I feared that my skating career was over.

My knee, after many tests and X-rays and MRIs, was diagnosed as having a big ligament tear and rip. My knee was so inflamed that it looked like a big hill on my leg. This diagnosis may not have sounded so bad but the pain was excruciating. The doctors told me I would need at least a month of staying completely off my leg. As a skater, resting and following those kinds of doctor's orders never made sense. I would stay off the ice for the bare minimum time necessary to heal and rush back onto the ice as soon as I could walk a little. So a month was a month for the doctors but about a week for me even though I was on crutches.